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2021 Bride/Groom

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  • Registered Users Posts: 11,195 ✭✭✭✭Michellenman


    I’ve been feeling totally grand about postponing since we made the decision earlier this year and I know it’s for the best but this weekend coming should have been our wedding day and I just feel rotten. I keep thinking of what I should be doing right now if Covid hadn’t happened. Going to collect my dress and my fiancé’s suit, getting my nails done, him getting a haircut, enjoying the excitement, doing a bit of a countdown etc. Just feel a bit upset about it all. I’m sure I’ll be grand once Saturday has passed and of course in the grand scheme of things we’ve been very lucky to have our loved ones happy and healthy but I just can’t shake this feeling of upset.


  • Registered Users Posts: 601 ✭✭✭zedhead


    I’ve been feeling totally grand about postponing since we made the decision earlier this year and I know it’s for the best but this weekend coming should have been our wedding day and I just feel rotten. I keep thinking of what I should be doing right now if Covid hadn’t happened. Going to collect my dress and my fiancé’s suit, getting my nails done, him getting a haircut, enjoying the excitement, doing a bit of a countdown etc. Just feel a bit upset about it all. I’m sure I’ll be grand once Saturday has passed and of course in the grand scheme of things we’ve been very lucky to have our loved ones happy and healthy but I just can’t shake this feeling of upset.


    Its so hard. I remember when our first date passed we tried to mark the day. We got lots of lovely deliveries and messages from friends and family. Got nice food from M&S and got all dressed up and enjoyed our day. The week of was really tough though. Jus think you still have all of those things to look forward to for your new date and make sure to do something nice on the day.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    I’ve been feeling totally grand about postponing since we made the decision earlier this year and I know it’s for the best but this weekend coming should have been our wedding day and I just feel rotten. I keep thinking of what I should be doing right now if Covid hadn’t happened. Going to collect my dress and my fiancé’s suit, getting my nails done, him getting a haircut, enjoying the excitement, doing a bit of a countdown etc. Just feel a bit upset about it all. I’m sure I’ll be grand once Saturday has passed and of course in the grand scheme of things we’ve been very lucky to have our loved ones happy and healthy but I just can’t shake this feeling of upset.

    It sucks. Big time. But the day will pass and you'll start to feel better again. Just keep reminding yourself of all the valid reasons for postponing.

    We didn't do much to mark what was supposed to be our original day. We took a short trip to bull island, which is where we got engaged. I couldn't even tell you what we had for dinner though. We got messages from a few people, so it was nice to know that people were thinking of us. I was glad to have the day over with though tbh.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    I was starting to feel positive about the wedding again. I was excited about getting our tasting box for the wedding cake. We got our frame delivered for the sand ceremony today. We've a custom made memory box arriving this week for the ceremony too.

    But then I talk to my parents and just feels like **** again.

    One upside to postponing again is that I assumed they'd be vaccinated by September and therefore would come to the wedding (they said they wouldn't come to the wedding if they're not vaccinated). But they mentioned something about not wanting the astrazeneca vaccine, because they'd have to wait 12 weeks for the second dose. So I was like, hang on... if you don't have the second dose before the wedding, are you not going to come? Basically they don't know if they will!! They kept saying they WANT to come, but couldn't give me a straight answer if they've only had one dose. The usual thing of it depends on case numbers etc.

    Like seriously, what is WRONG with them!!! I don't think I've had a single positive conversation with them about the wedding since pandemic started. They didn't show any particular interest when I was telling them about all the other stuff we're planning atm. They didn't even ask what flavours of cake we'll be trying. I mean, who doesn't want to take about cake! My mother is always asking me what I cook for dinner with genuine interest, but doesn't ask what flavour wedding cake we might want?!

