Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

One-Liner Jokes

1112113115117118189

Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I went to a musical instrument themed costumes party the other night.

    Host: "And what have you come as?"

    Me: "A harp!"

    Host: "Your costume seems a bit small for a harp!"

    Me: "Wait, are you calling me a lyre?"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A man makes a frantic call to his local Maternity Triage team. "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

    "Is this her first child?" the midwife asks.

    "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Leeds United are in talks with a billionaire Sheikh from the Middle East.

    They are discussing a multi million pound takeover deal to get the club back to the premier league.



    Sheikh Anvack has promised to put the freshness back!!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What’s red and sits in a tree?









    A Sanitary Owl.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Why shouldn't you wear Nuclear Underpants?






    Because Chernobyl Fallout

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 3,900 ✭✭✭trashcan


    Do they show the Flintstones in Dubai ?

    No, but Abu Dhabi do.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,170 ✭✭✭Bahanaman


    One day a caveman scribbled on the wall of his house... The rest is history...


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Took my old grandad to see the steam train that came through today.


    Unfortunately, he got a bit too close and it ran over him.




    He was chuffed to bits

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A detective at a murder autopsy asks the coroner if there were any clues on the body. ?

    The coroner replied that the woman had semen in her ear.

    The detective asked what that indicated.

    The coroner replied that she must have heard her murderer coming.?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Bumped into my mate Dave this morning while out for a walk. He's only got one arm, bless him.

    "Alright, Dave" I shouted. "Where are you off to then?"

    He replied "I'm off to change a lightbulb!"

    "Oh, won't that be a little awkward", I said.

    "Not really, I've still got the original receipt, mate."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What has 4 letters, never has 5 but always has 6.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=





  • A guy goes into a bar and orders a whiskey..

    Barman goes "would you like it on the rocks?"..

    Guy replies "No, I'll have it here.."


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,248 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    What has 4 letters, never has 5 but always has 6.

    Took me a while, very good! :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My wife is mad at me, says I have no sense of direction.

    So I packed up all my bags and right.




    shrug.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 3,900 ✭✭✭trashcan


    Took me a while, very good! :D

    I'm embarrassed at how long it took me :o


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,670 ✭✭✭monty_python


    Took me a while, very good! :D

    What's the answer?




  • What's the answer?

    It's part of it anyway


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,248 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    What's the answer?

    How many letters in What, Never and Always? ;)


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A gentleman is unable to book his usual lady from the agency, but they tell him they'll send a lovely substitute.

    They send Agnes who has had a few kids and been around the block a few times.



    They get down to business and he mentions things are a little 'slack'.

    "Ah yes, one of my clients likes me to wear a mini skirt and no knickers.

    He also likes it in the countryside.

    I was climbing a gate when I got caught on some barbed wire."





    "How far across the field were you before you realised?"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A truck loaded up with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the M50 this morning.

    There was no congestion for the next eight hours!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 1,788 ✭✭✭Sebastian Dangerfield


    Joker picks up a vase and smashes it over Batmans head. Batman shouts "T'Pau!"
    Joker: "Dont you mean Kapow?"
    Batman: "No, T'Pau... You had china in your hand"


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My hamster died today.









    Fell asleep at the wheel.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Went to a strange christening yesterday.

    Instead of holy water the priest poured four cans of lager on the child’s head.



    Apparently the baby had been Fostered






    beer2.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 12,696 ✭✭✭✭Dtp1979


    God bless ya. Only for you this thread would be gone long ago


  • Registered Users Posts: 32,877 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    Xerox and Yamaha to merge - new company will make reproductive organs.

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



  • Registered Users Posts: 10,180 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Little boy - Mam , can I lick the bowl ??

    Mum -No, flush it like everyone else !

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Dtp1979 wrote: »
    God bless ya. Only for you this thread would be gone long ago


    :)


    Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy.

    As he nears the top of the ladder, Paddy starts shaking and feeling dizzy.

    He calls down to Murphy: "I think I'll have to go home, Murph. I've gone all giddy and I feel sick".

    Murphy asks: 'Have yer got Vertigo, Paddy?"



    "No", Paddy replies, "I only live round the corner".

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 10,180 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    My little Spanish nephew cant say please !!


    That's poor for four...……

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • Registered Users Posts: 10,180 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    My wife was invited to a hair washing party ……

    She doesn't want to go, but cant think of an excuse ………………..

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A guy is walking through the park one day when he sees another guy sitting on the ground playing chess with a dog.

    He watches the game in amazement for a while, before he says,

    "Wow! That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

    The other guy replies, "Nah, he's not all that smart really.

    I've beaten him three games out of five."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



Advertisement