New relationship, overeating

LegacyUser · 21-06-2021 9:36pm #1

Hi all,

So, I met a wonderful man in February and we are in a relationship.
It’s my first real relationship and I love him, even though I haven’t told him but we are very happy together.
Since I met him, we were getting snacks with coffee and lunches out etc every week.
2 years ago, I started a weight loss journey as I was overweight and miserable. I lost 5 stone on my own and during lockdown, I increased my fitness, I’m in the best shape of my life and the lightest I’ve ever been.
I was never very strict but I had a good routine and didn’t have such a sweet tooth.
But he doesn’t have the best diet and eats a lot of carbs and sweet things.
My old eating habits have crept back in and I’m eating crap with him and without him.
I find myself binging and secret eating and the good diet I kept no longer satisfies me and I’m craving non stop.
I never really ate out before either and I’m not used to this.

I’m so happy with him but I’m terrified I will fall back into my old ways, gain the weight back and I’ve noticed I’m so bloated and lethargic. My moods are also out of control. It’s totally down to my bad diet as I recognise my old behaviour…..
I didn’t realise you could binge etc too when you were happy? I was overweight for all of my twenties….

Any advice, I would appreciate it.

Stovepipe · 21-06-2021 10:23pm

Just tell him straight out. If he's so blind not to see or sense your unhappiness. Tell him. It's your health and it's not for messing about with,especially since you have achieved a fantastic weight loss.

YellowLead · 21-06-2021 10:40pm

If you are in a relationship with somebody, you need to be able to tell them stuff like this. It probably just hasn’t crossed his mind! Just tell him you’d like to eat healthier. Maybe suggest some places that do good options.

At the end of the day you will face hurdles like this throughout life when it comes to your weight and you’re not always going to be around people who eat healthily. But if he loves you he’ll probably be more than happy to bear it in mind and help you out by going to healthier places and maybe watching what he eats a little around you. You might inspire him you never know. You guys could exercise together.

But deffo tell him - people aren’t mind readers

Big Bag of Chips · 22-06-2021 7:25am

You are putting his needs and his feelings ahead of your own. You are doing things you are uncomfortable with and that are making you deeply unhappy all to spare his feelings.

That is really not a healthy position in a relationship.

You are equals. His needs (and snacking on junk regularly isn't a need, it's a habit!) aren't more important than yours. You need to speak up. You say he's a wonderful man. Well then he should be equally wonderful about your need to not constantly be snacking on takeaway foods.

You need to be confident in this and speak up. If if turns out he has a problem with what you say then maybe he's not all that wonderful after all.

You should not, ever, have to sacrifice yourself in a relationship. You need to find a relationship that strengthens you and supports you. Speak up and give this fella that chance. If this relationship doesn't fit the bill, move on to allow yourself to find the one that does.

Hannibal_Smith · 22-06-2021 7:27am

You're craving the food because you have a taste for it again. It's the hardest thing, particularly if you are prone to binge eating, to moderate it and eat only bits at a time.

I have to cut it all out in order to behave, it's the only way I can manage it. Like yourself I've slipped recently and it's hard to get back into it. People shared these two pod casts with me, which are a real help the last while

https://open.spotify.com/episode/4aSWekKUVEHbZAN9HcaH2t?si=mDtbS4lMR4y3LfvoLzdqiA&utm_source=copy-link

Podcast

I've set myself a goal of dropping the bad stuff for 3 days and once I succeed at that I'm hoping I'll be on the right road again.

If you feel comfortable enough to share the information with your boyfriend, by all means do so. It'll help no doubt. But I find that it's me I'm doing it for and it's me who chose what I put in my mouth, so it's me the buck stops with.

Terry.. · 22-06-2021 7:32am

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You are putting his needs and his feelings ahead of your own. You are doing things you are uncomfortable with and that are making you deeply unhappy all to spare his feelings.

That is really not a healthy position in a relationship.

