Not sure where to go from here

bekosaxa · 21-08-2016 3:23am #1

Hi this is a very delicate subject for me, one which i do not know how to really discuss online, but a least its a little easier here than a discussion with people. Im now married 9 months, I love my wife and fully believe she loves me, the problem is sex. We have had sex probably 5 times in the last 2 years. We have had lots of holidays, lots of good times, go out at least once a week, so have a good social life. We get on so well together, I cannot imagine life without her, and i believe she feels the same about me. Im self employed and this girl has done so much for me, backs me to the hilt all the time, even when we have the worst fights. We are together 6 years, and she has always done everything I could ever ask of her in a professional sense, and I for her, we have each others backs all the time. We, I think love spending time together and get on so well, as corny as the phrase is we are the best of friends in every way.

The problem as i say is sex, but its a little more deeper than just that. She knows my past, I have slept with a lot of girls and a few guys. I would not consider myself gay at all as I dont find men attractive, but I have enjoyed sex with guys. She has known this for many years and said she is ok with it, but it does come up in fights, that she does not know how I really feel. I try to reassure her that that side of my life is in my past, and i understand its not easy to just accept that, but at some point thats what has to happen. Sex to me is so important for two people, it connects you in so many ways. Now without this I dont know what to feel, lost, angry, spending all my time in work, up to 18 hours a day, so when I go home she is asleep so it is not an issue, or then just drinking every night until she is asleep. I know the easy answer is to talk about it but she does not want to. She is very shy now when it comes to anything sex related, even when it comes on tv its like, no other way to explain it but, imagine when sex comes on with your parents in the room, thats how i feel like. Im so sick of it but i love this girl so much and not sure what to do. I can not go through the rest of my life from 30 years old and not having sex.

any advice would be great

December2012 · 21-08-2016 8:08am

why have you had sex so few times?

dellas1979 · 21-08-2016 8:30am

Side point, but why do people think when they get married (i.e., legally bound to someone) that it is going to fix problems (missing needs and wants) that were there before?

I genuinely dont understand this.

You need to talk to her. Find out whats going on, in her head. How you feel. And how best to deal with it (if she cant reconcile/figure out what is going on in her head, does she think she needs support from a councellor perhaps).

When people say they "dont know" they always do. Its just getting the answer to come up for them.

LegacyUser · 21-08-2016 2:11pm

It sounds like she's insecure. I know you say she's OK with you sleeping with guys in the past but if she's bringing it up in fights it doesn't sound like that to be honest. She needs to accept that your past is your past, and that many many people's sexual histories involve sex with both genders - the idea they are 'confused' and can't be in monogamous heterosexual relationships is very narrow-minded and damaging. You need to talk to her about this, maybe with a good counselor as has been said.

LegacyUser · 21-08-2016 7:19pm

You are the best of friends, but you are not lovers. It really is that simple. Now you can look at the reality there and make the necessary changes or you could go down the sex therapy route and find out why she is so inhibited and weird about sex. But it doesn't look like it would be easy at all to convince her to do that. You need to be honest and sit down and say you can't go on like this and something needs to change.
Like the above poster I will never understand why men propose and get married to women that are essentially friends and not lovers, is it out of comfort and reliability? A sexless, dependable kind of mother figure to have kids with? They won't have sex with you and won't even discuss it. And then the men wonder why they are miserable when nothing changes after marriage??

Rekop dog · 22-08-2016 2:39am

I assume If she's not getting the satisfaction she needs at home she'll be getting it elsewhere, so probably already gone past the point of rescue. I'm not sure why you went through with marriage with a woman whose almost forced celibacy on you. Chalk it up as experience and move on to someone who respects you more and is more willing to accept your past and not be turned off by it.

beks101 · 22-08-2016 10:50am

Rekop dog wrote: »

I assume If she's not getting the satisfaction she needs at home she'll be getting it elsewhere, so probably already gone past the point of rescue.

Or maybe her sex drive has diminished. Or maybe it was never that high to start with but she did it in the early days of the relationship because that's how it goes. Or maybe she's riddled by insecurities over the OP's sexual history with men and can't get passed that. Or maybe she's simply not attracted to her husband anymore.

OP, it could be any number of reasons that quite honestly, none of us here are in a position to know. You simply need to sit down and have a frank discussion with her outside of the bedroom.

daithi7 · 23-08-2016 9:02pm

I think some people here are being unbelievably harsh on the OP. He quite clearly got married to this woman cos he is devoted to her and she to him like he outlined fairly comprehensively in his post. Yes, there were and are some big issues in their sex life, or lack there of but he must have thought that they would work these out as they go, and that in itself is not at all unusual or unreasonable imho.

Well now is high time to work these out, because outside of the bedroom ye seem to have a good life and relationship together.

However, I really don't understand bringing up that you are heterosexual but have had a few homosexual experiences, big deal really, unless there is something more to this. The latest research that I've heard, indicates that about 80% of people are some way bisexual, on a spectrum of 100% hetro to 100% gay. That of course does not mean 80% have gay sex or even want to, it just means that they can find men (if they are a man), or women (if vice versa) attractive. It's a kind of spectrum thing, with the majority still prefering the opposite sex, so they just concentrate their energies and activities there.

You on the other hand exploreed that part of your make up. That's unusual. You may be bisexual, your wife might have found some comfort in you being bisexual when dating, as you wouldn't be coming to her so often maybe, or maybe now it's a hang up thing for her?, or for you?? or both of you???

