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Anxiety problems in my relationship.

  • 21-06-2019 12:50pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 30 Kilroyss


    I have been going out with a girl for about 4 months now. I love her so much. Up until last week we were very close, we said we loved each other a lot, and talked about spending the rest of our lives together, and she was the one who would talk about us spending the rest of our lives together most. I know this sounds like two young people who think they are in love but aren't really. But I can assure you it is genuine. But last week she told me she wants to slow things down. She said she basically had an anxiety attack the night before, and that we should spend slightly less time together. I asked her if she basically wanted to break up with me and she clearly said no, she still wants to spend the rest of her life with me and she still loves me so much. I started slowing down my replies to her texts over the last week to give her space, then she rang me and said she was worried because she thought I was being distant with her and that she thought things weren't normal between us at the moment. We booked a weekend away together a few weeks ago and we are leaving for it today, I asked her if she was feeling anxious about it and she said she was a little bit but she thinks she'll be OK once we're there. I'm worried about her, and I'm worried about our relationship, can someone shed any light on what might be going on? Sorry for the long question, and thanks.


Comments

  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Entertainment Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Regional East Moderators Posts: 18,173 CMod ✭✭✭✭The Black Oil


    Moved from Psychology. Local charter now applies.


  • Registered Users Posts: 416 ✭✭Calypso Realm


    From direct experience I can identify with how she feels and can assure you it's nothing to do with her having any second thoughts about your relationship or lessening of feelings from her side. I did a similar thing once with someone I was truly head-over-heels about. I just felt things were moving far too fast!

    It's just that she's feeling overwhelmed by the intensity of it, which is making her feel vulnerable, off-balance etc so slowing things down is her way of dealing with this. In actual fact this will be far better for your RL in the long run as it's healthier for one thing to give it some 'breathing space' by not living in each others' pockets all the time. Always best to have a life of your own as well for the same reason.


  • Registered Users Posts: 13,318 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    How old are you both? This all seems vurrrry intense for a four month relationship.


  • Registered Users Posts: 30 Kilroyss


    From direct experience I can identify with how she feels and can assure you it's nothing to do with her having any second thoughts about your relationship or lessening of feelings from her side. I did a similar thing once with someone I was truly head-over-heels about. I just felt things were moving far too fast!

    It's just that she's feeling overwhelmed by the intensity of it, which is making her feel vulnerable, off-balance etc so slowing things down is her way of dealing with this. In actual fact this will be far better for your RL in the long run as it's healthier for one thing to give it some 'breathing space' by not living in each others' pockets all the time. Always best to have a life of your own as well for the same reason.

    Thank you, that makes me feel much better


  • Registered Users Posts: 30 Kilroyss


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    How old are you both? This all seems vurrrry intense for a four month relationship.

    I know its very intense very quick, but that's just how it is. We are both 22


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  • Registered Users Posts: 30 Kilroyss


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    How old are you both? This all seems vurrrry intense for a four month relationship.

    I know its very intense very quick, but that's just how it is. We are both 22


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,564 ✭✭✭✭whiskeyman


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    How old are you both? This all seems vurrrry intense for a four month relationship.

    There's no set rule here.
    What's quick for one couple is slow for another.
    .
    My own relationship with my now wife was very full on in the first 3 months, but it's what we both wanted and felt right at the time. The communication was open and honest and it was brilliant.
    It's only a problem if it's too fast or slow for one of you.
    4 months is still the 'honeymood period' too, so your probably still dying to be in touch and be with each other 24/7.
    I think you need to talk to her about the anxiety. Is this something she suffers from a lot?
    Had she had it before?
    Is it her first relationship?


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    OP this all sounds very intense for only 4 months and you're both still very young. She obviously feels that things are going too fast and wants to slow down a bit! It doesn't mean that she wants to break up with you, but she probably just wants to enjoy what is meant to be the fun early stages of the relationship without the pressure of "spending the rest of your lives together".

    I wouldn't overthink it. Try to just go back to the way things were before, but without all the talk of the future. Instead, just plan to do fun things together in the not too distant future (gigs, festivals, whatever yous are into). Just try to enjoy how things are now, without thinking too far ahead yet.


  • Posts: 2,078 ✭✭✭ Serena Mushy Sorrow


    I think there are two types of people, one type know when things feel right and just go for it and the other type that want to hedge their bets and constantly wait for something better. She sounds like the second type. Both my wife and I were the first type.

    We both dated other people before we met but there was never a click for either of us. When we met we just hit it off immediately.

    We met about the age you are now and we're still married 23 years later.

    I hope it works out for you OP but I personally would find it hard to stay interested after being told this.

    I mean if you are unsure and slowing down after 4 months what's it going to be like after 4 years?


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