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Partner lying about whereabouts on night out

  • 14-08-2016 1:12am
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    My partner lied to me about his whereabouts on a night out which has aroused suspicions
    . He had been in town with friends and came home around 5 in the morning. I had been out myself on a night out and got home around 2:30 and when I saw he wasn't home I rang him just to see if all was OK. His phone was off (apparently battery died). It was unusual that he would be out so late and but I wasn't initially concerned as I thought maybe the night got away from him as it can do and that his battery died but i started to get a bit worried as the hours ticked on and he still wasnt home. I had an uneasy feeling in that it would be out of the ordinary for him being out so late and with not being able to contact just worried me slightly. I know this shouldn't automatically spell anything foreboding in itself but I had this uneasy feeling that something was up.

    When he eventually came home around 5 in the morning I asked where he had been. He said he had been in a residents bar drinking with his friend. I immediately knew he was lying as you don't just get granted access to a city centre hotel residents bar at random. I said this to him and questioned if he knew someone who had been staying in the hotel and that he had went back with them or something. He denied this and insisted his story was true, just him and friend he had been out with blagged way into residents bar. I knew full well that he was lying and his story was not at all plausible. I left it be till the next morning. Before I said anything to him again he said ok I will tell you the truth and proceeded to say that him and his friend had met this girl in a bar in town.

    The story i am told is that the end of the night he became separated from his friend and was left with this girl who was supposedly up in the city centre for the night with her partner and kids who were back in the hotel and she was in a bar by herself. He said he was getting a taxi and she said I'll walk that way as I want to buy cigarettes. She walked with him. He then said she said she could not remember the name of the hotel she was staying and didn't know how to get back to her hotel. He said he walked around town with her to try and find her hotel as he didn't want to leave her in a strange city on her own. They walked to the very opposite end of town to where they had been as she thought this might be the area she was staying. After walking around for an hour and a half to 2 hours they eventually found the hotel which turned out to be quite near the bar they had been drinking in originally and he left her at the hotel and got a taxi home. He told me the whole story as I relayed above and swore that he was being open and honest with me and that this was the truth.

    Alarm bells are ringing in my mind for a few reasons. Number one obviously because he lied to me when he got home. Why lie if it was all so innocent as he suggested?(He said he thought I would think the worst that he was walking around town with this girl for so long and so he thought it best to make up a lie).Ithis hurt that he lied to me, we have an easy going relationship i I am not the jealous type. Secondly, what type of woman drinks in a city centre bar alone until 3 in the morning while her partner and kids are asleep in a hotel, gets so drunk/ disorientated that she forgets where she is staying for the night. Understandable if she forgot the name of the hotel but to think that it is the total opposite end of town only to then end up realising it was beside the bar she was drinking in to being with. As i said to him, even if I believed his story I would have to seriously question his judgement to engage with this type of person. Even for his own safety if nothing else. He said in hindsight and in sobriety he agreed with me but he had quite a bit of drink on board and was not thinking logically.

    He swore again profusely that he was telling me the full story and the truth. I had a choice either to take his word for it and trust him, or not. Fast forward a month or two and we are walking by the bar he said he was in that night where he met that girl. There is a hotel right next door- literally adjoining it. I commented that there's "X" bar and noted that there is a hotel attached to it. I said is that the hotel it turned out the girl was staying in as he had said it was very near the bar he was drinking in that night. He said " I don't know it could be" or something to that effect. I said either it is or it isn't.surely you would be able to say straight away if it wasn't as the first thing I thought was it was literally attached to the bar you had spent the night drinking in so it could be ruled out.

    The answer he gave me and his reaction, going very quiet, his body language made me feel uneasy. I have no proof that anything happened but when i think of it all again the story just does not add up and I just have this gut feeling that I can't ignore that something is not right about the whole thing.I have an overwhelming feeling that I am right in my suspicions and I should follow my gut but all I am going on is a feeling really at the end of the day. I just don't know what to think at this point.


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Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,951 ✭✭✭SB_Part2


    From the beginning you didn't believe a word he was saying. Why was that? You seem to be trying to catch him out on a lie all the time.

