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Now ye're talking - to a married person having an affair [Mod warning Post #1]

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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,100 ✭✭✭manonboard


    Hey OP.

    Thanks for doing this AMA.

    I dont condone your actions at all, but i also have no judgement towards them. Life is so complex, and to find oneself in a relationship with kids is of such a box in some ways, that fitting in that box could be terrible for some. Some people will find liberation in being great in that role, others will feel suffocated.

    Anyways, I have questions!

    Is there anything your wife could have done differently that would of avoided you having affairs? what needs were not being met?

    Do you think you failed to do something differently to bring whatever you needed into your relationship to meet your needs? or where things just not possible in that way? or you didnt know how?

    In terms of trust, do you feel that its possible to repair trust after the current situation? Do you feel you both have the possibility to let go of past wrongs and start afresh?

    Can you tell us any of the moments/needs/accidents/lackings that made you start to turn towards these other avenues?

    I've never cheated on a partner once, but i find my mind wanders more when things are not good between us, so i always wonder if its just limit we all have? What do you think?

    I have a theory that people who do things that are against their moral code.. keep doing them using a mechanism like: If they create guilt/shame about it, they can claim to be a 'good' person to themselves.. and yet never stop doing the action. It gives them an escape from admitting they are actually ok with their actions or are a 'bad' person in their own code. It's kinda like, as long as they can keep the drama going, they get to have their cake and eat it too.
    Would you comment on whether you feel this might be a case for you? Do you feel like your guilt or shame is a type of payoff you get to keep making yourself into a good person in your own mind?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,910 ✭✭✭begbysback


    doodledoo2 wrote: »
    My husband had an affair. And decided to leave me and the three kids for this other woman.
    My children went from happy-go-lucky, carefree children to children who turned on each other, children who feared going to school cos they never knew when the tears would hit, children who needed urgent therapeutic intervention to ensure their safety, children who could no longer fall asleep at night because their little hearts thumped so fast from anxiety because if dad can decide he prefers someone else and leave then what is to stop mam/aunty/granny from doing the same?
    My (ex) husband will tell you himself he loved me, we got on great, but he felt the sex could be more experimental.
    He left not too long after the height of the refugee crisis in Syria. My kids watched the children's news in school, and there were so many fathers who literally risked life, limbs and everything else to ensure a better life for their children. Contrast that with their dad, who deliberately broke their little hearts for his own selfish gain. If you look at the statistics for children from one-parent families, he has stacked all the decks against them.
    Life is hard enough, life is often utter sh1t. If, like you, one is lucky enough to find a woman you love, a decent woman who loves and cares for you, and to have a beautiful family with this woman, what gives you the right to treat her like this and set your children up for the inevitable fallout of rejection and abandonment (care to see what PTSD looks like in a 9-year old?).
    TLDR: As a parent and husband, you should make some sacrifices for the happiness and safety of your wife and children. why, when life can be so bloody cruel, and when people are so fragile, and when you are lucky enough to have a lovely partner and a great family, would you risk it all because you want a different kind of sex?

    That’s the thing about society’s acceptance of monogamy, anything else causes conflict between couples, would it have been easier on the kids if both you and your husband had an amicable split, did you use the kids against your husband? There’s a big difference between splitting up and abandoning a child.




  • Hi OP,

    interesting thread. I used to be a divorce lawyer (long ago now it seems) so i'm not completely unfamiliar with this area but I just wanted to say what you are going through is far more common than the replies here would have you believe. Imo, modern marriage doesn't work. It is extremely human to seek multiple partners over a lifetime.

    I have seen many, many people who are excellent parents, excellent providers and generally good people, who also want to explore the full range of human sexuality.

    I think, fwiw, you are right to stay married. You and your wife have a workable situation at the minute. I'd be reluctant to leave just because society "thinks" you should. To end with a question, how do you think society could change to accept the widespread occurrence of relationships like yours?


