Husband had an affair

LegacyUser · 31-03-2020 1:02pm #1

I'm going unreg as I post regularly on here. So as the title says he had an affair. I got one of those free An Post postcards in the post and it told me all the details including a name. I confronted him - of course not. I confronted her - of course not. Then, as the days went by, the truth came out.

This isn't his first affair, he had one over two years ago, we spent 18 months in counselling, regularly at first then gradually less and less as things got better. I am beyond devastated again, all my hopes and dreams with him gone. We have no kids thankfully but we have a home. I love him and I tried so hard, and he did too to be honest, I just cannot believe I am here again.

I am 38 and now I am terrified I will be alone, this is scaring me I am not going to lie. Being stuck at home doesn't help, he still goes out to work thank God. I have a good job but everything I had went into this home. I don't know what to do. I am so afraid and feel so broken.

Thelonious Monk · 31-03-2020 1:59pm

You need to ask yourself why you're afraid of being alone when the other option is staying with someone who cheats on you.
I've had some of the best years of my life alone. So you can either stay with this guy and be miserable and feel worthless or get out of the situation and start a new life, you'll get over it eventually, everyone does.

hawley · 31-03-2020 2:04pm

Hi, I can't imagine what you're going through. Is there anywhere you can go to for a few weeks, eg. a friend who's off work? It must feel like you're back at square one after his last affair. You need to get to the root of why he's doing this. It comes across that you still love him so much. Do you think he still loves you? You need to confront him over these affairs and warn him that it can never happen again or else you're finished. You need to have more information on what he's doing after work and where he's going. Tell him that he has to earn your trust once more. Make him take you out for dinner and buy you trinkets like earrings and perfume. Try to redecorate your home as a project together so you can reestablish a bond.

[Deleted User] · 31-03-2020 2:10pm

numbandnumber wrote: »

I'm going unreg as I post regularly on here. So as the title says he had an affair. I got one of those free An Post postcards in the post and it told me all the details including a name. I confronted him - of course not. I confronted her - of course not. Then, as the days went by, the truth came out.

This isn't his first affair, he had one over two years ago, we spent 18 months in counselling, regularly at first then gradually less and less as things got better. I am beyond devastated again, all my hopes and dreams with him gone. We have no kids thankfully but we have a home. I love him and I tried so hard, and he did too to be honest, I just cannot believe I am here again.

I am 38 and now I am terrified I will be alone, this is scaring me I am not going to lie. Being stuck at home doesn't help, he still goes out to work thank God. I have a good job but everything I had went into this home. I don't know what to do. I am so afraid and feel so broken.

You know yourself OP the signs are not good when he is cheating like that. How many others have their been.

Thelonious Monk · 31-03-2020 2:38pm

hawley wrote: »

Hi, I can't imagine what you're going through. Is there anywhere you can go to for a few weeks, eg. a friend who's off work? It must feel like you're back at square one after his last affair. You need to get to the root of why he's doing this. It comes across that you still love him so much. Do you think he still loves you? You need to confront him over these affairs and warn him that it can never happen again or else you're finished. You need to have more information on what he's doing after work and where he's going. Tell him that he has to earn your trust once more. Make him take you out for dinner and buy you trinkets like earrings and perfume. Try to redecorate your home as a project together so you can reestablish a bond.

This advice is so bad it's like you're taking the p*ss

hawley · 31-03-2020 2:45pm

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

This advice is so bad it's like you're taking the p*ss

I don't want to sidetrack this, not sure why you'd say that but it's obvious that the romance has gone out of the marriage and that she doesn't trust him. I'm entitled to give my point of view and am trying to help her.

Loveinapril · 31-03-2020 3:50pm

hawley wrote: »

Make him take you out for dinner and buy you trinkets like earrings and perfume.

You must have a very low opinion of women if you think this can help rebuild a relationship damaged by infidelity.

OP, I really feel for you. You have had your heart broken by this man twice, no one deserves that. He has shown you now who he is so it is your choice on whether to believe that or not. You are worth more than what he is giving you. Please believe me when I say YOU WILL BE OKAY after this.

FFVII · 31-03-2020 3:58pm

Go to solicitor to sort out the house and then off with ya into the great blue yonder and don't think about the pr*ick ever again.

salmocab · 31-03-2020 4:03pm

hawley wrote: »

I don't want to sidetrack this, not sure why you'd say that but it's obvious that the romance has gone out of the marriage and that she doesn't trust him. I'm entitled to give my point of view and am trying to help her.