You are equals. His needs (and snacking on junk regularly isn't a need, it's a habit!) aren't more important than yours. You need to speak up. You say he's a wonderful man. Well then he should be equally wonderful about your need to not constantly be snacking on takeaway foods.

You need to be confident in this and speak up. If if turns out he has a problem with what you say then maybe he's not all that wonderful after all.

You should not, ever, have to sacrifice yourself in a relationship. You need to find a relationship that strengthens you and supports you. Speak up and give this fella that chance. If this relationship doesn't fit the bill, move on to allow yourself to find the one that does.

I think you're way overtransferring the emphasis onto the male partner

We're talking coffee and snacks here

The OP mostly imo needs to be more assertive themselves and decide whether they'd like a snack when drinking coffee or whether they'd like to go for the coffee and snacks at all

LegacyUser · 22-06-2021 7:44am

I would rarely eat out and if I did, it was once every 2 months kinda thing but every time we meet up, we are getting something.
It’s quite normal what we are doing, being on days out and eating just like everyone else but knowing myself, I can slip and over do it. For example, it started out with just being with him, so you could say it was a once a week treat etc. But now, the overeating and eating rubbish has doubled for me and I’ve started overeating alone, because like someone said above, I got a taste for it again. Something I had nipped in the bud.
I have fallen off the wagon and terrified of gaining weight again.

Big Bag of Chips · 22-06-2021 7:47am

OP, my post wasn't intended to transfer the emphasis to him. It was to point out to you that you don't see yourself as an equal in this relationship. You don't see yourself as able to go against what he suggests.

I agree with the above poster. You need to be assertive. You need to see yourself as his equal rather than his sidekick!

He's only a man. And a wonderful man by your own description. Tell him how you are feeling. It shouldn't be an issue. If it is, then you need to move on.

Have you had much dating experience? Have you been in mutuality respectful relationships?

LegacyUser · 22-06-2021 7:59am

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, my post wasn't intended to transfer the emphasis to him. It was to point out to you that you don't see yourself as an equal in this relationship. You don't see yourself as able to go against what he suggests.

I agree with the above poster. You need to be assertive. You need to see yourself as his equal rather than his sidekick!

He's only a man. And a wonderful man by your own description. Tell him how you are feeling. It shouldn't be an issue. If it is, then you need to move on.

Have you had much dating experience? Have you been in mutuality respectful relationships?

Well, you see, it started out as him suggesting the food type etc but now I find myself suggesting it too so I can’t entirely blame him now.
My friend said she experiences the same thing with her BF.
No relationship experience for the above poster asking. He doesn’t know about my big weight loss either. It’s not really something I talk about in general.. unless someone I knew before asks how I did it etc.

Hannibal_Smith · 22-06-2021 8:03am

Chances are your meals and your exercise is far better now than they were before the weight loss journey. So I would lay a bet you're not comparing like for like.

Don't buy junk food or have it in the house until you're back on track.

I know it's hard but don't beat yourself up. You're punishing yourself with guilt which is not going to help you either.

Big Bag of Chips · 22-06-2021 8:26am

You did it before. You can do it again. It's just now instead of depending solely on you you need to get him on board with supporting you.

You need to tell him that you find yourself eating too much junk and you need to cut back. You don't have to go into specifics at this stage if you're not comfortable. But you do need to speak up.

A relationship should enhance your life. Make you feel good. You felt great before it. Imagine how great you can feel feeling like that again AND being with a wonderful man.

ztoical · 22-06-2021 9:10am

As an initial steps suggest outings that don't revolve around food like a walk/hike/beach trip etc etc. Bring a packed lunch that suits your diet needs to stop unplanned stops for food.

Second sit down and discuss your issues with food with him. If this is going to be a relationship then it needs to be equal and you should be able to discuss things. If you are playing along doing things to please him but that you find damaging for yourself then its not as happy a relationship as you think. Eventually you will grow to resent him and yourself if you continue as is.