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Hi, I'll be getting through the posts that went up after I finished up yesterday. I'm in the US, so times are bit off for most of you.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    doodledoo2 wrote: »
    My husband had an affair. And decided to leave me and the three kids for this other woman.
    My children went from happy-go-lucky, carefree children to children who turned on each other, children who feared going to school cos they never knew when the tears would hit, children who needed urgent therapeutic intervention to ensure their safety, children who could no longer fall asleep at night because their little hearts thumped so fast from anxiety because if dad can decide he prefers someone else and leave then what is to stop mam/aunty/granny from doing the same?
    My (ex) husband will tell you himself he loved me, we got on great, but he felt the sex could be more experimental.
    He left not too long after the height of the refugee crisis in Syria. My kids watched the children's news in school, and there were so many fathers who literally risked life, limbs and everything else to ensure a better life for their children. Contrast that with their dad, who deliberately broke their little hearts for his own selfish gain. If you look at the statistics for children from one-parent families, he has stacked all the decks against them.
    Life is hard enough, life is often utter sh1t. If, like you, one is lucky enough to find a woman you love, a decent woman who loves and cares for you, and to have a beautiful family with this woman, what gives you the right to treat her like this and set your children up for the inevitable fallout of rejection and abandonment (care to see what PTSD looks like in a 9-year old?).
    TLDR: As a parent and husband, you should make some sacrifices for the happiness and safety of your wife and children. why, when life can be so bloody cruel, and when people are so fragile, and when you are lucky enough to have a lovely partner and a great family, would you risk it all because you want a different kind of sex?


    Thank you for your post. It sounds like you've had a really tough time, and I hope you and your family are doing well. My parents split when I was a kid, and I dealt with a lot of stuff due to their having a very fractious relationship afterwards. They would fight through me at times, or involve me in their arguments in a way I don't think was appropriate. Even with that, they acted with love towards me, and did their best to give me a good childhood.



    I have done wrong in my marriage by lying and acting to satisfy my own desires without talking through the situation with my wife first. I don't know that it is possible for two people to have a happy life when they swallow their feelings, and live with sadness and regret in order to stay together to raise kids. Sadness is pit that is apt to eat away at someone.



    That's my thoughts, I'm not commenting on your situation and I hope you don't feel that I'm criticising or such. I appreciate you taking the time to post.


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  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    madmaggie wrote: »
    Have you thought of the long term implications for your relationships with the children? They might not understand now, but will when they are older. I ended up being raised by neither my father or mother due to their actions. As a consequence, they were strangers to me.


    I do think about that. My parents split, and while I had full contact with them growing up, I find my relationship with them distant now. That's obviously a reflection of my personality and life experiences. I find that it's my parents inability to interact with me as an adult that is a major stumbling block. I left home after secondary school, moved to the US. I feel their view of me is frozen as the kid who left. For my kids, I want to have open and honest communication with them, not to constantly talk to them as a child, but as a nuanced person. Easier said than done of course, kids can be right arseholes when they want.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,051 ✭✭✭✭bucketybuck


    How much of a kick are you getting from the attention here? Does it feel good to pretend to be sorry online for all the hurt you caused?

    Is this just some sort of slacktivism, act contrite online, assuage your guilt here because thats easier than facing up to reality in the real world?


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Would you like your kids to have the same sort of marriage as you & your wife do? Would you like to see your daughters (if you have any) go through the same pain your wife is so clearly in? If you put them into your situation now what advice would you give them?

    Children look to their parents as an example of what a relationship should be & if one child is picking up on tension already do you not think you are both showing them what their "normal" relationship is, when it comes out that daddy has had multiple sexual encounters outside of the martial home & that you have continued on in your marriage as "normal" that this is setting an example that this is ok to do onto their future partners or to expect their partners to cheat on them and then carry on as normal but really and truly be so unhappy in their lives?


    Honestly, I wouldn't advise marriage, for anyone. I think it's an outdated concept, generally a legal complication for people's lives. It's unnecessary for raising kids or having a content life with someone else.


    I would advise them to find someone who makes them happy and who they have genuine connection with, not just physical or such. To respect themselves, and the other person, and recognise that are not perfect and make mistakes.


  • Users Awaiting Email Confirmation Posts: 1,105 ✭✭✭Limpy


    If your son or daughter ask you for advice about cheating on there partners what do you tell them?

    Would you give them tip about how to evade getting caught or would you tell them not to do it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,247 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    Well done on volunteering to do this AMA. Hope you get something back from it (apart from abuse!).

    Interesting that you think your behavior stems from a low self-esteem.

    Where do you think your low self-esteem came from? Your parents, your peers or your personality?


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  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Scarinae wrote: »
    Your wife knows about your affair and other extramarital sex; do you know if she has told any of her family or friends about it?

    You have said yourself that you and your wife are not very well matched. Do you think you staying in this relationship with your wife is stopping her from meeting someone who would be better for her?