    Sorry. Rant over. My blood is just boiling here.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    Maybe your parents are just worried Woodchuck. I do think from your posts that they’ve always felt like this, and it’s not like they’re suddenly dropping it on you. I can’t remember if you’ve said anything about underlying health conditions, but it’s possible that they both feel very anxious about COVID, and think it’s better not to fully commit to saying they’ll attend your wedding, and then backing out through genuine concern or fear.

    If you feel that you can’t picture your wedding party without them, you could postpone it until next year. I get how frustrated you must feel, but something has to give: you want them in your wedding party, they won’t commit to that until they’re fully vaccinated and/or the numbers improve, and you need to have a date booked that you can believe in. It sounds to me that these 3 things are currently not compatible. So that’s why I say that something needs to give/be changed, and from what you’ve said before, I highly doubt that’s going to be your parents views (or anxiety). So do you feel that you could go ahead with your current date, with the chance that they genuinely don’t feel that they can attend? Or do you change your date?

    I’m not saying that anyone is right or wrong, but it sounds like things are at an impasse. And, rightly or wrongly, it doesn’t sound like your parents are for changing.

    I think you said you were on your 3rd wedding date now, so that might explain why they’re not asking about the details. Maybe they just can’t see a definite date where they are 100% comfortable to say yes to attending. I can totally understand how it’s taken the shine off it for you, but I do think that (unfortunately) it’s a question of choices for you: go ahead with your current date, and accept the risk that your parents won’t attend due to genuine concerns or anxiety over COVID, or push your date out far enough that the majority of people will be vaccinated and the country opened up.

    Would you consider asking them how things would need to be in order for them to attend. I’m not saying by any means that they should get to dictate your wedding party, but perhaps if you approached it from the point of view of discussing their concerns, it might help.

    It’s not a nice choice. But I can see both sides on this one. I hope you can make a decision that you can come to peace with.


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  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    They're in their early 60s, but have no underlying health conditions. They are absolutely anxious and worried. I understand that. I really do. The problem is, I get no understanding, or even an attempt at understanding, in return. It's not just what they're saying, but how they say it. There is a complete lack of empathy. They don't seem to have any understanding that telling me that they might decide not to come my wedding, would actually be upsetting for me to hear. And don't offer me any sympathy or suggest ways that I could feel like they're still part of the celebrations (e.g. video call on the day or have a tiny outdoor picnic or something another day to celebrate instead - these kinds of thoughts don't even seem occur to them).

    It's really hard when I see so many people older than them happily attending weddings. Our next door neighbours are far older than them and went to their son's wedding on new years eve, when sh1t was really hitting the fan. They were just delighted that they could still go ahead with 25 guests! And my partner's parents are older than mine and have every intention of coming for the day. So it's incredibly hurtful when I compare my situation to other peoples.

    This is already our 3rd date and a year later than originally planned. I have every intention of going ahead in September if it's safe to go ahead with 25 guests. Of course I'd love for my parents to be there, but I can't let that be a deal breaker. If they had their way, they'd want us to postpone indefinitely. They'll just keep changing the milestones of what they're comfortable with. First it's the case numbers, then the vaccines. Tbh even if they get fully vaccinated, I can see them getting themselves into a flap over daily mail stories about people who have been fully vaccinated and got Covid anyway. So there's absolutely no way that I will let them dictate when we get married.

    And there is no guarantee when things will be fully back to normal anyway. Even if we vaccinate everyone in the country, there will still be concerns about variants that make the vaccines less effective. Then we could end up back at square one trying to vaccinated the whole population again.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,653 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    As simplistic as it is, the pain is in the struggle. Your struggle to get your parents interested in your wedding and to commit to attending, whilst 100% understandable and normal, is where the pain is coming from. If you can get to a place of acceptance - acceptance that maybe they're just not interested in your wedding, acceptance that they may not be present - the pain will abate. Right now, it's like a tug of war with your parents, and the harder you pull them to be interested and commit to attending, the harder they pull back with ambivalence and uncertainty. You can stay in this tug of war forever, or you can let go of the rope and focus on things that bring your peace and joy.

