Asked about having kids

LegacyUser · 17-05-2021 12:12pm #1

My wife and I have been married for almost a year and have been together for 5 years now. I'm 36 and she's 30. Last night, after a couple of glasses of wine, she asked me about having children. I had already told her early on in our relationship that I didn't want children but it seems that she's now getting pressured from her colleagues at work.

I repeated my stance that I'm not interested. That got her upset, she said she thought I was warming to the idea and then said that her family bloodline is going to die off because none of her cousins had children and she's an only child. About the work pressure, I told her it most likely wouldn't stop with one, they'd be like "ah you can't just have one, they need a brother or sister".

Later in the night she apologised to me. I thought that the drink might have been talking but she said that while she doesn't feel the urge right away, she doesn't know how she'll feel in a few years time. It's really freaking me out at the moment because I know a couple who divorced over this very issue; she wanted kids and he didn't.

I don't know where to go from here. I don't have the patience for a child and quite frankly don't like them, as bad as that sounds. I'm not the least bit paternal and don't want to be forced into it. I'm afraid this is going to get bigger and bigger over time but, as I said above, my intentions were clear from the start.

jelly&icecream · 17-05-2021 1:31pm

Eeep. Tricky one OP. You've done nothing wrong here and have been upfront and honest from the offset.

But it maybe that her feeling on this are changing. She's at the age now where friends will be starting families etc and her own biological clock's ticking will be getting louder. While she may have had no interest in kids in her 20s... This might be changing.

Now maybe it's just a momentary lapse on her part. But if it isn't then things are going to get awkward. There's no real compromise here. Only outcome is someone being full of resentment. Either you if you have a kid or her if you don't agree to try.

listermint · 17-05-2021 1:33pm

There is zero chance work colleagues are behind her ask.

She started the conversation because she wants to have children. I think you have to talk openly and honestly about it. And side excuses like someone else courting her brain into it are simply not the case.

Car99 · 17-05-2021 1:34pm

I would say you two need to have a very open and very honest conversation about this as soon as possible.

osarusan · 17-05-2021 1:37pm

'Pressured from her colleagues at work'? That's no reason to have kids, and maybe she's just using this as a way to introduce the topic (or re-introduce it). The 'family bloodline' likewise.

Seems like you've been clear about what you wanted the whole time. Did you have this discussion before you got married, and how did that turn out? Was she on the same page as you then, or was it a discussion that got kicked down the road.

Perhaps your wife thought you'd change your mind as time went by, but you haven't. It might be worth making that clear one more time (in the sober light of day).

Princess Calla · 17-05-2021 1:39pm

I think you need to sit down and have a sober conversation about this.

How do you feel about a vasectomy? This will really show you are serious and also rule out accidents etc.

There's no compromise in this situation, she obviously thought she'd "change" you.

If she can't accept it, and really accept it, you will need to accept the marriage is over.

Best of luck, I don't envy you especially as you were honest.

mohawk · 17-05-2021 1:41pm

This is a very tricky situation OP. You were clear from the start. However, sometimes people change and your wife could be rethinking her original stance. I thought the biological clock thing was rubbish until I hit my thirties. But honestly for many women it’s a real thing.
Unfortunately, children is definitely an area a couple can’t compromise on. If you don’t want kids you definitely shouldn’t have them, however if you do want kids that urge doesn’t go away to easy. At your wife’s age, her friends will nearly all go off and have children over the next few years. It will be tough for her if she really wants them.
All I can say OP is be prepared that this could come up again. At some point she has a decision to make before it’s too late.

Caranica · 17-05-2021 1:42pm

There's every chance her work colleagues started it, this is Ireland and people get over involved in other people's business.

I'm coming at this from the other side, I was you but I'm a woman. So I got it from family and colleagues but I was always clear that it was nobody's business but ours

He knew how strongly I felt and hoped I'd change my mind. Long story short, marriage ended. I'm better out of it and very happy to be childless.

Ann84 · 17-05-2021 1:47pm

She is only 30 and based on her apparent reasons for raising the subject then yes this is absolutely going to become more of an issue.
There are many many many people both male AND female who don’t think they will ever want kids in their 20’s but change their minds in their 30’s for all sorts of reasons (peer pressure from work colleagues is not one) but look the reality here is that if she does want kids, and you absolutely do not - it’s not something that can be compromised on so a serious discussion is required ASAP...
Ye have been together since she was early 20’s and it sounds like it’s something she thought would just happen as ye got older. You need to be clear that this is something that isn’t on the cards for you - ever and if she wants to have kids, it will have to be with someone else.
It won’t go away and resentment will destroy ye if she does and you don’t.
As someone else mentioned, a vasectomy would be useful to show your serious and also, ensure no “accidents” happen...

