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Fiancee does not seem overly interested (Mod note added to first post)

  • 20-06-2019 1:40pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 73 ✭✭helen87


    So my hubby to be does not seem to be very interested in the wedding. Anytime i suggest something about it he agrees with me or gives feedback but never seems to be overly interested.
    i have asked him about it and he says he wants to get married and that he will look into it 'soon' but nothing ever comes of it.
    Are there other couples out there where one person more or less did everything or is it usually a more equal divide?

    Edit: Mod note added at 08:55 on 21/06/19

    Mod note: This is a good discussion, and I’m happy to leave it run but please let’s keep it on topic and relevant to the OP. Sexism, what we did in the 90s, how much you hate weddings etc - please leave it all out. This thread is about organizing a wedding in the next couple of years so let’s assume that the OP would like replies relevant to that, and it’s generally against the charter to use this forum to bitch about how much you hate weddings/how formulaic they are etc. We will delete posts that are not relevant to the OP going forward.


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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 7,593 ✭✭✭theteal


    Sweeping generalisation here but blokes really don't care about this stuff. I got involved but I was definitely to a much lesser extent than MrsTeal.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,259 ✭✭✭dinorebel


    theteal wrote: »
    Sweeping generalisation here but blokes really don't care about this stuff. I got involved but I was definitely to a much lesser extent than MrsTeal.

    This


    I was the same just nodded the head and agreed with everything.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,617 ✭✭✭votecounts


    Only speaking for myself and other men that i Know, a lot just nod along and leave a lot up to the wife to be.
    No Groomzillas:D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,121 ✭✭✭amcalester


    Agreed.

    As long as it comes in under budget I’m not overly bothered as long as there’s no “notions” introduced.


  • Registered Users Posts: 76 ✭✭citygal93


    helen87 wrote: »
    So my hubby to be does not seem to be very interested in the wedding. Anytime i suggest something about it he agrees with me or gives feedback but never seems to be overly interested.
    i have asked him about it and he says he wants to get married and that he will look into it 'soon' but nothing ever comes of it.
    Are there other couples out there where one person more or less did everything or is it usually a more equal divide?

    I can somewhat agree (I definitely have more of a "vision" of the day than my partner) however I've asked him to take charge of things I know he'll have an interest in/won't mind doing. So because he does photography as part of his job, I've given him free reign on photography & videography. I've also given him the job of booking rooms in the nearby hotel as I'm just not interested in that!


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  • Registered Users Posts: 546 ✭✭✭fleet


    helen87 wrote: »
    Are there other couples out there where one person more or less did everything or is it usually a more equal divide?

    Whomever wants a wedding should organize it and be grateful their partner doesn't object to the hassle and cost. If both were interested there would be clashes in taste, and if neither were interested then why bother with anything more than a BBQ and a few bottles of wine?


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,586 ✭✭✭victor8600


    Surely, the wedding is something to endure until the honeymoon. Make him interested. Two ways -- make it a game, or make him frightened. Ask about what he wants to do for his stag party. Propose that you organize the stag party and invite his friends (as you see fit). I am sure that a threat of a nice quiet party somewhere in Midlands with friends that you like will jolt him into action. Then ask him if it would be gas to make his most annoying friends talk about his childhood mishaps at the wedding lunch. Ask him who he wants to see as your bridesmates? Etc.

    Also have a task list prepared for the time when he actually want to do something.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    I think the key is to find the areas that each person feels strongly about and then work from there.

    When we were planning, I genuinely couldn't have given a fig about the flowers but I really wanted a particular suit style. I was obsessed with making sure the ceremony was perfect (tbh i wrote most of it myself) but my wife didn't really care about what was in it, so long as we ended up married (shes not terribly romantic in the traditional sense :pac:)

    I hate to comment on gender lines (especially since as a same-sex couple, it's kinda pointless for us!) but in general I have found that women tend to care a bit more about the minutiae of the day, and guys tend to care about the fact they'll be married at the end. Like, my brothers and my dad couldn't have cared less about our plans for the day, but my wifes almost all-female family were into everything :rolleyes:.

    You could start by tell him that you can't organise everything on our own and will need his help, so what things would he like to take on as responsibilities. You might find he actually cares about the photographer and the band, or he has a firm idea of what kind of colours he'd like to wear but he doesn't want to look stupid by starting the conversation. Maybe he's a whizz at spreadsheets and tracking things.

