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Treating everyone alike

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  • 05-10-2020 11:35am
    #1
    antix80
    Registered Users Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭


    I'm not a parent but I'm an uncle. So some of the advantages but none of the disadvantages.

    I was visited my sister and knew she was alone with her youngest -a 3 year old- so i stopped in the shop and got her a kinder egg.

    An hour later her other 2 kids came in. The 3 year old picked up up to show it off in a "look what I have but you don't" way
    The 5 year old took the bait.. "where did she get that" (oh, she must have picked up somewhere)..
    Then the 8 year old and a bit more sneakily "oh, that's lovely, where did you get it, did it have chocolate with it?"

    And then the gig was up, my sister was annoyed and said "in future if you're bringing something, bring enough for everyone"

    Well.. yesterday I did it again. I saw something the middle child would like when I was strolling through tesco. It was about Eur13 so nothing major.

    So I told my sister I only bought it because I upset the middle kid yesterday - so I received special permission to gift an item to only one of her kids when it wasn't their birthday. The youngest didn't like it anyway so just said "will you buy me a unicorn one"

    But the middle kid was delighted with it. More so than a birthday or xmas present. Then he said "show me what you got for (eldest)".. and that's always how it is, before they're opened their gifts they look to see what everyone else got to make sure it's fair. I said, "I just got you one this time". And later on he said "thanks for buying that for me".

    Now I don't mean to undermine parenting but really.. with such an age gap (and different genders) why try to treat everyone the same, and fairly? I think it just sets them off against each other.


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    #2
    Princess Calla
    Registered Users Posts: 5,783 ✭✭✭Princess Calla


    Why wouldn't you treat children fairly though.

    I would let it slide the first time but if someone contued to buy for one and not the other I'd be having words. They will not be dealing with the fall out after they leave.

    If you see something that is a perfect gift regardless of how expensive, or not, it is buy it and save it for Christmas /birthday... Children have no concept of money. They are however very tuned in to an adult continually buying for their sibling and not for them.

    Now the one thing I don't do is at birthdays buy presents for siblings (I had words with my sister in laws mother over that one).


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    #3
    antix80
    Registered Users Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭antix80


    Princess Calla wrote: »
    Now the one thing I don't do is at birthdays buy presents for siblings (I had words with my sister in laws mother over that one).

    I actually do sometimes! Just for the smaller kids. It could be a crappy hotwheels for €3 but it's appreciated.


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    #4
    Princess Calla
    Registered Users Posts: 5,783 ✭✭✭Princess Calla


    antix80 wrote: »
    I actually do sometimes! Just for the smaller kids. It could be a crappy hotwheels for €3 but it's appreciated.

    Nope, I've been buying for niece and nephews since I was 10 years old.

    When I had the words with the granny in law I was still a student, I had 8 nieces and nephews to buy for. Christmas and birthdays were expensive enough without adding siblings presents to the mix.


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    #5
    shesty
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,893 Mod ✭✭✭✭shesty


    I have no problem with bringing a single present for a birthday girl or boy.
    I would not appreciate someone showing up to visit casually with one present for one child.Nothing excuses it in front of kids, they don't understand.Rows ensue, and what seems harmless to you is a complete pain in XXX for their parents.
    Bring something for all of them (preferably not toys each time) or nothing at all.


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    #6
    bee06
    Registered Users Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    shesty wrote: »
    I have no problem with bringing a single present for a birthday girl or boy.
    I would not appreciate someone showing up to visit casually with one present for one child.Nothing excuses it in front of kids, they don't understand.Rows ensue, and what seems harmless to you is a complete pain in XXX for their parents.
    Bring something for all of them (preferably not toys each time) or nothing at all.

    Agree, if there isn’t a reason why one child is getting special treatment you have to treat them equally. They won’t remember that you bought them something a month ago when the other two got nothing but they’ll sure remember when they got nothing.