ManOfMystery · 17-05-2021 2:06pm

Most relationship issues can be resolved via compromise.

This one can't. Both people have to want to be parents, and both need to be on board with the idea. There is no middle ground.

You have been clear about your thoughts on children from the start, and you haven't changed. If she ignored this earlier, or thought it was a phase you were in which might pass, that's not your fault. Equally, if she's starting to feel broody and is aware of that ticking clock, it's not her fault how she feels either. It just is what it is.

However she will have to be 100% honest about if she can accept a life with you - minus children - or if it's so important to her that your relationship would have to end so she can find that with someone else.

I think it's only fair to both of you that you have this discussion sooner rather than later. It will only become harder - both physically and emotionally - the longer it drags on.

qwerty13 · 17-05-2021 2:11pm

I don’t envy you OP. Some tough choices to be made.

It struck me that she was blaming peer pressure from her colleagues though - and then her ‘family line’ being no more. Not reasons I’ve ever heard of for anyone to have kids! What on earth was that about?? Or was she just saying that, instead of being honest and admitting that she is changing her mind about kids?

You say that you had a conversation with her at the start of the relationship about no kids. Did you have the same conversation again before getting married? I’m wondering why she made a comment about you ‘warming to it’. Or is that more cracked stuff like ‘because my work mates keep asking me about kids’?

Be very careful about contraception.

shesty · 17-05-2021 2:12pm

She may be getting asked at work and it has started her thinking that maybe she would like a child.
Serious enough OP, you need to have a very honest conversation about this.

wildwillow · 17-05-2021 6:01pm

This is a black and white issue. If you are sure you don't want children and she does, then there is no compromise. You seem sure so unlikely to change your mind.

She has at least fifteen years where she can become pregnant and that is a long time to hold the line if you both don't agree.

Many people never make an actual decision before marriage and I admire you for your honesty.

I don't envy you the conversation you must have with our wife.

She also needs to be secure in her decision, either to permanently give up on children or on her marriage.

Dial Hard · 17-05-2021 6:43pm

Ooh, my heart goes out to you OP. My own marriage ended over this very issue, only with the genders reversed. I was crystal clear with my ex from pretty much as soon as we met that children were never going to be on the table. He genuinely thought he was fine with that, and was for a long time. Unfortunately his feelings changed and I can't hold that against him.

As others have said, this is the ultimate dealbreaker, the one thing you can't compromise on - you can't have half a baby. I can't tell you how horrendous it was to break up while I was still madly in love with my partner, but there really was no alternative.

I wish you the very best with this. Maybe she'll "revert" to her previous position (quotation marks are because I suspect she never really held it), perhaps you'll have a Damascene conversion and realise you want children after all, but I suspect this isn't going to end well. And I am genuinely sorry to have to say that. What I will also say is that if you know in your heart of hearts what you need to do here, don't prolong things or delay the inevitable, it will 100% only make things harder. Speaking from experience I wish I didn't have there.

heretothere · 18-05-2021 2:12am

All you can do is have a very serious conversation. If ye had this conversation a few years ago when she was still mid 20s it's entirely possible she has changed her mind, which is fine. You haven't changed your mind which is also fine.

I don't really see there being any compromise on this if ye are both firmly on opposite sides. It's going to be a very hard conversation but do it with a clear hear. It's going to be hard for both of you

ted1 · 18-05-2021 12:44pm

askedaboutkids wrote: »

I had already told her early on in our relationship that I didn't want children but it seems that she's now getting pressured from her colleagues at work.

Or maybe she’s older now. Understands her biological clock and wants a child

Goodigal · 18-05-2021 2:12pm

When I got married at 30, I had no plans to have babies. My husband felt the same. But I turned 33 and it was like a bolt of lightning hitting. I needed to be a parent. Thankfully my husband had no problems with this. Both of my sons have autism so I often wonder what if I had not had those feelings. But I would not change them for the world no matter the madness some days.

