Now ye're talking - to a married person having an affair [Mod warning Post #1]

Thanks for your post, appreciate you taking the time.

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Do you feel this caused you a lot of stress and hassle? I mean i find even tiny lies stressful.


Does the whole thing not take up a large part of your life that you could be doing something more productive with?

There's definitely been plenty of stress. I don't like lying, being a person who keeps secrets and misleads. It's tiresome and complicating. I wouldn't say that it absorbs my life, but it's certainly a constant background noise. Something that can become very disruptive and aggravating.

Do you find now your wife knows your life is very static or stagnant? You can't seem to move beyond this into either having an open relationship with the wife or leaving her ...or stopping the affairs. So i just wondered what your actual expectations were.

It's brought issues between into sharper focus than they would've been before. How we struggle to find things to enjoy together, shared interests or activities. She's more jealous of my attention when comes to me talking to other people, be it friends on the phone or folks on boards. A lot of the time, we just don't have engaging stuff to talk about, and with everything that's happened she feels the lack more keenly.

I never had any intention of becoming emotionally entangled with someone else. It was supposed to just be a physical thing.

Why weren't you able to keep the intimacy in your relationship with the wife? Why did it become empty without your knowing? Do you realize you actually probably need to work on yourself regarding emotions and communication and probably become a deeper person etc? I mean you need to look deeper regardless of who you stay with as every relationship can become empty if you don't know how to fill it.

Some of it probably grew out of staleness. I hadn't had much experience before we got together, and wanted to experience newness. That wasn't something that we were going to do together, so I started looking outside us. Separate to that, I definitely wasn't as aware of myself as I should have been. It's not great to realise you want more life experiences when you're 6 or 7 years into relationship with 2 kids and another on the way.

You're spot about the need for deeper self fulfillment, I have a large amount of dissatisfaction for myself, independent of this specific situation. As does my wife for that matter, this has served to apply pressure to a lot of those insecurities. In many ways, I'm still trying to figure what I want to be when I grow, despite being only a few years away from getting pensioned in my current career field.

Also how did your wife find out?

When I came home the first time, I was really upset to leave my gf. It had gotten very intense towards the end for both of us, and I struggled to contain the grief or sense of loss in saying goodbye. I had left things dead between us initially, where I wasn't going to have any further contact after I left. So when I got home, I was distant and withdrawing from her affections. I didn't respond to her touches or even flinched away. It was pretty obvious to her something was up, and she confronted me about it. From there things slowly came out. I didn't immediately admit to having a relationship with someone, at first I said it was just random hook ups. She eventually caught me talking to her, and the rest came out.

You don't seem very happy or to be having fun in life right now. I really hope that changes.

It's not been much fun for anyone around here of late, mostly cause I tend to be rather dour at the moment. It's a tough one in many respects. Some other posters asked if I would go back and change things if I could. I would definitely want to have treated my wife and gf better, in terms of being honest and such. That said, in the present, for all the pain and difficulty that has accrued, I can't pretend that I regret everything. I'm happy that I got to have my gf in my life, to know her. I've shared experiences, been loved in a way that I didn't know I missed.

How do you weight a life, when it comes to seeking happiness? Other posters have rightly talked about the impact on others, and making sacrifices. Being a parent, it's all about giving up things. Freedom, dreams oftentimes, relationships even. Against that, you only get one life. If you find a vein of happiness, are you doing the right thing by ignoring that? Is that the lesson to pass on? I don't know, and I'm not saying that to build an excuse for myself. It's something I struggle with now, and I don't know what I would advise my kids, as a lesson to pass on, separate from treating people with respect and kindness. Something I failed to do here.

One last thing ..you mentioned polyamory...i am not being funny ..but do you think you have the emotional maturity and intelligence for that? Its harder than people think. If you can't do monogamy ..its unlikely you can do polyamory. Its not really suited to people who can't talk about emotions quite the opposite. You have to talk things out a lot ..often with BOTH partners present. Its not for the emotionally immature. I think it can actually make people less selfless though and more secure despite what people think. Expecially for the person with two partners ..i.e a guy with two wives has to be a lot more mature than people think. He has the needs of two partners to balance with his own. When you think that often a lot of ourselves gets lost in relationships even more of yourself can get lost in two relationships at the same time. There is very little me time.

I have pretty strong emotional intelligence, despite how it might come across through here. That doesn't always translate in the moment, as I find myself staying mum to avoid arguments with my wife and the subsequent disruption that they'd bring. I would completely agree as to effort it requires to be in relationship where you are pulled by two people (hey oh) emotionally. In some respects, I think I would be suited to it. I like being a provider, giver in a relationship. Being to able to help meet other peoples needs. I'd welcome being free of the need to keep secrets in myself, that leads me to not engaging with my wife for example, when she needs deeper connections. Trying to get past the sense of possessiveness is probably one of the hardest aspects. Recognising where your love is and not feeling that it's threaten continually by outside elements.

Also an open relationship is totally different to polyamory. I think that option might be better for yourself. Its a relationship were both partners are free to have affairs. These affairs don't really add up to the same commitment partnership level of a marriage unlike polyamory were you really just have two wives.

Thanks for answering. I hope it all works out for the best and that everyone will be happy in the end inc your wife and the other woman and yourself and most of all your kids.

I'd be happy with any solution that lead to a place where everyone could be happy. I hate that people I care about are suffering because I messed things up.

IHeartShoes wrote: »

Are you concerned that similar will happen again? Your wife separates from you. You commence a typical relationship with your GF, long distance or otherwise. You continue meeting others or meet someone else. Because you like new sex or swinging etc. You form a connection with someone else because again you have similar interests, sex etc. Back to square one.

S

Yea, I've thought about that. If that is the course my life takes, I'll endeavor to be more upfront about my history and needs. No point making the same mistakes, over and over. Especially if it entails hurting people I care about.

Sorry for the delay in answering, was dealing with some stuff. I'll get through them.

up for anything wrote: »

OP, I know it sounds like you are making all the decisions but I don't agree with this comment.

Your wife is very well able to end your marriage. She is not trapped except by herself. She is an adult with free will.

Lots of us go it alone when we realise we can no longer put up with what our partners are dishing out. Yes, it is very difficult because you have to let go of the person you thought your partner was or could become and in so many cases the standard of living will drop hugely but it is made up for by peace of mind and regaining one's self and being able to be a better and more honest parent to childre. She obviously has her reasons as to why she doesn't. I do think that by not taking the initiative yourself you are hoping that she will eventually reach breaking point and then you won't need to feel so guilty. That to me is much worse than the affairs. It seems to me that you are trying to make her complicit in your mess one way or another.

I haven't looked to make decision, you're right there. I don't know that it's from trying to ease my feelings of guilt. Don't think anything could accomplish that, nor would is it something I care about.


Part of it is trying to avoid making the situation worse I suppose, fear of the fallout from ending things. Maybe things would be better in the future if we split, but that'd be after an extended period where things were worse.

banoffe2 wrote: »

Would it be possible that your wife is too broken from the impact the affair has had on her to make a rational decision that requires courage and strenght

She doesn't strike me as a broken woman. She's very capable and strong in herself. If she was in a place that she thought things were impossible, she would leave, I think.