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    #7
    Electric
    Registered Users Posts: 538 ✭✭✭Electric


    bee06 wrote: »
    Agree, if there isn’t a reason why one child is getting special treatment you have to treat them equally. They won’t remember that you bought them something a month ago when the other two got nothing but they’ll sure remember when they got nothing.

    I'd even go so far as to say that where the kids are young (under 6) you get them both the same thing. Otherwise there'll be a fight over who gets the blue/red/whatever one.


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    #8
    bee06
    Registered Users Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    Electric wrote: »
    I'd even go so far as to say that where the kids are young (under 6) you get them both the same thing. Otherwise there'll be a fight over who gets the blue/red/whatever one.

    True, you could give my 2 year old chocolate and his baby sister a stone and he’d want the stone because she had it!


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    #9
    witchgirl26
    Registered Users Posts: 2,069 ✭✭✭witchgirl26


    Have to agree with what others have said here. I've got 8 nieces & nephews across 3 siblings. I've often taken one out for the day sometimes when it's been for something they really want but I usually try to get the others in the family something small if they're not coming. Same with arriving over with something for 1 - never do it except at birthdays & always try to bring a similar thing for them all. I also don't buy for the other siblings at birthdays - that just opens a minefield & can get very expensive! We even have limits set on amounts at Christmas because of how many kids there are now in the family.
    I get it's a lovely thought to see something you know they'd love & get it, but maybe hold on to it until it's their birthday rather than just gifting it randomly.
    And if you're buying a kinder egg or similar for one in the shop with them, make it fun and ask them to pick out ones for their siblings & bring them all back something.


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    #10
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    I might be the meanest parent ever but I really don't want people buying too much stuff for my kids. They have enough rubbish as it is plus very often kids don't even appreciate gifts. And I don't overly like it when they get sweets.

    If you are buying and in my opinion it should be rare occasions like Christmas you should buy for all. Birthdays are different. Present for birthday child and something small or nothing for others.


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    #11
    bee06
    Registered Users Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    meeeeh wrote: »
    I might be the meanest parent ever but I really don't want people buying too much stuff for my kids. They have enough rubbish as it is plus very often kids don't even appreciate gifts. And I don't overly like it when they get sweets.

    If you are buying and in my opinion it should be rare occasions like Christmas you should buy for all. Birthdays are different. Present for birthday child and something small or nothing for others.

    I’d agree, my in-laws are wicked for it. Always stuff that isn’t age appropriate or small or breakable so it’s lost or broken and there’s war then as a result.


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    #12
    shesty
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,893 Mod ✭✭✭✭shesty


    No I agree.When you have kids and you realise after a couple of years how much stuff they have and how little most of it is ever used, you don't really appreciate more stuff being brought.I appreciate the thought but the in-laws here as well are desperate for showing up with boxes of plastic things week after week after week -after a certain point I can't help feeling it gets a bit selfish, they want the big reaction and the delight but they don't have to deal with the rubbish everywhere and the rows.It is a tough line to tread alright.


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    #13
    Loveinapril
    Registered Users Posts: 2,326 ✭✭✭Loveinapril


    shesty wrote: »
    No I agree.When you have kids and you realise after a couple of years how much stuff they have and how little most of it is ever used, you don't really appreciate more stuff being brought.I appreciate the thought but the in-laws here as well are desperate for showing up with boxes of plastic things week after week after week -after a certain point I can't help feeling it gets a bit selfish, they want the big reaction and the delight but they don't have to deal with the rubbish everywhere and the rows.It is a tough line to tread alright.

    I agree. My inlaws are forever bringing inappropriate gifts for my older child. What 2.5 year old needs a 1000 piece jigsaw?! My two are under 3 but I would find it a bit odd if someone arrived with something for one and not the other outside of birthdays. My almost 3 year old son would definitely want whatever my daughter got! It is important not to show favouritism, as another poster said, the children will only remember the times you DIDN'T get them something and won't remember the time you singled them out and bought them something.


