What's the etiquette here??

JohnnyFlash · 06-12-2019 2:10pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Well, the obvious thing to do,John, is to, what do they say, use it or lose it.

I’d slot into the exec. shïtters,spool up,hold brake release till the pressure is close to max,then discharge an ‘uncontained’ sheet of scutther covering the furniture and fittings and surrounding area with a wide ‘damage footprint’.

Leave the lot there to ‘season’.... and a nice gesture would be to leave an Xmas Card with a note....something like “Thanks for the Xmas Party, the Asian selection was lovely’

It pays to be nice, John, you know that.

Sound advice. Heard of a former ‘chief’ of a large semi-state who would leave a fücking log like a rhino’s leg in the bowl of the C-Suite shïtter before board meetings. He’s spot one of the directors coming in looking shocked and know he had witnessed something terrible. Then use the meeting to get that director to agree to extra work and responsibility.

Cunning ploy.

06-12-2019 2:14pm

The company is having a Christmas buffet in the canteen today. Everyone including myself were helping themselves to handfuls of cocktail sausages, chicken goujons and other assorted "finger food" earlier. No prawns thankfully.
Just out of the throne room after dropping a larger than usual (post tea break) load of scutter. All stalls full and a serious festive fent in the air. Will no doubt be back for another round after lunch later. Tis the season etc.

EmmetSpiceland · 06-12-2019 2:14pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

The environmental option? I see.

Like the next person, I have released my fair share of various bodily fluids in forests, beaches, rivers, lakes, parks, derelict buildings, public transport, rooftops etc.

Yeah, I’ve been working on lowering my carbon “skid mark” so two flushes would have been wasteful. Obviously, if I could go back, I’d put 14 plastic bags and 2 cans of Lynx in on top of the flush if it meant I’d avoid being dealt that knock out stench.

Good to hear you were one of the ones who got “out and about” in your youth, too many on here would have been sat in front of a screen, living life “second hand”.

EmmetSpiceland · 06-12-2019 2:17pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Sound advice. Heard of a former ‘chief’ of a large semi-state who would leave a fücking log like a rhino’s leg in the bowl of the C-Suite shïtter before board meetings. He’s spot one of the directors coming in looking shocked and know he had witnessed something terrible. Then use the meeting to get that director to agree to extra work and responsibility.

Cunning ploy.

I believe former American president Lyndon B. Johnson employed similar “tactics”, J.

But he did it while sitting on the toilet or “waggling” his own “Johnson” at them.

NeinNeinNein · 06-12-2019 2:21pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Yeah, I’ve been working on lowering my carbon “skid mark” so two flushes would have been wasteful. Obviously, if I could go back, I’d put 14 plastic bags and 2 cans of Lynx in on top of the flush if it meant I’d avoid being dealt that knock out stench.

Good to hear you were one of the ones who got “out and about” in your youth, too many on here would have been sat in front of a screen, living life “second hand”.

That would have been worse than the smell of sh*t, surely?

Brendan Bendar · 06-12-2019 3:23pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Sound advice. Heard of a former ‘chief’ of a large semi-state who would leave a fücking log like a rhino’s leg in the bowl of the C-Suite shïtter before board meetings. He’s spot one of the directors coming in looking shocked and know he had witnessed something terrible. Then use the meeting to get that director to agree to extra work and responsibility.

Cunning ploy.

Aah. ‘C’ status execs John, fückers eat so much rich food,especially round this time of year, that they would need drawstring holes,like that auld tartan duffle bag you used to hide your ‘ Gentleman’s Phamplets’ in .

Probably well ‘marbled’ with crab meat and undigested olives.

Good way of waking lads up though.

Sharp MZ700 · 06-12-2019 4:44pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Aah. ‘C’ status execs John, fückers eat so much rich food,especially round this time of year, that they would need drawstring holes,like that auld tartan duffle bag you used to hide your ‘ Gentleman’s Phamplets’ in .

Probably well ‘marbled’ with crab meat and undigested olives.

Good way of waking lads up though.

Never thought of it as marbling Brendan, beautiful. The word far outshines the deed, some of my Panda spread offloads wouldn't be that eloquent.

