I absolutely hate myself

LegacyUser · 03-09-2019 12:14am #1

I'm a regular poster here on Boards but said I'll go anonymous for this. I've been suffering from depression for a while now but in the last year or so its gotten much worse. I have no interest in doing anything I used to love and anything I did love I have no interest in. I'm overweight, wear the same old clothes and don't bother cutting my hair or shaving. I don't see the point. I don't work anymore as I packed it in. I'm a qualified plumber with years of experience around the world and also a phone repair technician. I'm only 32 but feel like a complete failure. I look in the mirror and hate myself. I hate what I am, hate what I feel and hate the way I look. I can't take compliments or anyone saying anything nice about me as I just look at it in a cynical way. I've been to the doctor, on antidepressants and I see a therapist. I feel like nothing is working and there's not much else I can do. I've thought about suicide a lot and the only thing stopping me is the thought of the devastation it would cause my loving parents. I have older brothers who are fit, healthy and have jobs and girlfriends. I'm alone, spend most of my time alone and have become very much introverted. I absolutely hate myself. I'd go out of my way to help other people or even my car but won't bother looking after myself. I feel at 32 I'm a lost cause..

Rubberchikken · 04-09-2019 1:33am

youre definitely not a lost cause.
youve written here what youre feeling and tjats a good start.
you sound like a decent person. now you need support for you yourself to realise that.

keep working with the therapist . things take time to sort through.

in the meantime what about some exercise/fresh air/hobbies? its a good time, September, to start something new - a gym, night class, local soccer, etc.
think of your good points - you have qualifications, and family. im sure you can add more.

take care of yourself.

B0jangles · 04-09-2019 8:53am

Could you go back to your doctor and see about getting your medication reviewed? If nothing else has changed but your mental state has still deteriorated it would seem that whatever you are on is not working or or is losing its efficacy.

God knows, I know how impossible it is to do basically anything when you're in a deep depression but all it'll take is for one thing - a new medication or a different therapy to give you that little starting boost to help you recover, something to break that terrible depressive inertia so you can start moving again.

Best of luck op.

Kidchameleon · 04-09-2019 9:29am

Your not alone OP. Could you perhaps have a think about where you want to be in a couple of years and work towards it? Have you got your own place? You have skills so maybe you could get a deposit together? Would you consider telraveling for a bit? One thing you need to do is start looking after your body. Start getting some exercise and eating healthy, it will help the head out no end

antix80 · 04-09-2019 10:43am

Op, posting on here is probably a positive step.
People hate me recommending Jordan Peterson's 12 rules but it's basically written for people like you. Have a read, if you get anything from it all the better. One of the takeaways is the small bad decisions you take have negative results.. and these negative results compound making your life worse and worse. And by taking small positive steps (e.g. cleaning your room) these positive results will compound until your life becomes better.

So for you, the easiest thing seems to be to bring a strimmer to your beard. I think you should seriously consider making your way into town and getting a shave and a haircut. Then sit down somewhere nice for a light lunch (soup and brown bread-no one feels good shopping for clothes after eating a big feed).. and go in somewhere half decent that has a shop assistant that will help you pick an outfit. Sure, they're not the size you want to be wearing but you need to take things slowly. In another 6 months you might be dropping them off to a charity shop because they're too big for you.

So.. that's something that can be done in one day. It's a small, positive step. It has more chance of making you feel better or more optimistic than doing nothing for another day.

How long have you been seeing your therapist?

Stop moaning ffs · 04-09-2019 10:45am

Look after yourself op.

*thats just my username. Not directed to you.

ManOfMystery · 04-09-2019 12:18pm

OP,

You are absolutely not a lost cause. Every single person on this planet is as valuable as any other. At 32, you are still young and you have a lot to give if you could only recognise it in yourself.

The hardest thing about being in any kind of rut is that first initial step you need to take to get out of that. I'm not saying it's easy, but once you get past that first step you can get some momentum going and start to see improvements.

My advice for your first step - hit the gym. If you can't afford the gym, then just go to the park and google exercises you can do, but I would strongly recommend you try and get to the gym. It will get you out and about, it will get you (hopefully) socialising with some others there, and the endorphins released by physical exercise will trigger positive rather than negative feelings. Combine this with healthy eating and not only will you feel better, but you may see some weight loss which will buoy you on to the next few stages.

Also, you're a skilled tradesman and there is always demand for that kind of role. Did you work for yourself before or someone else? If not for yourself, have you considered going back to plumbing and running things yourself, it can be hard work but the sense of achievement and reward are always worth it - and it helps you keep very focused on things.

lastusername · 08-09-2019 6:54pm

OP, here's a little secret I want to let you in on. There are two 'aspects' to your life, if you want to use that word:

1. Who you are, behind what you might be thinking and feeling

2. Your personal thinking, analysing and judging (that we all get caught in!), and your assessment and thinking about who you are.