Or else it's a huge red Herring....i mean, why even bring it up in context of your wife & lack of sex??? i think it's something bigger tbh, either she doesn't ' trust' your passion, or you don't, or neither of ye do??? big issues for a physical relationship....

My advice, is to have a very constructive and progressively frank discussion with your missus, maybe over several weeks/sessions yourselves first. Try to work it out, cos your relationship otherwise sounds worth saving to me. I think ye'll need therapy, both individual and couple counselling. Get a really good psycho /sexual counsellor e.g get referred by your gp.

I hope ye can find the spark to reignite your physical relationship. If ye can wonderful, if ye can't, you are going to have to be prepared to walk away to try to find a fuller relationship elsewhere maybe and that will require decisiveness and guts. Good luck to you both regardless.

Sapphire · 24-08-2016 5:11pm

All relationships will have sex-dips. It might be down to ill health, people just being busy and letting intimacy slide. Yours though, seems to be longer term. Was she a virgin or inexperienced when you met? Do you think that she loves you?

You need to talk to her to find out what it is first of all. If she wont talk to you then you will get nowhere unless she wants to open up.

Would she be willing to work on this with you if she knew it was something that would end the marriage if she continues to stonewall you on the issue? Does she want kids? Because if you think its bad now, you can forget ever getting a look in when you've done your bit and impregnated her.

LegacyUser · 24-08-2016 5:45pm

Possibly not directly related to your issue but did she ask about your past or did you tell her?
She sounds like the kind that would rather not know based on how you describe the insecurity around sex in general.

Given that you described having sex with loads of sex with girls and guys previously and it's something she brings up, she's clearly not OK with it.

If you've only had sex a handful of times in the last 2 years and it's clearly an important factor for you, I have to ask why you got married at all?

zephyro · 25-08-2016 6:42pm

daithi7 wrote: »

I think some people here are being unbelievably harsh on the OP. He quite clearly got married to this woman cos he is devoted to her and she to him like he outlined fairly comprehensively in his post. Yes, there were and are some big issues in their sex life, or lack there of but he must have thought that they would work these out as they go, and that in itself is not at all unusual or unreasonable imho.

Eh, would it not have made a little more sense to work these issues out (or even establish if they could be worked out) before they committed to each other for life??

daithi7 · 26-08-2016 12:34am

zephyro wrote: »

Eh, would it not have made a little more sense to work these issues out (or even establish if they could be worked out) before they committed to each other for life??

Ehh, I dunno zephyro...do you think it would?

And if you do, how exactly does this change any useful advice you might give the op Now!?

Yellow pack crisps · 26-08-2016 8:55am

You should sit her down and ask her is she happy with a sexless marriage and if the answer is yes then thats your answer. If the answer is no then you both need to put in a huge amount of work and effort and communication to solve this problem. One thing i would say is that from reading similar problems on here it seems to go like this: You have the talk and agree to work on it and then nothing happens and then its two months later and you are back to square one. Dont let this happen. Your wife either agrees to solve this problem with good intentions or don't waste your time as a loving bond between two people needs physical displays of love as much as it does emotional displays of love.

You need to be strong and see improvements on a consistent level or have teh will to walk away as in life happiness is a huge key to it being a successful one. This is not to say you need to give ultimatums or see massive improvements instantly but you do need to see the signs that she is willing to fight for the marriage as you are.

LegacyUser · 26-08-2016 1:43pm

bekosaxa wrote: »

We have had sex probably 5 times in the last 2 years. .....We are together 6 years,.

So for the first four years what was your sex life like? Was it good for four and then suddenly change or has it aways been as it currently is? Did something happen two years ago to make it change - did either of you change jobs or have something emotional or medical happen in your lives?

bekosaxa wrote: »

She knows my past, I have slept with a lot of girls and a few guys. I would not consider myself gay at all as I dont find men attractive, but I have enjoyed sex with guys. She has known this for many years and said she is ok with it, but it does come up in fights, that she does not know how I really feel.

She's known for how long? Since you started dating or later in your relationship? Speaking as a bi-sexual some people can find it difficult to understand attraction to both sexes but in your case you state your not attracted but enjoy the sex which implies you maybe like a rougher sex life then she does. Your comments about how she has become shy about sex may be a result of learning about your past or it may be the result of something that has happened to her.

Frankly the only solution OP is to talk to your wife. You are both grown ups who have entered into a grownup relationship. If you can't communicate then nothing is going to change

I try to reassure her that that side of my life is in my past, and i understand its not easy to just accept that, but at some point thats what has to happen. Sex to me is so important for two people, it connects you in so many ways. Now without this I dont know what to feel, lost, angry, spending all my time in work, up to 18 hours a day, so when I go home she is asleep so it is not an issue, or then just drinking every night until she is asleep. I know the easy answer is to talk about it but she does not want to. She is very shy now when it comes to anything sex related, even when it comes on tv its like, no other way to explain it but, imagine when sex comes on with your parents in the room, thats how i feel like. Im so sick of it but i love this girl so much and not sure what to do. I can not go through the rest of my life from 30 years old and not having sex.

any advice would be great[/QUOTE]

Tsipras · 26-08-2016 4:48pm

Why do you have sex with men if you're not attracted to them? Serious question btw

Not sure where to go from here

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