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What's the etiquette here??

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Comments

  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,078 ✭✭✭IAMAMORON


    Just to take stock of what is happening I think it is appropriate to put a firm valuation on what is happening here.

    If every contributor to this megathread were to spend 15 minutes shighting in the jacks of their working day at 5 days a week at 48 weeks per year that is a total of 60 paid hours per annum where people are being paid to reflect on on the necessities of life and to amply relieve themselves of any unwanted fecal matter. I am taking an average contribution rate of 47 posters as I feel some come and go. That being the case we are talking 47x60 = 2,820 man hours of honest decent hard work being spent on the pan. 2, 820 man hours at a 40 hour week amounts to 70 and one half weeks of pooing, which in shight talk is the equivalent of 1 year and 3-4 months of poo time. At an average industrial wage of € 38,871 that puts an economic value of the contents of this thread at € 52,700.10 . That would be a considerable waste of time, money and effort should the dark powers have their wicked way. I must admit they are currently swarming with the subtlety of a bull in a China shop.

    This thread is one of the most honest and forthright columns of information this entire site has ever bared witness to. It is disappointing that its' influence has gathered such a momentum that the moderators have deemed it necessary to commence sanctioning with the akin tenacity of an aging school master breaking up a pre morning assembly kick around. I smell a distant wind of envy and fury leering from afar, all defecators need strength during these trying times.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    I'd agree with previous sentiments. One of the finest threads Boards has ever seen.

    And in fairness, we've kind of moderated ourselves. Nothing really does get out of hand, but in the past, when it has, we've been quick with the call outs of "dirty cnut" or similar.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,810 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    I was hoping this thread could survive until 10,000 posts. I get a good laugh at the banter while I take some "company time" at work.

    I'm hoping for a part 2 !!!


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Hit the sauce very hard on Saturday - started off by landing a lovely gamble in the 12.15 in Ascot, and headed up to Supervalu for a heap of cans of porter to celebrate. The day got even better when Galway demolished Wexford and very much gave out the warning that 'we haven't gone away you know'. Liverpool won, and I was so drunk by the time Ireland lost to France that I didn't give much of a shít either way. Got a bit of soakage in by ordering in a curry chips and a Bellybuster mushroom and ham pizza, but still woke up on Sunday with a vicious head on me. Turns out I polished off 16 cans of porter before I hit the scratcher.

    Must have been the pizza, but I was severely constipated yesterday, and now know how tetchy and irritable that can make some Boards.ie posters. Not good. Tried to squeeze one out yesterday evening, but there was nothing budging.

    All change this morning as I woke at 6.17am and knew I had less than 30 seconds to hit the can. Terrible cramping and gurgling going on. In the interests of domestic harmony I didn't use the ensuite, and instead used the main bathroom. Absolute carnage. Liquids, solids, and gases. Smelled like a cross between Brasso, a bag of rotten spuds, and Roquefort cheese. In fairness I used a lighter to burn off most of the heavy gases.

    Not easy being a sport and can man.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,204 ✭✭✭partyguinness


    gerrybbadd wrote: »
    One of the finest threads Boards has ever seen.


    You cannot seriously be suggesting there are other threads on a par.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    You cannot seriously be suggesting there are other threads on a par.

    The Manchester United thread when they lose is highly entertaining. Currently serving a lengthy ban from that forum though.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 692 ✭✭✭fuerte1976


    The Manchester United thread when they lose is highly entertaining. Currently serving a lengthy ban from that forum though.

    When you're allowed back in there, you should post when severely constipated like Sunday and get a proper ban!

    Decent intake of solids & liquids on Saturday to be fair..


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,810 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    I think this may have been posted before ... caution NSFW (ish - the 1st picture that appears is some bloke with his pants down)

    https://www.news.com.au/finance/work/at-work/hit-me-like-a-samboy-chip-wa-man-sacked-after-pooing-in-front-of-colleagues/news-story/68892b9cc8e0070bfeca5a31cd21e10f

    Unfair these mines are vast , the nearest "dunny" could be 5 mile away ...

    I think someone was posting in here about working on a mine in Australia, and the traps were something else .... sounds akin to gutting a badger from a height coming from them .....

    Posting text as said nsfw ...
    A West Australian man has lost an unfair dismissal claim after being sacked from his job because he pooed in front of his workmates.

    When you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go.

    But one man’s urge to defecate has lost him his job and a fair work claim.