You've very difficult discussions to have with your wife. Her feelings have obviously changed. Yours haven't. It's not something one or the other can compromise on. Wishing you luck with reaching a decision on it.

lawred2 · 18-05-2021 2:16pm

askedaboutkids wrote: »

My wife and I have been married for almost a year and have been together for 5 years now. I'm 36 and she's 30. Last night, after a couple of glasses of wine, she asked me about having children. I had already told her early on in our relationship that I didn't want children but it seems that she's now getting pressured from her colleagues at work.

I'm afraid you are deluding yourself if you think work colleagues are driving her thinking on this..

It is entirely possible for someone to change their thinking on something as fundamental as this. And also entirely human and understandable. What held 5/6 years ago doesn't always have to hold.

Tricky one for the two of you.

But if she wants children and you truly truly don't then you might have a very tough decision to make. For the both of you.

Thelonious Monk · 18-05-2021 3:09pm

I know a good few girls who never wanted kids and then suddenly knocked out a couple of them in their late 30s when it's last chance saloon, so I always took women saying they dont want kids when they're younger with a pinch of salt. Biological urges nearly always win out, there are exceptions to this but they seem to be few and far between.

19-05-2021 6:22pm

Did she ever tell you outright that she never wanted children either, before you were married?

It sounds to me like she thought once you were married that you'd come around to the idea. I don't believe this is being driven by work colleagues asking questions (more likely work colleagues are having babies and its making her broody) or because her "line" is dying out. She's probably been thinking about it for some time, and it took some dutch courage for her to raise the subject with you.

She has either changed her mind or always thought you'd come around to the idea, eventually. I feel sorry for you both. Some tough decisions ahead.

forestgirl · 19-05-2021 10:50pm

This is a difficult one op, I'd say she had hoped you would change your mind and even if you agree to just have one child I can see you having this very same conversation in another 2 years because she will definitely want at least one sibling.
Its very possible that you will split as it would seem only fair to the both of you at this time but be prepared to watch her move on with someone else.
Also you could change your own mind in your 40s and thats OK to,but she has to respect that you voiced your wishes before you married her, good luck op going forward.

Also be mindful of the fact you said you don't like children or have patience for them,of course you don't because they are not yours and that's a normal enough feeling but you would most likely absolutely adore your own children ðŸ˜Š

LegacyUser · 22-05-2021 2:53am

Did you only ever discuss it early on? Did you not discuss and reiterate it again prior to getting engaged or married?

You said she thought you were warming to the idea? where did that come from?

It's complete nonsense that this is down to pressure from work colleagues though, no one would have babies for that reason.

JustAThought · 22-05-2021 7:18pm

you’re being put between a rock and a hard place here OP and what’s really unfair on you is that you were honest from the start. Was this a conversation you had often or late into your 5 year relationship or a once off early on - which she thought you’d change your mind about?

You mention that you’re in a bit of a panic and a friends marriage broke up over this. Would your feelings be child adverse enough to see her walk over this issue and let her walk without yielding?

You mentioned your reasons for bot wanting children - not liking them (fine) and not being paternal (fine). Is it a case that of you were given a cold choice between losing her and possibly not finding someone else you love as much who also dosn’t want children that you could come to some edwardian style arrangement .Live in Au pair to allow you nights out & off whenever you fancied & take the burden off, wife stays at home and you are the main breadwinner so absent from 8-6 every day (not seeing much children then) , own ‘private’ study/office (AKA Library!) which is a child free zone and they they don’t have access to should you need to retreat before they fo to bed at 8pm - an hour after dinner and just an hour and a half after you get hime from work.

Many of us (maybe) were brought up in an authoritarian mother centric household with fathers mostly working, golfing or unavailable (in his office/den/working late/out/busy etc). If you set rules and could agree Are there rules you couod make to set expectations low so you can have the life and lifestyle and love you want, without losing the love of your life -your wife? It sounds a bit ruthless written down but in fact in old fashioned traditional marriages and divisions of labour its the way many of us were brought up and could be modelled to suit both your needs. And should you like them enough to engage paternally every day Families Ties style then so be it. Thats a different thing.

