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What's the etiquette here??

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,707 ✭✭✭Bobblehats




  • Registered Users Posts: 10,400 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    Slideways wrote: »
    In the interest of science, what sorta time frame are we talking about in the holding on stakes.

    Say for instance you get up and have a Nescafé at 0700 and by 0710, the cosbies are banging on the back door. Is it worth the risk to keep it on the clutch until you get to work at 0800

    Does the issue of commuting using public transport or god forbid a bicycle have any bearing on the issue?

    Good question, S.

    I feel I should put it on record that you should never put yourself in any real “danger”. The last thing you want is to end up crouched behind some bins in a piss soaked lane just dumping on the cold ground and having to use one of your “work” socks as to clean things up.

    I mean, sometimes I’d have been out the door, running late, and by the time I’d get into town I’d have to run into McDonald’s or somewhere with “easy access” facilities. If I didn’t in another 2-3 minutes I'm down that alley or in some concealed doorway. So when you got to go you just go.

    Now, once you get into work, you go to your desk, start up your machine, get “settled” and after about half an hour you go get yourself a cup if tea/coffee. Once you’ve finished that you head for the jacks to claim back that time “owed” to you.

    When it comes to these types of “visits” I can only recommend the handicapped bathroom. It’s more private and you shouldn’t have your senses assaulted too badly. There’ll be no fart “symphonies” or unpleasant grunting. The fact you aren’t actively “engaged” in anything means that if, god forbid, there’s a knock on the door and someone with special needs is waiting you can get out in a calm and easy manner.

    Just remember, people, don’t be a hero. Getting “caught short” could spell the end of your day. I think your work can forgive a few minutes here and there but filling your trousers and missing a day? Well, that’s just careless. Plus, you’d have to factor in the health risks, holding the “over-boiled” load for too long is not good for you. The last thing anyone wants is to be on a first name basis with their colorectal surgeon.

    Well, as you might have gathered I’m still stuck on this 12:30 schedule. Cut back on the fruit, as instructed, and increased the salads and brown bread. Might have to try a “liquid” lunch, see if that shakes things up a little.

    The tide is turning…



  • Registered Users Posts: 456 ✭✭Obrieski


    Second time on the throne today, a productive work environment this afternoon!

    Had to break etiquette rules though folks, not proud of it.

    We only have one bathroom in the office, 3 urinals and 3 cubicles - We rent out one floor of an office block. Was caught short and headed in to the toilet. To my horror, cubicles 1 and 3 were occupied leaving me a dilemma.
    Usually I would head away for a 10 minute stroll but didn’t want to annoy the beast so bad to take the middle cubicle. Worst fears came to fruition when as the digger was tipping the load, a blast of gas passed through which sounded like a mini grenade going off. Sitting here quietly now until the neighbours finish up.

    Strange aul work environment though. Was at one of the urinals earlier when a urinal neighbour (1 & 3 in use, never break urinal rules) and the other lad farting away as he pisses. Not even a sound or apology out of him. Dirty bugger


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 474 ✭✭Former Observer


    Little bit of an error there. Shat out a few pebbles earlier. Heavy yokes that spun around the circumference of the bowl like pinballs before disappearing down the hatch. Satisfactory but not particularly remarkable. I then washed my hands and went to use the hand-dryer. Some nobody from the office was hanging around looking at himself in the mirror so I thought I'd let loose a few trumps as they'd be disguised by the sound of the hand-dyer. Apply some pressure below to squeeze out the flatulence and instead I shoot a hot stream of piss into the front end of my underwear and trousers. Uncomfortable now as I can feel the wet patch and I couldn't exactly start drying it with that absolute waste of oxygen in there admiring himself.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,400 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    Little bit of an error there. Shat out a few pebbles earlier. Heavy yokes that spun around the circumference of the bowl like pinballs before disappearing down the hatch. Satisfactory but not particularly remarkable. I then washed my hands and went to use the hand-dryer. Some nobody from the office was hanging around looking at himself in the mirror so I thought I'd let loose a few trumps as they'd be disguised by the sound of the hand-dyer. Apply some pressure below to squeeze out the flatulence and instead I shoot a hot stream of piss into the front end of my underwear and trousers. Uncomfortable now as I can feel the wet patch and I couldn't exactly start drying it with that absolute waste of oxygen in there admiring himself.

    In south east Asia they’d call that kind of thing “bad karma”, F. Nasty business.

    Nothing worse than rushing a solid slash, give yourself a quick shake, then slip it back in only to feel, more than a few, drops getting loose and running into the boxers and even down the leg of your trousers.