    It's not easy, but I find it can be helpful to mentally visualise dropping that rope each time you get tangled up in conversations or thoughts around attempting to exert some kind of control on the behaviour of other people.




  • Is all of this a surprise to you woodchuck or is it who they are? I'll give you an example. My dad has said things like "sure why get married when you are already living with each other", "not getting married in a church isn't a real wedding" and he will leave soon enough after the dinner. That's who he is. I don't pay a blind bit of difference to some of the things he says. He doesn't have Covid anxiety but if he decided not to go then sure lookit.

    I don't have lots of support and a "girl squad". I have two bridesmaids, the maid of honour asked me a few days ago where I was getting married. The other one is in the UK so who knows of she'll be able to make it. I had a third bridesmaid but she pulled out.

    I went dress shopping alone and that would have been the way even if no Covid. I don't have my mam by my side. I don't have sisters or cousins I'm close too.

    There's no fuss being made for me or about me, no excitement from others, no talk about zoom hens and my fiancé and I are doing all the organising ourselves.

    The only thing I have asked of anyone is to return a dress.

    That's just how it is and rather than torment myself wishing it were different I have accepted the people in my life for who they are. I'm not writing any of this to dismiss your feelings and experience but to show that you aren't alone in your situation and that at the end of the day all that really matters is you and him getting married.


  • Registered Users Posts: 125 ✭✭aoife1991


    woodchuck wrote: »
    They're in their early 60s, but have no underlying health conditions. They are absolutely anxious and worried. I understand that. I really do. The problem is, I get no understanding, or even an attempt at understanding, in return. It's not just what they're saying, but how they say it. There is a complete lack of empathy. They don't seem to have any understanding that telling me that they might decide not to come my wedding, would actually be upsetting for me to hear. And don't offer me any sympathy or suggest ways that I could feel like they're still part of the celebrations (e.g. video call on the day or have a tiny outdoor picnic or something another day to celebrate instead - these kinds of thoughts don't even seem occur to them). .

    Woodchuck, would you consider doing a secret registry office wedding with your folks in attendance so you are legally married and they were part of it. You can still go ahead with your celebration in September and wear your dress, have a blessing or a friend do the ceremony but the legal bit would be out of the way?
    Alternatively, maybe your parents just aren't really into weddings? Mine aren't. They are ambivalent enough when I give them updates. Then again, I don't like weddings myself so I didn't lick that attitude of the grass!

    I am in the same boat as Roy Large Revolt. Except I decided not to have bridesmaids, given our wedding is so small that I just felt there was no point. Myself and himself are doing everything. I never wanted a big wedding and I don't want to make a fuss so I am just rolling with it at this point. I have my fingers crossed that we can have 50 guests in October but if we can't, that's fine too.

    Maybe you should seek out some counselling on this Woodchuck? If it is giving you a lot of stress and uncertainty, having someone completely unrelated to the situation may be of benefit to you. Even having someone to listen and vent will help a bit. Your workplace may provide some sessions through EAP. As previously advised, I think we have all had to let go of what we dreamed our big day would be (goodbye elopement in New Orleans) - now is the time to make peace with it and try to enjoy the run up to it.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Thanks for all the nice messages. Sorry again for the rant, I just needed to get it off my chest! I'm feeling a bit better about it all now.

    That's some good advice Faith and I'll do my best to try and take it on board.
    Is all of this a surprise to you woodchuck or is it who they are?

    It's not really surprising, but it's still hurtful. It's not like they don't care, I know they do in their own weird way. But they've never been tactful. I should be used to it, but I'm really not. Their lack of tact and empathy never fails to amaze!

    I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time of it too Diamonds :(
    Woodchuck, would you consider doing a secret registry office wedding with your folks in attendance so you are legally married and they were part of it.