    Has he ever caused you to be suspicious before?


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I didn't believe him initially as his story was not one bit plausible and it did turn out to be a lie so I was right in that regard. No nothing like this happened before but then I generally wouldn't question him if he came home late as there would be trust there. We both enjoy nights out without each other and there is no issue there. This night I had an uneasy feeling from the time I got home- this was initially out of concern for his safety as it was late, he was in town travelling home by himself and I couldn't contact him by phone. When he came home and told me a lie then I obviously became suspicious. When he told me the real story i suppose the seeds of doubt had already been sown from the beginning.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    You either trust him or you don't. It doesn't matter what the truth is, if it's not what he tells you then you'll likely never know. If there's no trust, there's no relationship. So time to ask yourself: are you overthinking it (I don't think you are from what you say personally) or is this playing on your mind because it's revealed a real lack of trust there?


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    leggo wrote: »
    You either trust him or you don't. It doesn't matter what the truth is, if it's not what he tells you then you'll likely never know. If there's no trust, there's no relationship. So time to ask yourself: are you overthinking it (I don't think you are from what you say personally) or is this playing on your mind because it's revealed a real lack of trust there?

    Yes I think you hit the nail on the head there and I said similar to him. Either way if he is lying or not the fact that I don't trust him is not good. Trust and honesty in a relationship are so important to me and if it is not there then it doesn't say alot I suppose. It's playing on my mind because of the initial lie. This bothered me more than anything, I can't tolerate lies and would rather hear the worst than be told a lie. This is why I find it hard now to fully believe him as a little bit of trust is gone from the initial lie.
    I did choose to believe him and move on but I suppose I still had a niggling doubt in the back of my mind hence why I questioned him again on the hotel location. His response again created more doubt and I just don't know what to think now.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    You're going to start doing mental things now, asking about the hotel was just the start. Like when you started this story, that 'bad feeling' alone was indication there was a slight trust issue and his actions just exacerbated this. This is eating you up and trying to force a relationship where the trust is gone just makes the lives of everyone involved worse. Might be time to bite the bullet, or at least have the start of that conversation and see if the actual truth comes out then gauge if you can work through it.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    I think he is covering his tracks because he was obviously seen walking the streets with a random woman at all hours and he has concocted a story to tell you should someone ever tell you they saw him.
    Partners of cheaters will always tell you to to trust your instinct. It's something they can't put their finger on but something just seems off. Yours is speaking volumes.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,260 ✭✭✭Irish_Elect_Eng


    I would have a different potential take on this.

    He knows that you do not trust him and would think the worst if he told you the truth that he has bee in the company of another woman no matter how innocently. Then seeing that you did not believe his story, he tried telling you the actual facts and you did not believe that either.

    I suspect that this incident is simply a manifestation of the fact that the trust is long gone in your relationship and that the real question is, can or should either of you continue in this relationship given that there is clearly no trust.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,576 ✭✭✭Keane2baMused


    Twice before I broke up with my ex he stayed out the entire night and only arrived home the following afternoon.

    He blatently refused to say he was anywhere other than work (used to say he slept in the basement as he can get access). He knew it was lies, he knew I knew it was lies (and his family too) but he kept it up. I will say at least your partner has admitted something (whether it's a truth or version of you will never know unfortunately).

    I knew my ex couldn't be trusted before this (previously cheated on me and his long term ex) so it wasnt exactly out of character. Let me tell you though once the trust is gone it's gone. It will eat you up. He was an abusive controlling bully anyway it just took me too long to break free.

    If this guy can generally be trusted and it's out of the ordinary behaviour then I suggest you let it go. If not, turn very fast on your heels and run.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    Twice before I broke up with my ex he stayed out the entire night and only arrived home the following afternoon.

    He blatently refused to say he was anywhere other than work (used to say he slept in the basement as he can get access). He knew it was lies, he knew I knew it was lies (and his family too) but he kept it up. I will say at least your partner has admitted something (whether it's a truth or version of you will never know unfortunately).

