Is being active on Grindr while dating someone normal?

I'm really bad for this.

Usually all the guys on grindr are either hunting for dick or a boyfriend which I think is really boring. I always start off chatting with a guy and seeing what he's like with absolutely zero goals, if it leads to sex or more relationshippy stuff so be it. I just think it's stupid to pigeon hole guys into whatever you're looking for at the minute because there isn't an infinite supply of them - its good to make friends and have your eggs spread out into different baskets.

This usually ends up in a situation where I'm starting to frequently sleep with one guy and spending a few nights together while it starts to heat up with another guy I was also chatting with. I know, it's messy, I always end up in a situation like it though. I think most gay friendships formed in adult definitely take a sexual turn or at least one party is sexually interested in the other so it's kinda inevitable to come up at some stage.

The reason I delay making things official is because I've seen so many gays call each other boyfriends after two weeks and be broken up after the same length of time. Most my friends are straight and it's really cute to watch them slowly meander into a relationship and that's the kinda thing I want - if the person is right then it's gonna work out. It shouldn't have to be forced or be expected from the beginning that it was always going to be a relationship

AllForIt wrote: »

If I were in a relationship I wouldn't be happy with it at all. I don't do casual relationships or would be into 3sums with someone I'm supposed to love.

I completely agree and I wouldn't be into open relationships either, I think the only grey area is when/how you define a relationship beginning

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

I agree with that too. What I was saying its that sometimes unclear when you are in a relationship at the beginning.

Oh yeah I get that.

I have a gay friend who has been in multiple relationships. As soon as one ends he 'interviews' ppl for another. He actualy used that word, interview. His way of going about things makes we wonder if he ever thinks any of this relationships are the real deal at all. I'm more of a 'all or nothing' kinda guy and am content not being in a relationship.

Point being ppl go about things differently I suppose. But even at the beginning, if I felt after seeing someone only a handful of times I feet the other person is just going along with it, still on grinder - that would put me right off. Especially if the person is not very young were they have already had many years playing the field.

When I was single and using Grindr it was always for dates, I think I used it twice in my entire life for a hook-up, and even then it wasn't a "we've been chatting for 5 minutes and haven't even seen each others face, let's shag!" type hook-up, it was still with a guy that I had been chatting to on and off for a while and got on with and thought "what's the harm?".

For me, if I had gone on a few dates with someone and they were still using Grindr or updating their pics on it, I would get the impression from that that they don't see the two of you lasting or he isn't as interested in you as you might be in him. In my way of thinking, if you met someone, you liked them and thought "there's potential here" then you'd stop looking at other people and dedicate your time into seeing where it leads with them. I wouldn't be going back on dating/hook-up apps and sites to chat to other people or update my details.

This situation has happened to me before and I talked about it to the guy and he was surprised and a little upset at my point of view and said that it's perfectly fine for guys to still have friends on Grindr that they still want to keep in contact with and that we were only dating and not exclusive, so he was free to talk to anyone he liked. Not surprisingly, it didn't last much longer after that with him.

So it seems you can't win, there will be those that say that it is totally fine to keep using Grindr whilst dating someone else, for whatever reason they like, and those that think that once you start dating and want to see where it goes you should stop all that until you know. Why go on dates with 2 or more people and put yourself in the position of liking more than 1 of them and then you have to choose? How do you break it off with someone you like and get on well with, but just not as much as someone else you're also seeing. It's just adding complication on that doesn't need to be there.

I am with my boyfriend now for 18 months (we met on Tinder) and thankfully after we had dated for a while and decided to make it official, we both had revealed to one another that we had never signed in to it again after our first date and actually deleted our profiles after the 3rd date as we had good feelings about where it was going.

I think many people (from my experience having lived in the UK), many people can and do use grindr to make friends. But even at that, friends could also be interpreted as friends with benefits. Including guys in relationships. Some people are cool with open relationships, but I respectfully don't find it my thing.

I met my current boyfriend on tinder and we both decided to delete our accounts shortly after we had gone on dates, saw a lot of each other and realised feelings were mutual. It was clear we wanted to be exclusive.

I think with dating apps, many people see plenty of fish and will keep their options open. While I naturally would be inclined to find grindr a hook up, I noted in England that people would pit 'engaged' and say just friends. But, I think that is the exception rather the norm and never saw that before I moved to the UK on 2017 and when I moved back to Ireland pre boyfriend in 2020.

I think the most important thing is how you define a relationship, to me, going on dates does not mean that you are dating. I know that sounds like a contradiction, but you need to know someone as a person before you can think of them as a partner. It's normal to play the field in the early stages until you know how you feel about him, and when you do toy should make it clear and have the "what are we?" talk.

Tbh I'll probably get flak for this, but when I start chatting with a guy I met on grindr I usually block them on grindr. That way you can do your thing and I'll do mine - no awkwardness when we're both looking for a hookup at 2am.

From the sounds of it, you guys really should not be in this situation. Its only creating resentment and frustration. You're better off to call it a day. This guy already did cross a line because you had the exclusivity tall, that's one chance gone.

When I was single I think I had profiles on every app and website going. The wider you cast your net the more chance you have of catching something! I meant as in a partner, not... ah forget it! Stop sniggering!

Gaydar - Waste of time, no-one really seems to use it any more
Plenty Of Fish - Plenty of freaks more like
OKCupid - Probably the better site, but not a whole lot of Irish users on it
Grindr - Plenty of hookups and mostly headless torsos, blank profiles and pictures of scenery rather than faces
Tinder - It worked for me, and seems to be less hook-up orientated (at least that's my experience of it)

Now having said that, I have chatted to and been on dates with people from all of the above, apart from Gaydar though it almost happened, so everyones experience is unique. Just because one doesn't have a great reputation or track record doesn't mean it won't be successful for someone. Just depends what you're after and the effort you're willing to put in.

I would say that websites are more for those who may be looking for more than just a hookup and the apps are just for instant gratification, but exceptions do happen. There are of course more sites and apps that the above but they tend to be more "for a particular group/taste" and the above ones are the standards that everyone seems to be on in some form or other.

Guys, you've no idea what a relief it was to find this thread.

I was just seeing a lad for a bit and after some great dates, and a lot in common, I did wonder was it my imagination or was his interest a bit elsewhere. I popped on Grindr, felt guilty as hell and wouldn't generally consider myself a suspicious partner. Well he was on it. Just a few days after our last date, we were as intimate as possible and then he was on there nonetheless. I brought it up and he was amazed that I had an issue with it. He ducked and dodged the real point, few people really go there for friendship or chats, they do happen, but rarely. Most people are half naked after all. He finally says he's officially single and can do what he likes. I simply didn't use any apps since we started dating. It's like being hungry, having a good meal, then you are satisfied and don't look for more food. I didn't freak out at him, just raised it. He made it sound like I was the weirdo with big expectations. Glad to see that's not the case. I essentially thought he either wants fun and games, isn't as ready for more as he says, or interest isn't as level, again, despite what he says. Action and speech don't match.

Positively, there so much fidelity here. This really makes me happy! :)

@Rick_ your stories and views felt like a warm hug :)

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