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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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Comments

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    #3002
    Sheridan81
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,429 ✭✭✭Sheridan81


    Hey byrner88 I like your jokes, where do you get them?


  • Options
    #3003
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    A long time ago we had Empires run by Emperors
    Then we had Kingdoms run by Kings,
    And now we have Countries.....


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    #3004
    Edgware
    Registered Users Posts: 5,875 ✭✭✭Edgware


    dilallio wrote: »
    My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

    I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
    Our 8 year old kid came home with a castle made from toilet roll cardboard. The wife was all praise until I pointed out my new Nike runners. "Look at that workmanship by an 8 year old in Thailand" I said.


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    #3005
    TheChevron
    Registered Users Posts: 1,065 ✭✭✭TheChevron


    The beach boys walk into a bar.
    Round?
    Round..
    Get a round?
    I'll get a round..


  • Options
    #3006
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    AMATEUR actors, get paid whilst you learn to act by getting a job on Eastenders


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    #3007
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    Never wear Russian Y Fronts.

    Because Chernobyl fall out!


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    #3008
    el_gaucho
    Registered Users Posts: 562 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    Edgware wrote: »
    Our 8 year old kid came home with a castle made from toilet roll cardboard. The wife was all praise until I pointed out my new Nike runners. "Look at that workmanship by an 8 year old in Thailand" I said.

    Did you hear about that eight-year-old in China who weighs 50 kg? His parents said he’s gone so bad now he can barely walk to work.


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    #3009
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    ^^^^

    Meanwhile a woman in India has given birth to a 23 pound baby.

    Doctors say little Sanjeev will be walking six months before his mum.


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    #3010
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    Paid up front for a carpenter to make me a double bed....
    The bast*rd done a bunk!


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    #3011
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    Sheridan81 wrote: »
    Hey byrner88 I like your jokes, where do you get them?

    People send them to me. I'm known for telling the odd joke or two


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    #3012
    nicklauski
    Registered Users Posts: 3,789 ✭✭✭nicklauski


    byrner88 wrote: »
    Never wear Russian Y Fronts.

    Because Chernobyl fall out!

    I can count on one hand the amount of times ive been to Chernobyl.

    Seven.


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    #3013
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    A young guy turns up at a hotel reception:

    "I'd like a single room, please."

    "Certainly, sir," said the receptionist. "With bath or shower?"

    The guy is bit short of cash,

    so he asks, "What's the difference?"

    She says "Well You have to stand in the shower,"


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    #3014
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    Anyone can masterbate under a sheet,but it takes skill to do it without the barber noticing.


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    #3015
    coldfire1x
    Registered Users Posts: 3,353 ✭✭✭coldfire1x


    Wife: "Can you tell me why I found photos of naked women on your phone?"

    Husband: "Because you’re a nosey ****ing twat!"


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    #3016
    GBX
    Registered Users Posts: 11,900 ✭✭✭✭GBX


    I started my new job today.

    My boss handed me a fiver and said, "First things first, I need you to go down to the shops and buy me a glass hammer, a skirting board ladder and a bubble for a spirit level"

    I laughed and said, "Do you really think I'm that stupid"

    He sniggered, "What do you mean"

    I said, "That lot is going to cost more than a fiver"


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    #3017
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    GBX wrote: »
    I started my new job today.

    My boss handed me a fiver and said, "First things first, I need you to go down to the shops and buy me a glass hammer, a skirting board ladder and a bubble for a spirit level"

    I laughed and said, "Do you really think I'm that stupid"

    He sniggered, "What do you mean"

    I said, "That lot is going to cost more than a fiver"


    Yep! :)
    https://uk.banggood.com/5PCS-Transparent-Column-Bubble-Spirit-Bubble-Level-Normal-Measuring-p-973011.html?gmcCountry=IE&currency=EUR&createTmp=1&utm_source=googleshopping&utm_medium=cpc_bgcs&utm_content=garman&utm_campaign=pla-ieg-tools-tool-pc&ad_id=338313631608&gclid=Cj0KCQjw_OzrBRDmARIsAAIdQ_L59Yhe5exTE3NrC6Bn9mPUKZDxgli_azPYefOOhoPbFbkuu98ePDEaAu7NEALw_wcB&cur_warehouse=CN
    https://creelandgow.com/product/handblown-glass-hammer-sculpture/
    https://www.chaseladders.co.uk/new-product-skirting-board-ladder/


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    #3018
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,974 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I'm still going out with that crazy homeless guy who thinks he's Elvis, and he's just nicked my shoes!

    I'm courting a tramp, I can't walk out....


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    #3019
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Argentina is surprisingly cold.

    In fact it's bordering on Chile.


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    #3020
    patmac
    Registered Users Posts: 7,563 ✭✭✭patmac


    A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

    Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

    Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

    In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?


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    #3021
    Oscar1978
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Oscar1978


    patmac wrote: »
    A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

    Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

    Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

    In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

    Jaysus


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    #3022
    Oscar1978
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Oscar1978


    Humans and dolphins are the only species to have sex for pleasure. Do you know how many animals I had sex with to find that out ?


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    #3023
    blinding
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 7,466 ✭✭✭blinding


    Oscar1978 wrote: »
    Jaysus
    It wasn’t Jaysus , it was Joe !


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    #3024
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    So this just happened,
    I witnessed a council road worker squashing an innocent snail with his foot..
    I asked what did he do that for?
    He replied the f*cking thing had been following him around all day!


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    #3025
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The Judge asked me if I thought his duck impression was a good one.



















    I replied “Yes Mallard”


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    #3026
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A couple of dogs were sat in the kitchen chewing the fat.

    First dog “I heard a good joke today”
    Second dog “Go on then”
    First dog “Knock Kno.....
    Second dog leaps up and goes berserk.


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    #3027
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé.

    “Whatever floats your boat”. She said.

    “No” I said, “that’s buoyancy”.


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    #3028
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I was at the Ideal Home Exhibition when one of the exhibitors asked me if I wanted to see a model home.
    I said "Sure, no problem, what time does she finish."


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    #3029
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    "A Yorkshireman gave instructions for the headstone for his recently departed wife. He wanted the words "She was Thine" on the stone.

    "A short time later he was told the headstone had been erected, so he went to the cemetery to check. He was horrified to read "She was Thin."

    "Naturally, he went straight to the monumental masons to complain that they had left the "E" off his wife's headstone. He was assured the matter would be dealt with immediately. A day or so later he returned to the cemetery to view the corrected inscription, only to read:

    "Ee, She was Thin"


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    #3030
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Customs officer: "Father, are you aware that all these bottles in your luggage labelled 'Holy Water' actually contain whisky?"

    Priest: "Saints be praised, another miracle!"


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    #3031
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I popped in to a place called Dan's Cafe for a bite to eat, but was sickened by all the non stop George Michael music and memorabilia, I'm sure it was putting subliminal George Michael lyrics in my head...

    I'm never going to Dan's again


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