You think the romance and trust will come back with a bit of DIY and a new bracelet? Poster was right that’s just terrible advice, he’s done it twice and been caught twice he’s not just untrustworthy apparently he’s stupid too. OP needs to sort out moving on getting the most out of what they physically have.

theoldbreed · 31-03-2020 4:22pm

numbandnumber wrote: »

I'm going unreg as I post regularly on here. So as the title says he had an affair. I got one of those free An Post postcards in the post and it told me all the details including a name. I confronted him - of course not. I confronted her - of course not. Then, as the days went by, the truth came out.

This isn't his first affair, he had one over two years ago, we spent 18 months in counselling, regularly at first then gradually less and less as things got better. I am beyond devastated again, all my hopes and dreams with him gone. We have no kids thankfully but we have a home. I love him and I tried so hard, and he did too to be honest, I just cannot believe I am here again.

I am 38 and now I am terrified I will be alone, this is scaring me I am not going to lie. Being stuck at home doesn't help, he still goes out to work thank God. I have a good job but everything I had went into this home. I don't know what to do. I am so afraid and feel so broken.

I have no idea what to advise you I'm so sorry. All I can think is what a nasty way to find out, a postcard ffs.

Neyite · 31-03-2020 4:26pm

Obviously the counselling was a massive waste of your time and effort. I'm guessing you poured your heart and soul into forgiving him, taking on board his critiques of your marriage and twisting yourself inside out trying to fix what he broke. At an enormous personal cost to you.

And how does he repay that? Less than six months after you finish counselling, he goes out and shags someone again. Knowing it would break you again. Knowing that you would be doubly devestated. That the trust is well and truly smashed.

Do you really want to go through all that again? All that soul searching and anguish on your part while he's just biding his time until you stop checking up on him to go out and do it again.

You are worth so much more than him, and this.

Goodigal · 31-03-2020 5:10pm

OP I feel so sorry for you, especially after you putting so much into recovering from the first affair. And I know you love him, but he is not worthy of your love. He is continuing to disrespect you. It's a horrible time to be stuck home and not have somewhere to escape this news. Some counsellors near us are doing online consultations. You might need to talk to a professional first before making some life changing decisions. But I wish you all the best.

punisher5112 · 31-03-2020 5:14pm

Very sorry op but there may be some good out of it, split up for your own sanity, get house sold and move on.....

He will just go at it again.

Best part is no kids as you say yourself so get out and move on, obviously easy to say but you really don't need all that in your life.....

He doesn't love you... Sorry about being blunt.

splinter65 · 31-03-2020 5:38pm

You will love again and laugh again ....but not with him. He doesn’t love you any more and it’s possible he never did.
He has possibly slept with dozens of other women since you got together. You only found out twice. He has no respect for you and no respect for any of these other women. It’s almost misogynistic.
He must be good looking and fun to be with but as you can see now that’s not worth a damn when it comes to a marriage. It means nothing.
If he loved you or even liked you then he wouldn’t deliberately set out to hurt you like this. He went to all the counseling with you and pretended to participate but in the back of his mind he was sneering at the nonsense while nodding and smiling charmingly at all the right places. He was probably having sex with some other woman all the time.
He’s going to come home now and beg your forgiveness and tell you that it was just a little hiccup in his road to redemption. He knows that you love him and, well, it worked before, so why wouldn’t it work again?
Forgive him again OP and spend the rest of your life together in the certain knowledge that if he’s not with you then he’s probably in bed telling some other girl that she’s the best thing that ever happened to him.

eviltwin · 31-03-2020 5:46pm

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I don't blame you giving it a go after the first time. You tried and no doubt poured your heart out to him about how much he hurt you and he still went and did it again.

I don't know what you can salvage from a relationship with someone like that, will you ever trust him again or will you always be waiting for that knock on the door.

I understand your fear of starting over because it's a massive thing to do but you can do it, there's a thread here from a guy who did just that after his wife cheated. His updates show he's in a much better place and moving on with life. You should read it, it might give you comfort and hope.

Whatever happens I hope you don't take on any blame for this or let it affect your self esteem.

MissShihTzu · 31-03-2020 5:55pm

numbandnumber wrote: »

This isn't his first affair, he had one over two years ago, we spent 18 months in counselling, regularly at first then gradually less and less as things got better. I am beyond devastated again, all my hopes and dreams with him gone. We have no kids thankfully but we have a home. I love him and I tried so hard, and he did too to be honest, I just cannot believe I am here again.