    Hope things pick up for you later, that cold wet patch is never going to be comfortable. Might I suggest three sheets of bog roll slipped into the shorts? Just be sure to give the mickey a rinse later on to ensure that none of the paper “stuck” to you.

    The tide is turning…



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  • Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Some people don't seem to care if they break wind in front of someone else. There's even a minority who take pride in letting one rip in company. I was at a wedding a few years ago, and headed into the jacks to take a piss. I was full of porter at the time, and doing that thing where you pretend your peg is a hose and you're putting out a fire. I was taking my time as well, as I knew I was in danger of pulling a bird who looked like she'd been set on fire and put out with a shovel.

    Anyways, this fella falls in the door of the jacks, and heads to the urinal beside mine. Did that thing where he leans against the wall with one hand, while pissing with another. I 'm not into chitchat, or 'sneak a peek' at the urinals, but couldn't help but notice that it was a very well-known politician from Mayo. He's there pulsing out piss, when what do I hear but this noise coming from him that sounded like someone stepping on a duck. Let a good chuckle go, then said. 'better out than the gable end of a house, I suppose'. He zipped up, let out a 'Gwan Mayo!" and headed out the door without washing his hands. Dirty fúcker.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    Observer, your best bet is to get about 4 panels of toilet roll, fold them over so they are one panel thick. Then grab another 4, do the same. Next, apply pressure using the folded paper either side of the wet patch. Hold for a few seconds, repeat, using more toilet paper. eventually, you will have blotted out most of that nasty wetness.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 474 ✭✭Former Observer


    Lads I've the toilet paper folded in the way described. Wasn't going to bother but it's made a world of difference. Thanks for that.

    Would you believe that rotten weasel was back in the jacks when I went in to source the bog roll. Bent over up on his haunches on the sink peering into the mirror like a greyhound in heat. Sick phuck.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    Lads I've the toilet paper folded in the way described. Wasn't going to bother but it's made a world of difference. Thanks for that.

    Would you believe that rotten weasel was back in the jacks when I went in to source the bog roll. Bent over up on his haunches on the sink peering into the mirror like a greyhound in heat. Sick phuck.

    Best way to dispatch with the vainer is to let loose with a couple of bowel rattlers while standing beside him. Loud and proud, and let him know. "Good Arse" is a reccomended comment. Tell him, "Better out than in", followed up with a slow wink. "Bhudda's revenge" is another nice one to say


  • Registered Users Posts: 456 ✭✭Obrieski


    Some people don't seem to care if they break wind in front of someone else. There's even a minority who take pride in letting one rip in company. I was at a wedding a few years ago, and headed into the jacks to take a piss. I was full of porter at the time, and doing that thing where you pretend your peg is a hose and you're putting out a fire. I was taking my time as well, as I knew I was in danger of pulling a bird who looked like she'd been set on fire and put out with a shovel.

    Anyways, this fella falls in the door of the jacks, and heads to the urinal beside mine. Did that thing where he leans against the wall with one hand, while pissing with another. I 'm not into chitchat, or 'sneak a peek' at the urinals, but couldn't help but notice that it was a very well-known politician from Mayo. He's there pulsing out piss, when what do I hear but this noise coming from him that sounded like someone stepping on a duck. Let a good chuckle go, then said. 'better out than the gable end of a house, I suppose'. He zipped up, let out a 'Gwan Mayo!" and headed out the door without washing his hands. Dirty fúcker.

    Very noble of you JF at that point of the night.
    Haven't got that willpower myself at such a crucial stage of proceedings...the ol' "Half 2, you'll do" excuse has been used on more than one occasion


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  • Registered Users Posts: 11,459 ✭✭✭✭Ush1


    Christ almighty the bang off the jax in work when I walked in.

    I knew something was up, I strolled in for a slash and noticed a thin, weedy looking fella at the urinals slightly wincing and dry heaving. I then looked towards the paper hand towels were there was this huge big fat fella with a big beard, his gut was exploding out of the lower part of his tucked in shirt, looking at the skinny fella with a smile like a Cheshire cat as he was slowly drying his sausage fingers and beef burger palms.

    No Sherlock Holmes needed to figure out who fumigated the place. Mother of God though, nostril hairs singed off me by the tubby boll*cks.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 474 ✭✭Former Observer


    Ush1 wrote: »
    Christ almighty the bang off the jax in work when I walked in.

