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Gay Dad

  • 26-01-2004 7:14pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'm 24 and live away from home.
    For a few years now, I've known my dad has been looking at gay porn on the internet.
    (he wasn't covering his tracks).
    A few months ago I discovered he is meeting up with other gay men around Ireland.
    Recently my Mum found out about these activities, and has told us kids (who are all grown up now), and his sisters (she gets on very well with them and has no sisters of her own to turn to).
    My brain is kind of mixed up about the whole thing, and was hoping some people here could give me their opinions on the situation.
    I am not too upset by it, since I've known for quite some time,
    however my younger brother took it quite bad, and is on anti-depressants.
    My older sister also took it quite bad. I feel sorry for them and my mum.
    My Dads sisters encouraged him to move out. He said he will if that's what mum and us want.
    I personally don't think he should, but think it's between him and mum now (all the kids have flown the nest).
    They are both in the autumn of their lives and to uproot everything now would not be easy for anyone.
    They are basically living separate lives in the same house. (different rooms)
    My dads sister says she would not tolerate it, and has told him this.

    I don't think my dad realises how much hurt he has caused with this.
    I'm annoyed with him, but haven't told him. He had a rough life as a kid.
    Apparantly nobody else knows, but he has not been
    very discreet about it, and I wouldn't be surprised if others knew
    (work colleagues) and gossip spreads like wild fire.
    I don't know what to do.
    I hate the idea of going to weddings..etc, as a broken family. AT the moment it's "happy family" at these events.
    Maybe him f***king off would be best.

    Sounds like something out of Jerry Springer. I wish it was.

    Gary.


Comments

  • #2
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    Gary
    I am going to move this to the Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual forum where I think you may get some answers

    one thing I will say to you though, your Dad cannot help who he is anymore than you can and he obviously grew up in a time when it was very difficult to accept his sexuality for what it was, back then it was only socially acceptable to marry someone, I can well understand him wanting desperately to be like everyone else, perhaps he denied his sexuality even to himself, but in these days it’s ok to be whatever you want, so why not!
    He probably well knows he does not have much time left on this earth so he is just exploring this area of his life before he dies. Look at it that way and perhaps you can have more sympathy for him.
    As a parent myself, if my daughter was all grown up and has left home, as far as I’m concerned I’ll do as I please and my daughter will just have to accept that as I have to accept whatever she does.
    Try not to care too much about what other people think, in the long run their opinion means nothing if they are not accepting people. Once the shock wears off perhaps you can think more clearly, your dad is still your dad whatever way you want to look at it.
    can I also say that it must have been very difficult for him all through his life to not be able to be himself totally, to go through decades of your life passing you by and not be what you were meant to be, it must have taken great strength to hang in there for as long as he has and done nothing about it until his kids had grow up, such self sacrifice must be appreciated by you and your siblings.
    I could never have done that without going mad

    a


  • #3
    yellum
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,025 ✭✭✭yellum


    There are many married men who are gay or have homosexual tendencies. I think your mother and father need to work this out and see what they both want now. After that they can communicate it to you and your siblings.

    Its hard on the kids now because its a huge shock but in time they'll adjust to the situation. What your father did has caused hurt but I doubt it was intentional. If he was just acting on his desire and what he really wants to be then its understandable.


  • #4
    seamus
    Registered Users Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    As Beruthial says, you can't blame him for being that way, he just is. He would never intentionally seek to hurt you or your family I assume, but it's unfortunate that it came out the way it did. It's probably pretty likely that he may be ashamed of who he is, and still a little cautious.

    I'd say the best you can be is supportive. You have to remember that he wasn't lying to you for x amount of years, in fact he was probably lying to himself.

    I would say there's still a chance that him and your mum could have a friendly relationship. But there needs to be open discussion about it. If everyone avoids the situation, hides from the rest of the family, and sulks in depression, it'll never be resolved, and people could grow old and bitter.


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for the replies guys. Much appreciated..
    I think your views are probably the best way..
    I can accept them but I don't think my siblings will..

    I really don't want the rest of the extended family knowing about this. They are quite traditional and I don't think some of them would take it well.

    Thanks Again,
    gary


  • #6
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    Originally posted by GaryG
    I really don't want the rest of the extended family knowing about this. They are quite traditional and I don't think some of them would take it well

    you could be pleasantly surprised Gary, when I was a kid, my parents were very strict, traditional, religious people who in their sixties have turned into open minded, live and let live hippies - no one was more surprised than me at that change!!


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  • #7
    oneweb
    Registered Users Posts: 3,132 ✭✭✭oneweb


    It's vital you find some way of talking with him about the situation. Be open about it. I'm not in your situation but I do know what it's like to avoid an issue with parents. It eats away and gets more painful every day - and the issues will always be there.

    You need to understand what your father is going through as well as him knowing about how you feel. Mention the fact that you know, quietly, to him and keep the conversation going if he tries to avoid it, tell him you need to know for your own sake. Ask him whatever you want, but just make sure you both understand where each of you stand.

    Take Care
    B

    It is what it's.



  • #8
    Yoda
    Registered Users Posts: 1,853 ✭✭✭Yoda


    I think they need to get your brother off anti-depressants for this. He needs to deal with it, not avoid it.

    Gods they prescribe that crap for anything at the drop of a hat these days, don't they?


  • #9
    Typedef
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,564 ✭✭✭Typedef


    Originally posted by GaryG
    I hate the idea of going to weddings..etc, as a broken family. AT the moment it's "happy family" at these events.
    Maybe him f***king off would be best.