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    #14
    shesty
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,893 Mod ✭✭✭✭shesty


    Maybe selfish isn't quite the right word, I understand they think they are doing something nice but still. I can't help thinking just on a practical level, would it not occur to them that they might have brought something literally every single week over the course of 4 or 5 weeks, and maybe that is enough, and no more is needed?

    Also when you are having recycling everything and plastic in the seas and compostable everything highlighted all over the place, and you are trying to recycle clothes and toys as best you can.......and then boxes and boxes of flimsy plastic things are being brought to your house every 7 days, it gets quite frustrating.


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    #15
    Princess Calla
    Registered Users Posts: 5,783 ✭✭✭Princess Calla


    shesty wrote: »
    No I agree.When you have kids and you realise after a couple of years how much stuff they have and how little most of it is ever used, you don't really appreciate more stuff being brought.I appreciate the thought but the in-laws here as well are desperate for showing up with boxes of plastic things week after week after week -after a certain point I can't help feeling it gets a bit selfish, they want the big reaction and the delight but they don't have to deal with the rubbish everywhere and the rows.It is a tough line to tread alright.

    That's my mother! The other set of grandparents are dead so I think she's trying to over compensate. However it's always cheap tat from dealz or tiger etc. They are usually broken before she even leaves the house.

    When you say anything she manages to twist it that I'm the narky ungrateful one..... I've tried to reach a compromise and asked her to buy a quality set of something that can be broken up into lil stand alone presents... Nope.

    Then to top it off, she'll go up to their room look around with a look of sheer disapproval (which is her normal look for anything to do with me) and say "they have too many toys"... Seriously!!!

    Plus I can't dump anything as she remembers everything she buys and will randomly ask about them.

    The silver lining of covid is now she doesn't come into the house and drops off chocolate for the kids as the supermarket is the only shop she goes into.


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    #16
    Tombo2001
    Registered Users Posts: 6,469 ✭✭✭Tombo2001


    Princess Calla wrote: »
    That's my mother! The other set of grandparents are dead so I think she's trying to over compensate. However it's always cheap tat from dealz or tiger etc. They are usually broken before she even leaves the house.

    When you say anything she manages to twist it that I'm the narky ungrateful one..... I've tried to reach a compromise and asked her to buy a quality set of something that can be broken up into lil stand alone presents... Nope.

    Then to top it off, she'll go up to their room look around with a look of sheer disapproval (which is her normal look for anything to do with me) and say "they have too many toys"... Seriously!!!

    Plus I can't dump anything as she remembers everything she buys and will randomly ask about them.

    The silver lining of covid is now she doesn't come into the house and drops off chocolate for the kids as the supermarket is the only shop she goes into.

    Remember a kind aunt gave us a very large toy when we visited....good intentions, I shouldnt give out....but my heart sank when I saw it - pleasee.....we dont have room....we dont want this.

    But once the child has seen it, thats that......

    Of course we couldnt say anything, but when we got home it went straight up to the attic.

    6 months later, we had completely forgotten it - and she knocks on the door, big entrance "I'm just dieing to see how you are getting on with 'Toy'"

    ...... That was an awkward moment.


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    #17
    Tombo2001
    Registered Users Posts: 6,469 ✭✭✭Tombo2001


    More generally -

    Kids are not short of 'treats', in fact most of them have far too many 'treats'. There is too much crap food on offer everywhere you go, and its very difficult for parents to maintain a half decent diet for their children.

    Moroever, they are not short of cheap toys that they play with once and then gather dust. Which is a problem in small houses or apartments.

    The question I would be asking is - why are you giving this child a treat? What is the point of it?

    I know that sounds very grinchy, but I do think its a reasonable question to ask.


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    #18
    99nsr125
    Registered Users Posts: 1,183 ✭✭✭99nsr125


    Everyone needs to get something

    Equal treatment / Equality


    This should have been one of the first things you learned


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    #19
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,799 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    99nsr125 wrote: »
    Everyone needs to get something

    Equal treatment / Equality


    This should have been one of the first things you learned

    Actually no.

