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Are there nice guys out there?

13

Comments

  • #62
    Ella281
    Closed Accounts Posts: 100 ✭✭Ella281


    99nsr125 wrote: »
    It's not them it's you

    No, it’s definitely them, being creeps!


  • #63
    completedit
    Registered Users Posts: 2,639 ✭✭✭completedit


    It's impossible for a man to not come across creepy if he is to take the lead and try make something happen. I am a passive guy who chats all nice and pleasent with girls and it goes nowhere. If I was to escalate the chat I'm sure I'd be a creeper too.


  • #64
    Ella281
    Closed Accounts Posts: 100 ✭✭Ella281


    completedit wrote: »
    It's impossible for a man to not come across creepy if he is to take the lead and try make something happen. I am a passive guy who chats all nice and pleasent with girls and it goes nowhere. If I was to escalate the chat I'm sure I'd be a creeper too.

    That’s not true. If they treated the woman with respect and as a human being, they wouldn’t be creepy.
    For example, instead of assuming physical contact on a first date, perhaps actually put themselves in the other persons shoes and think first. Or I dunno.....Ask where the person is at?

    Well I can tell you, passive is also frustrating too as rather than engage and progress, you just give up? Leaving the other person wondering.

    Being direct, respectful and honest is the only way to go complete edit.

    IMO


  • #65
    cloudatlas
    Registered Users Posts: 3,709 ✭✭✭cloudatlas


    Asking 'can I kiss you?' vs. 'can we go to an isolated part of the park?'.

    Spot the difference.


  • #66
    rapul
    Registered Users Posts: 1,038 ✭✭✭rapul


    Lads don't stand a chance


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  • #67
    Ella281
    Closed Accounts Posts: 100 ✭✭Ella281


    cloudatlas wrote: »
    Asking 'can I kiss you?' vs. 'can we go to an isolated part of the park?'.

    Spot the difference.

    Ah Jesus I can’t win here :O
    I do spot the difference. Asking to go to an isolated area is obviously a red flag!


  • #68
    Ella281
    Closed Accounts Posts: 100 ✭✭Ella281


    rapul wrote: »
    Lads don't stand a chance

    There is a balance between being outright creepy and being passive.


  • #69
    rapul
    Registered Users Posts: 1,038 ✭✭✭rapul


    Ella281 wrote: »
    There is a balance between being outright creepy and being passive.

    I agree but, don't paint us all with the same brush though!


  • #70
    Ella281
    Closed Accounts Posts: 100 ✭✭Ella281


    rapul wrote: »
    I agree but, don't paint us all with the same brush though!

    I don’t want to but I’ve yet to be proven otherwise I’m afraid :/


  • #71
    rapul
    Registered Users Posts: 1,038 ✭✭✭rapul


    Ella281 wrote: »
    I don’t want to but I’ve yet to be proven otherwise I’m afraid :/

    Sorry to hear, give it time as the oul cliche goes but that's no help I know, we're not all bad


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  • #72
    9db3xj7z41fs5u
    Closed Accounts Posts: 172 ✭✭9db3xj7z41fs5u


    Ella281 wrote: »
    There is a balance between being outright creepy and being passive.

    I think that everything has to be interpreted within the context of the previous interactions.

    I don’t think that there is a right or wrong! I think that it depends on the people.

    Don’t lose faith! There are plenty of great guys out there!!! I think that they are easier to screen when you meet in person. Every experience brings you closer to your understanding of what works best for you!


  • #73
    JeffKenna
    Registered Users Posts: 4,510 ✭✭✭JeffKenna


    Ella281 wrote: »
    Hi OP

    Relate so much with your post.
    I threw myself into dating this year and unfortunately, each man I met and dated was a weirdo or creeper and it has completely damaged my confidence and mindset.

    I tried my best to filter and screen for weirdos and I would actually be cautious enough before meeting so I’d get to know them a bit first but they still lied and fooled me. I went for different types of guys too with different jobs/backgrounds.
    All I’ve met are men with alcohol and drug, mental health problems and perverts.
    Maybe it’s the way society is now or it may be the disconnect of being online, no accountability and from my own experiences as well as a lot my friends, it seems a lot of men have great expectations, expect everything and for a woman to be perfect and still think they can treat her like sh*t. And you wouldn’t mind, but the ones I met weren’t exactly the catches they claimed to be or anything to get excited about.
    I’ve stepped away from it for my own mental health.