Third think about yourself outside of this relationship. You want to be able to go and enjoy yourself regardless of this person without being stressed about food. You say you lost weight OP but how? Did you just do it yourself or did you get a personal trainer/professional advice? I ask because I have also had issues with weight for years and would drop and gain for all of my 20s doing 'diets' but a few years ago I had enough I hired a dietitian and had a real serious discussion about food and lifestyle and made the changes needed to be fit and healthy both physically but more importantly mentally. I don't feel any pressure or panic when out eating with family/friends etc . Some of the wording in your OP is a little worrying about what your relationship with food is.

YellowLead · 22-06-2021 10:00am

Alice27 wrote: »

I would rarely eat out and if I did, it was once every 2 months kinda thing but every time we meet up, we are getting something.
It’s quite normal what we are doing, being on days out and eating just like everyone else but knowing myself, I can slip and over do it. For example, it started out with just being with him, so you could say it was a once a week treat etc. But now, the overeating and eating rubbish has doubled for me and I’ve started overeating alone, because like someone said above, I got a taste for it again. Something I had nipped in the bud.
I have fallen off the wagon and terrified of gaining weight again.

As others have said - you need to tell him about how you are feeling. If you haven’t discussed the fact you have been on your weight loss journey with him, he won’t have a clue. And eating out as you referenced is common when dating - having fish and chips in Howth etc.

If you are not comfortable discussing this with him, ask yourself why.
If it’s to be a proper relationship - and you’ve been dating about 4 months now - you need to be open and honest with each other.

If you are suffering because you are either too afraid to talk about your struggles with food, or you are too afraid he won’t be happy adjusting what you guys eat when together - then there is a whole other issue.

Chances are he will totally support you and be on board, and you will feel relieved you’ve opened up. And if he doesn’t - well he’s not the right guy for you. Either way it has to be done, if you continue down the current path things will only get harder.

farmchoice · 22-06-2021 10:20am

Alice27 wrote: »

Well, you see, it started out as him suggesting the food type etc but now I find myself suggesting it too so I can’t entirely blame him now.
My friend said she experiences the same thing with her BF.
No relationship experience for the above poster asking. He doesn’t know about my big weight loss either. It’s not really something I talk about in general.. unless someone I knew before asks how I did it etc.

now Alice, you know exactly what you have to do because you did it before. being in a relationship has nowt to do with it. you weren't in a relationship when you put on the 5 stone and you weren't in one when you lost it.

i'm the same, ill go great guns for a while then ill slip up and put on a stone or two. the secret is knowing when its time to get back on the straight and narrow. for me its at a one stone gain absolute max 2 stone, and 2 is a very dangerous game, the motivation goes you feel like crap, think you look like crap and its easy to throw your hat at it and the next thing you know its twice or three times that.

so stop the rot ASAP chose the healthier option, drop the chips and the garlic bread, limit the cakes and buns, you know yourself.

mohawk · 22-06-2021 11:56am

Communication is key to a relationship. You have to be able to talk about things that are bothering you. You might find him very supportive of making healthy choices and if he isn’t then you know he isn’t the right guy for you.
When your not around him you have already lost the weight once before so you can do it again just look at what worked last time.

bitofabind · 22-06-2021 1:14pm

I feel for you OP as I can relate to the food issues, and feeling unsafe with eating in a different way to accommodate others' schedules.

However, there's a lot about your post that is unhealthy and worrying. Firstly, the fact that your boyfriend doesn't know about your weight loss. Why? This was clearly a life-changing thing for you, something you should be proud of and sharing with a partner. It would also give him context to your worries and help him to be more mindful around your food habits moving forward.

Secondly, the bingeing. This is quite common when someone has restricted their food over a long period - I struggled with this big-time in my twenties and it all kicked off as a result of a restrictive diet and dramatic weight loss that wasn't healthy or sustainable in my teens. Restricting calories and depriving yourself is a dangerous game and your body will fight back. If you're already getting into a pattern of eating in secret, this is something you need support for asap. Catch it now before it escalates. A trip to the GP or a therapist who specialises with eating disorder is something to consider.