I'm sorry but the bolded bits stood out to me. YOU tried hard to make things work. Your man child of a husband DID NOT. This is NOT your fault, and you have to have your wits about you now, and look out for No. 1.

You won't be able to do much at the moment for obvious reasons. But start making plans. I'm not sure this relationship can or should be saved. Would you have a spare room you can move into?

I wish you strength and luck, OP. Hope it works for you!

Hannibal_Smith · 31-03-2020 7:07pm

MOD NOTE

FFVII I've deleted your post as it falls below the standard required here. Please read the Charter before posting in this thread again and bear in mind that posters are asked to offer constructive advice to the OP when posting.

Lotus Flower · 31-03-2020 7:27pm

I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you, OP. You don't deserve that. He saw what this did to you the first time around and did it again. It's nothing to do with you as a person, he's just wired to cheat. We all make mistakes but for him to go and do it all again is just unforgivable.

Please know that it's not you, he will just cheat and cheat and cheat and he doesn't care for the destruction it will cause. I am fuming on your behalf.

Look after yourself, OP. I know it's not easy but in the long run you will be so proud of yourself for not tolerating this. And don't ever feel bad that you gave him a second chance after the first infidelity, you sound like a loving and caring person, it's on him for flinging that back in your face.

You can leave yourself free to meet someone worthy of you, he will always be the same damaged serial cheater.

shesty · 31-03-2020 9:38pm

Sorry, I don't have much to add to the good advice here OP-but just to say I don't think much of the person who shared that information with you -what a horrible way to do it.

anewme · 31-03-2020 9:42pm

shesty wrote: »

Sorry, I don't have much to add to the good advice here OP-but just to say I don't think much of the person who shared that information with you -what a horrible way to do it.

This is the crux of it. What a hateful individual. The thinking behind those postcards is to spread positivity.

OP. Put yourself first.

LegacyUser · 31-03-2020 9:55pm

Hi, just giving a similar minded male POV going unreg also..
How is your sex life ? Is he into other things that you do not like and is seeking it elsewhere?
Maybe he feels he has his long term relationship with you and is getting sexual needs met elsewhere.
I feel this is an issue in a lot of situation s where there are affairs but it's rarely addressed as it s shot down immediately. He could be of the view that he loves you and doesn't want to ask you to fulfill certain desires and is trying to keep that separate.

marklazarcovic · 31-03-2020 9:56pm

hawley wrote: »

Hi, I can't imagine what you're going through. Is there anywhere you can go to for a few weeks, eg. a friend who's off work? It must feel like you're back at square one after his last affair. You need to get to the root of why he's doing this. It comes across that you still love him so much. Do you think he still loves you? You need to confront him over these affairs and warn him that it can never happen again or else you're finished. You need to have more information on what he's doing after work and where he's going. Tell him that he has to earn your trust once more. Make him take you out for dinner and buy you trinkets like earrings and perfume. Try to redecorate your home as a project together so you can reestablish a bond.

everyone,say hi to the husband

punisher5112 · 31-03-2020 10:08pm

shesty wrote: »

Sorry, I don't have much to add to the good advice here OP-but just to say I don't think much of the person who shared that information with you -what a horrible way to do it.

Maybe but then isn't it better she now knows before a child arrives and it's a bigger mess....

Neyite · 31-03-2020 10:31pm

Joeunreg wrote: »

Hi, just giving a similar minded male POV going unreg also..
How is your sex life ? Is he into other things that you do not like and is seeking it elsewhere?
Maybe he feels he has his long term relationship with you and is getting sexual needs met elsewhere.
I feel this is an issue in a lot of situation s where there are affairs but it's rarely addressed as it s shot down immediately. He could be of the view that he loves you and doesn't want to ask you to fulfill certain desires and is trying to keep that separate.

Then he shouldn't have stood up in front of both sides of the family and promise to forsake all others.

It's not about any fetish or kink he might have. This is about cheating and lying to a person knowing that what you are doing will destroy them but doing it anyway.

Dog day · 31-03-2020 10:43pm

Sorry you’re going through this OP. Fear of being alone is totally understandable but ask yourself how much scarier it will be to stay with someone who has clearly shown you he can’t be trusted.

That’s no life.

