Trouble with my mother

LegacyUser · 11-05-2021 12:12pm #1

Hi All

I just wanted some quick advice.

I have a pretty poor relationship with my mother.

She worked hard to provide and care for us when I was younger and I appreciate that. She has plenty of other good traits.

However, there are multiple issues in our relationship which we have never dealt with. I feel that when I was growing up, she was often verbally and physically abusive towards me. She has the temper of Tony Soprano (as in 0-100 in a second) and would violently lash out at me, for example if I got a sum wrong or something simple like that (this included beatings).

Put it bluntly, I was scared of the woman and would avoid her company and stay out of her way. Never really had any stronger emotional attachment to her. I would be happy not talking to her for months when I was in college and this has stayed on into my adult years (I am in my late 20s now).

I also find she was quite controlling and manipulative about my relationships. She hated my ex-girlfriend (I think this was because the latter was a simple working class girl). What has recently put a further strain on our relationship was a major career move I decided to take (it was completely unrelated to what I was doing before, with a massive pay cut). She refused to talk to me for over a year.

What makes it infuriating though is that when we meet up at a family occasion, she pretends as if everything is dandy. She buys me presents and publically speaks to me. Then she will Whatsapp me about various political developments etc. I am just at a loss and it is infuriating.

I don't know what I am supposed to do. We tried talking about this but there was not a word of sorry from her (even though I apologised for whatever harm I might have caused). She will send whatsapps every now and again and apparently she told my dad that she is annoyed that we (me and my siblings) don't call her more.

Even though I have forgiven her (mentally) for what she did, I still find that there is a big emotional wound in me. It is searing for me to try and call the woman. We nearly always end up talking about politics or other people. Frankly, I don't want to call anymore.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Jequ0n · 11-05-2021 2:20pm

You write about what your mother wants but no word what you want for yourself?
Do you get anything out of this relationship?
Just because you are related to someone doesn’t mean you have to get on or bend over backwards to look like a picture book family.

Hannibal_Smith · 11-05-2021 2:40pm

I am exactly the same with my mother. So now I keep her at arm's length. If she starts a monologue about politics or the like, I let her get on with it. I have others in my life to share my political views with, I don't need to go down a rabbit hole with her over something she's read on the journal. When she lays the guilt trip about not calling or visiting as much as the others in the family, I let it go knowing its not my fault its like this. Don't get me wrong, over covid I was in touch all the time and helped as much as I could and I would always be available if she needed help. But this isn't a relationship I cultivated, this is what she's created so she can't expect a normal mother/daughter relationship at this stage.

It sounds like a cold and calculating approach but its how I've learned to deal with her and its taken 40+ years and many, many seriously outrageous things to get to this stage.

Like yourself I never know where or when the next twist will come from so in my mind its safer to keep an even keel of distance in the meantime.

BingCrosbee · 11-05-2021 2:46pm

My friends mother is the same, not a nice woman and she will always be like that. Has left a dreadful scar on him and his brothers. She died 2 years ago and there was 6 people at the funeral.

Antares35 · 11-05-2021 2:49pm

It's been my experience that oftentimes, people think they should be allowed get away with a lot simply because they are family. My position is that being family raises the bar - it should be a reason to treat people better, not worse. We wouldn't accept such behaviour from strangers, friends or colleagues. We shouldn't accept if from those who are meant to be in our corner.

I've spent years trying to be on ok terms with my parents, notwithstanding the great wrongs they inflicted on me. I'm civil with them now for my daughter's sake, but emotionally I have put a barrier between us. There is a limit to how much they can hurt me now, and it is very empowering. Rather than being angry (and I was for a long time) now I'm just cold. It sounds like you can manage well without her, and have done. I'd advise you to put a distance, an emotional barrier between you. A sort of keeping her at an emotional arms length, so that she cannot hurt you any more.

Another thing I've sadly learned at least in terms of my own family, is that parents tend to be slow to apologise or even realise where they are wrong. It's as if they always have that "I'm the parent so I'm right" attitude. I sought an apology or even an indication of remorse from my parents for years and it was never forthcoming..in the end, I didn't need it. Being happy without them was far more empowering. Ultimately I think they know where they have wronged us. They have to. But denial is a strong thing and perhaps all they have left.

It isn't easy OP.

Hmm_Messiah · 11-05-2021 3:15pm

my quick reading of your post suggests you do want something more, something better.

if not, there are practical things you can do to lessen your frustrations, e.g. become even more distant, or cut off completely.

But I read it as you having conflicting emotions regarding your mother, which include love. And of course a lot of negative feelings, well grounded, because your mother was .. to put it bluntly.. abusive.