I'd second the suggestion of visiting a dietician. It sounds like your approach to weight loss has been more of an art than a science in "eating less", and a bit of education around meeting your nutritional needs and not depriving yourself may be a good idea.

TheadoreT · 22-06-2021 1:39pm

There's probably never been a better time to eat out healthily than there is now. Chains like Chopped everywhere and even most menus in less healthy places would have a reasonable option.

Speak to him about it, maybe take up some sort of hobby together that involves exercise. I don't think anyone sets out to live unhealthily, it's all just habits and cravings and generally it's much easier to maintain when you can merge healthy lifestyles with your partner.

LegacyUser · 22-06-2021 2:13pm

bitofabind wrote: »

I feel for you OP as I can relate to the food issues, and feeling unsafe with eating in a different way to accommodate others' schedules.

However, there's a lot about your post that is unhealthy and worrying. Firstly, the fact that your boyfriend doesn't know about your weight loss. Why? This was clearly a life-changing thing for you, something you should be proud of and sharing with a partner. It would also give him context to your worries and help him to be more mindful around your food habits moving forward.

Secondly, the bingeing. This is quite common when someone has restricted their food over a long period - I struggled with this big-time in my twenties and it all kicked off as a result of a restrictive diet and dramatic weight loss that wasn't healthy or sustainable in my teens. Restricting calories and depriving yourself is a dangerous game and your body will fight back. If you're already getting into a pattern of eating in secret, this is something you need support for asap. Catch it now before it escalates. A trip to the GP or a therapist who specialises with eating disorder is something to consider.

I'd second the suggestion of visiting a dietician. It sounds like your approach to weight loss has been more of an art than a science in "eating less", and a bit of education around meeting your nutritional needs and not depriving yourself may be a good idea.

Hey,
So, my weight loss - I would of only ever discussed it with my family and close friends. I’ve been quizzed and embarrassed at work by constant questions about it so it’s not something I like to talk about with (that was before I met him) - so it’s not just him but I just don’t talk about it in general.

My weight loss was calorie deficit and exercise.
It works lol
But yes, a dietician is not a bad idea.

Rubberchikken · 22-06-2021 2:24pm

Hi op
It's great that you've achieved a healthy weight and don't want to slip back.
Talk to your oh, suggest healthier alternatives, bring healthy snacks for outings. Maybe this will encourage him to adopt a healthier lifestyle too.
Good luck

YellowLead · 22-06-2021 3:06pm

Alice27 wrote: »

Hey,
So, my weight loss - I would of only ever discussed it with my family and close friends. I’ve been quizzed and embarrassed at work by constant questions about it so it’s not something I like to talk about with (that was before I met him) - so it’s not just him but I just don’t talk about it in general.

My weight loss was calorie deficit and exercise.
It works lol
But yes, a dietician is not a bad idea.

Hi OP,

Totally understand why you aren’t telling just anybody about your weight loss journey. But you have discussed with family and close friends. Shouldn’t your boyfriend fit into the same category as a close friend? Given you have described it as a relationship where you are in love.

He won’t be able to guess otherwise and it’s going to be tricky for you if you don’t open up. I presume you are planning on telling him at some stage - as time goes on you’ll share more and more life stories, and a weight struggle that lasted for your twenties is probably going to come into the conversation.

You don’t even have to go into great detail yet - you can just say that you put a lot of effort into healthy eating over lockdown and you have let it slide in recent months and are starting to feel less energetic. Therefore you want to make healthier choices.

As others have mentioned getting him on board and minimising temptation when you are together is only part of the story. You will also have to dig deep and find that motivation and strength that you found before, while you are still in the early stages of going back down that road.

ztoical · 22-06-2021 3:10pm

Alice27 wrote: »

My weight loss was calorie deficit and exercise.
It works lol
But yes, a dietician is not a bad idea.

Hey OP as I commented earlier in this thread I was in the same boat and took the same approach of counting calories like a mad woman and exercise to loose weight and yeah it worked great until anything popped up to disrepute my routine and I found I would pile weight back on and would have to start again. It wasn't a healthy approach. I also refused to talk to anyone about it, family or friends.

