My wife threatened to slit my throat..

LegacyUser · 11-01-2019 5:13pm #1

Hi,

Basically my wife and i have been together for 22 years, married for 10 and we have 2 children who are both in their late teens.

We've been having some problems for a while now. She has always had anger issues and uses me as an emotional punchbag when she's down or upset. I realise that's my reading of it and it's obviously subjective but that's how it feels to me.

I'm no angel but i'm not a bad husband either. I do my fair share around the house, I provide for my family and i'm there for them for anything they need like lifts, chats, advice, support etc. I'm always here and i'm lucky in that I get to hang out with my daughters quite a bit. I have a great relationship with both of them which means the world to me.

I can be a self righteous prick at times and i know this really annoys my wife. There have been other issues over the years but i've addressed all of them now and i've promised to work on being a bit righteous at times.

The things is, my wife's anger seem to have got worse. Much much worse. It's got to the point that no matter what I say or do I get grief, shouted at and called names.

It really came to a head this week when she shouted at me that she would slit my throat. This, for me, was a step too far. I tried to speak to her about it but she played it down, said she was joking etc etc. She was very blasé, made out like it's normal, said that's how she talks and basically get over it.

Meanwhile she rounds on me for the smallest things I might say or do and claims the victim card every time by saying i'm mean, nasty, bullying, angry, cutting, hurtful etc etc. It doesn't matter what i've said or how i've said it, it can be completely innocuous but the reaction is always the same and it's got to the point where it's easier to just not say anything although this is building resentment for me.

Meanwhile she constantly calls me crazy, a cúnt, bully, nasty etc etc. there would be an extraordinary meltdown if i returned the favour with any of those terms but then I wouldn't anyway.

So after all that, my question is, is it normal for your wife to threaten to slit your throat.

Is it something you would accept or is it really crunch time for me and this relationship,

The constant abuse is really killing any love I have and It's starting to feel like it's time to call it a day.

I'd welcome your thoughts..

Thanks.

Sardonicat · 11-01-2019 9:49pm

That would be a deal breaker for me, OP. How old are your girls? How is she with them? What would you be leaving them with if you were to leave without them?

LegacyUser · 12-01-2019 12:37am

It seems a shame to throw away 22 years together.
Obviously there's something deeply troubling your wife. Psychological, hormonal, medical, mental- who knows .
But she needs the appropriate help before you decide whether to call it quits.
Watched a few Tony Robbins videos recently& basically he advocates giving it EVERYTHING you have for 3 months solid, throwing your heart& soul into making the other person feel loved, before then deciding is the relationship salvageable.

LegacyUser · 12-01-2019 12:18pm

How can you make someone feel loved when they are always in a mood and blaming you. There's no going back after threatening to cut your throat.

LegacyUser · 12-01-2019 1:17pm

Ok, it looks like it's time you called it a day. It's clear that your wife resents you. How is your sex life? If it's non existent well the n it's clear that she doesn't want to be in your presence. I had a friend who was in the same situation. His wife finally said she didn't love him any more after 20 years together. 5 o f those years was bullying like you've described above.

fima · 12-01-2019 1:43pm

Absolute deal breaker. Get your daughters away from this unstable woman!

LegacyUser · 12-01-2019 2:55pm

Dealbreak wrote: »

Ok, it looks like it's time you called it a day. It's clear that your wife resents you. How is your sex life? If it's non existent well the n it's clear that she doesn't want to be in your presence. I had a friend who was in the same situation. His wife finally said she didn't love him any more after 20 years together. 5 o f those years was bullying like you've described above.

Thank you all for your replies and perspective.

This post really struck a chord with me as she's been telling me she's not sure if were suited anymore and that she hates me at times. We've both certainly changed a lot so she could be right that we're no longer suited. I would be able to get my head around that but I just don't understand the hate and the anger. Other times she says she loves me and wants to make it work but it never lasts and the next explosion is always right around the corner.

I know she wouldn't hurt our kids and they're young adults anyway so they're not vulnerable in that sense. I don't think she'd genuinely hurt me either but she can lose control when she loses her temper and this threat was a new low.

I think i've just hit a wall in terms of the cycle of anger and rows. Every time we make up I know she's going to kick off again over something else and so making up has slowly become more and more pointless over the years. It's got the point now where i'm just closing off and withdrawing as it's the only way I know how to protect myself.

