Broek up with bv a months ago, now found out in pregnant

Jenneke87 · 16-09-2020 4:01pm #1

Pretty much like the title says. I Don 't know long...I Don 't even want children, We weren't even trying..I thought we could make a clean break. I really Don 't want to raise a child with this man, or one at all. I just dont know anymore...

Princess Calla · 16-09-2020 4:12pm

Get in touch with a crisis pregnancy service (hse, we'll woman clinic etc)

Talk it out and look at your options.

If you 100% know that you don't want a baby have a termination, if that's what you want.

Best of luck. Be kind to yourself.

Jenneke87 · 19-09-2020 1:41pm

Thanks for your response.

I know termination is an option, but it's a hard one for me. When I was in my early twenties I had (much to my shame) three other unplanned pregnancies. They were my own fault, I wasn't always precise enough with contraception. They had to be terminated because I suffered with extreme forms of morning sickness, resulting in extreme dehydration and weight loss and my body just shutting down, the second one nearly costed me my life. Doctors were extremely worried and feared massive complications. This time-don't ask me how- physically I am fine, I haven't vomited once, just fatigued and hot and cold flashes but other than that I'm fine. But I feel that because I'm not (yet) extremely sick this time I've lost my only reason for termination. I have space for a child, I think I would manage financially, but I just don't see myself as a mother, I don't have a maternal bone in my body. When I see a child having a meltdown in a supermarket all I can think is " that is my future". I wonder how badly my body will be ruined after I've given birth, about the fact that I'll have to stay in touch with my ex, when I really don't want to, about the fact I'll have no support as my family lives abroad, I don't have any friends. I fear the complete lack of freedom, lack of sleep (knowing that that makes me verbally aggressive and that I will take it out on my child), I just can't see any positive. I don't want an abortion, I also don't want to be pregnant. I just feel completely lost, all I can do is cry and have regular panic attacks..

Loveinapril · 19-09-2020 1:47pm

Have you contacted an impartial crisis pregnancy organisation? I read your previous posts on your ex and it certainly doesn't sound like that would be an east relationship to have to manage for the rest of your life so you really need support in making your final decision.

Jenneke87 · 19-09-2020 1:51pm

Yes, I'm in touch with them and seeing my GP on Monday as I don't know how far along I even am at this point.

eviltwin · 19-09-2020 3:06pm

I wouldn’t let you past influence this decision. It’s not like you get to have a certain number of terminations and then no more. Every situation is different and you have nothing to feel ashamed about. Best of luck xx

December2012 · 19-09-2020 6:37pm

I can appreciate that your past was very difficult. However, you need to make the best decision for you now. A person can have as many terminations as they need or want for any reason. Your reasons are just as valid.

99nsr125 · 19-09-2020 6:40pm

Princess Calla wrote: »

Get in touch with a crisis pregnancy service (hse, we'll woman clinic etc)

Talk it out and look at your options.

If you 100% know that you don't want a baby have a termination, if that's what you want.

Best of luck. Be kind to yourself.

Please don't do this without talking to the father

It's his baby too

For all you know he may be delighted to have a daughter or son and be only too willing to raise the child on his own

Foweva Awone · 19-09-2020 6:42pm

99nsr125 wrote: »

Please don't do this without talking to the father

It's his baby too

For all you know he may be delighted to have a daughter or son and be only too willing to raise the child on his own

Sure, so long as he's willing to carry it, along with experiencing all of the health complications the OP mentioned above and more. :rolleyes:

shesty · 19-09-2020 6:45pm

Speak to your GP OP, or your local maternity hospital.Look up HSE Options, and ring a counsellor there if you need to.

NewMan1982 · 19-09-2020 6:50pm

Make the best decision for you and don’t worry about your past decisions or what anyone might think.

