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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I was having a **** in my room when my dad walked in
    He said "Brian , if you dont stop **** you'll go blind"
    I said "Dad I'm over here"


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12,045 ✭✭✭✭gramar


    'wow Granddad,102 years old what's your secret?'
    ..'I've never told anyone this but I got it up the ass once'
    '..ah no Granddad, I was only asking about your secret to living so long'


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,881 ✭✭✭✭GBX


    My Uncle gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's always worth investing in a decent set of speakers." he said.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 83 ✭✭fcastle


    Why do black people only have nightmares?

    Because we killed the only 1 with a dream.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,005 ✭✭✭EICVD


    Meath GAA


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  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 83 ✭✭fcastle


    An American goes into a bar in Calgary where there is a robot bartender. The robot says, “What will you have?
    The guy replies, “Whiskey.”
    The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”
    The guy say, “168.”
    The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.

    After the guy leaves and the more he thinks about it, the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back.

    The robot asks, “What’s your drink?”
    The guy answers, “Whiskey.”
    The robot returns with his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”
    The man replies, “100.”
    The robot talks about Nascar, Budweiser, the Lions, and LSU.

    The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in his “experiment” that he decides to try again.

    He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he want to drink.
    The man replies, “Whiskey.”
    The robot brings the drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”
    The man answers, “50.”
    The robot leans in real close and asks, “So . . . are . . . you people . . . still happy . . . with Trump?”


  • Registered Users Posts: 354 ✭✭Microdot


    The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.
    One day he was walking down the high street when he looked into a pub window and noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
    He immediately walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
    "Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
    "Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
    When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

    The Reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, by now her skirt was hiked up to her waist.
    The pub landlord looked over and said, "Now sorr, we won't be having any of that carryon in dis pub."

    The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fluff."
    The landlord nodded and said, "Ah well, I suppose if you're that far in, you might as well finish."


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,538 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    fr336 wrote: »
    Got a load of free condoms I'm flogging, first come first served
    Free ?

    Must be made out of recycled tyres.



    You can get 365 out of one if it's a Goodyear :p


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,581 ✭✭✭Shpudnik


    Free ?

    Must be made out of recycled tyres.



    You can get 365 out of one if it's a Goodyear :p

    What's the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms?


    Ones a Goodyear and the others a great year.


  • Registered Users Posts: 914 ✭✭✭Jakey Rolling


    Mickey Mouse is visiting his attorney.

    "Mr Mouse" says the attorney, " you can't divorce your wife Minnie just on the grounds that she has buck-teeth"

    "No no, that's not what I said!" exclaims Mickey. " I said she was f**king Goofy!"

    100412.2526@compuserve.com



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  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,209 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
    'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
    Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
    Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
    The frog says, 'Sure. I have this' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
    Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
    She finds the manager and says 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000 and he wants to use this as collateral.'
    She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
    The bank manager looks back at her and says, 'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.'


  • Registered Users Posts: 354 ✭✭Microdot


    I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches...but, When you’re 60 who cares?


  • Registered Users Posts: 354 ✭✭Microdot


    A man owns a swishy cocktail bar and is looking to hire a pianist. He gets a bloke in who's got Tourette's, but he can play classics, blues, jazz, "and I ****ing write my own **** stuff as well", he says.

    He plays this really haunting gentle piece.

    "What do you call that?"
    "The smell of my wife's ****. Here's another ****er."
    And it's another great piece of music,

    "That was: my cock's up your arse, now wriggle bitch" And so on.

    He was the best - so good that, reluctantly, the bar owner takes him on but on the condition that he doesn't speak to the customers at all. The waiters will take requests to avoid him talking with them. It works well and trade is up.

    One night the pianist can see a girl facing him in a short skirt and no knickers. After half an hour of looking up seeing that, he gets so horny that he takes a break to have a ****.

    He takes a while - there is no music.

    The bar manager starts looking for him, bashes on the toilet door and says, "Get out there and play now or you don't get paid for tonight."

    So he rushes his ****, goes back and starts playing.

    One of the waiters sees he hasn't zipped up and rushes over.

    "Hey do you know your flies are undone, your cock's hanging out and there's come stains all down your leg?"

    "Know it? I f***ing wrote it!"


  • Registered Users Posts: 354 ✭✭Microdot


    A mum finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her son's bed.

    Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss. "What do you think we should do?" she asks.

    Hubby Says "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"


  • Registered Users Posts: 354 ✭✭Microdot


    An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him


    The waitress asks them for their orders.

    The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
    'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

    The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
    The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

    Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

    'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
    'Same for me,' says the emu.

    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

    The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

    'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

    My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

    'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

    'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
    Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

    The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,881 ✭✭✭✭GBX


    I was standing at the bus stop this morning next to a heavily pregnant woman. I said politely, "When is it due?"
    She smiled and replied, "Nine days."
    I said, "Nine days? **** that, I'll start walking."


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,288 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    I got a tv for my mother-in-law

    It was a good trade


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.

    "This is Amanda"







    His dad jumps up and yells "It's a Fookin Wha"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    MURDER AT TESCO

    Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

    A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a strange, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.

    The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.
    Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

    A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
    However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave
    the premises.
    Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
    The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

    (You're going to hate me for this...)

    'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco

    (Hey, I don't write this stuff!)


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was at University yesterday when a black chap asked me where the coloured printer was.






    I said "It's 2017, you can use any printer you want"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 83 ✭✭fcastle


    You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,056 ✭✭✭Sparks43


    "Doctor, can you cure my insomnia?"

    "Of course. We just have to get rid of the root cause."

    "Won't be easy - the wife's a bit fond of that bloody baby."


  • Posts: 0 Ameer Great Pail


    Screams of passion.

    The Italian said:
    "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for five minutes."

    The Frenchman said:
    "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes."

    The Aussie said
    That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

    The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

    The Aussie replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."


  • Registered Users Posts: 17,469 ✭✭✭✭Mr. CooL ICE


    Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships? So when they go back to port, they can Scandinavian


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 83 ✭✭fcastle


    I feel bad for the homeless guy, but I feel really bad for the homeless guy's dog, because he must be thinking 'Man, this is the longest walk ever.'


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,288 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    What do you do if a Kerryman throws a pin at you?

    Run for your life! He's probably git a grenade between his teeth!


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was walking past Bookies the other day and there was a sign in the window, "Open Sunday: 11-2".












    I thought, I'll 'ave a Tenner on that,

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,209 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighbourhood looking for odd jobs.
    She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
    She replied, "How about $50?"
    The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
    "You're finished already?" he asked.
    "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
    "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porsche; it's a Ferrari."


  • Posts: 0 Ameer Great Pail


    Harry, at 84 years old, aways wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Nick Faldo, so seeing some on sale after
    his round, he bought them.
    He was so delighted with his purchase he decided to wear them home to show his wife.
    Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife ''notice anything different about me'' ?

    Mary at age of 83 looked him over and replied ''nope''

    Frustrated, Harry stormed off to the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked, except for the new golf shoes.
    Again he asked Mary ''notice anything different now?''

    Mary looked up and said inher best deadpan response ''Harry, whats different? It's hanging down to-day,it was hanging down yesterday,
    and it'll be hanging down to-morrow''

    Furiously, Harry yells out ''AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARY?''
    ''Nope, not a clue'' she replied.
    ITS HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES''

    Without missing a beat,old Mary replies '' you shoulda bought a new hat!''


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  • Registered Users Posts: 914 ✭✭✭Jakey Rolling


    Went to see a gay magician yesterday - never been so disappointed.

    No sooner had the act started than he vanished with a "pouff!"

    100412.2526@compuserve.com



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