Anyway, I have a little outside perspective now which is very useful so thanks.

I clearly have some thinking to do.

LegacyUser · 13-01-2019 10:48am

Well if she is saying that if she thinks you're no t suited anymore, the next step for her is to tell you that she doesn't love you anymore or even worse, she may ge t violent towards you.

Call it a day pal, you don't need to put up with this. My friend was scared to do it, but when he finally did he was a new man. He is now the happiest guy ever and met a woman who cherishes him and he always says to me that he should have jumped ship earlier.

You have 2 adult teens so it should be easier. It's just the logistics of how your going to do it. I don't know your circumstances. But for your own mental health get out if you can, because it's painfully clear she doesn't love you anymore.

So start making plans to separate, from reading your posts it doesn't look like it's salvageable.

Best of look...the grass is greener on the other side, you don't need this mental torture because it will never stop.

Best of luck buddy.

TheBoyConor · 14-01-2019 1:00pm

It could be hormones if she is at menopause age.

wiggle16 · 14-01-2019 1:43pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

It could be hormones if she is at menopause age.

Mod warning:

TheBoyConnor,

No, just no. This is not due to hormones or the menopause.

Do not post in this thread again.

Wiggle16

Bigmac1euro · 14-01-2019 1:54pm

wiggle16 wrote: »

Mod warning:

TheBoyConnor,

No, just no. This is not due to hormones or the menopause.

Do not post in this thread again.

Wiggle16

Just reading through and thought this seemed harsh ? I wouldn’t have thought this guy was taking the piss.

wiggle16 · 14-01-2019 2:07pm

steo_magra wrote: »

Just reading through and thought this seemed harsh ? I wouldn’t have thought this guy was taking the piss.

Steo_magra

If you have an issue with a post or a moderator's actions, use the report function. Do not debate it on thread, please.

Thanks

Virgil° · 14-01-2019 2:12pm

OP, make no mistake, you are being abused(It doesn't have to be physical). Get yourself to a competent lawyer pronto who specializes in divorce.

Silently arm yourself to the teeth with everything you need to leave this relationship. Then tell her its over. Also look into talking to a counselor or AMEN about the abuse you've taken. These things can take a hidden toll without us realising it.

Emme · 14-01-2019 3:21pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

It could be hormones if she is at menopause age.

That's no excuse.

It sounds like she has given the OP a hard time for most of their relationship. They have 2 daughters - their safety is paramount. I wonder how she treats them? Also it is not good for the OP's daughters to see their father being treated badly.

14-01-2019 3:24pm

Have you tried counseling?
A threat like this cannot be swept under the carpet.

Muckka · 15-01-2019 5:53pm

The last relationship I was in got abusive, she started throwing things at me and I wasn't going to let her undermine the situation.

I walked away and that was that, it's hard going for a lot of people putting up with ****,and being taken as an emotional punch bag.

I haven't had a girlfriend in 3 year's, and I'm having a great life.
The best thing in life is to be free.

There's no such thing as a hassel free relationship, there's always work to be done.
It's not lonely either, it's an amazing journey getting away from an abuser.
They don't deserve any chance, because these cretins never change.

I had enough of it to last me a lifetime
I was lucky we had no kid's together, dam lucky.

Living the dream now, no walking on eggshells.
No wondering what the fck have I done now.
What mood will she be in.
Things going missing and reappearing, shoes hidden. Fishing gear mysteriously broken.
No golf balls in the golf bag.

Ironically when I gave her the door,all the stuff she nearly convinced me that I was imagining stopped.

You'd come down in the morning and she'd have hidden the milk somewhere, it would reappear half empty in the fridge when I got home.
She went all out to drive me bonkers....

Sometimes it's not worth the hassel...

Sunflower 27 · 16-01-2019 2:33pm

At what point do you say enough,? She is abusive and needs help. You are entitled to a happy life. I'd be out, no question.

AndrewJRenko · 20-01-2019 3:58pm

Start thinking about the practicalities. If you split, will you have to sell the house? Can one buy out the other? Are the girls old enough to be independent or will custody be an issue?

It's difficult to come back from that relationship, even ignoring the throat comment.

Unless there is some fundamental, external issue, like a mental health issue or something behind her behaviour.

