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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    Pete the serial flasher was thinking of retiring
    But he's gonna stick it out for another year...


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,537 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Not a lot of people know that Phil Spector had a brother Dustin.

    He was head of quality control at a cleaning company.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,562 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    Just lost my job as a dermatology nurse :(
    They've given me my E45.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,537 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    One sunny day an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’s been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard: “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine looks at the man: “Sir, Mr. Trump no longer is president, and no longer resides here.” The old man says, “Okay,” and walks away.

    The following day, the same man approaches the White House, says to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine again tells the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Trump is no longer president and no longer resides here.” The man thanks him and, again, just walks away.

    The third day, the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U. S. Marine saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine, somewhat irritated at this point, looks hard at the man and says, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Trump. I’ve already told you that Mr. Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

    The old man looks at the Marine: “Oh, I understand, all right. I just love hearing you say it.”

    The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, “See you tomorrow, sir.”


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,938 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Am I the only one to tune in on inauguration day just to see if the new president gets shot?


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  • Posts: 0 Ameer Great Pail


    joeguevara wrote: »
    Am I the only one to tune in on inauguration day just to see if the new president gets shot?
    No, about half of America did the same.


  • Registered Users Posts: 14,279 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    That would only lead to a lot of Harrisment for the population.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,537 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe that?

    Lucky I was still up playing music.

    He banged and shouted, "can we have a little respect please?"
    So I shouted back, "I am not a big Aretha franklin fan but this ones for you".


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,537 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I've raised thousands for Charity.

    She's my favourite stripper.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 424 ✭✭Cerveza


    This post is a joke.


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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,537 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Been great to see Liverpool FC adhering to the coronavirus rules by not celebrating any goals in the last few games. Keep up the good work


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,776 ✭✭✭highgiant1985


    How do you get Pikachu on to a train?

    You pok-em-on!


  • Registered Users Posts: 555 ✭✭✭bobdcow


    How do you wake up Lada Gaga?

    Poke her face!


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,537 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Large crystal ball for sale.

    Only €50, but you will haggle me down and buy it for €35.


  • Posts: 0 Ameer Great Pail


    Large Crystal ball for sale, paid €35 for it,
    Just won lottery so selling on.

    Sold for €20,000! :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,938 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Too bad Anne Frank never watched Home Alone.

    It could have been a real game changer.


  • Registered Users Posts: 605 ✭✭✭upupup


    Large Crystal ball for sale, paid €35 for it,
    Just won lottery so selling on.

    Sold for €20,000! :D

    I hope it was me that bought it.


  • Posts: 0 Ameer Great Pail


    upupup wrote: »
    I hope it was me that bought it.
    It wasn't :pac:
    You got it afterwards when it expired due to planned obsolescence and stopped working!


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,562 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    Last week, I had The Verve around for supper.
    I cooked seafood with lemon and honey.

    It was a bittersweet, shrimp for tea.


  • Posts: 0 Ameer Great Pail


    Apparently Chad, Uganda, Nigeria, Tanzania and Sudan are thinking of creating a federation, but they are having difficulty coming up with an acronym.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 898 ✭✭✭Tazium


    Why do witches wear name tags?

    So they can tell which witch is which :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,000 ✭✭✭mad m


    We are so lucky to still have jobs currently. I had a bloke decorating my house for last three days. I got chatting to him and he is a Ryanair pilot on Furlough. He is decorating now to pay his mortgage, sad times but in fairness he did a great job on the landing.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,875 ✭✭✭Edgware


    Apparently Chad, Uganda, Nigeria, Tanzania and Sudan are thinking of creating a federation, but they are having difficulty coming up with an acronym.
    Same happened when they proposed bringing the Dart to Finglas


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    Rumour has it the vaccine will run out as early as next week.
    Pfizer chiefs said they predict a riot...


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,938 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    RobMc59 wrote: »
    Rumour has it the vaccine will run out as early as next week.
    Pfizer chiefs said they predict a riot...

    Cracker!


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,404 ✭✭✭chewed


    Why can't you hide from an Italian dessert?


    You cannoli run.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    Liverpool once tried to get Yul Brynner
    to advertise their aftershave.

    But Yul never wore cologne.


  • Posts: 0 Ameer Great Pail


    What do you call a room full of hillbillies? A full set of teeth…


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,537 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I don't trust the owls at Machu Picchu. They're all Inca hoots...


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 424 ✭✭Cerveza


    A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral.

    A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.

    “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

    The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

    “Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”


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