    I knew my ex couldn't be trusted before this (previously cheated on me and his long term ex) so it wasnt exactly out of character. Let me tell you though once the trust is gone it's gone. It will eat you up. He was an abusive controlling bully anyway it just took me too long to break free.

    If this guy can generally be trusted and it's out of the ordinary behaviour then I suggest you let it go. If not, turn very fast on your heels and run.

    Why would anyone go out with someone who has a record of cheating ?


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,576 ✭✭✭Keane2baMused


    professore wrote: »
    Why would anyone go out with someone who has a record of cheating ?

    Why does anyone? People change, or so they say!


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  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    His story sounds too concocted and detailed to be the whole truth. Sometimes when people lie they give a very detailed account thinking they are making it more believable. I 100% trusted my husband for 15 years of our relationship. Absolutely trusted him. No reason not to. I would drop him to the pub. I would collect him from the pub. Never in 15 years did I ever doubt him.

    One Friday evening I had dropped him to the pub as usual and gone around town doing various bits and pieces for a few hours, as I normally did on a Friday. Once I was finished, I'd collect him and bring him home or drop him to our local for another few. For the first time EVER he said he was staying around town. He said he had met a few "friends" and was going to hang around. Immediately I knew he was lying. Immediately. "Friends" isn't a word he uses!! I had to collect the house keys from him and when he came out to give them to me I knew by his face something was happening. As I drove home I very nearly turned around to go back, but I didn't want to either, because I didn't actually want to see what I knew was happening. He came home at 3am that night. A week later he admitted he kissed someone that night, and he was in the pub with her, whilst I sat outside waiting for him to come out with the keys.

    You don't have to not trust your partner to be suspicious. I trusted my husband 1000% until he used the word "friends"! That's all it took. He would always come home and go out to the local. Easier to come he with me at that time and have another few pints locally than have to get a taxi home from town later. When somebody you know intimately does something out of character then as their partner you instinctively know something is off. It doesn't mean you don't trust them, or you're checking up on them. I still trusted by husband. I still wanted to believe he had just had a bit of a blow out that one night. I didn't even bring it up with him. I sort of forgot it until he admitted it to me one night.

    You know your partner. You know him better than anyone here and you know when something isn't right with him. You know he's lying to you, and at this stage he is never going to admit the full truth. Now you just need to decide what to do knowing he has lied.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    professore wrote: »
    Why would anyone go out with someone who has a record of cheating ?

    To be fair, if you're realistic about how common cheating is these days, it's difficult to date enough people and not land up with someone who's never, ever cheated. And then you're dealing with if they actually tell you. So do you punish someone for being open about their past or do you take a hardline on cheating and risk someone lying to you (because if you're dating a girl who likes you and tell her you wouldn't go out with someone who cheated and he has, you're now giving her every incentive to lie)? I wouldn't necessarily be put off someone who had cheated in a past relationship, it's a complex issue. Real life isn't black and white, everyone has a past etc. 'Once a cheater, always a cheater' is an interesting discussion that isn't entirely without merit, but it's definitely not 100% accurate.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,006 ✭✭✭Augme


    A few things that jumped out at me

    Why did he lie to you in the first place? To me it's a big worry that he felt the need to lie and that he pretty much knew you wouldn't trust him or his story. That doesn't really say a huge amount about your relationship in the first place. You claim you trust him, are easy going and don't get jealous but I struggle to believe that from what you have written.

    Advice1234 wrote: »
    When he eventually came home around 5 in the morning I asked where he had been. He said he had been in a residents bar drinking with his friend. I immediately knew he was lying as you don't just get granted access to a city centre hotel residents bar at random. I said this to him and questioned if he knew someone who had been staying in the hotel and that he had went back with them or something. He denied this and insisted his story was true, just him and friend he had been out with blagged way into residents bar. I knew full well that he was lying and his story was not at all plausible. I left it be till the next morning. Before I said anything to him again he said ok I will tell you the truth and proceeded to say that him and his friend had met this girl in a bar in town. .