    She has told her friends, I got a message from one of them on FB about it. I don't believe any of her family knows. She comes from a pretty conservative American Christian background. Her mother for example was very upset with her when she found out we were having our first kid.


    I have thought about if she would be happier with someone else. She met up with an old school acquaintance, who she ended up sleeping with. She seemed to get on well with him, more laughter and whatnot, but she said that he wasn't what she wanted. We don't get on badly mind, but there are just areas aren't in snyc. Our humour is different, we don't share passions or activities, and that's been a reoccurring source of friction.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Zamboni wrote: »
    There are kids involved so they come first.
    You are right - if you separate it will be a disruptive sh1show, for the kids and the economic circumstances of the family.

    My question is - can you manage to have no further affairs/sexual contact with anyone, outside of your wife, until your youngest has reached at least 18? Support your wife whilst she develops her career so that she can become financially independent of you and then you can decide jointly whether to separate or repair the marriage.
    I don't know if that is 16 years or 5 but I am sure you agree your wife and kids come before your sexual appetite and that it can be put on hold until they reach adulthood? Getting that priority wrong was the initial error. Can you now attempt to correct it.
    Also, can you get a job that doesn't require travel and remove yourself from further opportunities from temptation.


    To answer your last question first, I'm stuck with my job for at least the next 5 years. After that, I'm not sure, but saying that, the temptation is in my mind. I have to deal with it regardless of where I find myself.


    I'm not without agency over myself, and can certainly control how I act. I don't know I would be able to forge a relationship with my wife, or maybe anyone, with exclusive monogamy long term.


  • Registered Users Posts: 34 doodledoo2


    begbysback wrote: »
    That’s the thing about society’s acceptance of monogamy, anything else causes conflict between couples, would it have been easier on the kids if both you and your husband had an amicable split, did you use the kids against your husband? There’s a big difference between splitting up and abandoning a child.
    Yes there is a big difference. I think our situation was very unique. When I said he had an affair, it was actually a one night stand in a different country that he decided to pursue. The first thing he told the kids after saying he was leaving, is that he'll always be here for them, to mind and care for them as before. That was a Friday, by the Monday he was on a plane back to the US. This continued for months, often with him pretending he wasn't over there when he was. Obviously that led to the kids feeling rejected and abandoned repeatedly by him. It felt like he went on a holiday and just never bothered coming home, very hard for them to process.

    At no time in the last year and a half have all the 3 kids been comfortable seeing him, 2 out of 3 was as good as it got but depending on his behaviour, it was a different child/children at different times. I get blamed for that by him which I think shows a true lack of insight/responsibility for his actions.

    I was not set up to suddenly become a single mam. I had to take sudden days off work to cover when he would have previously minded them, had to call in favours from family and friends, had to figure out Christmas last minute on my own (no financial input given either), had to navigate the house refurb we were in the middle of (that he insisted on doing), I would lie awake wondering how I'd get all the kids out on time if there was a fire. He pays no maintenance, only half of the mortgage and some of the bills. This month he earned €12,000 and me €1,200 (part time worker). We've been through court but he doesn't comply and the arrears keep building. My youngest understands she has to wait for three days to receive her birthday presents this month as I can't afford anything until then.

    He doesn't comply with the access order but rather flits in and out, maybe only inviting one kid to McDonald's/cinema/shopping trip/holiday etc. The hardest part is watching how it has divided the children as the one who goes will get to eat and watch crap til whenever but the ones who stay at home have to eat their greens, do their homework, get to bed on time, etc. It is very hard to be the only parent who implements any rules and discipline and very hard to ensure this doesn't drive a wedge between them and me. Of course I have lots of fun with them too and we have movie nights with pizza etc, but it's not all fun and games like it is when they're with their dad.

    I'm not naive enough to think all parents should stay together but there are ways to end a marriage when children are involved. For a start you should mention (at least once!) to your spouse that you're unhappy with the status quo, probably attend mediation to agree a sensible and fair parenting plan, and ensure that finances and logistics have been worked out satisfactorily.
    Sorry for going on, believe it or not there are worse parts that I've left out! But it's possibly a handy guide on what Not to do when ending a marriage!


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,078 ✭✭✭IAMAMORON


    Are you still having sex with your wife?

    Is she having sex with anyone else?

    Is your wife having sex with anyone without your knowledge?

    Have you got your wife's phone number? ( sorry I couldn't help myself:p)


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    manonboard wrote: »
    Hey OP.