    Don’t be too quick to judge Mr. U

    My own observations are that a big man will rarely spend more time than he needs in the bathroom. His deposit will be a bigger, healthier, meatier offering, but it’s the smaller man I’d be more watchful of.

    The larger men in my office tend to be more ponderous, and I’ve noticed they tend to leave the toilets cleaner. Their metabolism is burning at a different rate and I reckon they take their time at what they're doing and clean up well after themselves.

    In my own place of work the toilets are overrun with runts. Foul pint sized cretins more cockroach than human being. It’s all grey slacks, Lacoste tshirts, baldy heads and dirty unwashed hands. They all seem to leave thin, dark, mean looking turds attached to the toilet bowls like limpets and stinking pistachio coloured stains on the back of the seats. Absolute vermin.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    In my own place of work the toilets are overrun with runts. Foul pint sized cretins more cockroach than human being. It’s all grey slacks, Lacoste tshirts, baldy heads and dirty unwashed hands. They all seem to leave thin, dark, mean looking turds attached to the toilet bowls like limpets and stinking pistachio coloured stains on the back of the seats. Absolute vermin.


    Any hints as to the industry, FO? Civil servant facilities are know for being cesspits due to the drinking culture and heavily subsidised fried breakfasts. But they tend to wear suits. Guessing something like pharmaceutical sales.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 474 ✭✭Former Observer


    Any hints as to the industry, FO?


    Employees of The State but mostly outsdoorsmen. As you said, chips, beans, bacon and eggs for breakfast at three Euro a plate, then straight into the jacks to unload last night's porter. Droplets of piss all over the seat, little brown shavings of toilet paper all over the floor, and very often you see 'hangers on'. A piece of chite or a streak of chite clinging to the furthermost side of the toilet seat. Also globs of mucus in the sink and flecks of scum on the mirror.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,871 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Employees of The State but mostly outsdoorsmen. As you said, chips, beans, bacon and eggs for breakfast at three Euro a plate, then straight into the jacks to unload last night's porter. Droplets of piss all over the seat, little brown shavings of toilet paper all over the floor, and very often you see 'hangers on'. A piece of chite or a streak of chite clinging to the furthermost side of the toilet seat. Also globs of mucus in the sink and flecks of scum on the mirror.

    Good call FO, usually climb out of a van with some tabloid newspaper under their arms and a tab dangling from their gobs, proceed to the public convenience and back out a cargo of the vilest shyte you will ever see.

    Set of slate grey Dunnes jocks well ‘plastered ‘ will be pulled up to snuggle against a hoop like the top of a YR sauce bottle.

    Filthy kernts.


  • Registered Users Posts: 89 ✭✭safeasparagus


    Still recovering from quite a traumatic experience in Tuesday only coming around now.

    Anyway , had a GAA match last night , had my usual deposit around 9am that morning , as usual slipped out without much fuss , a no 3 in the Bristol stool chart id say , only thing out of the ordinary was Bill from accounts who , 2 traps down sounded like he was giving birth to a calf .

    Moving onto Wednesday evening , slip out of work early to beat Dublin traffic , away game so not my usual surroundings , usual food and water all day . At halftime I felt a rumble in the guts , didn’t think much of it , but how wrong was I ! A few mins later and chaos , hot & sharp puffs of air , my marker even asked if I had shat myself. The hum off them would rival the monkey enclosure in Dublin Zoo

    Something bad was happening , scoot off after the game , burst open the jacks (it’s in the dressing room) no water or jacks roll !! Nope , nada , the place is dryer then gandi’s flip flop At this stage my ring piece is throbbing like an emergency switch , absolute chaos , couldn’t even have a shower as was afraid my bowels would erupt like an Icelandic volcano.

    Into the car , still letting off pungent gas (it was so bad even Siri stopped talking to me) burned out of there . 2 mins into the journey all stopped , gas , the pressure , all gone or so I thought !!! Another few mins later , back with a vengeance and in real danger of not making it home !!! All thoughts ran through my head , where will I chite ??? I’m still in full gaa gear , running red lights like OJ back in ‘93 . I thought of just doing it in the car , my gear bag , a boozer , the plastic bag technique. I even seen 2 Gardai and was tempted to stop and ask if I could borrow their hat !!!!

    Made it home , ran to the jacks , barely had the kecks down and whooooah , absolute liquid pish . It felt good , like an orgasm for the ring piece . Pure curry sauce it looked like I can’t describe the pong parmasan cheese and sour milk with a few peanuts thrown in . I’d literally say ET’s arsehole smelled better .