Personally I think it is good that you recognised also some of her good traits. The awful things you endured remind me of people in my life. And she , like them , may be driven by meanness and being "evil" ( in that the deeds were nothing short of evil) - but I suspect, from the little I can read from your post, that it is possible your mother has what I would call a kind of "undeveloped skillset" for interaction on a personal level.

the public chatting could be all for show, and I am not sure if you mean contentious political views, or just you are stunned she seems just typical texts messages occasionally, totally blind to the chasm between you but if you mean they are just matter of fact whatsapps, I think your mum might be trying to communicate, to keep channels open, but doesn't know how too

if that were the case , and you did want some relationship, then in reality I think you need to accept her shortcomings and more importantly accept they are unlikely to change , not least in the short term.

I know other people would say you do not need to accept this behaviour ( past and present) and that the woman is an adult . And that is true. but in my experience that leads to nothing... and I am talking from the viewpoint you would like more than nothing

You seem very mature in your own feelings and your understanding of your past. you might see can you manage small interactions and see how they grow. some people realise there can be none, some realise they can manage good contact by phone but not in person etc.

You are missing the best things a mother should be to her child, but you are missing more than an ideal. you are also missing the person who is your mother, very flawed as she is

I just reread and see you cannot call the woman due to the pain. Maybe its time to accept that reality and step back further for your own sanity and health. maybe you could drop her notes ( I personally like notes as they are less open to interpretation)

To reflect maybe the first response, I think you need to decide (a) what you would really like (b) what you know is realistically possible... and reconcile yourself to the outcome - e.g. "I would like better relationship with my mum... but I know it is just too difficult and unhealthy"

Finally, as some one recently bereaved, by one parent who was impossible to have a relationship with, and one who was the most lovely person in the universe - I wish I had better relationship with both.

ANd really finally (sorry) - I would encourage you to embrace happy memories and feelings ; do not feel guilty or conflicted in handpicking some nice day, some rare event when so much awfulness - it is perfectly valid , and healthy, to embrace any moment of joy in this world of ours

mohawk · 11-05-2021 5:14pm

Hi OP

Your mother isn’t going to change and if she is anything like my mother she genuinely can’t see her role in straining your relationship. She will probably never apologise.
How do your siblings feel about your mother? Do they have ways of handling her that could work for you.
Like another poster said what do you get from the relationship? Is it a constant stress to you or are their positive parts to it.
I can’t cut my mother out because of a disabled brother so I understand that sometimes you can’t easily walk away from a relationship even when you want to.
Lastly OP you said she worked hard to provide for you, however putting a roof over your head isn’t enough. A child’s home should be a safe place where they aren’t afraid to make a mistake or are living in fear of being hurt. So don’t feel guilty at the way your relationship is. You were once a child who had no control over your surroundings and now bear the scars of that.

statto25 · 11-05-2021 6:21pm

Sounds very similar to my own parents OP. We also "wanted for nothing" as kids but that didn't include a stable home or proper love and affection a child needs to grow and prosper into a functional adult. My mother threatened to hurt my partner 15 months ago and my father tells people "I'm not well" in reference to my mental health issues. I've cut both of them out but still get texts acting like everything is dandy....I don't engage. Sometimes the hardest thing is to realise your own flesh and blood are no good for you but it's the best decision in the end.

LegacyUser · 11-05-2021 7:42pm

Thanks everyone for your kindness. Thank you for your advice.

I actually just had enough of it. I think that things have hit rock bottom and the only way is up. So I send her a message saying that what she did to me as a child was not ok and I need an apology. Also not happy about how she behaves about my life decisions.

I told her that I want to have a relationship with her but it needs to be built on truth and forgiveness, not pretending and festering wounds. At this moment I am using pure willpower to communicate with her as my emotions are screaming to do the opposite. We'll see how it goes.

PS I think this problem of abusive mothers is more common and cuts deeper than many people think. I remembered a friend who, when we were about 15, broke into tears over his mother beating him as a child.

Rubberchikken · 11-05-2021 8:41pm

Some women are bad mothers imo and maybe not good people so never see or realise the damage their behaviour causes.

I'm sorry Op that you haven't a decent relationship with your mom.

If she wants to have one with you then only she can really do that. The change has to come from her.
Good luck

mohawk · 12-05-2021 5:24pm

Rob Van Dam wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your kindness. Thank you for your advice.

I actually just had enough of it. I think that things have hit rock bottom and the only way is up. So I send her a message saying that what she did to me as a child was not ok and I need an apology. Also not happy about how she behaves about my life decisions.

I told her that I want to have a relationship with her but it needs to be built on truth and forgiveness, not pretending and festering wounds. At this moment I am using pure willpower to communicate with her as my emotions are screaming to do the opposite. We'll see how it goes.

PS I think this problem of abusive mothers is more common and cuts deeper than many people think. I remembered a friend who, when we were about 15, broke into tears over his mother beating him as a child.

OP I agree that there are many of us who have had abusive or neglectful mothers. You are definitely not alone with this and it definitely follows you to your adult life and even into your relationships.
You might not get your apology but you might get closure. In that you can walk away from the relationship if it becomes clear that no changes are forthcoming.

Trouble with my mother

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