The first one is the true you, who is strong and perfect and whole just as you are.

The second one is a judgment you make about yourself, and nothing more. Just because you have certain thoughts and feelings, it doesn't mean they are 'you', or that you need to identify with them. They are just thoughts and feelings, passing through if you let them.

It's ok to have these thoughts and feelings, but they aren't 'you'. When you come to see this, you realise there's nothing to be afraid of.

It's ok if you don't feel like doing much of anything, why should that be such a problem for now? There will soon be a time when you'll start to feel differently. Right now, the reason everything looks bleak is because you don't think you'll ever feel differently, and of course that's not a nice feeling.

But just know that it isn't fixed, it isn't permanent. There is nothing you need to do to feel differently about yourself and there is nothing you need to fix. These thoughts and feelings CAN and WILL pass, if you know you don't have to identify with them and see them as the passing clouds they really are.

I recommend having a quick google of Dr. Amy Johnson and also read Michael Neill's story (they have both have websites but check out their YouTube channels too).

And if you ever feel like a chat, you can send me a PM anytime or just reply here if you prefer (that will help others too as they can see the posts).

You're already all good, healthy and whole. You just can't see it, but you will.

ILoveYourVibes · 08-09-2019 7:02pm

Take something small you do everyday. Like taking care of your clothes etc everyday. Or shaving everyday.

Get a hair cut.

Baby steps.

Make a goal of shaving for the next five days.

whelan2 · 08-09-2019 7:07pm

How long are you on the meds and are they being reviewed regularly?

whelan2 · 08-09-2019 7:09pm

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Take something small you do everyday. Like taking care of your clothes etc everyday. Or shaving everyday.

Get a hair cut.

Baby steps.

Make a goal of shaving for the next five days.

If the op is depressed everything is a struggle, it's very easy looking from the outside in saying to do things. We had months of it here with my sister. Thankfully she is coming out the right side of it now. If we suggested doing something for herself her reply was I would only be doing it to please you not for me. Very hard to watch

Cupp3r · 08-09-2019 7:10pm

I don't want to patronise you in time of crisis, but please read your post here, your highly skilled, employable, travelled, the fact people wanna compliment you shows the person you are.

You have aknowledged where ur struggling. How about tomorrow you push ur self for haircut?

woodchuck · 08-09-2019 7:14pm

Mod note:

@lastusername your offer of PM advice though well meaning, is strictly forbidden in the forum for the reasons outlined in the charter.

The White Wolf · 08-09-2019 7:14pm

You've done more than most have op which you deserve praise for. Is the therapist not helping at all?

I noticed you mentioned your brothers and how well they're getting on. Do you get on well with them? Getting away from the whole family thing might help your situation.

In terms of fitness, I've gotten myself back on track after a year of bad eating, drinking irresponsibly and no exercise; you need to force yourself back into the gym. Even if it's just to do twenty minutes on the bike to start off.

bitofabind · 08-09-2019 8:02pm

How you feel is totally changeable. With therapy I've found that things can get worse before they get better, as you really have to be open to the process and that requires being vulnerable and talking about things you don't want to talk about - which is quite painful. Hang in there, stay open and things will begin to change.

Here's two things you can do tomorrow which will make your life a bit better.

1. When you wake up, get out of bed, get showered and head out the door for a walk. I know you don't want to do any of these things, with every fibre of your being. But fight that voice that is telling you "what's the point", fight it! Let it tell you what it wants to tell you and head out the door anyway.
Create a playlist for yourself on Spotify, download a few podcasts and get out the door. 20 minutes around the block. That's all you have to do. You'll feel a million times better and it will help you to get out of your head every day.

2. Take out a pen and paper. Write down 2 questions.
- What story am I telling myself today?
- What evidence is there to support this story?
For example, today when I woke up I was telling myself that there was no point in getting up because i was just going to be lonely all day and hankering after a guy I had a recent painful dating experience with all day.
The evidence? Well, there was none. I was predicting the outcome of the day with no supporting evidence, which pretty much makes it a conspiracy theory! Don't live your life based on these conspiracy theories we make up about ourselves! We are not useless and doing something active is never pointless - you're a qualified plumber with significant work experience, for one. Don't let some silly thoughts that are based on nothing real dictate your life.

On the weight stuff - are you close to your brothers? How would you feel about asking them to help you out? Maybe you could head to the gym with them a few days a week, or they could help you with an exercise or diet programme.