I fin other peoples small and loud/pushy and often spoiled and totally overindulged children an ongoing bore, a chire to be around for longer than basic kiss and greet seasions and pain in the ****. You are certainly not alone in this or in wanting to have a little as possible to do with them. Working back in the office, rules, an own space den (non negotiable) and a live and well treated au pair are all tried and tested very good good solutions once you both know boundaries and expectations. .

eviltwin · 22-05-2021 7:56pm

JustAThought wrote: »

you’re being put between a rock and a hard place here OP and what’s really unfair on you is that you were honest from the start. Was this a conversation you had often or late into your 5 year relationship or a once off early on - which she thought you’d change your mind about?

You mention that you’re in a bit of a panic and a friends marriage broke up over this. Would your feelings be child adverse enough to see her walk over this issue and let her walk without yielding?

You mentioned your reasons for bot wanting children - not liking them (fine) and not being paternal (fine). Is it a case that of you were given a cold choice between losing her and possibly not finding someone else you love as much who also dosn’t want children that you could come to some edwardian style arrangement .Live in Au pair to allow you nights out & off whenever you fancied & take the burden off, wife stays at home and you are the main breadwinner so absent from 8-6 every day (not seeing much children then) , own ‘private’ study/office (AKA Library!) which is a child free zone and they they don’t have access to should you need to retreat before they fo to bed at 8pm - an hour after dinner and just an hour and a half after you get hime from work.

Many of us (maybe) were brought up in an authoritarian mother centric household with fathers mostly working, golfing or unavailable (in his office/den/working late/out/busy etc). If you set rules and could agree Are there rules you couod make to set expectations low so you can have the life and lifestyle and love you want, without losing the love of your life -your wife? It sounds a bit ruthless written down but in fact in old fashioned traditional marriages and divisions of labour its the way many of us were brought up and could be modelled to suit both your needs. And should you like them enough to engage paternally every day Families Ties style then so be it. Thats a different thing.

I fin other peoples small and loud/pushy and often spoiled and totally overindulged children an ongoing bore, a chire to be around for longer than basic kiss and greet seasions and pain in the ****. You are certainly not alone in this or in wanting to have a little as possible to do with them. Working back in the office, rules, an own space den (non negotiable) and a live and well treated au pair are all tried and tested very good good solutions once you both know boundaries and expectations. .

Your “solution” is absolutely horrific. There is a reason old fashioned values of the distant and absent father disappeared - it’s not a healthy way to raise children. It’s also not a solution. He doesn’t want kids but she does. I presume by saying he doesn’t want kids he means he doesn’t want to father them in the first place, not just that he wants to be a deadbeat dad. And I’m sure when she says she wants kids she means she wants a family, not a sperm donor.

Honestly I can’t believe anyone would think all that is a viable option.

wildwillow · 22-05-2021 8:03pm

Don't do what Justathought says. Nobody wins in that kind of set up.

Decide which is most important, not having a child or keeping your marriage. Only you know the answer, but be prepared to beak up.

cocker5 · 22-05-2021 9:38pm

There is no compromise here.

If you don’t want children (for whatever reason) don’t have them - don’t do it to save a marriage - it’s receipe for disaster .. and rarely works.

Speak open and honest to your wife and go from there .. whatever happens.

We’re in our 40’s don’t have kids, never wanted kids but we were both very open and honest from the outset (together over 20 years - married for half of that) ..

Over the years a few people asked the question.. I made our choice quiet clear and after about 2/3 years of marriage they stopped..

Now we get the comments ‘ahh it’s ok for you .. you don’t have kids’

Morale of the story whatever your life choices people can’t help but butt in .. do what’s best for u .. it’s not a decision to be taken lightly ..

We are happy with our decision and enjoying our life .. it is possible to be happy and not to have regrets regarding having no kids .

JPup · 22-05-2021 10:51pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Your “solution” is absolutely horrific. There is a reason old fashioned values of the distant and absent father disappeared - it’s not a healthy way to raise children. It’s also not a solution. He doesn’t want kids but she does. I presume by saying he doesn’t want kids he means he doesn’t want to father them in the first place, not just that he wants to be a deadbeat dad. And I’m sure when she says she wants kids she means she wants a family, not a sperm donor.

Honestly I can’t believe anyone would think all that is a viable option.

Most people seem to agree with this reply but honestly I don’t think JustAthoughts suggestion is terrible.

A lot of people have said there is no compromise on this issue, but there absolutely is. And one way is that you have a child on the understanding that you will able to be a little old school standoffish if you like. Keep your me time. Your own interests. Whatever it is you are worried about losing. If you love your wife, you should consider it.