    I keep the equality by buying nothing for anyone's child unless their birthday etc. Problem solved.


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    #20
    99nsr125
    Registered Users Posts: 1,183 ✭✭✭99nsr125


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    Actually no.

    I keep the equality by buying nothing for anyone's child unless their birthday etc. Problem solved.

    Lol

    Hi Mean Aunt and Uncle


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    #21
    Tombo2001
    Registered Users Posts: 6,469 ✭✭✭Tombo2001


    There are some presents that I think are generally welcomed by parents and child alike:
    (i) Lego
    (ii) A good quality pack of Crayola crayons (please no glitter glue!!)
    (iii) A football jersey


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    #22
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    99nsr125 wrote: »
    Everyone needs to get something

    Equal treatment / Equality

    This should have been one of the first things you learned

    I do not think that is a lesson I would want to be teaching my own kids at all to be honest. "Equality" is a concept I am happy to teach my children but that above is not remotely what the word means to me.

    I am usually quite happy when anyone thinks to bring anything for my kids. I would not feel right putting terms and conditions on the kindness and generosity of others - let alone to dictate to them "Do it my way or do nothing at all" as was suggested earlier in the thread.

    I also do not buy the "They do not understand" narrative at all. My kids relevant here are now 6 and 10 but they have understood all this since they were 2. I fear for _some_ people _some_ times the phrase "the kids do not understand" actually means "I have put zero effort into teaching them this" or "I would like to teach them this but honestly I do not know how".

    I quite like when only one of my kids gets a gift on any particular visit. Because from an early age it was a way to teach the receiver of the gift about gratitude. But it was also a way to teach the non-receiver of the gift about empathy and being happy for others. Rather than a "row ensuing" which I can not even imagine happening - or them "not understanding" - they very much do understand the concept of being happy for the happiness of someone else. And I remember the quite heart warming moment when my daughter was 8 and my son 4 and my daughter received a gift that made her particularly happy - that it was actually my son who turned around and was the first to say "Thank you Uncle Joe!" and express gratitude for a gift he had not even received. But he was just happy his sister had been made happy in that moment. And that was the lesson I had been working on imparting to them.
    Princess Calla wrote: »
    That's my mother! The other set of grandparents are dead so I think she's trying to over compensate. However it's always cheap tat from dealz or tiger etc. They are usually broken before she even leaves the house.

    Given we have three sets of grand parents in play rather than two - I am quite lucky in that for the most part we travel to them and not them to us. So we do not have to deal with the issue of the traditions of the older generations - which is that they do not like to show up empty handed to a visit. It is ingrained in them they have to bring something I think.

    The other thing fortunate is that the grand parents and most of our friends know that we do not do Birthdays or Santa with each other or our kids. Rather we give gifts to our kids - each other - or our friends and family somewhat randomly and only when something truly relevant or meaningful presents (heh) itself.

    And they have all bought into this too so they rarely show up with tat for the kids just for the sake of it. If they bring something for one of our kids - which is rare enough - it is usually something well thought out by them - and hence deeply appreciated by us and the kids - and not something disposable or throw away.

    I have good friends. I put this mainly down to underserved good luck I think.


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    #23
    bee06
    Registered Users Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    99nsr125 wrote: »
    Lol

    Hi Mean Aunt and Uncle

    My child’s aunts and uncles don’t buy him anything apart from birthdays and Christmas. He’s absolutely obsessed with them because instead, they spend time with him doing things that he loves doing.


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    #24
    looksee
    Registered Users Posts: 28,050 ✭✭✭✭looksee


    Deleted User wrote: »
    I do not think that is a lesson I would want to be teaching my own kids at all to be honest. "Equality" is a concept I am happy to teach my children but that above is not remotely what the word means to me.