    I think getting to know guys before you meet them is a waste of time. There's so many chancers and wasters (both sexes) online that it's better to try and meet quickly and you'll get a lot better feel for what they're like when you meet them in person. It really is the best way to filter out the deadwood.


  • #74
    Taeholic
    Registered Users Posts: 128 ✭✭Taeholic


    There are nice guys out there, the same way there are nice women out there. I'm sure there are men asking the same question. Dating is a minefield and you definitely have to go with your gut.

    Try not get overly invested early on, be clear about what you're looking for and don't settle for anything less than that. Men are not all the same but in my experience there are a lot more chancers online. It's easier to pretend to be something you're not.

    I've met some great guys but no connection, some creeps, some downright crazy men. Lot of frogs before I met my Mr right. The difference with him was I never ever had any doubts whatsoever about his sincerity. None, he made sure of that.

    In my opinion someone, male or female, that is genuinely interested and invested in finding the right partner will ask how your day was, be interested in your life and want to get to know you. Flirting is important but in a respectful not creepy way. Eg if you find yourself steering the conversation away from sex or innuendo several times then there's your answer.

    In most cases and yes there is the exception to every rule, people show you who they are if you pay attention. You also need to check yourself too, if you're only looking for faults and red flags thats all you're going to find. Be open minded but listen to your gut. There are nice guys out there who are probably just as frustrated by dating as you are. Hang in there


  • #75
    Prominent_Dawg
    Registered Users Posts: 986 ✭✭✭Prominent_Dawg


    datesgowrong wrote: »
    Are there non creepy guys out there?

    Don’t be silly


  • #76
    99nsr125
    Registered Users Posts: 1,183 ✭✭✭99nsr125


    Ella281 wrote: »
    I don’t want to but I’ve yet to be proven otherwise I’m afraid :/

    Well that's because you're the common factor


  • #77
    Ella281
    Closed Accounts Posts: 100 ✭✭Ella281


    99nsr125 wrote: »
    Well that's because you're the common factor

    Yes sure I suppose I deserve what I get.
    I’m the problem.
    I’m asking for it!

    I speak truthfully about how men are acting these days and treating women like crap but I am the problem of course.


  • #78
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users Posts: 3,389 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    dd973 wrote: »
    Women don't want heavy, possessive or jealous controlling men, I totally get that, I wouldn't want that either.

    But they don't want men who are 'too nice' either, so if you're easy going it's a no go. Talk about can't win!

    What do you mean by 'Too nice'?
    Being nice to someone with the expectation they will give you relationships or sex in return for your niceness, isnt really being 'nice', its pretend niceness to get what you want. Often times people who are 'nice' as a means to an end, can become quite bitter and angry when they dont get what they wanted. Theres a bang of entitlement and immaturity of someone who behaves this way.

    Another way of being 'too nice' is through ignoring your own wants and needs and putting everyone else before you. Again its not that the person is 'nice', they may well be but people like this come across as very insecure and are nice as a way of getting approval and acceptance from other people.
    Neither one of these examples is healthy for the person themselves or whoever they get involved with as theres always going to be an inbalance in the relationship, their not equal.

    In both instances, the person being 'nice' is insecure with low self esteem and not to much self awareness in my opinion.

    Also, when in a relationship, there has to be more than just being 'nice', the majority of people are and should be nice, as a very basic level standard, at the very least you would expect to go out with someone whose nice but that cant be all a person has to offer. That goes for men & women btw.


  • #79
    lainey_d_123
    Registered Users Posts: 2,385 ✭✭✭lainey_d_123


    99nsr125 wrote: »
    Well that's because you're the common factor

    Stop with this nonsense!

    A woman who is shrewd, pays attention to red flags and prioritises her safety over hurting someone's feelings is not the problem here.

    There are tons of creeps on the dating apps. You really do have to be switched on and alert. It's completely normal to take some time to find someone decent. The 'nice guys' on here whining about not getting the sex and attention they think they deserve are part of the problem. Why not try to be better instead of expecting women to lower their standards and ignore their gut feelings about you?


  • #80
    rapul
    Registered Users Posts: 1,038 ✭✭✭rapul


    Ah Lainey don't be attacking the so called nice guys with that generalisation, absolutely uncalled for, just don't rise to those posts!

    Your clearly speaking from bad experiences aswell but come on that's a a ridiculous comment.


  • #81
    tjhook
    Registered Users Posts: 728 ✭✭✭tjhook


    Ella281 wrote: »
    I speak truthfully about how men are acting these days and treating women like crap but I am the problem of course.

