The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

joeguevara · 18-10-2019 10:01pm

When did Susan Boyle become spokesman of DUP?

RobMc59 · 19-10-2019 4:33pm

I'm sick of people knocking on my door looking for donations....Just had a woman from the sperm bank...Boy,did I give her a mouthful..

RobMc59 · 20-10-2019 10:50am

I found answering the door naked helps deter trick or treaters..oh,here we go again,two dressed as policemen...

Edgware · 20-10-2019 1:04pm

I've had no problem since the year I gave them all laxative chocolates as a treat. You should have seen those kiddies run

chewed · 20-10-2019 2:41pm

What does John Bercow have with his cocktails?

HOOOORRRS D'OEUUVVRRRES!

RobMc59 · 20-10-2019 3:30pm

I went into the cake shop and said to the baker:
"How come all your cakes are €1 apart from this one which is €2?"
He said"because that's Madeira cake!"

blinding · 20-10-2019 3:32pm

RobMc59 wrote: »

I went into the cake shop and said to the baker:
"How come all your cakes are €1 apart from this one which is €2?"
He said"because that's Madeira cake!"

So thats how he makes his Dough .

ArnoldJRimmer · 20-10-2019 3:42pm

Two old Glasgow women are walking past a bakery window

One says to the other, 'Is that a cake or a meringue?'

Other says, 'Naw, you're right, thats a cake'

tayto lover · 20-10-2019 3:54pm

ArnoldJRimmer wrote: »

Two old Glasgow women are walking past a bakery window

One says to the other, 'Is that a cake or a meringue?'

Other says, 'Naw, you're right, thats a cake'

Billy Connolly.

Buford T. Justice XIX · 20-10-2019 7:47pm

https://twitter.com/BetteMidler/status/1185574372012109824?s=19

byrner88 · 21-10-2019 12:05am

I don't understand the point of lap-dancing clubs.

If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I'd stay at home with the wife.

Mehaffey1 · 21-10-2019 1:26am

Another clanger popped into my head there as I was falling asleep.

How come Harry Houdini and many other famed escapologists never married?

No woman could ever tie them down.

Bob Harris · 21-10-2019 8:02am

Mehaffey1 wrote: »

One I came up with on work on Friday, a bit specialist and deserves a spot in this thread in my own opinion.

What did Bruce Springsteen exclaim after catching a glimpse of himself in a mirror at a Halloween costume party?

Is that me baby, or just a Brilliant Disguise!?

Mehaffey1 wrote: »

Another clanger popped into my head there as I was falling asleep.

How come Harry Houdini and many other famed escapologists never married?

No woman could ever tie them down.

I hope you're writing these down.

Mehaffey1 · 21-10-2019 10:33am

Bob Harris wrote: »

I hope you're writing these down.

Writing them down so I can use them for my stand up

Capt'n Midnight · 21-10-2019 8:18pm

Only one more Brexit delay till Christmas.

21-10-2019 9:05pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Only one more Brexit delay till Christmas.

Which Christmas??? :P

New Home · 21-10-2019 9:05pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Which Christmas??? :P

The next one (I'm pretty sure they'll ask to have that postponed, too...).

Capt'n Midnight · 21-10-2019 9:32pm

Only one more Brexit delay till Christmas.

valoren · 23-10-2019 5:37pm

A ten year old girl was at the centre of a custody battle in a UK court case last week. Child protection services testified that the girl’s parents beat their daughter and argued that the girl be placed into the custody of her paternal grandparents. The judge was in agreement but observed that the girl began weeping. He summoned her to approach the bench and asked why she was crying. Through her sobs she said that her grandparents beat her too. In a compassionate move he had it noted that he would order that the child be placed into the legal custody and guardianship of whomever she chose and after asking her formally to decide, she quietly said "Manchester United". The Judge, taken aback, asked why to which the girl replied "Your honour, they can't beat anyone"

M.T. Cranium · 23-10-2019 11:24pm

To be safer, she should go with the Canadian rugby team, they won't ever beat anyone and they will offer extra help.

GBX · 24-10-2019 7:50am

Someone just rang my phone, sneezed, then hung up..

I hate these cold calls

kildare lad · 24-10-2019 8:19am

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasoreass

frag420 · 24-10-2019 8:32am

kildare lad wrote: »

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasoreass

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotapuss

kildare lad · 24-10-2019 8:33am

Paddy English man, Paddy Scots man and Paddy Irish were caught by the germans in WW2 . They were sentenced to get 50 lashes across the back . The German soldier doing the whipping felt sorry for them and let put something across their back to ease the pain .
Paddy Scots man , said he didn't feel pain and to get on with it.
Paddy English man , wanted oil on his back to take the sting off.
The German then asked Paddy Irish man , what do you want on your back to ease the pain.
Paddy Irish man replied " Paddy English man "

kildare lad · 24-10-2019 8:46am

Atheism is a non prophet organisation

Up Donegal · 24-10-2019 8:49am

And then there was the Sligo baker who wrote poetry in his spare time...his name was W.B. Yeast!:D

Suckit · 24-10-2019 5:29pm

A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a f*cking current account.”
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”
The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.
The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no f*cking problem” the man says. “I just won €200 million in the damn euromillions and I want to put my f*cking money in this damn bank.”
“Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, sir?”

bonzodog2 · 26-10-2019 9:13am

Mr H was pulled over by the cops. Do you know how fast you were going?
No, but I know exactly where I am.

You were doing 80mph sir.
Bugger. Now I'm lost.

byrner88 · 31-10-2019 1:57am

This trend of getting into the spirit of Halloween seems to be catching on.

I went to McDonald's earlier, and they had a bunch of zombies serving.

byrner88 · 31-10-2019 3:14am

Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 97, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and live insects in the windows and a skeleton on the sofa.
She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer. I'll pop back tomorrow!

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Comments