    We have thought about that. But tbh I feel like I'd be doing it for THEM instead of us. And I don't want to organise my whole wedding to suit them. We really want to do it all on the one day and not split up the legal bit and the celebration if we can help it. And sure there's no guarantee that they'd come to a small ceremony anyway, so why bother if we're doing it just for them anyway.
    Alternatively, maybe your parents just aren't really into weddings?

    My Dad definitely wouldn't be, but my Mam is. Whenever anyone (else!) is getting married, she always wants all the details, so I don't think that's it.
    Maybe you should seek out some counselling on this Woodchuck? If it is giving you a lot of stress and uncertainty, having someone completely unrelated to the situation may be of benefit to you. Even having someone to listen and vent will help a bit. Your workplace may provide some sessions through EAP.

    I did actually ring up our works EAP a few months ago after another stressful conversation with my parents about the wedding. It did help a bit at the time and maybe I could try ringing them again.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 860 ✭✭✭UDAWINNER


    I don't know if you or anyone what has a solid answer on this but I noticed from the legislation extract I posted above that it doesn't appear that garden parties are actually legal as it specifies receptions in "premises other than a dwelling". A friend is planning a wedding in their garden so I'm curious as to what the legal situation is.

    If they are, the 11.30 curfew was set by Fáilte Ireland as far as I know so wouldn't apply to a private garden party.

    Be careful with these Garden Party Receptions. I know of one in Carlow and the Gardai were called and people were asked to leave and were given fines as well. Wasn't that many in attendance but they were reported by a fellow neighbour.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,784 ✭✭✭Alkers


    UDAWINNER wrote: »
    Be careful with these Garden Party Receptions. I know of one in Carlow and the Gardai were called and people were asked to leave and were given fines as well. Wasn't that many in attendance but they were reported by a fellow neighbour.

    When was this?

    If it's in line with the permitted numbers at the time, surely it's ok?


  • Moderators, Education Moderators Posts: 7,438 Mod ✭✭✭✭XxMCRxBabyxX


    Alkers wrote: »
    When was this?

    If it's in line with the permitted numbers at the time, surely it's ok?

    The Regulations expressly exclude receptions in a "dwelling" so probably not


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    @woodchuck: I think some people (especially parents, in my experience) are interested in how weddings went, past tense: as in who was there, what did they wear, what was the food like - but not necessarily interested in the lead up to the wedding choices. I have to admit that discussion of food or decor choices would not be something that I would be interested in discussing if the topic came up more than once. Perhaps your parents were happy to discuss wedding details once, but not as dates kept changing.

    It’s clear that you can’t change your parents to want to discuss the details of your wedding. Nor can you change them to have less anxiety about COVID. So all you can do is whatever makes you happy. If that conincides with your parents engaging and showing up, then that’s great. But it’s also very clear that you can’t rely on that. So my take on it is that you should do whatever makes you happy, and try to accept that your parents may or may not participate. It’s not doing you any good to compare your parents to your ideal of what you wish they’d do, or what your other half’s parents will do.

    I do think it would be good to speak to a professional about this; it’s not easy to accept that our parents aren’t behaving in the way that we wish or feel that our parents should.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,201 ✭✭✭jamesbondings


    The Regulations expressly exclude receptions in a "dwelling" so probably not

    Sorry, and I know it's pedantic. But if the guards do arrive, if dwelling is the terminology used then you have a case. Depends on the guard ya get.

    Half tempted to go down to the station to preempt them calling. But then we would be talking them where and when they need to be there 😂😂


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,784 ✭✭✭Alkers


    The Regulations expressly exclude receptions in a "dwelling" so probably not

    Would you have a link by any chance? We've a marquee wedding planned for end of August


  • Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    My parents have no interest in wedding plans either @woodchuck so dont feel alone there. I even live with them and they never ask about it. They don’t even bother remembering the date it is if they are asked. My mother had nothing but negative things to say when it came to choosing a dress, flowers invitations etc she can’t understand why I would need to get all those a things sorted months in advance. She has never offered up a positive joyful response to any of the planning or preparation.

