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28-05-2020, 20:03   #3751
dolanbaker
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The Clyde Tunnels have been closed and why the speed limit has been reduced:

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the Clyde tunnel approach recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Coronavirus. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry".
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28-05-2020, 20:05   #3752
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Although my ex husband and I are divorced, we still live together on our goat farm.

It's important we stay together for the kids.
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28-05-2020, 20:05   #3753
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Although my ex husband and I are divorced, we still live together on our goat farm.

It's important we stay together for the kids.
If I were you I'd hire a nanny.
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28-05-2020, 20:06   #3754
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I entered a competition yesterday to see who had the most prominent veins.

I didn't win, but I came varicose.
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30-05-2020, 18:57   #3755
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IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a pint of ale.
He didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager.
He didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's.
Nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast , Ireland 's finest. He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so ****-faced I could hardly push his pram back home.
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30-05-2020, 21:58   #3756
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A mate called and said, "I've just had a huge fight with the wife. Do you have a spare bed for a few weeks until I find a flat?"

I replied, "I've a sofa, if that's any good."

"Perfect," he said, "you're an absolute legend! I'll send her round in a bit."
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31-05-2020, 09:11   #3757
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The children got very upset when I told them I had put ginger in the curry. They loved that cat.
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31-05-2020, 09:14   #3758
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A woamn was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?"
"Two for 50 pence," answered the vendor.
"How much is just one?" she asked.
"30 pence," answered the vendor.
The woman says "I'll take the other one,"
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31-05-2020, 18:56   #3759
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Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.

Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.

The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.

Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.

The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thingamabob.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'.

And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.

And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'

'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey b*stard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'
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31-05-2020, 20:28   #3760
Deja Boo
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^ you had me at "another bloody big saw thingamabob"
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01-06-2020, 06:50   #3761
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I've named my dog 'Moloko' so if it ever gets lost I know someone will bring it back...
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01-06-2020, 12:22   #3762
Gloomtastic!
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I've named my dog 'Moloko' so if it ever gets lost I know someone will bring it back...
Why?
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01-06-2020, 13:12   #3763
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Unless it's a whoosh for me, this is why.



I loathe that song, FWIW.
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01-06-2020, 17:05   #3764
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Unless it's a whoosh for me, this is why.

...

I loathe that song, FWIW.
So you don't see yourself in that outfit ?
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01-06-2020, 17:18   #3765
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I'm more of a tinfoil hat type of person than a whole tinfoil outfit one.
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