Everyone is different of course, but becoming a father was the best thing that ever happened to me. You will never know love like that you have for your child. It changes your life completely, but the good hugely outweighs the bad. Children remind us not to take things too seriously, to live in the moment. When you say you don’t like children, you are thinking of someone else’s kids. It’s different when they are your own and you love them.

notsoyoungwan · 23-05-2021 6:12am

Wrt to Just A Thiught’s post, it’s an awful idea. Not just for reasons another poster has pointed out, but because parenthood isn’t (and shouldn’t be) just about how much actual engagement you have with the children. One of the reasons some people choose to stay childfree is that they don’t want the responsibility and commitment of children. The worry about them. The fact that they now have to be factored into every decision you make. The financial commitment. The responsibility to raise a decent well-functioning person. Having children changes your life completely. If the op doesn’t want that, and he’s well within his rights not to want it, and to be fair to him he’s made that clear from the start, then having children in a set up where you’re effectively an absent father is in no way a decent compromise.

notsoyoungwan · 23-05-2021 6:21am

forestgirl wrote: »

Also be mindful of the fact you said you don't like children or have patience for them,of course you don't because they are not yours and that's a normal enough feeling but you would most likely absolutely adore your own children &#55357;&#56842;

JPup wrote: »

You will never know love like that you have for your child. It changes your life completely, but the good hugely outweighs the bad. Children remind us not to take things too seriously, to live in the moment. When you say you don’t like children, you are thinking of someone else’s kids. It’s different when they are your own and you love them.

While well-meaning, both these posts are a little dangerous. It’s incredibly risky to have kids you don’t want, hoping that once they arrive you’ll ‘feel different’. There’s no certainty whatsoever that you will feel different. And regretting having children must be a truly horrendous thing. You can’t hand them back! On any discussion forum I’ve read, posts from those who regret having had their kids are actually heartbreaking. There’s such a taboo about even admitting it, it’s an awful lonely place to be. Few parents understand people who are truly childfree by choice, and these cliches are frequently trotted out by parents by means of encouragement to take the leap.

There’s a childfree forum on boards op, frequented mostly by those childfree by choice, (who have heard all the attempts at persuasion before!) you might get more support there. I’ve no idea how to link to it but it’s in the new forums section.

JPup · 23-05-2021 9:15am

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

While well-meaning, both these posts are a little dangerous. It’s incredibly risky to have kids you don’t want, hoping that once they arrive you’ll ‘feel different’. There’s no certainty whatsoever that you will feel different. And regretting having children must be a truly horrendous thing. You can’t hand them back! On any discussion forum I’ve read, posts from those who regret having had their kids are actually heartbreaking. There’s such a taboo about even admitting it, it’s an awful lonely place to be. Few parents understand people who are truly childfree by choice, and these cliches are frequently trotted out by parents by means of encouragement to take the leap.

There’s a childfree forum on boards op, frequented mostly by those childfree by choice, (who have heard all the attempts at persuasion before!) you might get more support there. I’ve no idea how to link to it but it’s in the new forums section.

Fair enough. I just tend to think that on message boards like this people tend to lurch toward extremes. So in this case the responses are that this is make or break, no compromise, probably the end of the marriage. In real life I suspect people would be more nuanced in their replies. Plenty of successful fathers have started out in their 30s with severe doubts.

For those message boards you mention of people regretting their children, honestly I think that is rare. Plenty of parents are frustrated and pulling their hair out at times, but to actually be willing to send them back if they could magically I doubt is more than a few percent. You could equally point to lonely people in later life who look back wishing they had kids.

Plus you have to factor in the gender side here. The country is full of Dads who work all week and then go out for hours on end golfing or cycling or to the pub or whatever. It doesn’t make them deadbeat Dads. Just that it’s culturally more acceptable for men to carve out time away from the family than it is for women.

So plenty of room for compromise as I said. You could agree to just one child. Not having two close together taking a lot of pressure off. If you have help from family or childcare that eases the strain a lot too. So I think the OP can keep a happy marriage and ease a lot of the concerns he has around parenthood also.

pc7 · 23-05-2021 9:21am

Awful situation for you both, all you can do is try talk. She needs to know you won’t change your mind and if she wants them and won’t change hers there is no way your relationship can survive. It’ll eat away at it with resentment on both sides.
Hopefully you guys can talk it out.

Asked about having kids

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