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18-01-2018, 01:44   #796
Capt'n Midnight
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My Wife is a real good looker.



No matter where I hide my money, she always finds it.
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18-01-2018, 01:46   #797
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I met a girl from Limerick online and she has stolen my heart. Amongst other things.
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18-01-2018, 09:39   #798
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I went to see the mother in law in London the other day.
She lives in Birmingham but she looks better from London.

Tommy Cooper RIP
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18-01-2018, 18:08   #799
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An Insect Flew into the Kitchen earlier did a few Laps and then Blew up.

I think it was a Jihadi Long Legs
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20-01-2018, 11:51   #800
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Shane walked into the bar and sit on the chair. He says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, “What’s the matter? I think it is too much.”
Shane replies, “I found out my brother is gay and marrying with my best friend.”
The next day Shane comes again to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, “What’s wrong this time?”
Shane answers, “I found out that my son is gay.”
The next day the Shane comes in the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, “Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”
Shane looks up to the bartender and says, “Apparently my wife does.”
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20-01-2018, 14:03   #801
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Jimmy walks into a bar in downtown New York and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, back to the first one, then to the second etc until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "I know you like your beers cold, so why don't you start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. See, I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers.

Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two.
He drinks them in the same way and then orders two more.
The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."

The man looks up and says,
"Oh, my brothers, no they're both fine -- I just promised my wife I'd quit drinking, it's just they haven't"
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20-01-2018, 20:33   #802
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It's funny how my missus sits up all night, waiting for me to come back from the pub..


Just to ask me what time of night is.





Carlsberg does do the perfect wife.

You've just got to drink enough of it.
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20-01-2018, 21:28   #803
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Theresa May has appointed a minister for loneliness.


Shouldn't there be more than one?






Also who do we complain to about there being only one Monopolies Commission ?
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20-01-2018, 23:21   #804
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My girlfriend whispered to me last night that she likes it rough....


So I took her to Limerick.
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20-01-2018, 23:52   #805
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Why did the Mexican take Valium?


For Hispanic attacks.
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20-01-2018, 23:53   #806
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A woman goes into a shop and asks for a maternity Bra.

The assistant asks, "What Bust?".



She says, "The bleedin' Condom!".
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20-01-2018, 23:54   #807
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Over the past week I've burgled nine flats in Limerick.



It feels great to get my stuff back.
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21-01-2018, 00:03   #808
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It's Motown weather

Three degrees






Four, tops
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21-01-2018, 00:16   #809
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When me and my mates go out on the pull, I'm known as "The cat"

It's not because I'm sleek and stealthy, or anything like that, it's that when I turn up the birds scatter.
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21-01-2018, 00:22   #810
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I keep having recurring nightmares about fruit machines.

My wife has been really supportive, she wakes me up with a nudge, and then holds me.
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