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Hi all,
Vanilla are planning an update to the site on April 24th (next Wednesday). It is a major PHP8 update which is expected to boost performance across the site. The site will be down from 7pm and it is expected to take about an hour to complete. We appreciate your patience during the update.
Thanks all.

One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

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    #3752
    RichieO
    Registered Users Posts: 320 ✭✭RichieO


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Just a reminder, clocks go forward at the weekend so we'll all have an extra hour indoors


    Are you sure about that?


  • Options
    #3753
    chooseusername
    Registered Users Posts: 3,588 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Just a reminder, clocks go forward at the weekend so we'll all have an extra hour indoors
    RichieO wrote: »
    Are you sure about that?
    The clue is in the thread title!


  • Options
    #3754
    el_gaucho
    Registered Users Posts: 562 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    chooseusername wrote: »
    The clue is in the thread title!

    An hour less actually.


  • Options
    #3755
    chooseusername
    Registered Users Posts: 3,588 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    el_gaucho wrote: »
    An hour less actually.
    Oh dear,
    maybe, just maybe MonkieSocks was making a joke?
    (as an aside, what time was it this time yesterday?)


  • Options
    #3756
    el_gaucho
    Registered Users Posts: 562 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    chooseusername wrote: »
    Oh dear,
    maybe, just maybe MonkieSocks was making a joke?
    (as an aside, what time was it this time yesterday?)

    And maybe, just maybe I knew that but decided to mention it in case anyone was interested.


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  • Options
    #3757
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,651 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    Do you know what funny about that....









    Nothing....


  • Options
    #3758
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,651 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    How do you confuse a builder....


    Put 3 shovels against the wall and tell them to take their pick...


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    #3759
    beauf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,651 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    I hear the Germans have found a way to increase the numbers of available hospital beds.


    ... they've banned towels....


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    #3760
    Ago1960
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 20 ✭Ago1960


    beauf wrote: »
    I hear the Germans have found a way to increase the numbers of available hospital beds.
    ... they've banned towels....
    Not as cruel as the Irish solution of leaving the old to die :eek:


  • Options
    #3761
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    RichieO wrote: »
    Are you sure about that?


    Thought I saw it on Sixty minutes
    220px-60_Minutes.jpg













    Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue

    source.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3762
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    To the person who nicked my spectacles:



    I will look for you I will find you, I've got my contacts...

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3763
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Marry an orphan: You’ll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3764
    el_gaucho
    Registered Users Posts: 562 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Thought I saw it on Sixty minutes

    I knew a guy who was so thick it took him two hours to watch 60 minutes.


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    #3765
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    el_gaucho wrote: »
    I knew a guy who was so thick it took him two hours to watch 60 minutes.


    Ya know what they say " there's one born every minute"........nuts.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3766
    chooseusername
    Registered Users Posts: 3,588 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    got stopped at checkpoint,"where you going?"
    "I'm going for some lavender oil;
    it's essential"


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    #3767
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just got back from Lidl.

    Saw a bloke who was buying loads of Paella Rice, bottles of Tequila, packs of Tacos and loads of Guacamole. I thought to myself, Hispanic buying.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3768
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    God was seen walking around Cork today.

    When questioned by Gardaí on what he was up to he replied “I’m working from home Buoy”

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3769
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just heard that there will be a round of applause for courier and delivery drivers. It will be sometime between 6am and 11pm tomorrow.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3770
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've just had my first Gardaí warning during the shutdown...
    Apparently, if I want to walk around my house naked, I must do it inside

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3771
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a bar.


    Those were the days.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3772
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Going into the supermarket today, a clown held the door open for me!

    I thought to myself!

    What a nice Jester.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3773
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    According to my wife's hairdresser, due to coronavirus we could lose 88% of blondes over the next 12 weeks.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3774
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    “I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?“

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3775
    chooseusername
    Registered Users Posts: 3,588 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    “I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?“
    Do I know what a rhetorical question is!


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    #3776
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What weighs more? A gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

    A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3777
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,218 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Lord Nelson was 5"6
    His statue is 17"4


    That's a horatio of about 3:1
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



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    #3778
    bilbot79
    Registered Users Posts: 1,980 ✭✭✭bilbot79


    Why do Pakistan never win the world cup?

    Cos every time they get a corner they set up a shop!


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    #3779
    chooseusername
    Registered Users Posts: 3,588 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    Why are the Chinese no good at cricket?


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    #3780
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    chooseusername wrote: »
    Why are the Chinese no good at cricket?

    Their Bats suck

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3781
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,351 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Their Bats suck

    No, silly, that's Transylvania. :rolleyes:


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