Princess Calla · 19-09-2020 7:03pm

99nsr125 wrote: »

Please don't do this without talking to the father

It's his baby too

For all you know he may be delighted to have a daughter or son and be only too willing to raise the child on his own

He's not the one that has to go through the pregnancy though.

Pregnancy can be an absolute slog even when it's a much wanted pregnancy, nevermind a crisis one.

IF, and a major if, you did go down the route that he'd bring up the child, I'd be getting a solicitor involved and making it a formal adoption.

I've two friends, together years, but they were still young when they found out that they were pregnant. She wanted an abortion, he said no, they were together forever, yes family started earlier than expected but that was their long term plan, blah blah blah..... He's not even living in Europe nevermind Ireland now and she's left raising a child.... Now obviously she loves the child etc etc but it's not the direction she wanted her life going... He's off having a grand old time for himself...... So I'd be extremely wary of promises.

Do what suits you.

99nsr125 · 19-09-2020 8:37pm

Princess Calla wrote: »

He's not the one that has to go through the pregnancy though.

Pregnancy can be an absolute slog even when it's a much wanted pregnancy, nevermind a crisis one.

IF, and a major if, you did go down the route that he'd bring up the child, I'd be getting a solicitor involved and making it a formal adoption.

I've two friends, together years, but they were still young when they found out that they were pregnant. She wanted an abortion, he said no, they were together forever, yes family started earlier than expected but that was their long term plan, blah blah blah..... He's not even living in Europe nevermind Ireland now and she's left raising a child.... Now obviously she loves the child etc etc but it's not the direction she wanted her life going... He's off having a grand old time for himself...... So I'd be extremely wary of promises.

Do what suits you.

Your anger is less than helpful

OP
Talk to the father, your GP, maternity services.
Don't share the burden on your own.

Think about what age you are, what your chances for pregnancy would be after this one.

Think about formal adoption by the father or a childless couple.

The earlier terminations do not change this pregnancy but you included them in the original post so they are still in your thoughts. They are in your thoughts because you question those decisions still.

Take your time and talk to everybody but take your time

eviltwin · 19-09-2020 8:51pm

OP speak to a professional in an impartial service. Unfortunately asking people on a site like this leaves you open to agendas dressed up as concerns. Focus only on your needs and wants for now and be kind to yourself.

Princess Calla · 19-09-2020 9:25pm

99nsr125 wrote: »

Your anger is less than helpful

OP
Talk to the father, your GP, maternity services.
Don't share the burden on your own.

Think about what age you are, what your chances for pregnancy would be after this one.

Think about formal adoption by the father or a childless couple.

The earlier terminations do not change this pregnancy but you included them in the original post so they are still in your thoughts. They are in your thoughts because you question those decisions still.

Take your time and talk to everybody but take your time

There is absolutely no anger in my post, none what so ever.

The op has had a pregnancy that almost killed her and yet you're recommending her to continue with this one so the baby can be adopted.

Have you gone through a tough pregnancy yourself?

If the op wants to go through with the pregnancy it's entirely her choice. If she wants to raise the child as a single mother or put the child up for adoption, again her choice.

Likewise if she wants to terminate the pregnancy for whatever reason it's entirely her choice.

She needs to sit down with trained professionals to go through her options and make a decision that's best for her.

99nsr125 · 19-09-2020 10:18pm

Princess Calla wrote: »

There is absolutely no anger in my post, none what so ever.

The op has had a pregnancy that almost killed her and yet you're recommending her to continue with this one so the baby can be adopted.

Have you gone through a tough pregnancy yourself?

If the op wants to go through with the pregnancy it's entirely her choice. If she wants to raise the child as a single mother or put the child up for adoption, again her choice.

Likewise if she wants to terminate the pregnancy for whatever reason it's entirely her choice.

She needs to sit down with trained professionals to go through her options and make a decision that's best for her.

Right

Op
Talk to everyone, get support, take your time

Jenneke87 · 19-09-2020 10:18pm

99nsr125 wrote: »

Your anger is less than helpful

OP
Talk to the father, your GP, maternity services.
Don't share the burden on your own.