    I honestly find it strange that when your husband tells you a story your immediate reaction is to believe he's lying. Really does seem like there are a lot of fundamental problems is this relationship. At this stage I think the question of whether is cheated or not isn't that important.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,572 ✭✭✭Colser


    LegoFriends nailed it in her post OP..
    The exact same happened to me after over 20years together and I trusted him 100%.Gut instinct kicks in and an awful sickening feeling follows.

    You probably know yourself that the story he told you sounds ridiculous but you'll find yourself trying to believe it rather than thinking about what actually may have happened on that night.The problem is that even when you think you've accepted his story the doubts will creep back again and hit you hard.It's a horrible situation to be in but once the trust is gone everything goes imo. Hope you get it sorted.


  • Administrators Posts: 13,531 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I think people claiming that the OP is somehow at fault for not believing a fairly flimsy lie are being a bit simplistic! People in relationships sometimes know when they're been spun a line. If you live with someone, and you know them and their patterns it's pretty easy to spot something a bit off.

    Saying she knew immediately that he was lying does not mean that the trust is long gone, or that it's clear she doesn't trust him and he felt the need to lie... All it means is he lied (probably because he knew he was in bother and tried to cover himself... Very few people will come straight out with "I met a woman, we'd both had a bit too much to drink and ended up having a bit of a drunken fumble down the back of wherever".) Sometimes people do out of character, ****ty things to the people they love. And then they lie about it. Sometimes the people they are lying to know they are lying! I think its a bit rich to blame her for him lying and implying he lied because he knows she doesn't trust him.

    He probably cheated on you, OP. Or maybe he was very tempted to cheat but didn't. But did spend an inappropriate few hours with another woman. Its more probable that he lied because he knew he was in the wrong. Not because he was afraid of telling you the (innocent) truth.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,006 ✭✭✭Augme


    I think people claiming that the OP is somehow at fault for not believing a fairly flimsy lie are being a bit simplistic! People in relationships sometimes know when they're been spun a line. If you live with someone, and you know them and their patterns it's pretty easy to spot something a bit off.

    Saying she knew immediately that he was lying does not mean that the trust is long gone, or that it's clear she doesn't trust him and he felt the need to lie... All it means is he lied (probably because he knew he was in bother and tried to cover himself... Very few people will come straight out with "I met a woman, we'd both had a bit too much to drink and ended up having a bit of a drunken fumble down the back of wherever".) Sometimes people do out of character, ****ty things to the people they love. And then they lie about it. Sometimes the people they are lying to know they are lying! I think its a bit rich to blame her for him lying and implying he lied because he knows she doesn't trust him.

    He probably cheated on you, OP. Or maybe he was very tempted to cheat but didn't. But did spend an inappropriate few hours with another woman. Its more probable that he lied because he knew he was in the wrong. Not because he was afraid of telling you the (innocent) truth.


    Why else would he lie and make up a story to cover himself? Can't see a good reason as to why he didn't feel comfortable telling her the "real" story.


  • Administrators Posts: 13,531 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    You do realise that the second story isn't the real story either, don't you? I can think of a reason why he'd make up a long convoluted story about his whereabouts until 5am. I'm sure the OP can think of a reason too... And it's nothing to do with her not trusting him. In fact it's more likely he lied to her because he believes she trusts him 100% and will believe his story!


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,006 ✭✭✭Augme


    You do realise that the second story isn't the real story either, don't you? I can think of a reason why he'd make up a long convoluted story about his whereabouts until 5am. I'm sure the OP can think of a reason too... And it's nothing to do with her not trusting him. In fact it's more likely he lied to her because he believes she trusts him 100% and will believe his story!


    Well actually none of us know so don't pretend like you do. What I don't understand is why did he not use that story straight away and why did he feel the need to make up the story about going to the hotel with his friend? Sounds like if he went with that story straight away she wouldn't have believed him either, I don't think that's very healthy.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,576 ✭✭✭Keane2baMused


    Augme wrote: »
    Why else would he lie and make up a story to cover himself? Can't see a good reason as to why he didn't feel comfortable telling her the "real" story.