    West Australian man Anthony Lear, who pooed on his work site twice, has lost a dramatic fair work claim against his former employer, claiming he had been unfairly dismissed for pooing in public.

    Mr Lear had been working as a production technician at BHP WAIO (Western Australian Iron Ore) for seven years before being sacked in April.

    According to hearing documents from the Fair Work Commission (FMC), Mr Lear defecated in an “active work area” on the Yandi Mine in Western Australia on two separate occasions in March.

    During the first alleged incident he pooed down an active drill hole and on the second he defecated on the “collar” of an active drill hole.

    “This conduct occurred, said the respondent, against a backdrop of unsatisfactory workplace behaviour – which when considered with the incidents, led the respondent to dismiss Mr Lear,” the FMC document reads.

    But Mr Lear said he had been given no valid reason for termination and argued there was no other option because there were a lack of toilet facilities at the site.

    “It just hit me like a Samboy chip,” he reportedly told his colleagues on March 9, the day of the first defecation.

    He explained he pooed before covering it up immediately, and had treated the hole like a long drop toilet. Mr Lear also argued he had the urgent onset of “explosive diarrhoea” and that he was in pain.

    “(It was) something else,” he said while giving evidence.

    Witness, Mr Joel Garner, who is a shotfirer at the Yandi mine, said he noticed his colleague drop a rock down the hole which sounded like it hit a gas bag on March 9.

    When he asked the defendant why he did that, Mr Lear replied: “I took a s*** down the hole”.

    According to the FWC document, he did confess that on majority of occasions Mr Lear is the one left behind to supervise the drill pattern while the rest of the crew goes for their meal break but, said Mr Lear should have moved to a patch of vacant land.

    The second alleged incident occurred weeks later on March 27.
    When Mr Lear realised he wasn’t going to make the eight-minute drive to the nearest toilet he scoped out the best place to do the deed, he told the hearing.

    He said he had moved into darkness heading east towards “poor Mr Jack Hughes” whom he told: “I’m about to s*** myself, turn around, turn around.”

    Witnesses heard toilet facilities are supposed to be spaced about five to six minutes apart on site but Mr Lear said that is heavily dependent on traffic.

    Mr Jack Hughes, a production technician at Yandi Mine, said he saw Mr Lear holding a bunch of old rags before saying: “I need to take a s***”.

    Moments later he noticed a bad smell and spotted Mr Lear squatting on a blast collar.

    “What are you doing? Why are you s***ting on a collar?” Mr Hughes asked, according to the FWC hearing.

    Mr Lear responded: “I couldn’t hold it.”

    But Mr Hughes said the windrow (paddock) was “not that far away mate”.

    Despite evidence provided by Mr Lear, FWC was satisfied that based on his conduct, including past, unrelated incidents at work, the employer had a valid reason for dismissing him.

    “Mr Lear’s dismissal was neither unjust, unreasonable nor harsh,” the document states.

    The commission considered his employers code of conduct which included putting health and safety first.

    WAIO also recommended if a staff member cannot wait to reach a designated toilet facility then they should move away from the blast pattern onto surrounding land.

    The Drill and Blast Department at Yandi are responsible for conducting controlled explosions of surface rock and soil to enable that surface material to be more easily cleared away, and the underlying iron ore exposed.


  • Registered Users Posts: 33,543 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato
    Golgafrinchan 'B' Ark


    gerrybbadd wrote: »
    Baby wipe is your only man. Beware, you may have to insert a "digit" to ensure full cleanliness.

    Just dispose of it "Cretan style", otherwise Dyno-Rod will be in your future.

    Here's what you could have won.



  • Registered Users Posts: 54 ✭✭Arthur Fent


    Back in the office today for a few hours. Just dropped off an arse load there like a bale of briquettes. Very satisfying. Feel about a stone lighter. Might treat myself to an extravagant lunch.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,790 ✭✭✭Lewis_Benson


    I had to open my business today for a few hours, and asked one of the lads to come in and give me a hand. I was out last night watching the Liverpool game, and I've a stage 6 hangover as a result. :(



    Anways, it got to about half 10 and I felt my 'sheriff's badge' starting to twitch. Headed into the jacks and dropped a serious anchor into Brown Water Bay. I was sitting there afterwards on my phone when what do I hear but the jacks door opening, and someone heading into the stall beside mine. Down go the trousers, a slight groan, a string of watery farts, and then a noise that sounded like a box of old boots being thrown out of an attic. A smaller fart to finish up, and a deep exhalation of breath. :eek:



    I was shocked, and very angry. Am I overreacting, or should the fúcker have waited until I had finished using the boombox before he decided to go and pinch one out? He's an Eastern European, so don't know if they have different cultural norms. I didn't say a word to him for the rest of the morning, and am in a shocker of a mood since. :mad:

    Johnny,
    Did you ever imagine when you posted this originally, that it would still be going over 2 years later..


