Life Hacks: The Arse edition #2

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, 'HEY, where was the arse edition #1 and why didn't we see it?'

The answer is that it's here but it was crudely closed, callously cut down in its infancy by a mod who decreed that there were enough arse threads in After Hours.

Here, we'll be talking about strategies and hacks over what do you do if you need a sh*te, but there's people over?

Let's say the wife is entertaining the Hendersons from number 31, and you secretly fancy Mrs Henderson and don't want her to know you're going for a sh*t, preserving the slim chance you have of having an affair with her?

Or what if you have a new lady friend over, and you're laughing over a glass of Chablis on the couch downstairs when suddenly you feel your tummy rumble and you know you're going to need to visit the WC soon?

So, the first thing you need to do, before pushing out whatever needs to be pushed out, is flush the toilet. You need to do it at exactly the right time, to suppress the fart noise that echoes around the entire house. Your guest(s) downstairs will be none the wiser.

But there's a problem: you're still producing waste at a rate of knots, and the plop noise, which also echoes around the whole damn house, is liable to give you away. What do you do? You take a generous amount of toilet paper and put it down the bowl.

By doing this you create a platform between your arse and the water, meaning there will be no splash or, more importantly, no plop. Mrs Henderson, or your date, will again be none the wiser.

And now, the pièce de résistance. When you walk back into the dining room, do so with your phone in your hand, and tell your wife something innocuous about a friend of yours. "Andy might have gout afterall." Anything. The implication here is that you were away for 20 minutes because you were talking to gout-stricken Andy, not because you were sh*tting the night away.

You're welcome.