    It’s incredibly disheartening when I see others having fun in the lead up or looking relaxed in the morning preparation photos enjoying a glass of bubbles. I know none of that will exist in my house as the breakfast fry will go on as normal with my mother cleaning and cooking as she always does - it won’t be relaxing or fun. I cancelled the videographer as I know well it will only be embarrassing trying to get her and my father ready on the day. He is worse and hasn’t once asked me anything about it. He only smirked when I got engaged and was secretly delighted I would be leaving. I didn’t even get an engagement card from them, not even a shake hands to congratulate us.

    It makes me incredibly anxious dealing with them I hate when people ask me how the planning is going because they don’t make it enjoyable. My sister also had zero interest so I have no one to talk to about the planning etc. She’s also really awkward about it all and nothing I pick is ever good enough so I don’t bother asking her anymore.

    The day will come and go and I know well it won’t be any way enjoyable, I’m stuck having to ask my family over friends and this add to my sadness and despair over it all. Two families who have never before met will be such a awkward day and no friends band etc has sucked all the fun out of it.

    Your not the only one experiencing problems over the whole thing. We will go ahead regardless and forget about it all and get over it with time I hope.


  • Moderators, Education Moderators Posts: 7,438 Mod ✭✭✭✭XxMCRxBabyxX


    Alkers wrote: »
    Would you have a link by any chance? We've a marquee wedding planned for end of August

    S.I. No. 701/2020 - Health Act 1947 (Section 31A - Temporary Restrictions) (Covid-19) (No. 10) Regulations 2020
    Wedding Receptions
    9. (1) A person shall not organise, or cause to be organised, a wedding reception in a relevant geographical location other than in accordance with paragraph (2).
    (2) A person may organise, or cause to be organised, a wedding reception in a relevant geographical location in a premises other than a dwelling where the person takes all reasonable steps to ensure that the maximum number of persons attending, or proposed to attend, the wedding reception –
    (a) for the period beginning on the 31st day of December 2020 and ending on the 2nd day of January 2021, does not exceed 25 persons, or
    (b) for the period beginning on the 3rd day of January 2021, does not exceed 6 persons.
    (3) For the purposes of this Regulation, in reckoning the number of persons attending a wedding reception, no account shall be taken of -
    (a) the persons getting married, or
    (b) persons so attending in a professional capacity, in the course of their employment, or in fulfilment of a contract for services.

    The only exception I can see is at section 5(2) but that only applies to people part of the same or a paired household:
    (2) An applicable person may organise, or cause to be organised, an event to be held in a dwelling in a relevant geographical location for social or recreational reasons where -

    (a) the dwelling is the applicable person’s place of residence, and

    (b) the person takes all reasonable steps to ensure that the persons attending, or proposed to attend the event (for whatever reason) -

    (i) are part of the same household as the person organising the event, or

    (ii) are part of a paired household in respect of the person organising the event.

    From the Health Act 1947:
    the word “dwelling” includes—

    (a) a part of a house, and

    (b) a temporary dwelling;

    I've looked into other legislation and a garden is definitely considered part of a dwelling. And don't think you could tackle a Guard on it if they don't specifically mention the word dwelling!

    (Never ask a lawyer about legislation :D)


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,201 ✭✭✭jamesbondings



    Jaysus that's grim enough. Considering pubs and restaurants are looking likely to reopen in June.

    Don't even want to show the better half this! Might cause ructions


  • Moderators, Education Moderators Posts: 7,438 Mod ✭✭✭✭XxMCRxBabyxX


    Jaysus that's grim enough. Considering pubs and restaurants are looking likely to reopen in June.

    Don't even want to show the better half this! Might cause ructions

    The Regulations may change by then but that's what they currently are until at least 4 May.