    Thanks for doing this AMA.

    I dont condone your actions at all, but i also have no judgement towards them. Life is so complex, and to find oneself in a relationship with kids is of such a box in some ways, that fitting in that box could be terrible for some. Some people will find liberation in being great in that role, others will feel suffocated.

    Anyways, I have questions!

    Is there anything your wife could have done differently that would of avoided you having affairs? what needs were not being met?


    Do you think you failed to do something differently to bring whatever you needed into your relationship to meet your needs? or where things just not possible in that way? or you didnt know how?


    I think if I had been more thoughtful, and gone about addressing my needs with her, we could've come to some agreement. She's always been open to trying new things. The issue, for me, is that while was always willing, she didn't really want to do it. When we met with another couple, she was doing to check it to a box for me , so to speak, but she didn't get any enjoyment out of it. I was always the one pulling us to do things.


    I don't think she would've been on board with me having sexual experiences with another man for example.




    In terms of trust, do you feel that its possible to repair trust after the current situation? Do you feel you both have the possibility to let go of past wrongs and start afresh?


    I don't think it's possible to ever completely repair that broken bond. It's always going to be a source of fear and doubt for her. Completely understandably so, and given the demands of my job, it's something that will continue to pressure the relationship. Every time I leave, it is another opportunity for me to betray her, in her eyes.

    Can you tell us any of the moments/needs/accidents/lackings that made you start to turn towards these other avenues?


    It started because I was curious about exploring a bisexual side of myself, and I realised I wouldn't have the ability to do that with my wife, or at least that's what I thought. So looked to do so on my own, and once I had, the enjoyment of having newness in my life was hard to ignore. I'd never been one to attract attention from women as a teenager, so to suddenly realise that I could was pretty intoxicating. I wanted more of that.

    I've never cheated on a partner once, but i find my mind wanders more when things are not good between us, so i always wonder if its just limit we all have? What do you think?


    I think that there is strong societal pressure to link sex and love, in terms of relationships. Historically, that made sense, for raising a family and having security. You can have an open relationship, but it really requires strong personalities and absolute trust and respect for each other and your boundaries. I didn't show respect and betrayed trust in my relationships. I was slow to recognise in myself what I desired and my feelings towards sex and love.

    I have a theory that people who do things that are against their moral code.. keep doing them using a mechanism like: If they create guilt/shame about it, they can claim to be a 'good' person to themselves.. and yet never stop doing the action. It gives them an escape from admitting they are actually ok with their actions or are a 'bad' person in their own code. It's kinda like, as long as they can keep the drama going, they get to have their cake and eat it too.
    Would you comment on whether you feel this might be a case for you? Do you feel like your guilt or shame is a type of payoff you get to keep making yourself into a good person in your own mind?

    There's certainly an element of that. I don't want to make a decision, because I think it would lead to a worse situation, for me and my family. I've long ago recognised that I'm not a good person. I'm dishonest and selfish, and have deliberately taken actions that I know have potential to hurt people I care about.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Hi OP,

    interesting thread. I used to be a divorce lawyer (long ago now it seems) so i'm not completely unfamiliar with this area but I just wanted to say what you are going through is far more common than the replies here would have you believe. Imo, modern marriage doesn't work. It is extremely human to seek multiple partners over a lifetime.

    I have seen many, many people who are excellent parents, excellent providers and generally good people, who also want to explore the full range of human sexuality.

    I think, fwiw, you are right to stay married. You and your wife have a workable situation at the minute. I'd be reluctant to leave just because society "thinks" you should. To end with a question, how do you think society could change to accept the widespread occurrence of relationships like yours?


    I think that we, as parents, as a society, could do a much better job of educating on the emotional contours of relationships. About how people can love differently. To know how to learn their own feelings on love and what they want out of relationships, and then to be able to articulate that to someone else. I would never have realised how much damage you can do by loving someone, the vulnerability that someone who loves you exposes. There's a need for grace and gentleness handling that. How much the ills in the stem from someone who has been hurt, or feels insecure?


  • Moderators, Regional East Moderators Posts: 21,502 Mod ✭✭✭✭Agent Smith


    Do You have a bedside locker?

    if So, Whats in your bedside locker?


    Have you ever contemplated doing a Lord Lucan on the entire situaton? where you just vanish off the face of the earth?


    Does the woman your having an affair with have a bedside locker?


