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Why do women go off sex?

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    #62
    scholar007
    Closed Accounts Posts: 902 ✭✭✭scholar007


    Taltos wrote: »
    OP - RI is an advice forum. We are not here to debate or discuss items.
    If you are happy to seek and receive advice on your issue we will leave the thread open, if however you are looking for feedback or a discussion on women losing their sex drive we will proceed and close this thread.

    Thanks
    Taltos


    Thanks to you all for you advice and opinions- I brought it up again with herself and she said its either her way or the highway so it looks like its celibacy from here on out. Cheers!


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    #63
    vivienmelican
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18 ✭vivienmelican


    I'm a woman and i have never gone off sex - except if im with a man who i find unattractive and repulsive (one ex boyfriend springs to mind)
    I am married now 7 years and i still want sex as much as when we met - although with kids in the frame you have to find your moments. I would not stay on a sexless marriage for long unless my husband had a genuine illness. But if he woke up one day and said i still love you but im not not sex anymore - it would be a dealbreaker for me. You cannot have a proper marriage without real intimacy and sex. If there are rocks inside the marriage bed its a slippery slope.


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    #64
    Scanlas The 2nd
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,144 ✭✭✭Scanlas The 2nd


    scholar007 wrote: »
    Taltos wrote: »
    OP - RI is an advice forum. We are not here to debate or discuss items.
    If you are happy to seek and receive advice on your issue we will leave the thread open, if however you are looking for feedback or a discussion on women losing their sex drive we will proceed and close this thread.

    Thanks
    Taltos


    Thanks to you all for you advice and opinions- I brought it up again with herself and she said its either her way or the highway so it looks like its celibacy from here on out. Cheers!

    Is there no possibility you could stay together but see other people?

    What was actually said?


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    #65
    I am a friend
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    scholar007 wrote: »
    Thanks to you all for you advice and opinions- I brought it up again with herself and she said its either her way or the highway so it looks like its celibacy from here on out. Cheers!

    Did she give any explanation?


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    #66
    daisybelle2008
    Registered Users Posts: 2,403 ✭✭✭daisybelle2008


    Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »
    Is there no possibility you could stay together but see other people?

    What was actually said?

    If she does not want to have sex with you, then is it ok for you to look elsewhere.

    You have a lot of choices here. You could down-size materially and visit your kids a lot, not sure why you think an hour on Saturday at McDonalds is all you would do. It is up to you to ensure you are more hands on and civil about it.

    You seem like a petulant child not get their own way on one issue you have tunnel vision about. Seriously you don't seem to have a real problem with the lack of non-sexual intimacy and communication, or the fact your wife clearly does not love or respect you and could take or leave you.

    It looks like if you could have sex a few times a week you would be grand with everything else being crap.

    I am not sure if you think having sex would miraculously fix everything else. But to be honest your relationship seems so far down the toilet it is amazing that either of ye would want to have sex with each other.


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    #67
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    As others have said, this looks like a communication problem. You are unable to discuss this with your wife. That's the main problem. The rest is a side effect.

    I'd get marriage counselling.


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    #68
    Sleepy
    Registered Users Posts: 24,146 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    OP - in your shoes, I'd just start getting sex outside your marriage. Your wife is obviously unreasonable and since she won't even discuss it with you, isn't really worth taking into consideration at this stage.


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    #69
    Elmer Blooker
    Registered Users Posts: 6,034 ✭✭✭Elmer Blooker


    pwurple wrote: »
    As others have said, this looks like a communication problem. You are unable to discuss this with your wife. That's the main problem. The rest is a side effect.

    I'd get marriage counselling.
    I suggest you go and read post no 4 on this thread.
    Good suggestion Sleepy, I think the OP should start looking elsewhere if his wife has decided he's past his sell-by date.
    She seems to me to be quite a cold individual.
    Best of luck OP.


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    #70
    newuser30
    Registered Users Posts: 83 ✭✭newuser30


    Terrible suggestions there. He wants to fix the relationship, or at least have a physical relationship and he is advised to cheat on her. I advise if he just wants sex, (and he is just talking about it like its another thing he wants in his life, along with his house, good job etc, rather than any real expression of love for his wife) and he has tried to discuss this and everything else that this problem might be stemming from, then he should proceed to end the relationship and be very clear about this, whether its a seperation or whatever, before he goes looking for some randomer to have sex with.

    OP your wife is probably annoyed by your pressuring her about it, it looks like you want sex but you don't want her. We are bombarded with everything got to do with sex every day, every ones at it, young and old, and we should all be having it. But its not like that. Sex in a marraige is a physical expression of the love and intimacy that exists between you. If there is neither of these things there will be no sex, because,( Im talking from my point of view here as a woman but cant speak for everyone), its kind of like what's the point? Women don't need it, men possibly do to a certain extent. So she would be forcing herself just to shut you up, why would she do that. You both need to fix the relationship before you have a sex life again I'm afraid. But the question is are you willing to do all it takes to bond with your wife again, it definitely wont be easy. If you aren't willing to try, then seperate.


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    #71
    Sleepy
    Registered Users Posts: 24,146 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    He's made it clear that he's not in a position to separate and his wife isn't prepared to work at making their marriage anything more than the sham it currently is. Irish family law is incredibly biased against men and I can guarantee he's not the only man stuck in a loveless marriage with a woman he'd leave if he knew it wouldn't financially ruin him and relegate him to the role of "a weekend dad" that the kids only see for a few hours a week.

