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31-03-2020, 17:55   #16
MissShihTzu
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Originally Posted by numbandnumber View Post
This isn't his first affair, he had one over two years ago, we spent 18 months in counselling, regularly at first then gradually less and less as things got better. I am beyond devastated again, all my hopes and dreams with him gone. We have no kids thankfully but we have a home. I love him and I tried so hard, and he did too to be honest, I just cannot believe I am here again.
I'm sorry but the bolded bits stood out to me. YOU tried hard to make things work. Your man child of a husband DID NOT. This is NOT your fault, and you have to have your wits about you now, and look out for No. 1.

You won't be able to do much at the moment for obvious reasons. But start making plans. I'm not sure this relationship can or should be saved. Would you have a spare room you can move into?

I wish you strength and luck, OP. Hope it works for you!
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31-03-2020, 19:07   #17
Hannibal_Smith
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MOD NOTE

FFVII I've deleted your post as it falls below the standard required here. Please read the Charter before posting in this thread again and bear in mind that posters are asked to offer constructive advice to the OP when posting.
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31-03-2020, 19:27   #18
Lotus Flower
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I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you, OP. You don't deserve that. He saw what this did to you the first time around and did it again. It's nothing to do with you as a person, he's just wired to cheat. We all make mistakes but for him to go and do it all again is just unforgivable.

Please know that it's not you, he will just cheat and cheat and cheat and he doesn't care for the destruction it will cause. I am fuming on your behalf.

Look after yourself, OP. I know it's not easy but in the long run you will be so proud of yourself for not tolerating this. And don't ever feel bad that you gave him a second chance after the first infidelity, you sound like a loving and caring person, it's on him for flinging that back in your face.

You can leave yourself free to meet someone worthy of you, he will always be the same damaged serial cheater.
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31-03-2020, 21:38   #19
shesty
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Sorry, I don't have much to add to the good advice here OP-but just to say I don't think much of the person who shared that information with you -what a horrible way to do it.
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31-03-2020, 21:42   #20
anewme
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Originally Posted by shesty View Post
Sorry, I don't have much to add to the good advice here OP-but just to say I don't think much of the person who shared that information with you -what a horrible way to do it.
This is the crux of it. What a hateful individual. The thinking behind those postcards is to spread positivity.

OP. Put yourself first.

Last edited by anewme; 31-03-2020 at 21:55.
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31-03-2020, 21:55   #21
Joeunreg
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Hi, just giving a similar minded male POV going unreg also..
How is your sex life ? Is he into other things that you do not like and is seeking it elsewhere?
Maybe he feels he has his long term relationship with you and is getting sexual needs met elsewhere.
I feel this is an issue in a lot of situation s where there are affairs but it's rarely addressed as it s shot down immediately. He could be of the view that he loves you and doesn't want to ask you to fulfill certain desires and is trying to keep that separate.
 
31-03-2020, 21:56   #22
marklazarcovic
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Hi, I can't imagine what you're going through. Is there anywhere you can go to for a few weeks, eg. a friend who's off work? It must feel like you're back at square one after his last affair. You need to get to the root of why he's doing this. It comes across that you still love him so much. Do you think he still loves you? You need to confront him over these affairs and warn him that it can never happen again or else you're finished. You need to have more information on what he's doing after work and where he's going. Tell him that he has to earn your trust once more. Make him take you out for dinner and buy you trinkets like earrings and perfume. Try to redecorate your home as a project together so you can reestablish a bond.


everyone,say hi to the husband
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31-03-2020, 22:08   #23
punisher5112
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Originally Posted by shesty View Post
Sorry, I don't have much to add to the good advice here OP-but just to say I don't think much of the person who shared that information with you -what a horrible way to do it.
Maybe but then isn't it better she now knows before a child arrives and it's a bigger mess....
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31-03-2020, 22:31   #24
Neyite
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Originally Posted by Joeunreg View Post
Hi, just giving a similar minded male POV going unreg also..
How is your sex life ? Is he into other things that you do not like and is seeking it elsewhere?
Maybe he feels he has his long term relationship with you and is getting sexual needs met elsewhere.
I feel this is an issue in a lot of situation s where there are affairs but it's rarely addressed as it s shot down immediately. He could be of the view that he loves you and doesn't want to ask you to fulfill certain desires and is trying to keep that separate.
Then he shouldn't have stood up in front of both sides of the family and promise to forsake all others.