Think about what age you are, what your chances for pregnancy would be after this one.

Think about formal adoption by the father or a childless couple.

The earlier terminations do not change this pregnancy but you included them in the original post so they are still in your thoughts. They are in your thoughts because you question those decisions still.

Take your time and talk to everybody but take your time

I will certainly talk to professionals. As I don't really want children I couldn't give one iota about my chances of becoming pregnant again after this one. I don't even want the current pregnancy...

Personally, I would find an adoption even more difficult than an abortion.That said, there are currently 27.000 children of all ages in my country waiting for a new home. I think I'll be waiting a damn long time for anyone to adopt mine. And yes of course during times like this I think about the previous abortions. They are not something fun or frivolous. I do not question those decisions, my life was at stake and despite my mental health issues involving suicidal tendencies, was not ready to die like that-that doesn't mean there was no sadness or guilt involved, nor do I find it strange that that would be on my mind right now.

To everyone else who responded, thank you all very much, your words mean a lot to me. I hope that my conversation with my GP Monday will provide some clarity. Another thing I struggle with is that I suffer from depression with suicidal thoughts (not acting on them but at times it's very dehabilitating at times). I fear that without any support system I will not be able to take care of this child properly. When I'm in the throes of depression now, having a panic attack, my brain just shutting down, it's only myself that's affected, but I don't want a child to grow up around that. Plus my family has a long history of depression/mental health issues so I worry I will pass that on to him/her and really, I wouldn't wish one of those episodes on my worst enemy, it's truly terrifying. I wouldn't mind continuing the pregnancy, I just don't think I can or should be the primary caregiver, but because I'm the mother, that's the default position whether it should be or not, and I just can't see a way around that.

1hnr79jr65 · 19-09-2020 10:22pm

I would say firstly just think of yourself OP and be as close as you can with family and friends for support. Secondly do what you need to for your mental and physical health. If a termination is something which may be an issue for your physical health, do contact adoption services to have that option prepared for yourself and see a counsellor no matter which route you go.

As for the suggestion to inform your ex, personally I would not recommend that as your ex is ex for a reason. By including them, you potentially expose yourself to emotional blackmail from the ex or ex's family on what ever decision you make. You need to be able to make a decision with impartiality or undue influence which may be counter to your needs.

qwerty13 · 20-09-2020 2:40am

To me it comes down to the following:

If you had a child, can you support it financially, practically, health wise and emotionally. Preferably with external support too, but primarily relying on yourself. If the answer to any of those questions is no, then having a child would because you want to have it, rather than thinking of what you can do for the child.

I do know that’s a rather black and white view, but emotion is all very well about a crisis pregnancy - but there’s a long number years after having child where money, practicality about living arrangements / childcare, and your ability to cope with your emotions about being a mother come into play.

All I can say is make an informed logical choice. One that includes what you want - but also one that considers what you feel able (or not) to offer a child for a long number of years to come. And not forgetting your prior pregnancy severe health issues.

The best of luck to you, I’m sure it’s not an easy choice. I do feel for you in this situation, and it’s one I’d struggle a little with myself. But you’ll be better informed once you see your GP.

Every good wish to you.

shesty · 20-09-2020 8:31am

OP...for what it's worth...your GP will probably not offer you much by way of counselling.They will listen but the likelihood is that they will suggest you talk to someone if you are still very conflicted.As I said earlier there is a phone line on HSE Options where someone will listen to you and talk to you about how you feel.You can ring them if you want to, outside your appointment, and it might help you find more clarity on what you feel is the best route forward.