    And tbh, if he doesn't care and won't engage then just honestly organise they day the way you want.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,539 ✭✭✭The Specialist


    Same as the lads above, my wife was 100% focused on the planning and everything to do with the day - I chipped in when asked for opinions etc but mostly just nodded along with whatever was being suggested.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,042 ✭✭✭Wabbit Ears


    personal opinion alert:
    We dont really have a say anyway, ye think your asking us a question but we know you just want your decision validated.
    We haven't obsessed about the finer details like ye have since you were 6 or so.
    99% of the questions you ask we really dont care about in the slightest.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    Generally guys aren't interested in weddings. many guy friends of mine bemoan the fact that they have to attend weddings as it is just a day off work, stress, expense, and having to be social with many people you don't know or in some cases not even like that much.

    Another thing is videography. Take good wedding photgraphs, fair enough. They will be on the wall for years. But as for the video, don't fret over it. Nobody ever watches it anyway.
    I remember being sat down to watch my sister's wedding video. Christ, I was there!!
    Why would i need to watch it on DVD?


  • Registered Users Posts: 21,224 ✭✭✭✭ELM327


    Once my suit is nice and it doesn't cost too much as a whole, I can't see myself having much else to do with it beyond picking the cars!


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,496 ✭✭✭irishgrover


    Before I proposed I did the following...
    1. Bought the ring
    2. Picked a date
    3. Booked the church
    4. Booked the hotel
    5. Picked the menu
    6. Booked the wedding band.

    I did all of this, not because I am a control freak, or because I'm mad into wedding planning. I did it solely to avoid the next year of my life having discussions about menus, hotels, bands etc
    Obviously my wife was then and still is in charge, and was free to change whatever the hell she wanted to. ..

    Many men are just not into the details of wedding planning. There is a big difference in not being interested in a wedding and not being interested in a marriage...


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Both of us found organization a chore but we both cared about certain elements. There is a difference between not caring about colour of napkins but certain things like seating arrangement or who to invite need to be agreed by both. We kind of muddled through and hired planner but I liked the approach two of my friends had. Husband got email with a list of tasks he had to do every week. Whatever wasn't done was added to next list because some stuff has to be agreed by both.


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 21,637 Mod ✭✭✭✭helimachoptor


    Gotta go with the stereotype here
    "i dont mind" and "whatever you want to do" were frequent responses when myself and Mrs Heli were getting married.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 23 mistermaster


    Just got married myself last October. This time last year, my wife would have been saying the same thing as OP here, that I just didn’t seem interested. That wasn’t the case. It’s not that I wasn’t interested – it’s just that I wasn’t as interested as her, and so I decided early on to just take a back seat and let her on with it as regards most of the arrangements. Might seem the easy way out, but to me it was preferable to me actually having a view on something that might be different to her own, and we ending up having a row over it.

    Like somebody else said above, just because we men don’t seem too interested in the wedding itself doesn’t mean that we’re losing interest in getting married.


  • Registered Users Posts: 234 ✭✭seasidedub


    It's funny reading the replies! When I got married it was in jeans, half an hour booked at the reg office and we went there on his motorbike. I'm a woman and I know I'm a crunch, but weddings just seem like a huge waste of money to me. I can't get over the amount people spend on one day. But, up to them.

    Seriously op, if it's just a case of typical male disinterest- grand.

    But if he shows no interest in being pinned down on a date or just kind of wants to ignore the whole subject- maybe a gentle chat as to whether he really wants to get married??


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,158 ✭✭✭facehugger99


    Before I proposed I did the following...
    1. Bought the ring
    2. Picked a date
    3. Booked the church
    4. Booked the hotel
    5. Picked the menu
    6. Booked the wedding band.

    Imagine if she'd said 'no'.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,167 ✭✭✭B-D-P--


    Marriage is not just for a day, He wants to marry you, but prob doesn't care of the specifics of a party.

    So many women thing being married is all about the party.


  • Registered Users Posts: 56 ✭✭mcginty28


    Before I proposed I did the following... 1. Bought the ring 2. Picked a date 3. Booked the church 4. Booked the hotel 5. Picked the menu 6. Booked the wedding band.


    that's mental and sounds like a control freak to me.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,666 ✭✭✭irelandrover


    How long have ye actually been engaged? Maybe he is not yet interested as it seems so far away.
    He had a while to plan the engagement so maybe he wants to enjoy being engaged before immediately start planning a wedding.


