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22-06-2019, 18:31   #91
lazygal
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It would do my head in if my husband had left the planning up to me and would have set us up for a life time of me doing all the "life planning" in our marriage. Boring stuff which needs to be done like remembering birthdays and planning presents for the kids and a mother's day card and the myriad stuff which so many women end up taking on.
We planned our wedding together. I don't buy the excuses people give about not being detail oriented or not caring once you turn up on the day but the reality is that anything but a registry office basic wedding requires planning and if he and you want more than that he needs to get the finger out. He's an adult, he needs to cop on.
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22-06-2019, 22:26   #92
Nekarsulm
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I find it incredible that men don't mind spending 10s of thousands on something they are indifferent to or don't care about. I never hear them giving about the cost in that context.
Whats their option?
Deny the woman they love their "big day"?
Why would they do that?

Anyway, work the wedding list/guest numbers right and they can reduce the cost from 25 thousand euro to nearer fifteen....
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23-06-2019, 13:30   #93
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Planning ruined the wedding joy for both of us. We were halfway through the process and both absolutely miserable because we realised we're not doing it for ourselves but to please people. I never wanted a white wedding, he didn't care either.
We watched some show one day of people eloping to Vegas and that evening we decided to scrap it all and do this instead.

Got married in March and absolutely no regrets not having anyone, not even the kids with us. We then went on a roadtrip and it was absolutely amazing.
I'm a very organised person and planner by nature but for some reason wedding didn't do it for me. And I realised it is okay.

His input was that we sat down and decided on a photographer together and where to have it. I have planned a few roadtrip routes and we decided which one we'd like the most. That was pretty much it and we were both delighted of how easy we made it for ourselves in the end.
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24-06-2019, 01:04   #94
ginandtonicsky
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What is with this stereotype of women planning their weddings in their heads from when they were small children? I don't know anybody like this.
+1. This is just bizarre to me. I don't know if I'll ever marry, but if I do I certainly won't be re-enacting some childhood fantasy I've played out in my female brain for decades. LOL! It literally has never occurred to me what kind of wedding I'd want, I'd imagine we'd figure it out as a couple rather than me calling all the shots, which sounds like a pain in the arse tbh.

I'd be fairly pissed if my fella was leaving it all down to me too, and of the last say 5 weddings I've been to the groom has been pretty involved in the process as a joint effort. Unless the woman has gone totally nuts bridezilla on him and he's decided to nod and smile along, it'd be a bit sh1t to have a totally uninvolved, complacent fella who just thinks the whole thing is the bride's job to sort out.
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24-06-2019, 18:08   #95
Scarinae
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I can only go from what I've seen, but a majority of women I know have thought about what kind of wedding they would have (big/small/church/registry), what their wedding dress would look like, who their bridesmaids would be, and little details like colour schemes, since at least early adolescence.

And maybe that's because one friend is really into it, so the rest just go along with the discussion.
Nah, I still think that is bullsh1t. Maybe most of us assume that getting married is something we will do someday when we’re grown up, much as we assume that someday we will have a house and a job, but that is not the same thing as planning all the details since we were children. Sure, six-year-old me expected to get married someday, but I also aspired to be a magician.

In my case, if you had asked me as a child what kind of wedding dress I would one day wear I probably would have said something like a Barbie wedding dress. Fashions change; a wedding dress from five years ago wouldn’t necessarily be in fashion now, let alone one from 20-30 years ago. As for knowing who my bridesmaids would be – I am having four bridesmaids, three of whom I didn’t meet until after I had finished school (the other one is my sister). I don’t even know what my colour scheme will be at this stage, just over a year before my wedding, and I certainly didn’t have it planned since childhood/early adolescence.

I think this is just a lazy trope spouted by men who see weddings as ‘women’s stuff’.
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25-06-2019, 10:16   #96
baby and crumble
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I don’t even know what my colour scheme will be at this stage, just over a year before my wedding, and I certainly didn’t have it planned since childhood/early adolescence.

I think this is just a lazy trope spouted by men who see weddings as ‘women’s stuff’.
Agreed. There were two women in our wedding planning, how were we meant to sort it out if we'd both been dreaming of different weddings since we were little kids?

There's stereotypes that happen for a reason, I'll grant you, and overall it does seem like a lot of guys in straight relationships are happy to let their partner take the reins, but part of me wonders if it's moreso because so many (particularly in Ireland) are just used to having the women in their lives organise everything for them?

My best friend basically organised his wedding from start to finish because his wife had zero interest and was working practically 24/7 in the lead up. But his Mam was never one of the Irish mammies who did everything for him and his Dad, they were very much expected to sort themselves out.
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25-06-2019, 10:26   #97
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"all women have it planned in their heads since 6" is certainly a very sweeping statement and worth picking holes in

"the majority of brides care much more than grooms about the minutiae of the event" is something i think most of us have observed to be true, tho?
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25-06-2019, 10:31   #98
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There's stereotypes that happen for a reason, I'll grant you, and overall it does seem like a lot of guys in straight relationships are happy to let their partner take the reins, but part of me wonders if it's moreso because so many (particularly in Ireland) are just used to having the women in their lives organise everything for them?

Wifework/ The mental load. I probably would have spotted it earlier in my relationship had we got married before starting out family. But it became very noticeable after we had a baby. My partner I think, assumed that I would automatically know baby related stuff when in reality, it was on here, mumsnet and other places that I figured it all out (and still do). I probably had the weirdest google search history. Then, because you've proven yourself capable of project management of something like a wedding or newborn, other stuff tends to fall your way too - researching the family holiday, sorting out the back to school stuff, knowing where things are kept in the house.



I had to push back against the assumption of The Mental Load. Mostly by joking but sometimes by getting pissed off. And it worked. That sounds like a contradiction since upthread I've said that I'm doing the wedding planning, but there's a difference between falling into preferred tasks/ roles in your relationship because you like it as opposed to being expected to do XYZ because of gender.
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25-06-2019, 10:47   #99
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Originally Posted by snoopsheep View Post
"all women have it planned in their heads since 6" is certainly a very sweeping statement and worth picking holes in

"the majority of brides care much more than grooms about the minutiae of the event" is something i think most of us have observed to be true, tho?
Yes however, it doesn't mean he can't help with the organization. Its all very well for men to say they don't care, they will care if its crap.


What we are going is both looking up places or things and then deciding between us. Some things are more important to him that I don't really care about, there is a lot of work so its not really fair to leave it up to one person.
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25-06-2019, 11:58   #100
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Wifework/ The mental load. I probably would have spotted it earlier in my relationship had we got married before starting out family. But it became very noticeable after we had a baby. My partner I think, assumed that I would automatically know baby related stuff when in reality, it was on here, mumsnet and other places that I figured it all out (and still do). I probably had the weirdest google search history. Then, because you've proven yourself capable of project management of something like a wedding or newborn, other stuff tends to fall your way too - researching the family holiday, sorting out the back to school stuff, knowing where things are kept in the house.

I had to push back against the assumption of The Mental Load. Mostly by joking but sometimes by getting pissed off. And it worked. That sounds like a contradiction since upthread I've said that I'm doing the wedding planning, but there's a difference between falling into preferred tasks/ roles in your relationship because you like it as opposed to being expected to do XYZ because of gender.
I can relate to this and when I look back at our wedding planning now 8 or 9 years later I can see it starting. While we would have jointly looked at venues, bands, photographers etc - it was me having to instigate it, and left to me to make the final decisions. And that's the way our married life is going - it's left to me to instigate, make decisions, organise school stuff, remind him of his nieces/nephew's birthdays etc.
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