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How did you come out?

  • 19-07-2020 1:39pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 12,076 ✭✭✭✭


    Loads of the threads on this but they are all old so thought I’d start a new one.

    When you came out how did you handle it, who did you tell first etc?
    Did you do the whole “Sit down I have something to tell you” or something different?


Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 363 ✭✭Tig98


    Over the course of about 4 weeks I came out to all my friends. We'd be out drinking or doing whatever and I'd pick them off in ones and twos for a private chat, this was just after the leaving cert. I started with the girls because I wanted to gain easy momentum, then I made it to the lads. They were all fairly taken aback and it took some of them time to come around but I only lost one friend over it, and he wasn't part of the main group so it didn't create any awkwardness.

    My parents and family were great to be fair. Parents were worried for my mental health about keeping it to myself for so long, they tiptoed around me for a while but were ultimately okay. Brothers and sisters were all unfazed.

    At work, two managers asked me at a staff party if my friend who also worked there was gay. He is, but wasn't in a good place about it so I said "I doubt it, he knows I'm gay and he's never said anything to me", it was hot news for a month and then it all went back to normal.

    I'm lucky that it all went so well. I thought that bad reactions would largely be a thing of the past but unfortunately that's not true. I've made friends through college that have parents who refuse to acknowledge it, or will stop supporting them if they "go through with that lifestyle"...


  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 21,934 CMod ✭✭✭✭Ten of Swords


    I was too afraid to come out to my friends, in the end my best friend asked me about things he had heard. I worked myself up to such a state expecting a negative reaction from him that I was ready for a fist fight there and then, he hugged me and told me to stop being so f**king stupid and that he, and my other friends, had suspected for a very long time. I didn't get the opportunity to come out to my parents.

    I posted about it a few years ago
    https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=91015495


  • Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Motoring & Transport Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 67,063 Mod ✭✭✭✭L1011


    Thought I'd replied to the 2014 thread on this, checked and I didn't. Quite gradually over five or six years. Anyone who needed to know knew and nobody was ever misled in to thinking I wasn't gay. My parents were quite early and weren't surprised. Have been out in every workplace since 18; it'd be quite hard to hide what will be a ten year relationship next year but even prior to that it has never been an issue. I've always worked in technical/engineering "blokey" roles.

    I did have two friends ask my sister (who was allowed tell people), rather than me; and then text me about it at about 5am when I was away at a gig in NI.

    Never lost any friends or anything; weirdly had a few people apologise years later for homophobia that I often never perceived. In one case I suspect he was probably a bit worse towards his little brother who is also out, and may have apologised to the wrong person.


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,076 ✭✭✭✭Gael23


    How did you guys do it? Just sit whoever you want to tell down for a quiet moment?

    I think my parents kind of know. It’s more my grandparents and friends that I’m worried about


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,164 ✭✭✭lottpaul


    Also thought I had answered something like this before. I began a long time ago but I suppose it really continues to this day. If we meet someone new there is usually a moment when we correct the "default" setting of being straight, but I always pass it off as a thing of no consequence and get on with the rest of the conversation/business etc.
    Re the people who matter in my life - I told my siblings and a few friends when I was in my teens and early 20s. They were surprised - it was the 1970s/early 1980s - but none reacted in a negative way.
    My mother died when I was a child and I never told my father, even though I know he knew - living with another guy for years was a bit of a giveaway I suppose :) and he stayed with us many times.
    Work wise we never told anyone, and that was difficult, but it was not the most accepting of environments generally. I was glad to leave it all behind.
    At this stage all of our relations, friends and neighbours know and the only time it even arises is if we are on holiday or at a function e.g. a wedding where some people don't know us and somebody asks a direct question such as "are you married?" I don't ever feel an obligation to answer fully and sometimes just say a simple "yes" :) Himself on the other hand is liable to sit them down and almost get out the photo album. If people are surprised they hide it well and even if they didn't it wouldn't bother us at this stage.

    It's not always easy though - I have known people who lost family and friends as a result but overall it has been more positive than negative.


