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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #3932
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users Posts: 1,452 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    Birthdays are good for your health. The more of them you have, the longer you'll live.


  • #3933
    blueskys
    Registered Users Posts: 164 ✭✭blueskys


    There's only 2 or 3 motown bands i really like...well maybe 4 tops.


  • #3934
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 7,993 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    blueskys wrote: »
    There's only 2 or 3 motown bands i really like...well maybe 4 tops.

    I ordered a diana ross special pizza from 4 Star last nights, and all that was delivered was a thin and crusty supreme.


  • #3935
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    W H Smiths are doing a third off selected titles.

    I've just bought The Two Musketeers

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3936
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Anyone want any old copies of Chiropractors Monthly?

    I have a load of back issues

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3937
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,665 ✭✭✭Worztron


    I asked a German if he knew what the square root of 81 was. He said no.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #3938
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,665 ✭✭✭Worztron


    Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #3939
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My good mate Bob just told me he’s been brought back from furlough and is returning to work at the local sewage plant.

    He said he’s looking forward to seeing all the old faeces again.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3940
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I said to my wife that I was sick of that guy from next door saying the he had bedded every women in this street apart from one.

    “Oh!” She replied, “That will be that stuck up cow from no. 7”.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3941
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 7,993 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Rang a takeaway and asked ‘do you deliver’. They replied no but we do lamb, chicken and fish’.


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  • #3942
    TheBody
    Registered Users Posts: 5,619 ✭✭✭TheBody


    For all you people who can't stand musical puns:

    You have my symphony.


  • #3943
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,215 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Im baking bread every day this week..

    Roll on Friday ..
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • #3944
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was in the sweet shop yesterday.

    I said to the assistant, "Do you do Twix?"

    He said, "Well, I'm quite weasonable on a twampoline."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3945
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,215 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    One way or another, im going to have to stop with my Blondie obsession ...
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • #3946
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Great news!! I’ve finally sold all my glove puppets.

    A collector phoned and offered me €300 to take them off my hands..

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3947
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,339 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    I find it hilarious that Monkey Socks posted that. ^^^


  • #3948
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,339 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...
    But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


  • #3949
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,339 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther. He says the correct term is steamroller operator.


  • #3950
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,339 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    My roommate says our house is haunted. I've been living here for 300 years and i haven't noticed anything.


  • #3951
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,339 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    We cannot allow this year to end, that would be admitting that 2021.


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  • #3952
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you get if you cross a Cocker Spaniel with a Rooster and a Poodle?

    A Cockerpoodledoo.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3953
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    New Home wrote: »
    My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther. He says the correct term is steamroller operator.


    The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3954
    trashcan
    Registered Users Posts: 3,906 ✭✭✭trashcan


    Never let Sean Connery teach your dog to sit.


  • #3955
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 7,993 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Reading a Riveting book about an immortal dog. Impossible to put down.


  • #3956
    DopeTech
    Registered Users Posts: 6,754 ✭✭✭DopeTech


    My favourite one liner has to be:

    Filled the escort with Diesel.......... She died.


  • #3957
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 7,993 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Halloween is going to be weird this year as people will be more scared if you don’t wear a mask.


  • #3958
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I went to a very loud 60's disco last night.

    Just as I was leaving the police turned up, which is odd as they were an 80's band.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3959
    trashcan
    Registered Users Posts: 3,906 ✭✭✭trashcan


    I was pleasantly surprised recently when the Revenue Commissioners wrote to tell me that my tax return was outstanding. To be honest I can't even remember sending it in.


  • #3960
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A photographer was killed in a freak accident today.

    Whilst trying to take a group photo a giant lump of cheddar fell on him .....bystanders said people did try to warn him...

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3961
    RayCon
    Registered Users Posts: 4,835 ✭✭✭RayCon


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    I went to a very loud 60's disco last night.

    Just as I was leaving the police turned up, which is odd as they were an 80's band.




    "I went to seafood disco last night ...... pulled a muscle" (c) Tommy Cooper.


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