Hector Savage · 06-12-2019 4:47pm

Earlier during the week had something niggling in the belly, was letting off low humming thick farts - the kind of ones that you can feel the thickness of and may even burn - fent of them like rotten cabbages.
Was in the jax and had to rush out, nothing worse when you feel sick over the vile smell of your own chite.

Thankfully things are back to normal today, dropped a load like I was a giant ice cream gun earlier, but definetely bearable smell wise - for me anyway, not sure about the poor fecker who was in the stall after me !

Kermit.de.frog · 06-12-2019 11:43pm

The Irish Independent is looking to raise the tone of it's output to Boards standard

https://www.independent.ie/life/health-wellbeing/toilet-talk-is-your-poo-normal-38759210.html

tgdaly · 07-12-2019 12:40am

Happy 4000 posts lads, keep up the good work

Geuze · 07-12-2019 1:27am

Feeling a bit of tight pressure lately, so dropped a Ducolax tonight.

Hopefully plenty of softness tomorrow morning.

fuerte1976 · 07-12-2019 5:06am

Geuze wrote: »

Feeling a bit of tight pressure lately, so dropped a Ducolax tonight.

Hopefully plenty of softness tomorrow morning.

I do hope that clutch doesn't slip during the night..

Sharp MZ700 · 07-12-2019 9:34am

Just threw something out the back end there now, stench of 2 year old compost off it. Wouldn't be surprised if there were maggots in it but didn't have time to check. Will be up to full capacity fast without that decomposing in my back mulcher.

Brendan Bendar · 07-12-2019 9:51am

Creepazoid wrote: »

Dangleberries are back, feck sake I hate trimming anus hair.

It's either trim or the never ending wipe.

Hang your hoop over a saucepan of boiling water and loosen the arse spiders.

Tip of a dishcloth will sweep them off no problem.

Otherwise you will have to visit the bleaching shop.

EmmetSpiceland · 07-12-2019 9:58am

Creepazoid wrote: »

Dangleberries are back, feck sake I hate trimming anus hair.

It's either trim or the never ending wipe.

Do you “double-mirror” when you’re trimming back down there or do you work blind?

Nevin Parsnipp · 07-12-2019 10:36am

Creepazoid wrote: »

Work blind, takes around 20 mins.

Legs behind me head and scissors away

That method requires a very steady hand....and not something to be undertaken lightly.

Heard of a lad down Batterstown way who lost a cobb when doing some arse hair "thinning" after a nite on the porter...

Be careful...

JohnnyFlash · 07-12-2019 10:38am

Creepazoid wrote: »

Work blind, takes around 20 mins.

Legs behind me head and scissors away

What about Veet hair removal cream? Liberally apply to the ‘bunghole and biffin’ and let us know how you get on.........

fuerte1976 · 07-12-2019 10:44am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

What about Veet hair removal cream? Liberally apply to the ‘bunghole and biffin’ and let us know how you get on.........

Used said product on me beaver back in the 'boy band era' of my life.
Does the job but be careful of chemical burn.. Dunno if I could tolerate that on me hoop to be honest..

NeinNeinNein · 07-12-2019 1:17pm

If all else fails there's always the 'scented candle singe off' method. Just be careful with escaping gases and your Nana's net curtains.

KWAG2019 · 07-12-2019 2:04pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

If all else fails there's always the 'scented candle singe off' method. Just be careful with escaping gases and your Nana's net curtains.

Worse scenarios spring to mind given that posters complain of being bound up and eventually releasing noxious gases that cause evacuation of facilities: imagine internal combustion. :eek:

EmmetSpiceland · 07-12-2019 2:10pm

KWAG2019 wrote: »

Worse scenarios spring to mind given that posters complain of being bound up and eventually releasing noxious gases that cause evacuation of facilities: imagine internal combustion. :eek:

Might be an idea to invest in a “welder’s mask”, safety first.

Brendan Bendar · 07-12-2019 10:41pm

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

That method requires a very steady hand....and not something to be undertaken lightly.

Heard of a lad down Batterstown way who lost a cobb when doing some arse hair "thinning" after a nite on the porter...

Be careful...

