Boyfriend hasn't said he loves me after 3 years together

Jennwren wrote: »

My question is, is it enough that a person treats you well and never says these 3 words? I feel I want to say it to him again soon - should I?

Only you can answer that question. Some people will say actions speak louder than words and how he treats you is more important than what he says but for me, they're not exclusive states. If I love someone I show it *and* I say it and it's important for me that they do the same.

Personally I think that phrase and its importance is way overrated because we've all been influenced by shows and movies that needed to show a dramatic juncture in a relationship and this was an easy narrative tool they could use. As a result, we've ended up with a generation of people growing up convinced that saying/not saying three words is a 'stage' of a relationship unto itself. I've said those words to people whose names I struggle to remember or who I'd run a mile from if I saw these days (and meant it at the time).

Point is that it's not the huge deal it's made out to be, and people can also have weird hang-ups about saying it. Maybe their idea of love was corrupted when they were young. Maybe they've said it before to people who hurt them and feel scared about putting themselves in that pronounced position of vulnerability. There's a lot of valid reasons why someone may feel uncomfortable or exposed saying it.

As others have said, what's he like otherwise? In his day-to-day treatment of you does he act like he loves you and treat you as such? All of your OP focuses specifically on those three words. The fact that he's said he's not 'ready' to say them yet makes you asking the question, and that's totally fair because it makes it seem tied to you. But have the conversation at least it's never a bad idea to have a "Where are we?" chat. The only reason you wouldn't is because you're worried the answer might come back negative, but even then if that is the case is it worth clinging on to begin with?

It kinda doesn't matter what the status quo or general consensus is about the "I love you" stuff, it's entirely down to what the OP's needs are in a relationship. Some people need it, some people don't but I think the most damaging thing you can do to your own self-esteem is to settle for a relationship that doesn't fit your emotional needs and spend years feeling insecure, unfulfilled and frustrated. This personally wouldn't work for me, and I'm someone that grew up in a household that didn't say it (but I felt it everyday). It's a pretty normal and expected thing to say to the person you invest the most time and energy in.

OP - is this an aspect of his personality that you've gotten used to, i.e he's not very emotionally available or forthcoming, or do you get a healthy amount of affection and emotional reassurance and this is just one aspect that he's never met you on?

bitofabind wrote: »

I think the most damaging thing you can do to your own self-esteem is to settle for a relationship that doesn't fit your emotional needs and spend years feeling insecure, unfulfilled and frustrated.

i completely concur. But her partner is not professor Charles Francis Xavier.
so it is important to discuss how they feel and what their needs are with the partner.

it is one thing if your partner does not meet your needs but does not realise it, and thinks the non verbal communication suffices, EG actions speak louder than words approach.

It is quite another if your partner knowing withholds affection.

Candie wrote: »

If the OP can wait years to hear it, I'm sure he can overcome the discomfort to utter three words for her and I would consider it telling if he didn't.

See there’s a line between ‘unimportant to someone and causes mild discomfort’ and ‘is totally okay saying it’. Someone disliking saying it but showing it in other ways is also a totally valid option. Just as your needs are ‘say it and mean it or it’s a dealbreaker’, their needs are valid too. It’s unfair to expect someone to respect your needs while you disregard theirs as nothing more than ‘discomfort’ that they can suck up to accommodate yours.

There’s no one right or wrong way, but there is compatible and incompatible. I feel you’re being unfair on OP’s partner by implying that he should essentially suck it up and minimising any potential reason he might have for not saying those words. What’s needed here is an open conversation between the two to determine why he’s not saying it. He may love saying it normally but just not feel that strongly about the OP and her gut is correct. He may adore the OP but have an issue with the words himself, and hearing that issue may make the words unnecessary for the OP. But just as the OP should respect her own needs and not try compromise them to keep someone else happy, the exact same thing is true for him. That’s a healthy, equal relationship. If they’re incompatible, they should break up before someone starts throwing out ILYs they’re not comfortable with, that kinda stuff is when a relationship begins to become a house of cards and people get REALLY hurt.

Candie wrote: »

She's waited three years. His way of doing things has been the status quo for three years. When do her needs come first?

So there you’re equating a relationship to more of a battle where one partner’s needs must come first at the other’s expense. He’s had his turn, now it should be hers etc. That’s unhealthy and the house of cards I spoke of.

In reality, their needs should align and sync up so both are happy and get what they want out of the relationship. They should be able to talk about them openly and accommodate easily. You’re not going to get two people who feel the exact same way on every issue but, as you described yourself with your own partner, when you’re compatible it’s easy to accommodate. No taking turns having it either their or your way, nobody needing to make giant sacrifices and left insecure like the OP to accommodate someone else. That’s the healthy way. So just talk it out and see if they’re compatible rather than him having to do a shift of 3 years forcing himself to say something he doesn’t mean for the sake of avoiding that conversation and preserving a possibly incompatible relationship.

That’s not partnership, that’s lunacy. There’s a WORLD of difference between negotiating frequency of sex and trying to pressure your partner to commit at a level they’re not willing to out of a weird sense of duty towards the nature of ‘partnership’.

Why would OP try and do that when the option to just have an open, honest conversation about the subject is right there on the table?! The ONLY possible reason you would is because you’re afraid that that course won’t lead to the answer you want, so you play this roundabout game where you try gaslight them that they NEED to say “I love you” in the name of ‘partnership’ because it’s ‘fair’ and OP has ‘waited long enough’. That might sound nice and logical, but it’s not how any of this works in the real world. In the real world this is the kind of solution that ‘fixers’ who are attracted to bad relationships and projects come up with en route to getting hurt. And personally I’d feel a bit pathetic trying to convince a partner that they had to pretend to mean to say they love me because it wasn’t that big of a deal to them. Meaning it is the part that matters.

You can’t logic someone into loving you, and honestly who wants to be told by their partner that they’re loved because they had to pressure them to say it instead of just asking the question and finding out the truth of the matter (which they will eventually either way)?

OP is he good to you in other ways? Does he include you in wedding invitations and other things or are the arrangements more casual? When you go out do you do what he wants or is he happy to go along with your suggestions some of the time?

Men of a certain age are used to women fawning over them and getting their own way. They often think they can treat women badly as a result. On the other hand women often put up with bad treatment or sell themselves short because they think they can't get better even though they know they deserve better.

Not every man says "I love you" but actions speak louder than words. If he supports you while a family member is sick and hangs in with you when times are tough that means a lot more than 3 little words and no action to back it up.

I think the real question here is does he see this as a serious relationship and do you see him committing further to you down the line (engagement, marriage etc.) if that's what you want?