    If you read some men's forums you'll find plenty of posts about how badly women treat the men who try to interact with them. Maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle? Or maybe the common denominator is where/how you're meeting those men?

    If you truly think as little of men as you say, it probably would be best to to avoid them. Better for you and for the men.


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  • #82
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    The apps can be a circus for both men and women, I guess when you're swiping on people's faces as a means of interacting and making snap decisions based on a few photographs, it does tend to incentivise bad behaviour.

    At the same time, we all have to be accountable for ourselves and what we're bringing to the table. If your energy is one of distrust, defensiveness and "there are no good men out there", "all men/women are (insert adjective here)", you've got a negativity bias there that you'll do your damned subconscious best to prove because that's what we do as humans. It's a self-protective thing and entirely understandable when you've been hurt and disappointed, but will lead to more disappointments all the same.

    If you're meeting non-stop clowns and creeps and con-artists, well sure that could be a lot of really bad luck, but the responsible thing to do is to ask yourself some questions about your approach, your boundaries and your general patterns with dating if this type of person is so often getting in your way. It can be enlightening to ask those questions too, as even though we can't control our dating lives, we can control how we feel about ourselves and the world and it's a whole lot lighter when you've got healthy self-esteem and a sense of who you are that's not impacted by how others respond to you.


  • #83
    Ella281
    Closed Accounts Posts: 100 ✭✭Ella281


    tjhook wrote: »
    If you read some men's forums you'll find plenty of posts about how badly women treat the men who try to interact with them. Maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle? Or maybe the common denominator is where/how you're meeting those men?

    If you truly think as little of men as you say, it probably would be best to to avoid them. Better for you and for the men.

    There’s no point. I cannot win here. Forget it.


  • #84
    Thelonious Monk
    Registered Users Posts: 13,727 ✭✭✭✭Thelonious Monk


    bitofabind wrote: »
    The apps can be a circus for both men and women, I guess when you're swiping on people's faces as a means of interacting and making snap decisions based on a few photographs, it does tend to incentivise bad behaviour.

    At the same time, we all have to be accountable for ourselves and what we're bringing to the table. If your energy is one of distrust, defensiveness and "there are no good men out there", "all men/women are (insert adjective here)", you've got a negativity bias there that you'll do your damned subconscious best to prove because that's what we do as humans. It's a self-protective thing and entirely understandable when you've been hurt and disappointed, but will lead to more disappointments all the same.

    If you're meeting non-stop clowns and creeps and con-artists, well sure that could be a lot of really bad luck, but the responsible thing to do is to ask yourself some questions about your approach, your boundaries and your general patterns with dating if this type of person is so often getting in your way. It can be enlightening to ask those questions too, as even though we can't control our dating lives, we can control how we feel about ourselves and the world and it's a whole lot lighter when you've got healthy self-esteem and a sense of who you are that's not impacted by how others respond to you.

    Exactly. Like know your own worth. You can dictate who you meet and who you don't meet on these apps, that's what I like about them, there's no pressure. I could tell right away if someone was an idiot after chatting to them on an app for a bit. I don't know what kind of chancers you all are meeting but you mustn't have good judges of character.


  • #85
    9db3xj7z41fs5u
    Closed Accounts Posts: 172 ✭✭9db3xj7z41fs5u


    There are lots of nice men and women out there! I have met some really wonderful people over the years!

    I find it is easier if I know the person first. Perhaps joining a gym or a social group (once the lockdown is over) would help! I think that once you get to know a person in person, it is much more obvious regarding compatibilities. Another thing in favour of real encounters, when you send messages through electronic medium, it is easy to feel emotionally disconnected from both the words you say and receive. There isn’t the same feedback as in person. I think that it is much easier to be an exaggerated or forward version of ourselves when we don’t have to process the emotional response of the other person, giving both a false impression and expectation of the other person


  • #86
    Open the Pubs
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 396 ✭✭Open the Pubs


    To bitter women, every guy they don't like is a creep. We see this on this thread. Obviously people become jaded and being single is difficult, especially now with the restrictions.

    It's easier to blame the entire opposite gender than having the self awareness to look at your own actions and what you're looking for in a relationship and where you're looking for it.

    It certainly won't make you any happier to blame men (or women) for not finding a relationship.