It's not about any fetish or kink he might have. This is about cheating and lying to a person knowing that what you are doing will destroy them but doing it anyway.
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31-03-2020, 22:43   #25
Dog day
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Sorry you’re going through this OP. Fear of being alone is totally understandable but ask yourself how much scarier it will be to stay with someone who has clearly shown you he can’t be trusted.

That’s no life.

Don’t spend any time analysing his actions, they’re a reflection of whom he is at his core. Instead focus on yourself & preparing to end this & start a new chapter in your life. It won’t be easy but it’s by far the best option. Stay in touch with friends & family (difficult as that is right now), call trusted confidantes every day.

Wishing you lots of love & luck, you’ll be ok.
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01-04-2020, 00:40   #26
artvanderlay
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Ditch him, take him for all that you can get, and let the world know what a piece of **** he is. His behaviour sickens me. You tried, he didn't: you owe him nothing. Honour yourself, and move on asap. It will be tough, but you will look back one day and thank yourself for having the strength to walk away now.
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01-04-2020, 06:11   #27
ILoveYourVibes
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I am so sorry op. What a horrible time for this to happen.

You must feel so down.


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Originally Posted by numbandnumber View Post

I am 38 and now I am terrified I will be alone,.

I am sorry to have to say this. But you are alone. And you have been about as alone as anyone can be in this marriage probably for years. That is the reality that you have just woken up to. The only way to NOT be alone now for you is to leave him to have a chance at a real honest relationship that you are not alone in. I am sorry if that hurts you but maybe it will give you the courage to get through this.

You will always be alone in this fake relationship.

I agree with other posters. Talk to a professional about all of this before you make any decisions. And maybe even let this corona lockdown thing pass.

Talk to someone. And talk to friends and family.

I'm so sorry.
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01-04-2020, 07:39   #28
Airyfairy12
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You need to get out of this marriage, for the sake of your own self esteem and mental health, you cant go on like this. You gave him a fair chance that last time he was caught, clearly the counselling didnt work and he didnt learn anything from the previous experience. Its no reflection on you and you shouldnt blame yourself for this. A poster suggested that maybe he wasnt getting needs met - whether he was or he wasnt, cheating isnt the way to deal with such issues, it shows a total lack of respect for you and the vows you took and lack of respect for your feelings.
He is entirely responsible for his own behavior. To suggest you are somehow at fault is a total cop out and comes across really entitled, selfish and desperately immature, if he cant take responsibility for his behavior he has bigger problems. Regardless, nothing will change him, he is the way is.

Youre still so young and have so much life ahead of you, think of it like this, you can be 5 years down the road from now still in this relationship, worn down from trust issues and being cheated on constantly or you can be 5 years down the road recovered from the separation and moving on with your life with your dignity and self esteem intact. Your choice.

Can you trust him not to leave you for another woman? Do you really want to be left high and dry by him a few years down the line, kicking yourself for not leaving when you had the chance.
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01-04-2020, 10:05   #29
Keyzer
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Originally Posted by hawley View Post
Hi, I can't imagine what you're going through. Is there anywhere you can go to for a few weeks, eg. a friend who's off work? It must feel like you're back at square one after his last affair. You need to get to the root of why he's doing this. It comes across that you still love him so much. Do you think he still loves you? You need to confront him over these affairs and warn him that it can never happen again or else you're finished. You need to have more information on what he's doing after work and where he's going. Tell him that he has to earn your trust once more. Make him take you out for dinner and buy you trinkets like earrings and perfume. Try to redecorate your home as a project together so you can reestablish a bond.
And while you're at it, cook him a steak and give him a blowjob.

Worst advice I've ever seen.
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01-04-2020, 10:12   #30
splinter65
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Originally Posted by anewme View Post
This is the crux of it. What a hateful individual. The thinking behind those postcards is to spread positivity.

OP. Put yourself first.
He’s probably cheated on the woman he’s cheating on the OP with (if you can follow that) and she’s hurt and angry after being fed a load of lies and has lashed out. Men like this delight in turning woman against woman, it’s part of the misogyny.
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