Article: "Having a kid is probably my biggest life regret: ‘Wife concurs’"

fits wrote: »

It’s science ( for 50% at least). https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/pregnancy-causes-lasting-changes-in-a-womans-brain/

Thats not disagreeing with me. I said some.

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

And does coming in insisting that the posters are wrong, that they’re too immature and self-obsessed to have children, not able for the self-sacrifice (they perceive) necessary, that they’re going to regret not having children, that having kids will lead to a better life, count as respecting the spirit of the group, or is it more trampling all over it?

That's for a mod to decide and there a report function for that.

The cycling mod shuts down any anti cycling ranting. That's how it works. If you dislike a posters comments, you can ignore them. The ignore function works really well, if someone is triggering you. It cleans up threads wonderfully. Then you can focus on discussing stuff with the people you want to engage with.

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

I get the impression rightly or wrongly, that many parents envy the freedom and financial choices the "childfree by choice" cohort have. Therefore there is often an emotional backlash from (often) harrassed, financially and time strapped parents trying to justify THEIR choice to have kids.

Possibly or maybe we just have opinion on parents having regrets about having kids. There is this wonderful fact that life doesn't stay the same and personally I think it is more important with how you deal with the situation than what the situation is (not counting really traumatic events) I do think complaining that society or partner made me do it is not fair and weak. And it's especially not fair on the kids who had no say in being born and some weakling blames them for not having the childfree lifestyle.

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

The people I know who are not active in their children's lives or have lost children are not the same as those who have never had children. That is not what I meant.

I would also argue that my friends who had kids in their mid to late 30s were preparing for that for a number of years, they were buying houses and getting ready to ensure their jobs were at a stage that they could comfortably have children. Knowing you will never have kids (in our case certainly) allows us to take career risks, spend money on 'frivolous things' etc. Sure, maybe an oops baby but honestly, I haven't come across anyone who had an oops baby for the first time at this age.

You may not. But the point remains, there's a wide range of experience in life, and most people don't fit into the stereotypes that we all fall into assuming.

There some very obvious stereotypes being thrown around on both sides of the discussion on this thread, that have very little basis in reality.

For example you could be child free but poor. you could have 10 kids and extremely wealthy. You might have one child but very little experience of parenting. you might have no kids, but looked after 5 siblings and have vast parenting experience. You have a child that was dependent on their parent into middle age. you could have a child that left home as soon as they could was fiercely independent. You have found parenting easy, you might have found it impossible. You might have planned it, you might not.

I think everyone should be able to be childfree or, um, ?fruitful by choice.

I reckon in times gone by having kids would have been easier - extended family sharing the load, safer communities and a prevailing attitude of 'go out to play and don't let me see you till dinnertime' took a lot of pressure off parents.

These days, new parents are under the gun from the very start - childcare, babysitters, choosing all the kit and caboodle that goes with a baby, feeding choices and being castigated for whichever choices you make, financial burdens, isolation, substandard soundproofing in apartments and houses, trouble with neighbours over noise etc. - so even if they really believed having kids would be lovely, the lonliness and pressure that some parents will feel is not something they could ever predict going into the process. It's no wonder some feel regret - probably more accurate to say most feel some regret at least sometimes.

But that has nothing to do with vindicating a decision to be childfree by choice. Horses for courses, we all choose to do things differently. Just because I do things one way doesn't mean it's right or wrong, it's just going to be right or wrong for me. You can choose to do what's right (or wrong) for you. It's not one or the other, it's just different. There is risk attached to any major life change and becoming a parent is a big one. There is no guarantee it will suit everyone, a bigger question is how to protect those with no voice that are thrown into the mix.

FWIW I think some people don't realise just how much unsolicited advice is handed down to everyone. There are people who feel completely entitled to tell other people how to live their lives or what decisions they should be making and are not slow to share their opinions loudly and repeatedly. But sure you know what they say about opinions...

eviltwin wrote: »

An if this was a page for people who are unsure about whether to have kids I'd agree with you but its not. Its preaching to the converted.

The forum sets its stall out quite clearly as childfree by choice, not childfree because of circumstances or childfree because I haven't made up my mind yet.

It was a point I raised at the initial request stage that lots of people would have an interest in this forum for various reasons and this article would have slotted in well there but that's not the route the powers that be took. How and ever that's neither here nor there.

I actually didn't realise this forum was so exclusive. I only stunbled upon it after a long hiatus from Boards. It's actually a bit sad that this forum wishes to exclude those who haven't made their mind up or even offer support to those in the early stages of their decsion but the attitude on here makes more sense so thanks for the background.

bubblypop wrote: »

I wouldn't think that at all!
I imagine there could be some good resources for people like yourself, child free holidays and the like.
It may be the case that some patronising posts would not be welcome, but I can't imagine anyone wanting to keep parents out.

Respectfully disagree. One forum for the childfree that parents aren't allowed to post in, doesn't sound excessive. Especially if they behave badly. It's the mod's call, though I'd support a blanket ban on parent's posting here.

And, on a tangential subject, how interesting to me that a parent posts mentioning looking for childfree experiences now that the children have gone and moved out. Guess that being around kids isn't all great fun after all. Why would that be?

Igotadose wrote: »

Respectfully disagree. One forum for the childfree that parents aren't allowed to post in, doesn't sound excessive. Especially if they behave badly. It's the mod's call, though I'd support a blanket ban on parent's posting here.

And, on a tangential subject, how interesting to me that a parent posts mentioning looking for childfree experiences now that the children have gone and moved out. Guess that being around kids isn't all great fun after all. Why would that be?

That's a bit of a stretch to be fair. You've got a real bee in your bonnet about this, I wonder how you are in real life with people who have kids and kids themselves. You must be great fun at family events.