Indeed Nevin, lad I know burst a clump of arse grapes after keeling over and falling on the scissors.

Ended up in the A& E covered in blood and a scissors hanging from his hoop.

Another lad tried one of those nose trimmers and ripped his hoop which needed a week in hospital.

Don’t put anything sharp near yer hoop.

JohnnyFlash · 08-12-2019 10:52am

9.49 in the morning and I’m sitting in a greasy spoon cafe in Belfast after a most eventful morning.

Long story short, I pulled a woman last night and she brought me back to her place. Filthy gob on her. Anyways I was woken from my sleep circa 8.30 this morning. She was telling me to get the fück out of her house. I immediately thought - not another one of these again, the husband will be home soon. But no, turns out I was letting off long, loud, and increasingly pungent farts since around 6am. And that the odd time I’d chuckle in my sleep when I let a particularly loud ‘window rattler’ go.

She was very angry. Didn’t even make me one of those famous Ulster fry’s. Had to make my own way out and spotted a famed picture of Maggie Windsor in the hall. Eventually flagged down a taxi and when he heard my accent he went ‘you’re a long way from Dublin out here, pal’.

Terrible morning. Fûcking Nordies.

Hector Savage · 08-12-2019 11:40am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Indeed Nevin, lad I know burst a clump of arse grapes after keeling over and falling on the scissors.

Ended up in the A& E covered in blood and a scissors hanging from his hoop.

Another lad tried one of those nose trimmers and ripped his hoop which needed a week in hospital.

Don’t put anything sharp near yer hoop.

Actually in pain reading that !!! jaaaysuuus....

Hector Savage · 08-12-2019 11:42am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

9.49 in the morning and I’m sitting in a greasy spoon cafe in Belfast after a most eventful morning.

Long story short, I pulled a woman last night and she brought me back to her place. Filthy gob on her. Anyways I was woken from my sleep circa 8.30 this morning. She was telling me to get the fück out of her house. I immediately thought - not another one of these again, the husband will be home soon. But no, turns out I was letting off long, loud, and increasingly pungent farts since around 6am. And that the odd time I’d chuckle in my sleep when I let a particularly loud ‘window rattler’ go.

She was very angry. Didn’t even make me one of those famous Ulster fry’s. Had to make my own way out and spotted a famed picture of Maggie Windsor in the hall. Eventually flagged down a taxi and when he heard my accent he went ‘you’re a long way from Dublin out here, pal’.

Terrible morning. Fûcking Nordies.

did the Taxi driver say "What about ye...?"

09-12-2019 12:01pm

I had a lot of rich foods and confectionery over the weekend. This culminated in a spectacular yuletide log in the company bog just now. I feel absolutely privileged to have deposited such an amazing pile of midden. It was perfect. Surprisingly little effort, fent wasn't too bad and minimal paperwork afterwards. Happy Christmas.

Hector Savage · 09-12-2019 12:37pm

My hoop is in a bad way these last few days, hurt the ****er with a wide load passing through a few days back and now everytime I sit on the throne and deposit a log it hurts.

pray for me lads...

Ush1 · 09-12-2019 2:15pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

My hoop is in a bad way these last few days, hurt the ****er with a wide load passing through a few days back and now everytime I sit on the throne and deposit a log it hurts.

pray for me lads...

Baggy anus syndrome.

EmmetSpiceland · 09-12-2019 2:30pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

My hoop is in a bad way these last few days, hurt the ****er with a wide load passing through a few days back and now everytime I sit on the throne and deposit a log it hurts.

pray for me lads...

Don’t look for much sympathy on here, H.

Last time I had any serious “discomfort” it was dismissed as a “slight tear”. ****ing “slight”. I was torn, H. ****ing torn!!

Good luck with your recovery, my good man, and may your logs be thin and slick.

fuerte1976 · 09-12-2019 4:08pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

My hoop is in a bad way these last few days, hurt the ****er with a wide load passing through a few days back and now everytime I sit on the throne and deposit a log it hurts.

pray for me lads...

Few floury spuds will thin out the dung H...
Eat them mind, don't put the starchy yokes near your hoop..

What's the etiquette here??

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