Nephew quite low.

SwordofLight · 13-01-2021 7:00pm #1

Hi all,

Sensitive issue due to the inter-racial element. Apologies to anyone who doesn't like it.

So my sister asked me to spend more time with my 10 year old nephew who has become much quieter over the past 6 months and she has seen him crying on his own but won't talk to her or his Dad.

I got chatting with him as we have a great relationship. It turns out there is a child verbally and physically bullying him on their estate, who happens to be black. My nephew seems really confused about the whole BLM thing. He said he isn't allowed to say anything to his Dad or my sister because "nobody is allowed to talk about BLM". He asked me why "black people are better than white people", and this seems to be the theme when my nephew has tried to defend himself. I just tried to feed him the line that it doesn't matter what colour the skin is etc and BLM is just about something that happened in America and not Ireland - not perfect but hoped it might help him a bit until I could think about it.

I will see him again this weekend but I am pretty worried. I don't know what to tell my sister and brother-in-law. I don't want to break my nephew's trust.

What would you say?

LilacNails · 13-01-2021 7:08pm

Why does he feel he can't talk about black people to his parents? Sounds a bit exaggerated.

I would gently bring this up with him and ask would he be comfortable if u did tell his parents.

Poor boy, feel sorry for him. He's lucky to have u by the sounds of it.

MissShihTzu · 13-01-2021 8:30pm

The poor boy. The reason he's being bullied by a black child is a little unclear to me. Is it colour or is it another reason? How does BLM come into it? Is he being bullied at home or it it happening in school as well?

I'm little confused. I would hate to think this child - ANY child is being bullied for colour reasons. I say this as a Black woman who's seen and experienced plenty of this growing up in London and beyond.

I would keep talking to the little guy, and tease out the exact reason why he's being bullied. Bullying is never OK. I hope you get is solved. You sound like a great aunt/uncle.

shesty · 13-01-2021 9:47pm

He sounds very confused OP. He is only 10 and how can he possibly understand the BLM thing. It sounds like he is repeating something that he has overheard either from the child who is bullying him, or others around him - that he has picked up some kind of wrong messages. Indeed the child who is bullying him could well be telling him that white people can't say anything about black people because they get in trouble, repeating a misunderstood version of what he is hearing and seeing adults around him say (assuming the bully is a similar age). I know are smart but really, there are still children.We can't make the mistake of assuming they understand the full connotations behind the BLM movement.

I would say the first thing to do is address the bullying issue if it can be addressed - what is the bullying over? The rest of it sounds like an extension of what is being said during the bullying. If you could figure out why this child is picking on your nephew, it might be a start.

Airyfairy12 · 14-01-2021 2:47am

Im confused about why the childs skin colour is being brought up? Is he using BLM as a way to bully your nephew?
Either way bullying should be nipped in the bud as early as possible, the long term effects on childrens self esteem as a result of bullying isnt something to be undermined or ignored and the bullying will only get worse if nothing is done.
I would go and speak to the childs parents and tell them whats going on between the two boys and sort it out, leaving race aside unless one or both of the boys are being racist or its a cause of the bullying.

Hannibal_Smith · 14-01-2021 8:32am

It sounds as if your nephew is very confused about BLM and what it means. It's highly unlikely your sister and her partner sat your nephew down and told him in a negative way not to be talking about it. It sounds more like he's picked up the wrong end of the stick.

He's 10 and he's being bullied, so either way his parents have to know.

Tell him that in order to help, his mum and dad have to know the full story. He will not be in any trouble because he hasn't done anything wrong. All his mum and dad are going to want to do his take care of him and help him.

HildaOgdenx · 14-01-2021 12:25pm

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

It sounds as if your nephew is very confused about BLM and what it means. It's highly unlikely your sister and her partner sat your nephew down and told him in a negative way not to be talking about it. It sounds more like he's picked up the wrong end of the stick.

He's 10 and he's being bullied, so either way his parents have to know.

Tell him that in order to help, his mum and dad have to know the full story. He will not be in any trouble because he hasn't done anything wrong. All his mum and dad are going to want to do his take care of him and help him.

Exactly. His parents need to know, he is only ten and obviously has got confused and upset because of the bullying. I presume he is not seeing the child now, with lockdown in place, so it's a good opportunity to get this sorted with calm, clear conversation with your nephew, and your nephew's parents.