    I honestly don't think the OP could be blamed if he found discreet comfort with a woman in a similar marriage or a single woman who knew his situation and was happy to accept that he wasn't going to change it.


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    #72
    hondasam
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,419 ✭✭✭✭hondasam


    scholar007 wrote: »
    Thanks to you all for you advice and opinions- I brought it up again with herself and she said its either her way or the highway so it looks like its celibacy from here on out. Cheers!

    What are you looking for from her, just sex once a week for your needs or do you want a close intimate relationship with her? did ye ever have a good sex life?
    I would agree with going elsewhere for sex but be prepared for it ending your marriage when she finds out.
    The problem with going elsewhere for sex is the possibility of getting to close to another person which will bring it's own problems.


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    #73
    scarlett Pimpernel
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6 ✭scarlett Pimpernel


    well im a woman and i certainly need sex! and im married and a mother. If i go one week without sex i get moody. maybe im in a minority i dont know. OP all i know is if my hubby refused sex for all those years for selfish reason( ie not medical) i would either leave or maybe have an affair. Yes holding hands and cuddling is lovely too, but we are humans we have a natural urge for sex, well i do anyway and dont believe its simply an urge men feel. sometimes sex for purely sex sake is amazing without all the lets gaze at each other crap and make love.


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    #74
    newuser30
    Registered Users Posts: 83 ✭✭newuser30


    scarlett Pimpernel wrote: »
    well im a woman and i certainly need sex! and im married and a mother. If i go one week without sex i get moody. maybe im in a minority i dont know. OP all i know is if my hubby refused sex for all those years for selfish reason( ie not medical) i would either leave or maybe have an affair. Yes holding hands and cuddling is lovely too, but we are humans we have a natural urge for sex, well i do anyway and dont believe its simply an urge men feel. sometimes sex for purely sex sake is amazing without all the lets gaze at each other crap and make love.
    Im trying to understand what's up with his wife and as I said am not speaking for every woman. Personally I cant do it with someone I'm unhappy with or if im deeply unhappy with the relationship. We can all do it for the sake of it, at least I can for a while, but not for long. The intimacy needs to be there to keep it going.


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    #75
    daisybelle2008
    Registered Users Posts: 2,403 ✭✭✭daisybelle2008


    Sleepy wrote: »

    I can guarantee he's not the only man stuck in a loveless marriage with a woman he'd leave if he knew it wouldn't financially ruin him and relegate him to the role of "a weekend dad" that the kids only see for a few hours a week.

    I honestly don't think the OP could be blamed if he found discreet comfort with a woman in a similar marriage or a single woman who knew his situation and was happy to accept that he wasn't going to change it.

    Well for me there could be no financial price I would not be willing to pay rather than living a lie of a relationship. The risk of financial ruin would be a small price for my freedom and being true to myself.

    I am not sure what lesson this is supposed to be given your kids. Stay with someone for the sake of the house ?? Kids pick up on these things. Surely his sexual tension and her indifference is not a healthy environment for them.

    And not sure why he would only need to see his kids for a few hours a week? Why not take them out during the week evenings, get involved with their sports/activities and do stuff together at the weekends. The number of hours actual 'quality time' any parent gets to see their kids is limited anyway due to work, school, hobbies, sleep. It is not much more than a few hours a day at most any way!

    Buying into this stereotype of a two bar bedsit and McDonalds once a week, really is not useful and stupidly speculative as every situation is different. I think it is used as an excuse for someone paralysed with fear and inaction (he has spent the last 10 years like this for Gods sake). He keeps insisting it is something to do with 'women going off sex'

    If they don't want to make their loveless marriage work at least give a seperation some shot and put in the effort and imagination to spending quality time with your kids in those circumstances.


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    #76
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    I'm curious to know what your married life is like other than this? How do the pair of you get on otherwise? Is there any sort of friendship there at all? Are you able to sit down and talk about anything? What I noticed from this thread was how you didn't really seem to take on board what people were talking about. People suggested all sorts of reasons why your wife might not want to have sex with you. Yet you came back and more or less reprised your initial question as if the other posts had never happened. The way you're talking about your wife doesn't make it sound like you even like her. Excuse my assumptions here by the way. I know you're very frustrated


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    #77
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    The OPs wife says - I dont want to have sex and its my way or the highway.

    There are possible weeks of silence if he brings it up.

    The OP says - why do women go off sex, I cant afford the highway, I dont want my parenting to be an hour in McDonalds.

    The above thoughts/opinions/views do not come across as adult viewpoints or modes of communication from either party.

    No amount of nice house etc... is worth staying in a dead relationship for. Clearly if the above is the level of communication then there is no mutual love or respect.

    Perhaps if the OP told his wife that he wished to take the highway, and as such the family home would have to be sold, and rented accommodations sought for all while they await a court date pertaining to spousal support, maintenance and access agreements to be hammered out OR they could go for couples counselling - which would she go for?

    Because judging by the childish exchanges on the issue of their relationship and the unwillingness for either of them to address anything for the past 10 years - perhaps she thinks he will never act to change anything and she is happy with that?


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    #78
    scholar007
    Closed Accounts Posts: 902 ✭✭✭scholar007


    Nearly a week of silence - she went out Friday night looking very hot - came home late...Whats a guy to do?:confused:


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    #79
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    OP, you have had 6 pages of advice here and you are asking the same question regardless of the advice already given, so I'm locking this thread.

    The posters of PI aren't going to be able to solve your marital issues beyond the advice already proffered - you need to speak to your wife/get professional help in the real world.

    All the very best.


This discussion has been closed.
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