  • Registered Users Posts: 165 ✭✭Kenny B


    helen87 wrote: »
    So my hubby to be does not seem to be very interested in the wedding. Anytime i suggest something about it he agrees with me or gives feedback but never seems to be overly interested.
    i have asked him about it and he says he wants to get married and that he will look into it 'soon' but nothing ever comes of it.
    Are there other couples out there where one person more or less did everything or is it usually a more equal divide?

    I'd say he's having an affair,


  • Registered Users Posts: 132 ✭✭red petal


    I must be the odd one out here but I would have no interest in getting married if he wasn't interested. Not because I'm spoilt, probably the opposite. I wouldn't care for a big fancy wedding inviting people we don't see. If it's a big day for you both and costing a decent amount, I'd want to think an ounce of interest or opinion as opposed to being a lap dog being told what to do.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,259 ✭✭✭dinorebel


    Kenny B wrote: »
    I'd say he's having an affair,

    With a wedding planner.


  • Registered Users Posts: 234 ✭✭seasidedub


    How long have ye actually been engaged? Maybe he is not yet interested as it seems so far away.
    He had a while to plan the engagement so maybe he wants to enjoy being engaged before immediately start planning a wedding.

    What does "enjoy being engaged"mean?


  • Registered Users Posts: 43,017 ✭✭✭✭SEPT 23 1989


    I picked out the suit and turned up on the day


  • Posts: 14,344 ✭✭✭✭ Clayton Sticky Tendon


    I'm a photographer and have to say I've also noticed the stereotype to be fairly true, that the woman is pretty much celebrating herself, and the man is invited along to it.

    Obviously that's not always the case, but more often than not I've seen that the man takes no heed at all in what's going on, or when they do, they tend to get shot down and the bride to be just does whatever she was planning anyway.

    Most of the grooms I encounter seem to be on finance-control duties. Making sure it doesn't get out of hand too much, but at the same time, keeping everyone relatively happy.

    Most men (and indeed a lot of women) I encounter are more interested in downplaying the wedding day and instead would prefer to splash the cash on the honeymoon, a car, or towards the mortgage on the house.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,641 ✭✭✭Teyla Emmagan


    So you either organise the whole thing yourself OP, you find a bridesmaid who is mad into it, you let your mother do it, or you elope.

    Realistically it could be a lot worse if he actually was into it.

    The marriage is what counts, not the wedding.


  • Registered Users Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    I think the stereotype is true, and mainly because one's wedding day is hyped up from when you're a child, imagining all of the things you'll do and wear and say ... for women.

    Men experience no wedding hype growing up. Men don't plan their wedding at all until they decide to get married. So it's about as exciting as planning a birthday party. It is not the realisation of something they've been thinking about for years.

    If he seems disinterested, it's because he has no opinions about the minutiae of the event.

    I say that in the broadest sense. Some men are all into it and love it. Some women couldn't give a ****. But they're the outliers. Most men would be happy enough to be told by their fianceé, "We're getting married in location X at 10 o'clock on Y date, and then going back to Z hotel. Wear a suit and don't be late".

    Grand, job done.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 234 ✭✭seasidedub


    I'm a photographer and have to say I've also noticed the stereotype to be fairly true, that the woman is pretty much celebrating herself, and the man is invited along to it.

    Obviously that's not always the case, but more often than not I've seen that the man takes no heed at all in what's going on, or when they do, they tend to get shot down and the bride to be just does whatever she was planning anyway.

    Most of the grooms I encounter seem to be on finance-control duties. Making sure it doesn't get out of hand too much, but at the same time, keeping everyone relatively happy.

    Most men (and indeed a lot of women) I encounter are more interested in downplaying the wedding day and instead would prefer to splash the cash on the honeymoon, a car, or towards the mortgage on the house.

    Silliest thing I ever heard was a person known to me who wanted to buy in their preferred area but also.wanted a splashy wedding. The couple ended up buying outside of the preferred area and had the wedding. Their choice, but I couldn't get my head around it. A day versus living in your preferred area. Wow.


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