The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

We couldn’t decide whether to have my Gran buried or cremated.

so in the end we let her live.

I got my girlfriend a valentines pressie to die for - a Hot Air Balloon trip across the States

The weirdest summer job I have ever had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.

That sh1t was bananas!!

A priest, imam and rabbit walked into a bar.

"Hello," said the bartender, "this is a bit unusual, where's Rabbi Goldstein today?"

"Spell check, that's all I can say," said the rabbit.

"C-Z-E-C-H" said the bartender. "What do I win?"

What happened to the woman who invested poorly?

A stock broke her.

I’m being moved to a different department at the prosthetics factory. 

It’s so annoying. I'm up in arms.

My wife asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public, I said maybe...

I got into toruble for building sandcastles with grandad when I was a kid - they don't like you doing that at the crematorium...

TEACHER: What's wrong Musa, why are you crying?

MUSA: Our house is very small.

MUSA: My mum, my dad, and I, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, Musa are you sleeping?' Then I say NO, so he becomes angry and punishes me.".

Teacher: All right! Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet. Don't answer!

The following morning Musa comes back with a sad face again.

Teacher: My goodness, why the sad face again?

Musa: Dad asked me again, Musa are you sleeping? I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad and my mom started moving, you know, at the same time. Mum was breathing like a Christmas chicken, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, are you coming? Mum said, Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?

Dad answered: Yes.

They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me, I'm coming too!!

Rusty Bedsprings - I P Knightly

Wet walls - I P Skew

There's another book co-written by Eileen Dover

Clifftop Tragedies - Eileen and Ben Dover