    You wouldn't believe the absolute tripe some people would come up with to save their skin.

    The more unbelievable sounding the more unlikely it is to be untrue....


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,576 ✭✭✭Keane2baMused


    Augme wrote: »
    Well actually none of us know so don't pretend like you do. What I don't understand is why did he not use that story straight away and why did he feel the need to make up the story about going to the hotel with his friend? Sounds like if he went with that story straight away she wouldn't have believed him either, I don't think that's very healthy.

    Does it really matter if it's healthy or not though if he cheated? I guess it depends on whether you hold the view that it can be justified or not. We only have the OP's side to go by...


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  • Registered Users Posts: 5,006 ✭✭✭Augme


    Does it really matter if it's healthy or not though if he cheated? I guess it depends on whether you hold the view that it can be justified or not. We only have the OP's side to go by...


    It should matter for future relationships. Also important to note if he didn't cheat, which while likely is still not 100% definite.


  • Registered Users Posts: 469 ✭✭Willie Stroker 1976


    Augme wrote: »
    Well actually none of us know so don't pretend like you do. What I don't understand is why did he not use that story straight away and why did he feel the need to make up the story about going to the hotel with his friend? Sounds like if he went with that story straight away she wouldn't have believed him either, I don't think that's very healthy.

    Stop playing Jeremy Kyle and focus on the topic at hand, the OP has asked for advice on her situation, not for people to rate how healthy the relationship is. Your blowing the whole thing out of proportion, for all we know the relationship was perfectly healthy and on the night in question she got a gut instinct about her partners whereabouts. Lets just focus on answering the question the OP asked.


  • Administrators Posts: 13,531 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Augme wrote: »
    Well actually none of us know so don't pretend like you do.

    The OP knows, and she's the only one who matters. In relationships people get gut instincts all the time. And people are always told to listen to their gut. The OP's gut told her that night that he lied. He later admitted he had lied. Her gut then told her he was still lying with the new explanation and his long winded story doesn't sound plausible. For all the detail he gave her at the time, he then wasn't too sure when they actually past the pub/hotel in question. When people lie the story usually changes regularly. Maybe he was in a residents' bar? But maybe it was with this woman and not his mate? Maybe they didn't spend hours wandering around looking for her hotel?

    OP, you have a gut feeling about this. It's going to be difficult to get to the bottom of it because he's not going to volunteer the truth now. The difficulty is in deciding what you should do now. How would you feel if he had cheated? Uncharacteristically cheated? Unlikely to do it again. Would you be willing to put it behind you? Maybe he didn't cheat at all and did just end up going to a residents bar with her? I think knowing he has lied to you is going to eat you up. Like I tell my children, whatever happened, the lie is worse than the truth! If he admitted to whatever it was that actually happened you could deal with it and move on. But refusing to deal with it has you stuck in limbo not knowing what to do now.


  • Registered Users Posts: 306 ✭✭timmy880


    People saying OP has trust issues and is looking for problems are being very harsh IMO. My wife trusts me completely but if I came home at 5:00am, said my battery was dead and said some nonsense that I had been in a residents bar with a mate (which is clearly a lie) then she would be asking what the hell is going on... And tbh, I'd be expecting that!

    As OP has also said, if it was so innocent then why lie stupidly about it? And the story makes little sense. Attached woman on a trip with her husband and kids is out on her own until 5:00am getting drunk with strangers? Seems weird to me.

    Anyway, good luck OP. If it was me, I'd say to my partner how uneasy I'm feeling about the whole story and that I'm worried it's damaging the trust in the relationship. And if the trust is gone, then nothing else matters.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    I mean, yeah, there's always a tiny grain of truth in every lie. So if you want to go full paranoid wth no evidence, what I'm picking up on there is 'hotel' and 'she had a partner' (in other words, it was TOTALLY innocent you can't be offended because she was with someone too!) They're the two random bits of info that keep coming up and stay consistent. Now that doesn't mean he cheated, in fact if he did especially while blathered there's a good chance you'd have picked up evidence like smelling perfume off him etc, but whatever happened was obviously something he felt he had to lie about.