People love to simplify weight loss down to food in/energy out but there is a huge mental side to it and in most cases we spend years if not decades putting weight on and ingraining bad habits and attitudes to food and I found when I went to a dietitian a totally different approach. The initial program was 12 months and at first I struggled cus weight wasn't coming off as quick as it did when I counted calories but the focus was entirely on small changes, ingraining habits and relearning attitudes to food. It's not an instant feel good fix like a fad diet but its more long lasting and means when I find myself traveling in strange places or stressed or anywhere out of my comfort zones I don't feel any worry. If I have an off day and eat some pizza I don't feel guilt, I don't berate myself. I've developed healthy attitude to food rather than a combative one and also became more open about talking to family and friends about it.

I would def consider speaking to a dietitian or a personal trainer with background in weight management. The good ones I've found are the ones who want to work with you and understand your specific life and adapt to suit rather then someone who just gives you a ready made plan and tells you to follow it.

ILoveYourVibes · 22-06-2021 10:22pm

I guess you have to find things you CAN have while out. Or just get the coffee and nothing else.

You guys don't seem to have a lifestyle in common. I notice that can create ....difficulties ...unless you acknowledge your differences in the ways you want to live and you are both ok with that.

That way he can make an effort to find places that you both like to eat in and can both find things you like. Its like dating a veggie and taking them to a barbecue where they can't eat anything.

On your part you have to plan ahead ..ok i will bring an apple in the car ....i will have a coffee nothing else. Or i will find a healthy snack. Plan your experience there.

Good luck and well done on getting healthier during lockdown.

sporina · 22-06-2021 11:01pm

Alice27 wrote: »

Hey,
So, my weight loss - I would of only ever discussed it with my family and close friends. I’ve been quizzed and embarrassed at work by constant questions about it so it’s not something I like to talk about with (that was before I met him) - so it’s not just him but I just don’t talk about it in general.

My weight loss was calorie deficit and exercise.
It works lol
But yes, a dietician is not a bad idea.

Hi OP, well done on the wt loss.. but I think the problem here is deeper than you think.
I echo everything bitofa bind said.. you seem to have a v unhealthy relationship with food.. (your new relationship is just a trigger - not the cause of your current flux).. maybe check out www.bodywhys.com and see if anything resonates with you.. and yes it would be great for you to see a Dietician.
I know a lady who is in her 60's who is still trying to fix her unhealthy relationship with food - she has spent the last 45 yrs yo yo-ing (wt loss/gain, binge/purge, restrict/binge etc) - you don't wanna end up like that.
Food is a v important part of life - its fuel but also a pleasure and so important socially. With your current method of wt loss, there will always be threats to it for you; if its not a new boyfriend it will be work treats/parties, family occasions etc..
And as someone else said, the buck lies with you.. (I am not really sure what role your BF has played in this at all tbh - and I mean that sincerely - if he's happy with what he's eating and not forcing you to eat the same then he's doing no wrong.. and not sure its fair to expect him to change what he eats?). Its your relationship with food and your body. The very best of luck. Life is short - you don't wanna spend it all letting food rule it.

Segotias · 23-06-2021 10:59am

If I'm reading this right and I'm sure I'll be corrected if I'm not, that the issue is not so much what you are eating while out with your boyfriend more the lack of control and bingeing when you are alone.

There seems to be an all or nothing scenario with food.

Most definitely say to your boyfriend that you want to eat a bit healthier when you go out or limit the treats, that is making you feel sluggish etc

But I think you may need to talk to someone about why it leads you to bingeing, while a dietician or PT will tell you what are healthy foods they won't help why you feel the need to binge, this is more along the lines of an ED counsellor

gsi300024v · 23-06-2021 2:51pm

Is it your first relationship in your 30s? It might be stressful for you, we often think it should be all roses and that isn't reality. Also, people will eat to comfort themselves, you might need look at why you overate before.
But yep it can be hard as a couple to watch your food, I find you go for more dinners out, share pints in the pub, get a takeaway etc.