Don’t spend any time analysing his actions, they’re a reflection of whom he is at his core. Instead focus on yourself & preparing to end this & start a new chapter in your life. It won’t be easy but it’s by far the best option. Stay in touch with friends & family (difficult as that is right now), call trusted confidantes every day.

Wishing you lots of love & luck, you’ll be ok.

artvanderlay · 01-04-2020 12:40am

Ditch him, take him for all that you can get, and let the world know what a piece of **** he is. His behaviour sickens me. You tried, he didn't: you owe him nothing. Honour yourself, and move on asap. It will be tough, but you will look back one day and thank yourself for having the strength to walk away now.

ILoveYourVibes · 01-04-2020 6:11am

I am so sorry op. What a horrible time for this to happen.

You must feel so down.

numbandnumber wrote: »

I am 38 and now I am terrified I will be alone,.

I am sorry to have to say this. But you are alone. And you have been about as alone as anyone can be in this marriage probably for years. That is the reality that you have just woken up to. The only way to NOT be alone now for you is to leave him to have a chance at a real honest relationship that you are not alone in. I am sorry if that hurts you but maybe it will give you the courage to get through this.

You will always be alone in this fake relationship.

I agree with other posters. Talk to a professional about all of this before you make any decisions. And maybe even let this corona lockdown thing pass.

Talk to someone. And talk to friends and family.

I'm so sorry.

Airyfairy12 · 01-04-2020 7:39am

You need to get out of this marriage, for the sake of your own self esteem and mental health, you cant go on like this. You gave him a fair chance that last time he was caught, clearly the counselling didnt work and he didnt learn anything from the previous experience. Its no reflection on you and you shouldnt blame yourself for this. A poster suggested that maybe he wasnt getting needs met - whether he was or he wasnt, cheating isnt the way to deal with such issues, it shows a total lack of respect for you and the vows you took and lack of respect for your feelings.
He is entirely responsible for his own behavior. To suggest you are somehow at fault is a total cop out and comes across really entitled, selfish and desperately immature, if he cant take responsibility for his behavior he has bigger problems. Regardless, nothing will change him, he is the way is.

Youre still so young and have so much life ahead of you, think of it like this, you can be 5 years down the road from now still in this relationship, worn down from trust issues and being cheated on constantly or you can be 5 years down the road recovered from the separation and moving on with your life with your dignity and self esteem intact. Your choice.

Can you trust him not to leave you for another woman? Do you really want to be left high and dry by him a few years down the line, kicking yourself for not leaving when you had the chance.

Keyzer · 01-04-2020 10:05am

hawley wrote: »

Hi, I can't imagine what you're going through. Is there anywhere you can go to for a few weeks, eg. a friend who's off work? It must feel like you're back at square one after his last affair. You need to get to the root of why he's doing this. It comes across that you still love him so much. Do you think he still loves you? You need to confront him over these affairs and warn him that it can never happen again or else you're finished. You need to have more information on what he's doing after work and where he's going. Tell him that he has to earn your trust once more. Make him take you out for dinner and buy you trinkets like earrings and perfume. Try to redecorate your home as a project together so you can reestablish a bond.

And while you're at it, cook him a steak and give him a blowjob.

Worst advice I've ever seen.

splinter65 · 01-04-2020 10:12am

anewme wrote: »

This is the crux of it. What a hateful individual. The thinking behind those postcards is to spread positivity.

OP. Put yourself first.

He’s probably cheated on the woman he’s cheating on the OP with (if you can follow that) and she’s hurt and angry after being fed a load of lies and has lashed out. Men like this delight in turning woman against woman, it’s part of the misogyny.

splinter65 · 01-04-2020 10:15am

hawley wrote: »

Hi, I can't imagine what you're going through. Is there anywhere you can go to for a few weeks, eg. a friend who's off work? It must feel like you're back at square one after his last affair. You need to get to the root of why he's doing this. It comes across that you still love him so much. Do you think he still loves you? You need to confront him over these affairs and warn him that it can never happen again or else you're finished. You need to have more information on what he's doing after work and where he's going. Tell him that he has to earn your trust once more. Make him take you out for dinner and buy you trinkets like earrings and perfume. Try to redecorate your home as a project together so you can reestablish a bond.

Should she try harder to be a better person and more attractive and sexy and lovable too? I mean, it’s actually her fault that he’s looking elsewhere for love, isn’t it?

Husband had an affair

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