    But the truth is it doesn't matter what the truth is and all that matters is how you feel right now about the lack of trust that's there.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,360 ✭✭✭BetsyEllen


    What the hell is wrong with people, giving out to the OP for knowing her partner is lying? Turning it on her and saying she has trust issues.

    Jesus Christ, when you live with someone you get to know every detail of their personality - it would not be hard to tell when they are suddenly lying.

    OP I would go with your gut on this. It's normally right. You know your partner, no one on here does - trust your instincts.
    From what you've told us, I would be very suspicious too and I think you are absolutely right to have doubts.

    I hate all of this 'Oh my God, you don't trust your partner 100%?? Jesus you are an awful, awful person' kind of carry on.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,142 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    It doesn't sound right to me OP. If he had spent three hours walking around with her and yhen waiting for a taxi he would have come home furious and blabbed the story straight out to you IMO. And as others have said - you know your partner.

    It doesn't sound like he is comfortable with the lying either; he just went quiet when you brought up the hotel recently. If he was totally at ease he would have been more likely to get annoyed with your questions at that point.

    I think you need to sit down with him and tell him that you both know he has lied and it has eroded the trust between you and he needs to start talking truthfully if you've any chance.

    I know that probably sounds terrifying but I don't think you will be able to move past this doubt.

    Good luck. I hope you work it out.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Katgurl wrote: »
    I think you need to sit down with him and tell him that you both know he has lied and it has eroded the trust between you and he needs to start talking truthfully if you've any chance.

    I know that probably sounds terrifying but I don't think you will be able to move past this doubt.

    This.

    I've gone through something similar. This is the best course of action, no matter how scary it may seem. I've come to realise that love isn't enough for a healthy relationship. You need to have complete trust in each other. People have lapses in judgement and make mistakes, but lies hurt so much more. You deserve the truth.

    It's going to eat you up inside unless you hear it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,528 ✭✭✭ShaShaBear


    BetsyEllen wrote: »

    Jesus Christ, when you live with someone you get to know every detail of their personality - it would not be hard to tell when they are suddenly lying.

    I can tell by looking at my partner if he's ABOUT TO tell me a lie, before the words even come out of his mouth! :o Not that they've ever been as serious as the OP's predicament, but to re-iterate what others have said, trust absolutely can be present in full and a person still know when their life partner is telling fibs. When my partner is telling a lie, he'll hold permanent eye contact with me, because he thinks that by looking away or at his phone or the floor etc would indicate a lie. Right before he speaks you can see the cogs turning in his head as he prepares to spit out the rehearsed story :pac:

    OP, you know if he is lying, better than anyone. If you are confident he is still lying, then you really do have no other option but to tell him. This won't go away.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    He's absolutely lying, that story is ridiculous, what actually happened none of us know. I'd say he was walking around with her for a while alright and was afraid he had been spotted so he had to mention that in his story so he'd have a cover.

    To be totally honest in my less mature and slightly younger days I've cheated a few times on a couple of different girlfriends, none of whom deserved it obviously (no one deserves it) and when I'd be talking to my gf the next day I'd always mention something about how I ended up having to walk one of the lads girlfriends home or something if I thought there was even a slight chance of me having been spotted the night before by one of her friends or something like that.

    I'm certainly not proud of it at all but it from judging off my group of friends it's just something some lads seem to do sometimes and think nothing of it (I'd have fallen into this group) and some lads would never do it. I see a few comments about "once a cheater, always one" etc but I wouldn't believe that, I have another girlfriend now that I haven't and won't cheat on, but I've certainly never told her about how I've done it in the past, it would only draw up hassle and I think avoiding that is neccessary sometimes too. I don't doubt that my gf has a few things from her past that she's economical with the truth about aswell because she thinks I might not like it, but to be honest I think that's true of any relationship really.

    But I can tell you that this guy is lying. What actually happened we don't know but that story is at best a very doctored up version of the truth.


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