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The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,538 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Give me your tired, your poor,
    Your huddled masses yearning to be free
    The wretched refuse of your teeming shore
    This country always needs more Soylent Green


  • Registered Users Posts: 114 ✭✭Sunhill


    Man goes into a chemists'

    "Do you sell deodorant?"
    "Certainly, sir. Ball or Aerosol?"
    "Neither. It's for under my arms."


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Father George was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: ‘Fool’.

    The following Sunday, in church, Father George announced to the assembled congregation, ‘I have known many people who have written letters to me and forgotten to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter.’


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,518 ✭✭✭stefan idiot jones


    Two dyslexic guys up on s ski slope debating how to approach the slalom run.
    One says to the other that you zig and zag down outside the poles.
    The other replies that you zag and zig outside the poles.
    They argued for a while longer when they spotted another man.
    We'll ask that man there to see who is right.
    They approached the man and asked him which one of them was correct.
    The man replied that he didn't know as he was a tobboganist.
    To which they replied 'can we have twenty rothmans and a box of matches please'?


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,756 ✭✭✭richieffff


    podge3 wrote: »

    Damn, should have gone 3 months back in this thread to check


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 984 ✭✭✭Hagar the Nice.


    Tired of dieting every day,no worries from now on.
    Take 1 Aero and crumble it,take 1 Weetabix and do likewise,you now have Aerobix,problem solved.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Little Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
    After the 6th candy bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
    "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
    you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.
    "Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
    The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
    Little Tony answered, "No, he minded his own ****ing business."


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn't wave back...
    So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.


    Drake Bell: In honor of Kim and Kanye's baby 'North West' I will be naming my first son 'Taco'.


  • Registered Users Posts: 74 ✭✭Martonio


    Q) What do you call a man with epilepsy in a bush?


    A) Russell


  • Registered Users Posts: 74 ✭✭Martonio


    Q) What do you call a man with epilepsy in a bush?


    A) Russell


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  • Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    Martonio wrote: »
    Q) What do you call a man with epilepsy in a bush?


    A) Russell

    That joke was so good you told it twice?


  • Registered Users Posts: 416 ✭✭wrmwit


    What have a Christmas tree and a priest got in common?

    Their balls are for decoration!


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,479 ✭✭✭CastingCouch


    Apparantly for every euro a man makes, a woman makes 70 cent.

    That's not fair, why is the man left with 30?


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,518 ✭✭✭stefan idiot jones


    What's the difference between a Priest and acne ?

    At least acne waits until you're thirteen before it comes on your face.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,756 ✭✭✭richieffff


    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her da cursed her.

    Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old ma through?

    The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
    "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

    "OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mam this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for €5 million."

    "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

    Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
    Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
    "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"

    The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.

    A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"

    Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.

    A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.

    The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

    In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"

    Joey says, "To your house!"


  • Registered Users Posts: 74 ✭✭Martonio


    Q) What do you do if your wife is having a seizure in the bath tub?

    A) Throw in your dirty washing and a box of daz.


  • Registered Users Posts: 44,080 ✭✭✭✭Micky Dolenz


    Why do birds fly south for the winter?

    It's too far to walk.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,538 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Martonio wrote: »
    Q) What do you do if your wife is having a seizure in the bath tub?

    A) Throw in your dirty washing and a box of daz.
    I'M REPORTING THIS POST :mad:

    My uncle died that way.




















































    he choked on a sock


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,538 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I heard a sneak preview of Bono's solo album.

    It's got a similar sound to the stuff he's done with U2, only less edgy.





    My French flat mate keeps trying to make me have a bowl of mushrooms every morning for breakfast. He says it's 'the breakfast of champignons'.




    I've invited a girl out for dinner tonight and she said we should go Dutch.

    I said, "What, you want me to go out now to buy a pair of clogs and some tulips."

    She replied, "No, I want you to take me to Amsterdam."






    Nothing says, "We're on the brink of going bust," quite like putting a voucher on Groupon


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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,003 ✭✭✭Busted Flat.


    I'M REPORTING THIS POST :mad:

    My uncle died that way.




















































    he choked on a sock

    Was it the non bio that choked him.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,075 ✭✭✭Wattle


    Why is Ireland's weather Islamic?


    Because it's sometimes Sunni but mostly Shi'ite.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

    Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

    Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

    Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

    Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles to life. "Hey Roadway driver who the two biggest poofs in America are? " comes from the CB.
    The Roadway driver replies. "I don't know ".
    The other trucker says " You and your brother ".
    Well the Roadway driver gets all annoyed but the other driver tells him "Its just a joke - tell it to the next truck you see. "
    Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour an finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says " Hey other truck do you know who the two biggest poofs in the world are? "
    The other trucker says " I don't know who? "
    The roadway driver replies " Me and my brother "


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,732 ✭✭✭el diablo


    Not a well know fact but 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

    We're all in this psy-op together.🤨



  • Registered Users Posts: 5,732 ✭✭✭el diablo


    What would you call Postman Pat after he retires?




    Pat.




    What did the head of the buffalo clan say when his male offspring was leaving?




    Bison.

    We're all in this psy-op together.🤨



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,248 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    el diablo wrote: »
    Not a well know fact but 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

    That's bad, real bad! :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 967 ✭✭✭J Cheever Loophole


    Was worried about my health, so I went for a check up to the doctors.

    He said, "I'm afraid you have hypochondria."

    "Not that as well." I said.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 984 ✭✭✭Hagar the Nice.


    In Tesco earlier with the gf and right out out of the blue she says 'you're one lazy bastard'...well I nearly fell out of the ****in trolley.


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  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,479 ✭✭✭CastingCouch


    That's bad, real bad! :)

    Ah it's a joke.

    Wouldn't it be worse if he was partaking in gang rape?!


This discussion has been closed.
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