SwordofLight · 15-01-2021 12:43am

Well yes I will mention the bullying to his folks. As far as I know he tells his folks he is going for a walk and meets his pals but that the bully is always hanging around also. I didn't want to lecture s was just listening, I don't have the full picture but I would suspect the bully is also confused about BLM and is using it in a 'I'm better than you because I'm black' way. They see footballers etc kneeling with their fists up and BLM slogans everywhere, which is a pretty confusing slogan without context, so who knows. I would imagine my nephew is aware of the implications of being called racist and might feel like he is not allowed to say anything because of that. Maybe my sis and bro-in-law have talked to him about race and racism and that might be the obstacle. To be honest I am finding it hard to hold my own anger in. The bully slaps my nephew across the back of the head from behind without warning and then talks in his face as he is trying to defend himself. (Yes, and covid anxiety thrown in the mix!)

Airyfairy12 · 15-01-2021 12:53am

SwordofLight wrote: »

Well yes I will mention the bullying to his folks. As far as I know he tells his folks he is going for a walk and meets his pals but that the bully is always hanging around also. I didn't want to lecture s was just listening, I don't have the full picture but I would suspect the bully is also confused about BLM and is using it in a 'I'm better than you because I'm black' way. They see footballers etc kneeling with their fists up and BLM slogans everywhere, which is a pretty confusing slogan without context, so who knows. I would imagine my nephew is aware of the implications of being called racist and might feel like he is not allowed to say anything because of that. Maybe my sis and bro-in-law have talked to him about race and racism and that might be the obstacle. To be honest I am finding it hard to hold my own anger in. The bully slaps my nephew across the back of the head from behind without warning and then talks in his face as he is trying to defend himself. (Yes, and covid anxiety thrown in the mix!)

Its very frustrating but remember that the bully is also a child and you dont know whats going on behind the scenes for him. He could be acting out, it could be learned behavior or he could have a disability or mental health issue that causes him to behave like this.
Definitely tell your nephews parents but its just as important that they speak to the bullys parents and nip this in the bud.

15-01-2021 1:41am

The only thing you need to do is encourage this child to speak with his parents and to trust them to give him good advice and to look after him when he’s feeling down/upset/confused about things.

That’s the default and the correct answer whenever a child has parents and you don’t know how to answer, with absolute certainty yourself. Don’t mistake being an outlet as being some surrogate for his Mam and Dad.

Listen, reassure and encourage him to talk to them. Then talk to them yourself. He’s a child. You tell his parents. Always.

Hannibal_Smith · 15-01-2021 8:30am

It's quite possible the bully is just as confused as your nephew. They're all only 10 and have clearly missed the point of BLM completely.

It's up to the grown ups to explain it to them in a sensible way.

So tell your nephew the two of you are going to tell his mum and dad and explain to him what BLM means. That way, when the bully mentions it again your nephew has the benefit of understanding what's being said to him.

It doesn't matter who the bully is, your nephew is being hit and bullied by another kid. The parents need to know so they can stop it. I'm amazed your sister hasn't even asked you for any information you have already.

Hannibal_Smith · 15-01-2021 8:39am

Mod Note

Listermint as per the Charter if you have a problem with a post or thread, please discuss it with one of the Mod Team by PM and do not derail a thread by questioning its authenticity on thread.

SwordofLight, you've started a thread about your nephew being bullied and posters have taken the time to respond to you on that. If you wish to discuss BLM there are other places for it on boards. Please bear in mind Personal Issues is an advice forum, not a discussion forum.

Thanks both

HS

SwordofLight · 19-01-2021 9:04pm

Sorry guys, been really busy. Only managed a quick videocall with the nephew over the weekend, he didn't raise it and hadn't been out so I didn't say anything, I don't want him to associate that stuff with me! I did have a quiet call with his parents though after. After posting here and listening to all your wise words and thinking about it more, I think it is best if that child and his parents deal with the BLM stuff themselves, it's not really our business how that child interprets anything, but it is our business when he abuses my nephew - so we agreed the only thing worthy of discussion with that child's parents is the bullying. With the nephew, we will just hope things resolve and he starts to have a better experience and forgets all about it. I will share stories of my own friends from all backgrounds and colours and emphasise nobody being 'better' than anyone else, the wind blows on us all in different ways. Definitely will encourage him to talk about it to his folks, I won't always be available and it could get serious in the future.

wiggle16 · 19-01-2021 11:57pm

Mod:

Thread locked as the OP's issue has been resolved.

Thanks all who posted.

Thread locked.

Nephew quite low.

Comments