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Limpy wrote: »
    If your son or daughter ask you for advice about cheating on there partners what do you tell them?

    Would you give them tip about how to evade getting caught or would you tell them not to do it.


    I would advise them to be honest with their partner about what they wanted. If they needed greater sexual experiences, then be open about that. Give the other person an opportunity to choose. Do what I didn't do.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Do You have a bedside locker?

    if So, Whats in your bedside locker?


    Have you ever contemplated doing a Lord Lucan on the entire situaton? where you just vanish off the face of the earth?


    Does the woman your having an affair with have a bedside locker?


    What do you mean by bedside locker? Not getting that reference.


    I've certainly thought about disappearing, but I couldn't miss out on my kids. I want to be in their life.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    How much of a kick are you getting from the attention here? Does it feel good to pretend to be sorry online for all the hurt you caused?

    Is this just some sort of slacktivism, act contrite online, assuage your guilt here because thats easier than facing up to reality in the real world?


    I wouldn't say I'm getting a kick out of it. I'm greatful to be able to talk about it for a change. I can't talk fully with my wife, or at least I don't want to, as I fear that I would cause everything blow up if I voiced my thoughts fully.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,100 ✭✭✭manonboard


    your responses..

    Thank you very much for taking the time and honesty to answer my questions. Best of luck with your happiness and your situation.


  • Registered Users Posts: 111 ✭✭IHeartShoes



    I love her, and have a lot of admiration for her and what she's done in her life. I do respect her, and you're right that she, and my wife, both deserve better than how I've treated them. I don't know if she lacks self esteem, she did have a previous relationship that ended badly, due to her partner cheating on her. I'm pretty sure that she would get an abortion if she got pregnant.

    I think it’s a fascinating topic, possibly because my ex husband had an affair. We separated when I found out but one is never going to get the total truth in that situation so it’s v interesting to get the perspective from the married man, in my view. So thank you!

    If you do separate from your wife, do you think you would be faithful to your current GF or would you always want to experience new sex as you refer? Is she willing to swing etc?

    Apart from sex with your wife, have you been ‘faithful’ to your GF? If not, does she know about the other (s).

    Have you discussed your wife with your GF? Does she feel at all guilty in her role in the affair given that your wife and potentially children’s’ life will be/are being devastated by the affair? It’s not a judgment. But I know many people would hold the affair partner every bit as guilty as the spouse and would be interested in her view, especially as she has been the injured party before.

    I think your wife must suffer from incredibly low self esteem to accept what she accepting from her husband. She seems aware of the detail of your affair i.e the great connection, shared interests and great sex you have with your GF. Why would she torture herself with that knowledge do you think? It must be clear to her that she will never have the same with you and that you are staying for the children. If she is accepting because of her children, then that is a supreme sacrifice. Denying herself future happiness with someone emotionally and physical compatible, that loves her above all others, so her children’s lives aren’t negatively affected? Do you have a view on that?

    Thanks again and I do hope you find resolution for all involved.

    S


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,078 ✭✭✭IAMAMORON


    Op, do you find that when men have affairs they tend to get the blame for destroying a marriage more so than when women do?

    Just flicking through some of the responses here. It seems to be that when a wife has an affair female posters seem to somehow find a way of justifying it? Excuses are given like " her husband was travelling a lot" or " her husband was not paying her enough attention" ? It always seems tolerated.

    Put it on the other foot where the mans is doing the dirt and the responses are like " oh he is a disgusting animal, he has destroyed his marriage, oh his poor poor wife, he should dissolve the marriage immediately"

    Do you find such misandry tiring after a while?

    Is your wife a bit too clingy? Is that why you got bored having sexual relations with her? Is it your wife's fault or yours?

    Have you been disrespectful and unfaithful to previous partners?


  • Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    What's your long term plan OP? I don't condone what your doing but I do feel for you. You seem really unhappy and your marriage sounds very empty.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    I think it’s a fascinating topic, possibly because my ex husband had an affair. We separated when I found out but one is never going to get the total truth in that situation so it’s v interesting to get the perspective from the married man, in my view. So thank you!

    If you do separate from your wife, do you think you would be faithful to your current GF or would you always want to experience new sex as you refer? Is she willing to swing etc?


    I would want to say yes, but being honest I'm not sure. It's hard to frame an answer without it sounding like I'm trying abdicate responsibility for my actions. I want to be a person that would have the respect to tell a partner of my thoughts and needs, rather than going behind their back and looking to satisfy them on my own. My GF and I have talked about having other sexual partners, I'm not sure she would want it, but perhaps.