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  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 21,934 CMod ✭✭✭✭Ten of Swords


    lottpaul wrote: »
    I told my siblings and a few friends when I was in my teens and early 20s. They were surprised - it was the 1970s/early 1980s - but none reacted in a negative way.

    I think that's really nice :) Must have been pretty intimidating given the era? Completely different attitudes in Ireland back then, I can only imagine what that would have been like.


  • Registered Users Posts: 363 ✭✭Tig98


    What do you have planned for it Gael?

    Most of your friends will probably know, or at least they will recognise it straight away when they look at your past behaviour (which is probably of dodging women and never having a relationship). Ironically a week before I came out to my best friend his own brother came out to him, and he said it instantly clicked there and then that I was gay too.

    The best thing you can do is get people on their own, and be honest and to the point. It's best to leave out any details of hookups to friends and even if they ask give them a very watered down version, and don't mention boyfriends or anything like that to your parents. They might think they want to know now, but it's better to let them get used to the idea of it first on their own.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,164 ✭✭✭lottpaul


    I think that's really nice :) Must have been pretty intimidating given the era? Completely different attitudes in Ireland back then, I can only imagine what that would have been like.


    Thanks :) It wasn't easy but growing up in a very rural area I knew I'd have to get out in order to meet people and the ones I told were living in Dublin and had floors I might like to crash on :o A case of necessity trumping caution maybe, but needs and hormones were a great incentive..... I think.... seems so long ago I can hardly remember :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,076 ✭✭✭✭Gael23


    Tig98 wrote: »
    What do you have planned for it Gael?

    Most of your friends will probably know, or at least they will recognise it straight away when they look at your past behaviour (which is probably of dodging women and never having a relationship). Ironically a week before I came out to my best friend his own brother came out to him, and he said it instantly clicked there and then that I was gay too.

    The best thing you can do is get people on their own, and be honest and to the point. It's best to leave out any details of hookups to friends and even if they ask give them a very watered down version, and don't mention boyfriends or anything like that to your parents. They might think they want to know now, but it's better to let them get used to the idea of it first on their own.

    I did want to wait until I had a boyfriend abd I actually had something to tell but the therapist I’m seeing is directing me away from that and I can see why.
    Equally I don’t want to just blurt it out, I’d like to set the scene in some sort of way. But the thought of having to do it over and over scares me a little


  • Registered Users Posts: 105 ✭✭helpful


    Gael23 wrote: »
    I did want to wait until I had a boyfriend abd I actually had something to tell but the therapist I’m seeing is directing me away from that and I can see why.
    Equally I don’t want to just blurt it out, I’d like to set the scene in some sort of way. But the thought of having to do it over and over scares me a little

    In my experience once you tell the first person most people just find out anyway.
    I made the mistake of telling my aunt who likes to gossip on New Year’s Eve (bit of a cliche perhaps). She told my mom who then asked to talk to me about 2 days later. We spoke about it and she as very accepting. She told me that she would tell my dad and that her only concern was that I’d be beaten up or bullied because of it. My dad who is a proper manly man asked me one morning when it was just the two of us at home. We spoke about it. I then heard him cry downstairs which made me upset.
    It is now treated as my siblings sexuality, in that it isn’t spoken about. I always feel lucky that they were so accepting.
    I thought I’d go for coffees with my closest friends and they all knew before I said it. People in work knew already. It was pretty obvious to be fair.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 363 ✭✭Tig98


    Gael23 wrote: »
    I did want to wait until I had a boyfriend abd I actually had something to tell but the therapist I’m seeing is directing me away from that and I can see why.
    Equally I don’t want to just blurt it out, I’d like to set the scene in some sort of way. But the thought of having to do it over and over scares me a little

    When I came out to my mam the one bit that caused her the most agitation was that I had metting a guy, she fixated on it to no end and pinned all of her worries and anger on him for "causing" me being gay. To be fair it was very innocent, both 16 and would just meet up in the city for a talk and walk, but I guess it's hard as a parent to hear that.