[Deleted User] · 23-06-2021 10:57pm

Alice27 wrote: »

I have fallen off the wagon and terrified of gaining weight again.

You need to think about what food means to you, imo. If you are comfort eating, why is that? If you are snacking, why? are you hungry, bored, etc?

But mostly I wanted to post to say well done on your achievement, be proud of it, take comfort in it, you've done something a lot of people want to do but rarely achieve. Love yourself for all you are, well done.

See a dietician and as suggested elsewhere, suggest activities that don't revolve around food. We live in a beautiful country and it's looking amazing atm, hit the trails and hills together.

galwayhooker · 24-06-2021 12:20am

You just need to be upfront with your boyfriend. I remember my first serious boyfriend, we basically ate out most evenings. I never gained weight but people could see before I saw that I was gaining weight. He never put on a pick. It just wasn’t the food aspect but I gave up on exercise - I used to go to the gym/run most evenings before I met him. We broke up two years later and I had lost my figure and lacking in confidence.
Definitely I have learned that you need to keep your own life/activities especially during the week and not spend all time with boyfriend - not just sit in front of Tv in the evenings. I learned this the hard way when I was in my 20s/early thirties.
Even though am older and single I definitely have learned to make sure you mind yourself like eating right and exercising doesn’t matter if you only after meeting someone or if your are marries years - you feel better mentally.

LegacyUser · 24-06-2021 7:42am

Hi all, thanks for you replies.

Yeah I haven’t necessarily gained weight just yet. I’m still exercising - walking/ running/ gym but you can’t outtrain a bad diet. I feel like crap and bloated/bunged up and moody.
It’s the old me - stuffing my face emotionally.
So I even noticed Tuesday we met up and we were having a laugh and happy. We didn’t eat anything etc. I was driving home and on autopilot, swung by the shop and mindlessly picked up munchies and ate them when I got home. For no reason.
So yes I am finding the experience stressful even though I’m happy. It makes no sense why I’m doing this.

sporina · 24-06-2021 10:46am

Alice27 wrote: »

Hi all, thanks for you replies.

Yeah I haven’t necessarily gained weight just yet. I’m still exercising - walking/ running/ gym but you can’t outtrain a bad diet. I feel like crap and bloated/bunged up and moody.
It’s the old me - stuffing my face emotionally.
So I even noticed Tuesday we met up and we were having a laugh and happy. We didn’t eat anything etc. I was driving home and on autopilot, swung by the shop and mindlessly picked up munchies and ate them when I got home. For no reason.
So yes I am finding the experience stressful even though I’m happy. It makes no sense why I’m doing this.

So your BF has nothing really to do with this... being with him might have just triggered you, but thats about it.. (and there will always be triggers in life when it comes to food but the problem has deeper roots than this)

It sounds like you are using food to cope with emotions - whether they are happy or sad ones.

OP - big hug.. I feel for you.. I strongly suggest you contact your GP and or bodywhys.. I suspect you might have some sort of eating disorder or at least so sort of unhealthy emotional relationship with food.. take care of you and the v best of luck x

LegacyUser · 24-06-2021 3:50pm

Yeah it’s nothing to do with him really. The relationship was a trigger for me emotionally.
But what we do when we meet up for dates is nothing abnormal. I recognise it’s normal to have a 99 or a coffee/lunch out on our date but when we are separate I carry on treating myself and binging. For no reason ! Just stuff my face and I’ve these awful cravings for sweet things I never had before.

bitofabind · 24-06-2021 3:59pm

From what you've said OP, I'd be curious as to how heavily you restricted / exercised during your weight loss phase. In my case, I was a bit of an emotional eater anyway, and combining that with a rigorous exercise schedule and a big reduced calorie intake triggered a lot of dark stuff. I had the "what the hell" binges too, and I was someone that didn't really eat a lot of sweet stuff before. Unsustainable diets are a huge cause of binge eating.

New relationship, overeating

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