  • #87
    lainey_d_123
    Registered Users Posts: 2,385 ✭✭✭lainey_d_123


    Thelonious Monk wrote: »
    Exactly. Like know your own worth. You can dictate who you meet and who you don't meet on these apps, that's what I like about them, there's no pressure. I could tell right away if someone was an idiot after chatting to them on an app for a bit. I don't know what kind of chancers you all are meeting but you mustn't have good judges of character.

    Except OP DID decide early on that someone was an idiot, before she even met him, and she's being criticised for being too fussy and not giving him a chance. So it kind of blows your entire argument out of the water.


  • #88
    Open the Pubs
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 396 ✭✭Open the Pubs


    bitofabind wrote: »
    The apps can be a circus for both men and women, I guess when you're swiping on people's faces as a means of interacting and making snap decisions based on a few photographs, it does tend to incentivise bad behaviour.

    At the same time, we all have to be accountable for ourselves and what we're bringing to the table. If your energy is one of distrust, defensiveness and "there are no good men out there", "all men/women are (insert adjective here)", you've got a negativity bias there that you'll do your damned subconscious best to prove because that's what we do as humans. It's a self-protective thing and entirely understandable when you've been hurt and disappointed, but will lead to more disappointments all the same.

    If you're meeting non-stop clowns and creeps and con-artists, well sure that could be a lot of really bad luck, but the responsible thing to do is to ask yourself some questions about your approach, your boundaries and your general patterns with dating if this type of person is so often getting in your way. It can be enlightening to ask those questions too, as even though we can't control our dating lives, we can control how we feel about ourselves and the world and it's a whole lot lighter when you've got healthy self-esteem and a sense of who you are that's not impacted by how others respond to you.
    Totally agree.


  • #89
    Hqrry113
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 273 ✭✭Hqrry113


    datesgowrong wrote: »
    I'm late twenties and single. The guys I have been meeting lately have been horrible.

    Over the summer, I met what thought was a nice guy. We met randomly outdoors in town, got chatting, he seemed nice and we swapped numbers. We organised a socially distanced date. Within five minutes of this date he just wanted to lock lips, he completely disregarded my feelings and why it wasn't safe to kiss with all that's going on with covid. He kept asking to go to a quiter park as well, which I didn't allow happen. He was horrible, I didn't want to turn on him right there and then in case he done something, so I made an excuse and told him I'd be in touch. The next day he messaged me saying I was nice but I need to change my style. So he didn't like me dressing in jeans and t-shirt and he's already trying to change me. I ignored his message and then another message came through on my phone asking was anyone home and he will call to my place. He didn't know where I lived and I didn't tell him. I told this guy to get lost and I blocked him.

    Then over the past few weeks, I was messaging someone that I met online. We hadn't met yet due to the covid restrictions. Then he questioned me on why I was on WhatsApp one night bat 3am. To me that sounded like something that a controlling person would do. Watch when I was online and question how I was online at 3am. I told this guy to get lost as well.

    Are there non creepy guys out there?

    The problem is girls punching above their weight, they think that because they can get guys to f*** them that that is their weight division which is not the case all.

    Plenty of nice guys out there they're just not the guys who can approach you and get you to like them straight away.


  • #90
    lainey_d_123
    Registered Users Posts: 2,385 ✭✭✭lainey_d_123


    Hqrry113 wrote: »
    The problem is girls punching above their weight, they think that because they can get guys to f*** them that that is their weight division which is not the case all.

    Plenty of nice guys out there they're just not the guys who can approach you and get you to like them straight away.

    I love how someone who writes such horrible, misogynistic, crass rubbish about women considers himself 'nice'. Just further illustrates the point that 'nice guy' = a man who feels entitled to women's time and attention and insults and degrades women for having the audacity not to be interested.

    Have you ever considered that women can smell this attitude a mile off, and that maybe women are also intelligent human beings who are capable of deciding for themselves who they do and don't want to date? Genuinely nice men don't tend to broadcast how nice they are. Genuinely nice man don't expect to be 'given a chance' by women just for existing. Genuinely nice men don't say things like "they think that because they can get guys to f*** them that that is their weight division".


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  • #91
    Kraftwerk
    Closed Accounts Posts: 472 ✭✭Kraftwerk


    lainey_d_123 wrote: »
    Just further illustrates the point that 'nice guy' = a man who feels entitled to women's time and attention and insults and degrades women for having the audacity not to be interested.

    Is this a competition for who can say the dumbest thing or something?


This discussion has been closed.
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