    Definitely come out for yourself and on your own two feet, mention any kind of boy interests later on. It's also a bit of a deterrent in dating if a guy isn't out. I know it can all seem like hot air, but a huge weight is lifted off your shoulders. After a month or so it'll all be back to normal and the day to say life won't change but you'll feel that people will finally see you and understand you better.


  • Registered Users Posts: 41 funkypumpkins


    I came out to my mum when I was 22, after I attended a boards meet up event back in the day and knew that I was definitely comfortable with being gay. She had a little cry and she kind of knew, due to lack of girls and relationship. Shortly after, I just told friends bit by bit.

    Funnily enough, my now boyfriend waited until we decided to get into a relationship and he told everybody one by one and that was the best for him. His father is the only person who is not terribly comfortable because of his masculinity/ "man's man" approach. I have an uncle like that and I thankfully don't engage with him.

    I think little by little is the way to do it, but each to their own.


  • Registered Users Posts: 311 ✭✭spoonerhead


    Some great posts here, I came out at 17 which was a huge shock to my friends and family at the time. My family are very accepting, just the usually new worries that become of having a gay son really, also they felt they let me down because I didn’t give them any signs. I’m extremely discreet and masculine so they really didn’t understand it at the start (Taught it was a phase).

    I lost a few people along the way but definitely gained more friends as the years have gone past. I’ve always been friends with other lads, which is more common than I taught when I came out. I’ve been able to hold together in the same group and I really have great friends. Funny enough, the only comments that stuck with me where when a gay lad I hooked up with! Internal homophobia against men particularly who might be masculine/ feminine gets thrown around a lot, it’s a judgement I only see within the community.

    When I originally said it, it came out on the back of me being extremely anxious and down in life. However coming out never fixed that and I suffered pretty bad mental health issues for a while after. I’m now 24 and have really built up a strong mind and better situation for the last while. Thankfully!


  • Registered Users Posts: 5 ja_


    I still haven't and at 40 and i doubt i ever will, denied it to myself for years and went from failed straight relationship to the next one until a couple of years ago when i decided just to stay on my own


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,602 ✭✭✭Rick_


    My parents probably suspected but it was never talked about and I never officially came out to them, or anyone really. I never felt like I had to come out and inform someone like it was my duty to make everyone aware about myself. It's none of their business really.

    One day I walked into my kitchen with my then boyfriend, introduced him by name (didn't say he was my boyfriend) to my parents who were in the kitchen making breakfast and that was that. He was staying with me that night as we were going to a wedding the next day and it was more convenient for him to stay here than travel from further away. It was never mentioned until a few days later and it was my mum who said "he seems lovely" and we just smiled at each other. Spoiler alert, he wasn't lovely, he turned into a complete prick, but anyway! I have a lesbian cousin and she and my mum are quite close so I always knew she couldn't have a problem with me being gay and if she did I'd have called her out for being a massive hypocrite.

    My dad never said a thing. About a year later I overheard my father talking to one of his friends who had called to the house and though I'm not sure what they were talking about, I heard my father say "oh, that's (my name)'s boyfriend" and continued talking like it was nothing and the friend didn't react either. He has been very chatty and gets on well with my partner and that wasn't the reaction I was expecting as he is a manly mans man type himself and not one for showing the emotions or talking about things like that.

    My friends and the majority, if not all, of my extended family (aunts/uncles/cousins etc) know as well, they weren't told, they just saw us together and I'm assuming they cottoned on. If they don't they may find out in due course anyway if we get married and they get an invite!


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,076 ✭✭✭✭Gael23


    I feel a bit like I don’t want to hurt anyone close to me but then you can’t hide who you are forever either


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,488 ✭✭✭Goodshape


    I came out pretty quietly. Didn't want to make too much of a fuss so there was never any big "moment".