    I am usually quite happy when anyone thinks to bring anything for my kids. I would not feel right putting terms and conditions on the kindness and generosity of others - let alone to dictate to them "Do it my way or do nothing at all" as was suggested earlier in the thread.


    The other thing fortunate is that the grand parents and most of our friends know that we do not do Birthdays or Santa with each other or our kids. Rather we give gifts to our kids - each other - or our friends and family somewhat randomly and only when something truly relevant or meaningful presents (heh) itself.

    And they have all bought into this too so they rarely show up with tat for the kids just for the sake of it. If they bring something for one of our kids - which is rare enough - it is usually something well thought out by them - and hence deeply appreciated by us and the kids - and not something disposable or throw away.

    I have good friends. I put this mainly down to underserved good luck I think.

    Are you not seeing the contradiction in the two highlighted sentences? You have done more controlling of people than others who just don't want plastic tat! Your rules are much more convoluted than just 'we don't want tat' which, by the way, is not a preference that has been expressed to the gift givers, just a quiet wish; you have evidently gone to the trouble of training your family and friends!


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    #25
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    looksee wrote: »
    Are you not seeing the contradiction in the two highlighted sentences? You have done more controlling of people than others who just don't want plastic tat! Your rules are much more convoluted

    No contradiction because I do not have rules for them. Only for me. This behaviour is just what friends and family have developed over time themselves because it is how I treat them. I never once told them how to act or what to do or what my preferences are. There is no "rules" here.

    I rarely for example buy anything for my friends at Christmas or Birthdays. But I quite often do so at times that are very meaningful in some way to them or our relationship or our history together.

    So no I have not gone to any trouble or training as you put it. I have just acted a certain way myself and people bought into it and decided of their own accord to do the same back.

    And it can be quite lovely too. On an arbitrary day on the calender that you think of as nothing special - just another day - you can suddenly receive something special because someone remembered something you said - or something special happened on that day 10 years ago - or some other motive where you feel "Wow this person really thought about this" rather than "This person got an alert from their phone that my birthday was today and they felt they had to get _something_". So I quite enjoy it myself.


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    #26
    Tombo2001
    Registered Users Posts: 6,469 ✭✭✭Tombo2001


    Deleted User wrote: »
    No contradiction because I do not have rules for them. Only for me. This behaviour is just what friends and family have developed over time themselves because it is how I treat them. I never once told them how to act or what to do or what my preferences are. There is no "rules" here.

    I rarely for example buy anything for my friends at Christmas or Birthdays. But I quite often do so at times that are very meaningful in some way to them or our relationship or our history together.

    So no I have not gone to any trouble or training as you put it. I have just acted a certain way myself and people bought into it and decided of their own accord to do the same back.

    And it can be quite lovely too. On an arbitrary day on the calender that you think of as nothing special - just another day - you can suddenly receive something special because someone remembered something you said - or something special happened on that day 10 years ago - or some other motive where you feel "Wow this person really thought about this" rather than "This person got an alert from their phone that my birthday was today and they felt they had to get _something_". So I quite enjoy it myself.

    That sounds great, you must be such an inspiration for the people around you.


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    #27
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    I must be the only parent with kids whose idea of thoughtful present is cash or at a push voucher.


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    #28
    99nsr125
    Registered Users Posts: 1,183 ✭✭✭99nsr125


    bee06 wrote: »
    My child’s aunts and uncles don’t buy him anything apart from birthdays and Christmas. He’s absolutely obsessed with them because instead, they spend time with him doing things that he loves doing.

    You're conflating two different things

    Anyway
    When they come do they only spend time with one child and ignore the other or do they try to spend *equal* amounts of time with each . . . . . ?

    Edit
    Child's v childs, entirely different then


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    #29
    Tombo2001
    Registered Users Posts: 6,469 ✭✭✭Tombo2001


    meeeeh wrote: »
    I must be the only parent with kids whose idea of thoughtful present is cash or at a push voucher.

    Vbucks.

    Fake cash > real cash, apparently.


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