    Also, my apologies, new regulations have been entered into but the rules remain the same.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,617 ✭✭✭votecounts


    From the Carlow border myself and I believe a previous poster was mentioning this.
    https://carlow-nationalist.ie/2021/04/07/file-expected-to-be-sent-to-dpp-over-carlow-wedding-party/


  • Registered Users Posts: 252 ✭✭Goose76


    my hairdresser for the wedding is requesting the hotel provide a long portable mirror in the room so she can do my hair etc - is this normal?


  • Registered Users Posts: 501 ✭✭✭cazzer22


    Hi everyone,

    Just wanted to post about a positive experience to give everyone hope. Had our wedding on the 10th of April and it was just amazing. Had such a lovely day. We shared a virtual invite with all our original guests and they watched on Zoom and YouTube. Almost all our original guests attended and left messages of support, emailed pictures and sent video messages. Having a lovely, meaningful, positive wedding under the current circumstances is still possible. We went to the most beautiful venue in the West Cork area that I would highly recommend. Can DM anyone who would like details.
    We tried to focus on what was possible and tried to put the stuff we couldn't control or make happen out of our minds. Wouldn't change a thing and brought a lot of positivity to such a challenging time for everyone.
    X


  • Registered Users Posts: 601 ✭✭✭zedhead


    Just over 2 weeks to go and trying to put together the final to do list.

    • Finalise songs and readings for the ceremony
    • spotify playlist for dinner music
    • get fake flowers for cake decoration & all ingredients/tools needed
    • See who wants to do speeches
    • Order flowers for our mums

    I'm sure there are a million things I am forgetting so any suggestions


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,201 ✭✭✭jamesbondings


    zedhead wrote: »
    Just over 2 weeks to go and trying to put together the final to do list.

    • Finalise songs and readings for the ceremony
    • spotify playlist for dinner music
    • get fake flowers for cake decoration & all ingredients/tools needed
    • See who wants to do speeches
    • Order flowers for our mums

    I'm sure there are a million things I am forgetting so any suggestions

    Are you making your own playlist? there are loads of wedding playlists on potify so we havent actually given it much thought - having recently created a playlist for the gym it takes ages! Dont want to have to do it again


  • Registered Users Posts: 601 ✭✭✭zedhead


    Are you making your own playlist? there are loads of wedding playlists on potify so we havent actually given it much thought - having recently created a playlist for the gym it takes ages! Dont want to have to do it again

    My fiance is much more fussy about music than me. I'd use an existing one with maybe a few additions but he will want more control of it. Some of the music he loves is not my fave so I will probably veto some and add in a few of my own songs.


  • Registered Users Posts: 601 ✭✭✭zedhead


    Any suggestions for a gift for the father of the bride. All of the traditional personalised things wouldn't really be his thing - not much of a whiskey drinker so hip flask, whiskey set is redundant. I was going to get him some socks but i think i need something else - maybe a very nice bottle of wine?


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,784 ✭✭✭Alkers


    zedhead wrote: »
    Any suggestions for a gift for the father of the bride. All of the traditional personalised things wouldn't really be his thing - not much of a whiskey drinker so hip flask, whiskey set is redundant. I was going to get him some socks but i think i need something else - maybe a very nice bottle of wine?

    Is this a thing?


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,595 ✭✭✭Meauldsegosha


    Goose76 wrote: »
    my hairdresser for the wedding is requesting the hotel provide a long portable mirror in the room so she can do my hair etc - is this normal?

    My make up artist asked for a high/bar stool in the room so she could do our makeup. Our hotel had two in the room that morning. No harm in asking your hotel.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    Anyone else finding it hard to shake off the feeling of doom surrounding small covid wedding. I’m back at work and can’t cope with people asking me what the plan is, when I can’t even have a plan made. I’m very short and snappy and now just avoid people and eat my lunch in car.
    I’m so jealous of people who have postponed and envy their happiness and potential future big wedding that people will enjoy.

    Sad I know but it’s all consuming.


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