Weight is weight is weight - totally under your control once you really decide you want to shift it. A few days of good eating and regular exercise and you can feel like a different person.

lastusername · 08-09-2019 8:09pm

woodchuck wrote: »

Mod note:

@lastusername your offer of PM advice though well meaning, is strictly forbidden in the forum for the reasons outlined in the charter.

Oh no worries, thought that actually. Would be better to post publicly regardless for the reason I mentioned anyway.

lastusername · 08-09-2019 9:49pm

I would encourage anyone and everyone, including the OP, to watch Michael Neill and Amy Johnson with an open mind and to let what they are watching to wash over them, not questioning too much - just be curious.

The reason everyone rushes in with well-meaing advice on what to do is because it seems like how we feel is the result of what we do or don't do.

But it's about what you see, not what you do. Which makes sense when you think about it, as otherwise you could just head off to the gym or have a shave and you'd be on your way.

That doesn't mean those things aren't good to do, and if they help, then brilliant. But what leads to change and transformation is what you see, and the insights you have into how we all operate.

It's only ever a thought that tells you you're not ok that can make you feel not ok, if you believe it.

https://www.75fromnow.com/what-causes-your-feelings/

Upforthematch · 08-09-2019 9:54pm

UselessPleb wrote: »

I'm a regular poster here on Boards but said I'll go anonymous for this. I've been suffering from depression for a while now but in the last year or so its gotten much worse. I have no interest in doing anything I used to love and anything I did love I have no interest in. I'm overweight, wear the same old clothes and don't bother cutting my hair or shaving. I don't see the point. I don't work anymore as I packed it in. I'm a qualified plumber with years of experience around the world and also a phone repair technician. I'm only 32 but feel like a complete failure. I look in the mirror and hate myself. I hate what I am, hate what I feel and hate the way I look. I can't take compliments or anyone saying anything nice about me as I just look at it in a cynical way. I've been to the doctor, on antidepressants and I see a therapist. I feel like nothing is working and there's not much else I can do. I've thought about suicide a lot and the only thing stopping me is the thought of the devastation it would cause my loving parents. I have older brothers who are fit, healthy and have jobs and girlfriends. I'm alone, spend most of my time alone and have become very much introverted. I absolutely hate myself. I'd go out of my way to help other people or even my car but won't bother looking after myself. I feel at 32 I'm a lost cause..

Hi Op,

I'm just highlighting two things in your post that stood out for me.

You say yourself... "I'm only 32" remember that fact. Only 32! There's a lot of road ahead!

The other thing you say is 'nothing is working'. That sounds like you are looking for results. Good!

Thoughts follow actions OP. Take action - even a small one - get the positive result, then something will be working.

holyhead · 15-09-2019 12:40am

UselessPleb wrote: »

I'm a regular poster here on Boards but said I'll go anonymous for this. I've been suffering from depression for a while now but in the last year or so its gotten much worse. I have no interest in doing anything I used to love and anything I did love I have no interest in. I'm overweight, wear the same old clothes and don't bother cutting my hair or shaving. I don't see the point. I don't work anymore as I packed it in. I'm a qualified plumber with years of experience around the world and also a phone repair technician. I'm only 32 but feel like a complete failure. I look in the mirror and hate myself. I hate what I am, hate what I feel and hate the way I look. I can't take compliments or anyone saying anything nice about me as I just look at it in a cynical way. I've been to the doctor, on antidepressants and I see a therapist. I feel like nothing is working and there's not much else I can do. I've thought about suicide a lot and the only thing stopping me is the thought of the devastation it would cause my loving parents. I have older brothers who are fit, healthy and have jobs and girlfriends. I'm alone, spend most of my time alone and have become very much introverted. I absolutely hate myself. I'd go out of my way to help other people or even my car but won't bother looking after myself. I feel at 32 I'm a lost cause..

The most worrying thing about your post is you say your alone a lot. I too spend a lot of time on my own but I do have pets so I never feel alone. I do work so spend my work day conversing with people. We are social beings so try and find some way to interact with people.
Spending time alone is very counter productive to the thought process of someone suffering depression in my opinion. Time alone gives your mind time to go around in a vicious circle. Which most likely only deepens the depression. If you make an effort to meet people it should help start to break the feeling of loneliness. It may help you perk up your personal appearance.
Something which might help your sense of feeling a failure is to set yourself a task. Today I'm going to hoover my bedroom. I'm going to clean my bathroom. Accompolishing simple tasks I find gives me a sense of achievement and productivity. You won't feel like doing anything but try!

Take care OP.

I absolutely hate myself

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