    Really, for me, the biggest challenge was admitting it to myself. After that it just felt like a matter of finding the time and place to tell a few key people. But there was never really a period where I was sneaking out to bars or clubs or having hookups or relationships while pretending to anyone that I was straight. So once I'd come to terms with it myself, there wasn't any shouting about it but I wasn't keeping secrets either. Most people just found out in due course and I'd pride myself in having a "oh yeah, no big deal" attitude towards it. Although in reality I was MUCH more anxious about the whole thing :), I tried to hide that as best I could.

    The first person I told was a good friend of mine, who I was living abroad with at the time, when I was 21. Maybe a week or two after finally admitting it to myself. Then a couple of other friends and my sister. Most people were surprised but nobody took it badly.

    Told my parents when I moved back home about a year after that. And anyone else just sort of found out whenever.

    It did take a number of years for it to stop being a source of anxiety whenever topics of sex or sexuality came up, but I got there eventually.
    Did you do the whole “Sit down I have something to tell you” or something different?
    Just on that specifically - yes, for the first couple of friends and my parents it was a "sit down I have something to tell you". It was as much me needing a seat as them; those first few times are nerve wracking. But it gets easier, and easier, and eventually (almost) as normal as saying "yeah, I have brown hair".


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,076 ✭✭✭✭Gael23


    I guess I’ve gotten to the point of coming out internally to myself and accepting the fact that I like guys. But it’s taking that out into the open that scares me a little. I’ve got a small family abd I don’t want to hurt anyone


  • Registered Users Posts: 363 ✭✭Tig98


    The long and the short of it is, your life is your own.

    Your parents and will be dead in X amount of years anyway. That's not meant to be somehow harsh, it's just fact. Your brothers and sisters will take a more executive role in your life as you all age and they'll be there to rely on but they won't be there as constantly as when you were all under the one roof. Don't go about your life trying to please others cause you'll never be happy! Definitely pick up a copy of The Velvet Rage, it's a book about self acceptance for gay men. It's been passed around my gay friends and friends of friends etc and it's really thought provoking, you'll definitely recognise yourself in there somewhere.


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,076 ✭✭✭✭Gael23


    Never heard of that book


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  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 21,934 CMod ✭✭✭✭Ten of Swords


    Are you concerned because you are still financially dependent on them or perhaps still live with them?

    Ultimately what you are doing now is modifying your behaviour to suit others and it sounds like it's really getting to you


  • Registered Users Posts: 765 ✭✭✭Jafin


    It was the weekend of Halloween 2014. I had gone to a pub out the country with a few of my friends, I was dressed as Bosco. I was 25 and living at home with my mother at the time as I had only finished my degree over in London a few months prior. When I got home my mother was still up, and she had had a few drinks (I was, of course, still drunk having just gotten home). I said my hellos when I came in, then went and took off my white face paint and red rag doll wig. I went out for a cigarette and a notion just came over me that that was the perfect time to tell her. I texted one of my friends who I had been out with and she said that was absolutely not the right time to come out. I didn't listen.

    I walked back into the kitchen and marched into the sitting room and said "Mam, I have something to tell you and I just want you to get any questions out of the way now because I don't want to talk about it after." (note - while me and my mam are close, we're not really the "let's talk about our feelings" type of people which is why I just wanted to get it over and done with) She said ok an I just splurted out "I'm gay." She replied saying ok and that she had kind of figured anyway. I asked her if she had any questions and she said no and that she didn't care as long as I was happy.

    I went back to the kitchen, grabbed a bag of Meanies and a can of Coke and then went into the sitting room and stuffed my face.

    The end.

    Edit: Oh, I kind of only said how I came out to my mam. I was out to all my friends since I was 18/19, but there's no story there.


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,076 ✭✭✭✭Gael23


    Are you concerned because you are still financially dependent on them or perhaps still live with them?

    Ultimately what you are doing now is modifying your behaviour to suit others and it sounds like it's really getting to you

    No not dependant on them financially, I work away during the week and then go back home at weekends most of the time.
    I kind of get what your saying regarding behaviour. As time goes on I have realised that I’m attracted to lads and I’ve perhaps suppressed that.


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