Jokes thread

my god the heartlessness of it all

no way i am so over you

your lies dont bother me any more, go find some other poor soul to torment

ste took it

....but ste claimed you sent him to collect it ??

Little Johnny come home from class and his mother is having a bath. Johnny goes upstairs to say hello and was surprised to see his mother nude for the first time.
'Mammy' he said pointing at her breasts, 'What are they called and what are they for'
'They are called breasts and they store milk for little babies'
'I see', says Johnny, 'and what are they for', he says pointing to her nipples
'They are called nipples and that'e where tha babies milk comes out'
'Oh, and what is that for', says Johnny pointing at her genitals
Embarrased the mother says, 'Oh, thats were your Daddy hit me with the axe by accident'
'Jeez', says Johnny, 'He got you right in the Gee'

brianw25 wrote: »

hey peeps... tell me if u think this is a funny story ok....true story as a matter of fact.. picture that like.......

right here it goes...

bout 2 yrs ago went to play a game of ptich and putt , realised i had no golf balls ... feck sake like ya no .. anyway like went in town to buy some, grAND ol bargain... 6 in a box for a fiver say RIGHTTTTTT...

off i went anyway to the club again, all set for an ol GAMEEEEEE .. put the ball dwn and hit in sign of the ball , so i siad i try again , another ball gone and a 3rd an all.. so f)ck it i say there must be sumtin wrong here.. had a walk anyway saw sumtin on the grass.. a piece of the ball imagine...so jesusssssss i said i better look at the box etc... anyway they werent golf balls at all...


they were repilica golf balls made out of soap .

Methinks that's classic

Chris Tarrant asks Wayne Bridge, "For £64,000, what is the colour of Vanessa Perroncel's pubic hair? Is it, A - Brown, B - Black, C - Blonde or D - Ginger"

Wayne replies, "Can I phone a friend?"

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead.."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir.. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe the Pope has made it legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case..................... kiss me, Hardy."