Prominent_Dawg · 20-01-2019 4:25pm

<SNIP>

Please don’t debate or argue moderation decisions on thread. If you wish to discuss, please contact the mod directly.

dudara

Prominent_Dawg · 20-01-2019 6:13pm

Prominent_Dawg wrote: »

<SNIP>

Please do debate or argue moderation decisions on thread. If you wish to discuss, please contact the mod directly.

dudara

I just think it’s very unfair to remove everyone’s comment that disagrees with a mod, but leave their comment that disagrees with a posters comment!

wiggle16 · 21-01-2019 4:01am

Prominent_Dawg wrote: »

I just think it’s very unfair to remove everyone’s comment that disagrees with a mod, but leave their comment that disagrees with a posters comment!

Prominent_Dawg

You were instructed perfectly clearly not to debate or argue moderators' actions on the thread. This applies especially when your issue refers to moderators' actions. You believe my instruction was harsh, but you know nothing about any background to that instruction.

If you have an issue with something I have done, feel free to PM me, as dudara has suggested you do.

Any further argument on thread will be actioned. Do not post in this thread again.

Thanks

EdgeCase · 24-01-2019 6:39pm

I think when someone says something like that you have to take them literally. It can be metaphorical, but who knows. Making a threat to kill someone is also a criminal offence.

It's very easy in a long relationship to rationalise and excuse what is horrendous behaviour. It's also very easy to slip into a situation where someone blames you and you try to figure out what you've done wrong because you don't have any perspective.

For me, a threat like that would be a beech of trust to the point that it would end the relationship

She needs to deal with her anger issues but you and yiur kids also do not need to be dealing with the daily impact of someone that unstable.

None of us can really analyse what's going on inside your relationship from a post on here but, I would strongly suggest that you talk it through with family or friends and/or a professional - for example, see if you can get some counselling yourself just to have someone to talk this through with properly. Your GP might be a good first port of call.

What you're describing is domestic abuse.

Midnight Sundance · 25-01-2019 6:40am

It surprises me how many people have advised you to throw In the towel on a marriage of over 20 years without advising going to counselling or at least finding out why there’s such a change in personality and behaviour.
I think your first port of call is to talk to your wife, iron out what’s wrong on both sides and come to an agreement to work on these areas. It might be no harm to go to couples counselling too. There are two teenage girls in the mix here too.
In my opinion they are at a very vulnerable age where hormones etc are messing with them and having stability at home will help them with going through puberty easier.
In saying that, if mammy and daddy are at logger heads 24/7 that’s not good either.
Don’t just throw away the marriage without trying to fix it first . The amount of people that would rather walk away rather than talk baffles me.

jopax · 25-01-2019 8:32am

Hi op
Google narcissist & see if she ticks the boxes, sounds very like one.

FishOnABike · 25-01-2019 8:55am

It might also be worth looking up Borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder. It can often go hand in hand with narcissistic personality disorder.

Whatever the cause there is no excuse for the abusive behaviour you describe.

Ave Sodalis · 25-01-2019 8:55pm

Midnight Sundance wrote: »

It surprises me how many people have advised you to throw In the towel on a marriage of over 20 years without advising going to counselling or at least finding out why there’s such a change in personality and behaviour.
I think your first port of call is to talk to your wife, iron out what’s wrong on both sides and come to an agreement to work on these areas. It might be no harm to go to couples counselling too. There are two teenage girls in the mix here too.
In my opinion they are at a very vulnerable age where hormones etc are messing with them and having stability at home will help them with going through puberty easier.
In saying that, if mammy and daddy are at logger heads 24/7 that’s not good either.
Don’t just throw away the marriage without trying to fix it first . The amount of people that would rather walk away rather than talk baffles me.

The time for professional help was when he realised she had anger issues, or even when those issues escalated. Threatening to slit his throat has gone way too far. This, along with the name calling and the victim playing, is abuse. This situation has gone way beyond fixing.

I've unfortunately known more than one person who had parents in an unhealthy relationship. Any house I've been in where the parents are living together despite hating each other, things improved for everyone when the parents split up. Having separated parents is considerable better and healthier for children than living in a toxic environment. It's more than "not good" to have to stay in a house like that.

My wife threatened to slit my throat..

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