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31-03-2020, 13:02   #1
numbandnumber
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Husband had an affair

I'm going unreg as I post regularly on here. So as the title says he had an affair. I got one of those free An Post postcards in the post and it told me all the details including a name. I confronted him - of course not. I confronted her - of course not. Then, as the days went by, the truth came out.

This isn't his first affair, he had one over two years ago, we spent 18 months in counselling, regularly at first then gradually less and less as things got better. I am beyond devastated again, all my hopes and dreams with him gone. We have no kids thankfully but we have a home. I love him and I tried so hard, and he did too to be honest, I just cannot believe I am here again.

I am 38 and now I am terrified I will be alone, this is scaring me I am not going to lie. Being stuck at home doesn't help, he still goes out to work thank God. I have a good job but everything I had went into this home. I don't know what to do. I am so afraid and feel so broken.
 
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31-03-2020, 13:59   #2
Thelonious Monk
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You need to ask yourself why you're afraid of being alone when the other option is staying with someone who cheats on you.
I've had some of the best years of my life alone. So you can either stay with this guy and be miserable and feel worthless or get out of the situation and start a new life, you'll get over it eventually, everyone does.
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31-03-2020, 14:04   #3
hawley
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Hi, I can't imagine what you're going through. Is there anywhere you can go to for a few weeks, eg. a friend who's off work? It must feel like you're back at square one after his last affair. You need to get to the root of why he's doing this. It comes across that you still love him so much. Do you think he still loves you? You need to confront him over these affairs and warn him that it can never happen again or else you're finished. You need to have more information on what he's doing after work and where he's going. Tell him that he has to earn your trust once more. Make him take you out for dinner and buy you trinkets like earrings and perfume. Try to redecorate your home as a project together so you can reestablish a bond.
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31-03-2020, 14:10   #4
Season 2
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Originally Posted by numbandnumber View Post
I'm going unreg as I post regularly on here. So as the title says he had an affair. I got one of those free An Post postcards in the post and it told me all the details including a name. I confronted him - of course not. I confronted her - of course not. Then, as the days went by, the truth came out.

This isn't his first affair, he had one over two years ago, we spent 18 months in counselling, regularly at first then gradually less and less as things got better. I am beyond devastated again, all my hopes and dreams with him gone. We have no kids thankfully but we have a home. I love him and I tried so hard, and he did too to be honest, I just cannot believe I am here again.

I am 38 and now I am terrified I will be alone, this is scaring me I am not going to lie. Being stuck at home doesn't help, he still goes out to work thank God. I have a good job but everything I had went into this home. I don't know what to do. I am so afraid and feel so broken.
You know yourself OP the signs are not good when he is cheating like that. How many others have their been.
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31-03-2020, 14:38   #5
Thelonious Monk
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Originally Posted by hawley View Post
Hi, I can't imagine what you're going through. Is there anywhere you can go to for a few weeks, eg. a friend who's off work? It must feel like you're back at square one after his last affair. You need to get to the root of why he's doing this. It comes across that you still love him so much. Do you think he still loves you? You need to confront him over these affairs and warn him that it can never happen again or else you're finished. You need to have more information on what he's doing after work and where he's going. Tell him that he has to earn your trust once more. Make him take you out for dinner and buy you trinkets like earrings and perfume. Try to redecorate your home as a project together so you can reestablish a bond.
This advice is so bad it's like you're taking the p*ss
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31-03-2020, 14:45   #6
hawley
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Originally Posted by Thelonious Monk View Post
This advice is so bad it's like you're taking the p*ss
I don't want to sidetrack this, not sure why you'd say that but it's obvious that the romance has gone out of the marriage and that she doesn't trust him. I'm entitled to give my point of view and am trying to help her.
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31-03-2020, 15:50   #7
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Make him take you out for dinner and buy you trinkets like earrings and perfume.
You must have a very low opinion of women if you think this can help rebuild a relationship damaged by infidelity.