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,871 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Johnny,
    Did you ever imagine when you posted this originally, that it would still be going over 2 years later..

    Two years...... lot of arse rope backed out in that time.


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,459 ✭✭✭✭Ush1


    Two years...... lot of arse rope backed out in that time.

    I'd say enough sh*te and methane has been expelled by the patrons of this thread in that time to power the large hadron collider.


  • Registered Users Posts: 215 ✭✭2018na


    Have to say some of the stuff written on this thread is absolutely top class. One thing though can’t believe fluttering bantam hasn’t made an appearance I would of thought he’d have something to add


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 348 ✭✭Trouser Snake


    Stale monkey nuts lads, stay well away. Finished off a bowl of leftovers there yesterday evening, could have hit an easel from 8 feet today such was the blowback.
    Might have ate a few shells unknowingly, found a 24/7 Ron Burgundy IPTV stream, ended up polishing off the nuts and half a bottle of Green Spot.

    Hole on me like an R32 backbox all day.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,790 ✭✭✭Lewis_Benson


    Pray to.... Whoever will listen..
    Day 3 on the liver and bacon Casserole, by jaysus its a savage dinner.. But I have had some odd movements today.
    Was on the throne a while ago and can barely get a pea sized chyte out.
    Back on it again now, the fires of hell have started, a mint suposatory needed to be deployed to cool the jets.
    I shat the foooker out 5 mins later.

    Nevermind your pandemic, I thínk this calls for a state of emergency... The deluge has started....


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Johnny,
    Did you ever imagine when you posted this originally, that it would still be going over 2 years later..


    I didn't really, Lewis. I knew it was an extremely important and necessary topic to have discussed in AH, but I wasn't expecting it to last beyond maybe 15 posts. I'm sure there were a huge amount of extremely 'bound up' individuals looking to have it closed in the early days, but, like a 'no wipe wonder', miracles do happen.

    That said, some excellent moderators around here at the moment. The sort of lads and lassies who know what way to put on their trousers in the morning, and who obviously get plenty of vegetables and wholegrains into their diet. :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 208 ✭✭Valresnick


    Guy in my work, hasn’t been seen in months as he’s non essential - useless. He’s working from home I guess? I couldn’t care what he’s doing to be honest. He has shoes curled up at the toes - winkle-pickers and a rake thin arse hidden behind blue denim jeans and leather jacket. A balding ponytail as well. The ignorant parrot went in and threw a disgraceful crap just before going home today. The smell of rotten eggs and stale cigarettes vented out to the open plan. He never bothered opening the window. We’re not that close in the office so no one mentioned it. He casually shagged off into the sunset bang on 4pm. An older lady sits near the Jax door so she took the brunt of it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,984 ✭✭✭Slideways


    Sounds like the kind of bloke who would eat a cooked chicken from a can and drink bottled Smithwicks at room temp.

    Be cautious around such characters, he may have a killing room set up in the garden shed


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 348 ✭✭Trouser Snake


    Don't think there isn't one of us here hasn't opened the window after a "good one" in fairness.
    Sounds like a lad who drives a Citroen, a C5 at a guess.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 208 ✭✭Valresnick


    Valresnick wrote: »
    Guy in my work, hasn’t been seen in months as he’s non essential - useless. He’s working from home I guess? I couldn’t care what he’s doing to be honest. He has shoes curled up at the toes - winkle-pickers and a rake thin arse hidden behind blue denim jeans and leather jacket. A balding ponytail as well. The ignorant parrot went in and threw a disgraceful crap just before going home today. The smell of rotten eggs and stale cigarettes vented out to the open plan. He never bothered opening the window. We’re not that close in the office so no one mentioned it. He casually shagged off into the sunset bang on 4pm. An older lady sits near the Jax door so she took the brunt of it.

    I really need to get away from this environment.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Valresnick wrote: »
    I really need to get away from this environment.