    Wiping was a chore , took an age but I did finish up with 2 baby wipes with aloe Vera !!! Still feeling the effects now , mind you my balloon knot no longer resembles a Heinz Ketchup bottle (the glass one)

    Never be caught short !! My shorts & kecks have been thrown out.

    Be careful out there people !


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,658 ✭✭✭policarp


    What a load of fertiliser.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,810 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    Still recovering from quite a traumatic experience in Tuesday only coming around now.

    Anyway , had a GAA match last night , had my usual deposit around 9am that morning , as usual slipped out without much fuss , a no 3 in the Bristol stool chart id say , only thing out of the ordinary was Bill from accounts who , 2 traps down sounded like he was giving birth to a calf .

    Moving onto Wednesday evening , slip out of work early to beat Dublin traffic , away game so not my usual surroundings , usual food and water all day . At halftime I felt a rumble in the guts , didn’t think much of it , but how wrong was I ! A few mins later and chaos , hot & sharp puffs of air , my marker even asked if I had shat myself. The hum off them would rival the monkey enclosure in Dublin Zoo

    Something bad was happening , scoot off after the game , burst open the jacks (it’s in the dressing room) no water or jacks roll !! Nope , nada , the place is dryer then gandi’s flip flop At this stage my ring piece is throbbing like an emergency switch , absolute chaos , couldn’t even have a shower as was afraid my bowels would erupt like an Icelandic volcano.

    Into the car , still letting off pungent gas (it was so bad even Siri stopped talking to me) burned out of there . 2 mins into the journey all stopped , gas , the pressure , all gone or so I thought !!! Another few mins later , back with a vengeance and in real danger of not making it home !!! All thoughts ran through my head , where will I chite ??? I’m still in full gaa gear , running red lights like OJ back in ‘93 . I thought of just doing it in the car , my gear bag , a boozer , the plastic bag technique. I even seen 2 Gardai and was tempted to stop and ask if I could borrow their hat !!!!

    Made it home , ran to the jacks , barely had the kecks down and whooooah , absolute liquid pish . It felt good , like an orgasm for the ring piece . Pure curry sauce it looked like I can’t describe the pong parmasan cheese and sour milk with a few peanuts thrown in . I’d literally say ET’s arsehole smelled better .

    Wiping was a chore , took an age but I did finish up with 2 baby wipes with aloe Vera !!! Still feeling the effects now , mind you my balloon knot no longer resembles a Heinz Ketchup bottle (the glass one)

    Never be caught short !! My shorts & kecks have been thrown out.

    Be careful out there people !
    OJ case was '95...
    ;)


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,810 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    Jaysus, I work in a warmer clime and with the ladies wearing less clothes I'm going around with a horn on me that you could herd bullocks into a shed with!

    It's ruining my morning chites at work !!
    Before this mornings delivery I had to have a sneaky Tom Hank just so the ****er would hang downwards ....

    Jaysus!

    HR girl giving me the eye doesn't help either, I'm thinking she is looking for an affair .... f*ck that!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,660 ✭✭✭armaghlad


    gerrybbadd wrote: »
    Oh you're one of "them" are you? I'd say the jocks are well skidded up by the time you get home.

    The only time I drop off a warhead at home is at the weekends. No "refusing" to train my body. It's set like clockwork to go off at 10am, right after the first coffee in work has been consumed.
    And proud. And my cks are cleaner than a whistle.

    It’s just I’d rather not inhale other people’s airborne faecal matter. Or be present in the same room as someone I know moans and groans while they empty the liquid contents of their bowels. I know most on here are not phased by such thoughts, in fact most seem to have some strange kink to being in such surroundings.

    I on the other hand only enter the jacks in work to drain the lizard


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  • Registered Users Posts: 11,459 ✭✭✭✭Ush1


    Don’t be too quick to judge Mr. U

    My own observations are that a big man will rarely spend more time than he needs in the bathroom. His deposit will be a bigger, healthier, meatier offering, but it’s the smaller man I’d be more watchful of.

    The larger men in my office tend to be more ponderous, and I’ve noticed they tend to leave the toilets cleaner. Their metabolism is burning at a different rate and I reckon they take their time at what they're doing and clean up well after themselves.

    In my own place of work the toilets are overrun with runts. Foul pint sized cretins more cockroach than human being. It’s all grey slacks, Lacoste tshirts, baldy heads and dirty unwashed hands. They all seem to leave thin, dark, mean looking turds attached to the toilet bowls like limpets and stinking pistachio coloured stains on the back of the seats. Absolute vermin.