    Apart from sex with your wife, have you been ‘faithful’ to your GF? If not, does she know about the other (s).


    I had a number of sexual encounters with other women. She doesn't know that, although she knows I have sex with my wife.

    Have you discussed your wife with your GF? Does she feel at all guilty in her role in the affair given that your wife and potentially children’s’ life will be/are being devastated by the affair? It’s not a judgment. But I know many people would hold the affair partner every bit as guilty as the spouse and would be interested in her view, especially as she has been the injured party before.


    I lied to her initially, she didn't know I was married when we met. She does feel guilt, she especially worries about my kids hating her. I think it's not as immediate for her, given the times we've been together, I've been away from my family. They weren't in the picture, so it wasn't as though she was stealing my from them.

    I think your wife must suffer from incredibly low self esteem to accept what she accepting from her husband. She seems aware of the detail of your affair i.e the great connection, shared interests and great sex you have with your GF. Why would she torture herself with that knowledge do you think? It must be clear to her that she will never have the same with you and that you are staying for the children. If she is accepting because of her children, then that is a supreme sacrifice. Denying herself future happiness with someone emotionally and physical compatible, that loves her above all others, so her children’s lives aren’t negatively affected? Do you have a view on that?

    Thanks again and I do hope you find resolution for all involved.

    S


    I don't know why she has stayed, I certainly wouldn't consider myself worth the pain. It can be pretty awful recognising the pain in her eyes, knowing that I have undermined her so badly.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    IAMAMORON wrote: »
    Op, do you find that when men have affairs they tend to get the blame for destroying a marriage more so than when women do?

    Just flicking through some of the responses here. It seems to be that when a wife has an affair female posters seem to somehow find a way of justifying it? Excuses are given like " her husband was travelling a lot" or " her husband was not paying her enough attention" ? It always seems tolerated.

    Put it on the other foot where the mans is doing the dirt and the responses are like " oh he is a disgusting animal, he has destroyed his marriage, oh his poor poor wife, he should dissolve the marriage immediately"

    Do you find such misandry tiring after a while?

    Is your wife a bit too clingy? Is that why you got bored having sexual relations with her? Is it your wife's fault or yours?

    Have you been disrespectful and unfaithful to previous partners?


    I'm responsible for my actions, no one else to blame there. I think anyone looking from the outside into a relationship isn't likely to have a proper grasp on the situation. There's usually a breakdown in communication, where one party has wants or needs that aren't being met by the other, for whatever reason. Honesty, as ever, is the best policy.


    I find intolerance and prejudice tiring in all it's manifestations.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    eviltwin wrote: »
    What's your long term plan OP? I don't condone what your doing but I do feel for you. You seem really unhappy and your marriage sounds very empty.


    At this stage, I don't have a plan. I'm mostly treading water. I wish I could click my fingers, and make **** better. In the short term, I want ot help my wife succeed in her new job, not undermine that by blowing up our marriage. I'm leaving soon for another extended period, figure I can just continue as is til then, and hopefully that will give her time to get established. See where we are after that.


  • Company Representative Posts: 103 Verified rep I'm married and having an affair, AMA


    Well done on volunteering to do this AMA. Hope you get something back from it (apart from abuse!).

    Interesting that you think your behavior stems from a low self-esteem.

    Where do you think your low self-esteem came from? Your parents, your peers or your personality?


    I wouldn't ascribe my actions to low self esteem. I wanted to have sex, that was the main instigator.


    I don't really like who I have become, that's probably the main driver of my lack of value towards myself. I'm dishonest, not taking actions in my life that I should be doing. I don't have the life or relationships that I want, feel I've wasted a large part of myself.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,828 ✭✭✭bullvine


    You seem really sad and you have difficulty explaining to core reasons for the affair. Have you thought about some sort of mental therapy?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 21,489 ✭✭✭✭Tell me how


    I wouldn't ascribe my actions to low self esteem. I wanted to have sex, that was the main instigator.


    I don't really like who I have become, that's probably the main driver of my lack of value towards myself. I'm dishonest, not taking actions in my life that I should be doing. I don't have the life or relationships that I want, feel I've wasted a large part of myself.

    How much of this is done to the fact that you are cheating, or are you cheating because this is the person you are at this point in you life?


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