    Sounds like something out of Jerry Springer. I wish it was.

    Gary.


    Are you for real?

    What the fnck do you care about 'happy family' sharades at weddings? Man, life is much too short to be agonising over that sort of ascenine bull.

    Seriously, if your old man is gay, and he and your mother essentially live seperate lives, what logic, is served pretending to have a nuclear family?

    Also, you know, it is your father you're talking about, and you either accept his being gay as you know 'part of who he is' as annoying shrill people on the Riki Lake show would say or you disavow your old man.

    It's pretty simple like that, and personally, I can't think of anything wierder then pretending you were in some sort of stepford family, because, thing is, deep, dark ugly secrets have a tendancy to surface.

    At which point everybody looks like a prick for having lied 'barefaced' for years.


  • #10
    boomdogman
    Closed Accounts Posts: 115 ✭✭boomdogman


    Dear Gary,
    What is happening here is very hard on you and on your family. Its tough to see those you love suffer and you all are suffering emotionally trying to come to terms with a very great upheaval.

    You seem to be a courageous and well adjusted young man who has coped with life's most difficult discoveries, that parents are human, fallible and that some changes cannot be mended. That does not mean that you do not suffer or that a bit of you does not long for things to be different, to be as they were in that past when your Da loved your Mother and the world was whole.

    Of course love does not disappear, somewhere behind all of the confusion and pain that love that made your childhoods still lives. Your Da is a gay man but he is still your father. The question is how can all of you accomodate the knowledge you now have?

    Your brother needs counselling not just medication to deal with this knowledge.

    All I can say to you is your Da was always gay yet you live because he loved your mother in some way. They have spent so long together it would be difficult for them to live separately, financially,socially and personally. What does she want? What is possible?

    Bugger the family weddings, they are overestimated. This is about you and your immediate family, not the mad aunts or perfect cousins. Don't hurt yourself thinking
    them.

    Courage, you are a very fine young man, someday pain fades and we just have the love.


  • #11
    the_syco
    Registered Users Posts: 37,295 ✭✭✭✭the_syco


    Originally posted by GaryG
    I don't think my dad realises how much hurt he has caused with this.
    ...
    Maybe him f***king off would be best.

    A few things.
    As someone else said, in his times, things were different. There may not have been "proud-to-be" gay's where he came from, thus ignored the feelings inside of him
    Also, he may have been like this for a long time. I say; at least he waited untill you all grew up, before he "came out". Would you have preferred to have been a "broken family" all this time? I think not.

    On a final note, you sound a bit selfish. It's all you, you, you. "how much hurt he has caused".

    Also. You say gay. I say bisexual. Remembered; he was with your mum for quite a while.


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  • #12
    PiE
    Registered Users Posts: 5,538 ✭✭✭PiE


    Jesus Christ, whether he's gay or not he cheated on his wife and disrupted his own family. I don't see why he should be given sympathy for that.


  • #13
    BuffyBot
    Moderators, Motoring & Transport Moderators Posts: 24,924 Mod ✭✭✭✭BuffyBot


    Jesus Christ, whether he's gay or not he cheated on his wife and disrupted his own family. I don't see why he should be given sympathy for that.

    Probably because thigns, in the real world, aren't that black and white. Why do you think he did it?


  • #14
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    Originally posted by PiE
    Jesus Christ, whether he's gay or not he cheated on his wife and disrupted his own family. I don't see why he should be given sympathy for that.

    because you would prefer that he hate his da for what essentially is something he cannot help?
    hate is a negative energy which if you feed for long enough will fester and twist you into a person that you won’t like and in the end will effect you just as much as the people around you


  • #15
    PiE
    Registered Users Posts: 5,538 ✭✭✭PiE


    No I never said he shouldn't forgive him. That's up to him. What I'm shocked at is the attitude here that because he might be gay, oh it's OK for him to test it out.

    So if your dad had a craving to screw a black woman since he was 10 but felt it wasn't socially acceptable in the 50's to do so... he thought he'd try it out now "before it was too late". You'd be OK with that?

    Gimme a break. You'd kick him in the bollox.


  • #16
    BuffyBot
    Moderators, Motoring & Transport Moderators Posts: 24,924 Mod ✭✭✭✭BuffyBot


    So if your dad had a craving to screw a black woman since he was 10 but felt it wasn't socially acceptable in the 50's to do so... he thought he'd try it out now "before it was too late". You'd be OK with that?

    While it's a similar concept, it's not quite the same thing.


  • #17
    seamus
    Registered Users Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    Originally posted by BuffyBot
    While it's a similar concept, it's not quite the same thing.
    Indeed. There's a difference between someone finally accepting they're gay, than a man fancying a bit of rufty with the 'darkie' around the corner.

    I don't think it's as black & white as "he cheated on her". Technically, yes he did, but the bigger issue is that he's gay. When someone cheats, it's possible to say you're sorry, and try mend things. When someone accepts to themself that they're gay, it changes the landscape dramatically. There's no desire to mend things back to the way they were.


  • #18
    boomdogman
    Closed Accounts Posts: 115 ✭✭boomdogman


    Hey! People a bit of consideration. This is about a young man who is hurting. He posted here because collectively we might be able to help, to offer some advice or just because he needed to put it down in black and white for himself. Keep the smart arguments and the put downs for some other time.


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