    Civil service? :confused:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 208 ✭✭Valresnick


    Civil service? :confused:

    Worse - a semi state.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,078 ✭✭✭IAMAMORON


    Valresnick wrote: »
    Guy in my work, hasn’t been seen in months as he’s non essential - useless. He’s working from home I guess? I couldn’t care what he’s doing to be honest. He has shoes curled up at the toes - winkle-pickers and a rake thin arse hidden behind blue denim jeans and leather jacket. A balding ponytail as well. The ignorant parrot went in and threw a disgraceful crap just before going home today. The smell of rotten eggs and stale cigarettes vented out to the open plan. He never bothered opening the window. We’re not that close in the office so no one mentioned it. He casually shagged off into the sunset bang on 4pm. An older lady sits near the Jax door so she took the brunt of it.

    He sounds as foul as the towering shightberg he laid in your office this afternoon. I would not tolerate anyone in my office without a tie on. You are probably working somewhere very inofficious, which can complicate etiquette at the best of times. Put simply, it is a crime to allow a Hells Angel impersonator hover around and frankly letting such guttersnipes near the facilities is highly disrespectful to the remaining staff who are probably trying to get an honest days work in. Anyone attending an office of a Tuesday should have the decency to wear a suit. You are what you wear. If your said employee insists on dressing like a Roadee at a Metallica concert you should show him the door. Unacceptable. Fire him.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Valresnick wrote: »
    Worse - a semi state.


    Mentioned it here in the recent past, but I used to sell catering equipment to the kitchens of a few of the larger semi-states. Different breeds in those places. Never saw so many comb overs, blazers and MS loafers in all my life. If gout had a smell then the place would be reeking with it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 348 ✭✭Trouser Snake


    Is this what we're coming to? Lad can't lay a length of rope without being ridiculed online probably totally unaware of same?

    There's a far bigger issue at play here which everybody's avoiding.
    The old lady sat at her office desk actually beside the restrooms.

    C'mon, if it was a younger lady sat there we'd give her the benefit of a doubt in that she's starting out in her career and doesn't want to raise her head above the parapet by complaining the dude.
    No, this old lady has her head well and truly above the parapet watching(and secretly sniffing I'd offer) all and sundry using said restrooms.
    Probably has spent a whole career doing it unnoticed.
    Far bigger issues here than a past-it hippy dropping in for free use of some toilet roll, that lady needs calling out.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,078 ✭✭✭IAMAMORON


    No sale Trouser Snake. Everyone knows the hot totty never sees the same floor of the facilities until they piss off their superiors. The only hot things' senior management want to witness sliding out the back door are marvelous flogs of brown coil seeping into the pan below.

    This stinks of a family business that simply have not put enough thought into the N-Zone. Most likely a unisex just off a semi kitchenette with vermin washing their hands in the kitchen sink after lobbing communal slices of white sliced pan into a Kenwood toaster that is a fire hazard at the best of times.

    Sounds dodgy enough.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 208 ✭✭Valresnick


    Is this what we're coming to? Lad can't lay a length of rope without being ridiculed online probably totally unaware of same?

    There's a far bigger issue at play here which everybody's avoiding.
    The old lady sat at her office desk actually beside the restrooms.

    C'mon, if it was a younger lady sat there we'd give her the benefit of a doubt in that she's starting out in her career and doesn't want to raise her head above the parapet by complaining the dude.
    No, this old lady has her head well and truly above the parapet watching(and secretly sniffing I'd offer) all and sundry using said restrooms.
    Probably has spent a whole career doing it unnoticed.
    Far bigger issues here than a past-it hippy dropping in for free use of some toilet roll, that lady needs calling out.

    I kind of see what you’re saying here. There’s no smoke without fire, right ? With the greatest of respect the old girl has been responsible for some suspect loafs in the past. Difference is she masks here’s with perfume, but one Monday she was caught off guard. Reckon she had been brought out by the son in law on the Sunday for a full carvery with all the trimmings, apple pie and custard and a few G+Ts. An awful pong creeped out of the ladies mid afternoon. She’s not the innocent victim I first made her out to be.


  • Registered Users Posts: 33,543 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato
    Golgafrinchan 'B' Ark


    Valresnick wrote: »
    Worse - a semi state.

    Worse - a semi solid :pac:

    Here's what you could have won.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 33,543 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato
    Golgafrinchan 'B' Ark


    Johnny,
    Did you ever imagine when you posted this originally, that it would still be going over 2 years later..

    Jeez I hope you don't work with figures. Though for the purposes of this thread being able to count up to 2 is enough :)

    Here's what you could have won.



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