OP, I really feel for you. You have had your heart broken by this man twice, no one deserves that. He has shown you now who he is so it is your choice on whether to believe that or not. You are worth more than what he is giving you. Please believe me when I say YOU WILL BE OKAY after this.
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31-03-2020, 15:58   #8
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Go to solicitor to sort out the house and then off with ya into the great blue yonder and don't think about the pr*ick ever again.
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31-03-2020, 16:03   #9
salmocab
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I don't want to sidetrack this, not sure why you'd say that but it's obvious that the romance has gone out of the marriage and that she doesn't trust him. I'm entitled to give my point of view and am trying to help her.
You think the romance and trust will come back with a bit of DIY and a new bracelet? Poster was right that’s just terrible advice, he’s done it twice and been caught twice he’s not just untrustworthy apparently he’s stupid too. OP needs to sort out moving on getting the most out of what they physically have.
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31-03-2020, 16:22   #10
theoldbreed
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Originally Posted by numbandnumber View Post
I'm going unreg as I post regularly on here. So as the title says he had an affair. I got one of those free An Post postcards in the post and it told me all the details including a name. I confronted him - of course not. I confronted her - of course not. Then, as the days went by, the truth came out.

This isn't his first affair, he had one over two years ago, we spent 18 months in counselling, regularly at first then gradually less and less as things got better. I am beyond devastated again, all my hopes and dreams with him gone. We have no kids thankfully but we have a home. I love him and I tried so hard, and he did too to be honest, I just cannot believe I am here again.

I am 38 and now I am terrified I will be alone, this is scaring me I am not going to lie. Being stuck at home doesn't help, he still goes out to work thank God. I have a good job but everything I had went into this home. I don't know what to do. I am so afraid and feel so broken.
I have no idea what to advise you I'm so sorry. All I can think is what a nasty way to find out, a postcard ffs.
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31-03-2020, 16:26   #11
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Obviously the counselling was a massive waste of your time and effort. I'm guessing you poured your heart and soul into forgiving him, taking on board his critiques of your marriage and twisting yourself inside out trying to fix what he broke. At an enormous personal cost to you.

And how does he repay that? Less than six months after you finish counselling, he goes out and shags someone again. Knowing it would break you again. Knowing that you would be doubly devestated. That the trust is well and truly smashed.

Do you really want to go through all that again? All that soul searching and anguish on your part while he's just biding his time until you stop checking up on him to go out and do it again.

You are worth so much more than him, and this.
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31-03-2020, 17:10   #12
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OP I feel so sorry for you, especially after you putting so much into recovering from the first affair. And I know you love him, but he is not worthy of your love. He is continuing to disrespect you. It's a horrible time to be stuck home and not have somewhere to escape this news. Some counsellors near us are doing online consultations. You might need to talk to a professional first before making some life changing decisions. But I wish you all the best.
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31-03-2020, 17:14   #13
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Very sorry op but there may be some good out of it, split up for your own sanity, get house sold and move on.....

He will just go at it again.

Best part is no kids as you say yourself so get out and move on, obviously easy to say but you really don't need all that in your life.....

He doesn't love you... Sorry about being blunt.
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31-03-2020, 17:38   #14
splinter65
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You will love again and laugh again ....but not with him. He doesn’t love you any more and it’s possible he never did.
He has possibly slept with dozens of other women since you got together. You only found out twice. He has no respect for you and no respect for any of these other women. It’s almost misogynistic.
He must be good looking and fun to be with but as you can see now that’s not worth a damn when it comes to a marriage. It means nothing.
If he loved you or even liked you then he wouldn’t deliberately set out to hurt you like this. He went to all the counseling with you and pretended to participate but in the back of his mind he was sneering at the nonsense while nodding and smiling charmingly at all the right places. He was probably having sex with some other woman all the time.
He’s going to come home now and beg your forgiveness and tell you that it was just a little hiccup in his road to redemption. He knows that you love him and, well, it worked before, so why wouldn’t it work again?
Forgive him again OP and spend the rest of your life together in the certain knowledge that if he’s not with you then he’s probably in bed telling some other girl that she’s the best thing that ever happened to him.
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31-03-2020, 17:46   #15
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I don't blame you giving it a go after the first time. You tried and no doubt poured your heart out to him about how much he hurt you and he still went and did it again.

I don't know what you can salvage from a relationship with someone like that, will you ever trust him again or will you always be waiting for that knock on the door.

I understand your fear of starting over because it's a massive thing to do but you can do it, there's a thread here from a guy who did just that after his wife cheated. His updates show he's in a much better place and moving on with life. You should read it, it might give you comfort and hope.

Whatever happens I hope you don't take on any blame for this or let it affect your self esteem.
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