    I didn't make any inference on the big lads hygiene, he was washing his hands after all but he did look like a sweaty kernt.

    I could tell what was in the post was his delivery from the very slow hand washing and delight on his face watching all around him gasp out there mouth as they resisted breathing through their nose. It's like when a serial killer returns to the scene of his crime and watches as people have anguished expressions on their faces.

    This is a large communal jacks which you expect to have a "base level" of fent, ya know it smells bad but it's a low level hum. This stench rose above the background noise and screamed into your nostrils, an almost vinegary aggression about it. In fairness I think I'd be a happy man if I had produced it.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 474 ✭✭Former Observer


    Jaysus, I work in a warmer clime and with the ladies wearing less clothes

    For work time **** you can roll a few pieces of toilet paper together and use them to fish out any silver snakes clinging to the bowl.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    armaghlad wrote: »
    And proud. And my cks are cleaner than a whistle.

    It’s just I’d rather not inhale other people’s airborne faecal matter. Or be present in the same room as someone I know moans and groans while they empty the liquid contents of their bowels. I know most on here are not phased by such thoughts, in fact most seem to have some strange kink to being in such surroundings.

    I on the other hand only enter the jacks in work to drain the lizard

    You seem to have missed the point of the thread.

    Its all about those that make their presence felt while you are in the trap, hoping and wishing for some privacy.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Happy birthday, Pintman!! Heard your wife is gone away for the weekend, so keep your mickey in your trousers, and stop drinking after 12 pints. Hopefully you’ll be calving out a 3 or 4 in the morning.

    lK4bj1c.jpg


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,400 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    For work time **** you can roll a few pieces of toilet paper together and use them to fish out any silver snakes clinging to the bowl.

    You can avoid having to engage in such a degrading “act” if you pre-prepare and roll yourself out a “tulip” or “**** flute”.

    You do this by rolling out tissue and wrapping it around your hand, once you’ve got a good few turns done you break it from the roll, grip the “fingers end” tight and twist it into a tight seal.

    This can then act as a “receptacle” and once you’ve shot out your last you can just crumple the paper up and dump it down the jacks.

    The tide is turning…



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    You can avoid having to engage in such a degrading “act” if you pre-prepare and roll yourself out a “tulip” or “**** flute”.

    You do this by rolling out tissue and wrapping it around your hand, once you’ve got a good few turns done you break it from the roll, grip the “fingers end” tight and twist it into a tight seal.

    This can then act as a “receptacle” and once you’ve shot out your last you can just crumple the paper up and dump it down the jacks.


    Surely you don’t engage in acts of ‘self love’ in public facilities? And if it’s at home then you have the sink, which also allows you to see yourself in the mirror, eyes rolling up into the back of the head.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,400 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    Surely you don’t engage in acts of ‘self love’ in public facilities? And if it’s at home then you have the sink, which also allows you to see yourself in the mirror, eyes rolling up into the back of the head.

    It’s not something I would engage in, myself, these days. But I don’t condemn anyone looking for a little “stress relief” and a way of breaking up the day.

    The only issue I would have with it is people pumping the “stalk” off themselves while others are present. You either do it while the place is empty or you do it in the handicapped facilities.

    The sink is certainly an option at home but, again, I’m a partnered up man so I don’t really have any call to “interfere” with myself. I will say this, there is a heavy shame attached to the look you give yourself in the mirror after you’re done. That certainly abates once you step out of the chamber though.

    The tide is turning…



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 818 ✭✭✭Hal3000


    Last week in our place a creature pinched out a loaf after eating 3 microwavable burgers and possibly a microwavable hot dog on his break. Christ almighty, I survived an egg buffet plume at a meeting once, but I couldn't stay for 10 seconds in the place after the reminiants of his microwavable crap.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,660 ✭✭✭armaghlad


    gerrybbadd wrote: »
    You seem to have missed the point of the thread.

    Its all about those that make their presence felt while you are in the trap, hoping and wishing for some privacy.
    I know. I’ve been saying all along though to poop in the solitude of your own home. It’s not hard to train your body to do so outside of working hours


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  • Registered Users Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    armaghlad wrote: »
    I know. I’ve been saying all along though to poop in the solitude of your own home. It’s not hard to train your body to do so outside of working hours

    I've no interest in "training my body" to retain toxic waste that's intended to be expelled when the body calls out for it to be. Keep up with that craic and you'll have a grand set of dangly grapes hanging out your hole.

    I'm sure 99% of the advice givers on here would agree


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