Coming here, you feel you have to justify your decision to others, but as you know already the only person that has to really deal with your decision and make peace with it is you, so do talk to someone who will listen in a non-judgemental way.

irishblessing · 20-09-2020 10:26am

Hi OP, I think you're getting good advice, but I just wanted to speak to the part about seeing kids have tantrums and not feeling maternal. As a parent myself, I can 100% say I really hate the sound of other people's kids screaming in shops or in restaurants, it really grates on my nerves. I'm still not very good when it comes to my own kids meltdowns (very few and far between now) but I've gotten better at empathising and helping them work through their emotions. Logically understanding that they have big emotions that overwhelm them and they just need understanding and support was a big breakthrough. You figure it out as you go and the tough stuff doesn't last forever. And by the way, my kids were great sleepers so we never really went through the zombie no-sleep phase. The love I have for them gets you through a lot. Kids grow and eventually become great little pals who love you fiercely-that's the best part. And when they go to school you meet other parents who become friends and you get involved in their little lives and activities. They will also join you in yours, too. Your fears are normal! It's overwhelming to think about parenting and how it will be at the start of a pregnancy but you just take each day as it comes, mistakes happen, and you learn and grow. Just wanted to give you a positive side to it, too. If you go ahead, getting good mental health therapy will be crucial for you. Over the years I have done cbt, meditation, and eft tapping (that was the best one). Self care and self love should be a very important life long pursuit.
Wishing you the best with your journey.

Zebrag · 20-09-2020 8:48pm

Hi OP

I've not much to say to you but if I could give you a friendly hug and hold you, I would. I can't say I understand but I will say that this isn't all doom and gloom either. Whatever choices you have made and will make, is no one else's but your own. No one will judge. Life has a way of throwing spanners in the works and often we throw our hands up and say we give up. This is one of life's funny way of leading you in a different path and so be it.

If you go to your GP and explain the situation, the most they will give is their sympathy and lead you in the direction of a mental health professional. There's plenty of Well Women clinics that specialise in these situations and can help you with either choices you make. There's no right or wrong answer. It's how you feel and want you feel is best for you.

As for speaking to the father, that's also your choice. No one can tell you right from wrong. If you feel he needs to know, regardless of the choice you've made and I would hope he would support you in every way shape and form then tell him. If you feel that telling him will only put more pressure on you then don't but perhaps make an apointment with a speclist and see what your options are and see how YOU feel.

I wish you all the best

Jenneke87 · 20-09-2020 10:37pm

Thanks everyone. I've e-mailed a crisis pregnancy organization and my therapist who was on vacation for three weeks, so I hope they can help me sort myself out. I just feel so hopeless right now. I spend the whole day in bed crying, I haven't brushed my teeth in two days, I can't even bring myself to shower, clean my pets cages or do simple tasks around the house. Everything just leaves me completely out of breath and like I'm climbing Mount Everest. I'm hungry but I just have no appetite whatsoever. I know I can't go on like this but it's like the light has just went out in my head and all I can do is cry and worry..

SnowyMay · 21-09-2020 9:18am

Jenneke87 wrote: »

Thanks everyone. I've e-mailed a crisis pregnancy organization and my therapist who was on vacation for three weeks, so I hope they can help me sort myself out. I just feel so hopeless right now. I spend the whole day in bed crying, I haven't brushed my teeth in two days, I can't even bring myself to shower, clean my pets cages or do simple tasks around the house. Everything just leaves me completely out of breath and like I'm climbing Mount Everest. I'm hungry but I just have no appetite whatsoever. I know I can't go on like this but it's like the light has just went out in my head and all I can do is cry and worry..

Oh jeez Jenneke. I am so sorry you are going through this.

You're doing the right things in contacting your therapist and crisis pregnancy organisation. Your mind must be melted, but the most important thing is to speak to somebody who can advise and give you some experienced information. That will be a weight off your shoulders already.

We all here would have empathy for you, but wouldn't be qualified to help.

I hope you speak to somebody soon. Even if you cry your eyes out during the call - that's fine - these people know what you are dealing with and will help you.

While you're waiting, you could always call the Samaritans. They won't give advice, but when your head is churning, talking can really help.

I wish you all the best, and you will get through this. Just know that random internet peoples are rooting for you.

Mind yourself.

MrsBean · 21-09-2020 9:32am

As a counter point to whoever said 'its his baby too' I just want to reiterate that there is no legal or moral obligation to inform your ex of your pregnancy at this time.
If you want to tell him that's fine, but some other posters have implied he is not a nice person and could make dealing with this situation harder for you. I don't know the specifics of your relationship with this man but if he has a tendency for aggression or over reacting or a history of being manipulative I would avoid telling him for now.
You have the right to make decisions over your own body and your future without any external influence or coercion.

It sounds trite but try to focus on your breathing, even just for a minute. It can help calm the mind. Take each day, or each hour, as it comes and don't be so hard on yourself. You are dealing with emotional trauma and a major life decision, it's ok to feel overwhelmed right now. I wish you all the best and hope that clarity comes in the next few days.

99nsr125 · 21-09-2020 2:09pm

MrsBean wrote: »

As a counter point to whoever said 'its his baby too' I just want to reiterate that there is no legal or moral obligation to inform your ex of your pregnancy at this time.
If you want to tell him that's fine, but some other posters have implied he is not a nice person and could make dealing with this situation harder for you. I don't know the specifics of your relationship with this man but if he has a tendency for aggression or over reacting or a history of being manipulative I would avoid telling him for now.
You have the right to make decisions over your own body and your future without any external influence or coercion.

It sounds trite but try to focus on your breathing, even just for a minute. It can help calm the mind. Take each day, or each hour, as it comes and don't be so hard on yourself. You are dealing with emotional trauma and a major life decision, it's ok to feel overwhelmed right now. I wish you all the best and hope that clarity comes in the next few days.

Legally he would be responsible for providing support and morally it is always the right thing to do.

hayoc · 21-09-2020 2:38pm

99nsr125 wrote: »

Legally he would be responsible for providing support and morally it is always the right thing to do.

No he wouldnt. He would be responsible for providing support if she decides to go through with the pregnancy. Right now, he has no legal rights or obligations to the OP or to the fetus. And she has none to him.

And I do not agree it is always the morally right thing to do to inform someone of a pregnancy - its down to whether or not the pregnant woman wants to do so. Its her body.

99nsr125 · 21-09-2020 3:50pm

hayoc wrote: »

No he wouldnt. He would be responsible for providing support if she decides to go through with the pregnancy. Right now, he has no legal rights or obligations to the OP or to the fetus. And she has none to him.

And I do not agree it is always the morally right thing to do to inform someone of a pregnancy - its down to whether or not the pregnant woman wants to do so. Its her body.

It's his baby too, they created it together

hayoc · 21-09-2020 4:03pm

99nsr125 wrote: »

It's his baby too, they created it together

I have not disputed that and this is not the thread for that conversation.

The OP does not need an agenda pushed on her. She has a crisis pregnancy. Right now the potential babies father has no legal rights. And I say potential baby because anything can happen this early in a pregnancy. The father has no legal rights until there is an actual baby, not a potential one.

Hannibal_Smith · 21-09-2020 5:25pm

Mod note

That's enough of the back and forth. Either advise the OP directly, or move on to another thread.

Thanks

HS

ILoveYourVibes · 22-09-2020 5:44am

Jenneke87 wrote: »

I don't want an abortion, I also don't want to be pregnant. I just feel completely lost, all I can do is cry and have regular panic attacks..

You have to pull yourself together enough to guide yourself safely through this decision.

Contact a crisis pregnancy counseling service. It doesn't sound to me like you want a termination though.

But whatever you decide is right. dont think about the guy just now ..one thing at a time.

Take away the guy and the future with him in your life. That is a consequence of the decision ..its not the decision here to be made right now.

The decision is ...Do you want the baby ?

Broek up with bv a months ago, now found out in pregnant

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