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Said last goodbye with a handshake

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  • 18-08-2018 9:18pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    My best friend died from cancer six weeks ago. We were friends for twenty years and it was a big shock to me even though it was terminal from diagnosis. He was married with four children and lived about an hour and a half's drive away from me. He died six months after he was diagnosed and I got to see him twice in those six months.
    Obviously with the chemo he wasn't strong enough for many visitors in those six months. I would have visited him more often but priority had to go to his immediate family and relatives (that's only right of course). I don't really like talking on the phone so I didn't ring him in that period at all. I texted him on and off though. When he told me he had cancer I was a bit thrown by it and it took me a while to work up the courage to visit him. I was also nervous and apprehensive going to meet him. I suffer a bit from social anxiety and I am not comfortable in situations like that. It seems ridiculous that you could be uncomfortable with a person you have known for twenty years but that's the nature of social anxiety.
    I also have very low self-esteem and I didn't feel good enough to be friends with this guy. He was a university lecturer with a Masters and Phd. I have a fairly good job and am educated to degree level but I don't own my own home and I am unmarried with no kids.
    I always felt a bit beneath him but I am certain he never viewed me in this way.
    My last meeting with him was two weeks before he died. When I was leaving the house I said goodbye and shook his hand. I was going to give him a hug but there were other people around and I decided not to. The time I met him before that I did give him a hug.
    I was sure I would see him again before he died but I should have known I wouldn't because he was very frail and weak. He slipped into a coma a week later and died at the end of the following week.
    I don't really like hugging people in general (or being hugged). I don't know why, it wasn't really something I experienced much from my parents or anyone else growing up. Even at the funeral I didn't like it when someone hugged me.
    I am devastated since my friend's death and haven't stopped thinking of it .It's the worst bereavement I've had in my life. I really regret not giving him a hug and it's been tearing me up ever since. I just have this terrible feeling that he went to his grave thinking I wan't too bothered that he died. Nothing could be further from the truth of course.
    I drove down to see him a week before he died but I got a call when I was a few miles away saying that he wasn't well enough for another visitor as he already had a few people to see him that day. I am not sure if he knew I tried to see him.
    It gets to me though that I didn't say a proper goodbye.


Comments

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    #2
    farmchoice
    Registered Users Posts: 1,026 ✭✭✭farmchoice


    albert_98 wrote: »
    My best friend died from cancer six weeks ago. We were friends for twenty years and it was a big shock to me even though it was terminal from diagnosis. He was married with four children and lived about an hour and a half's drive away from me. He died six months after he was diagnosed and I got to see him twice in those six months.
    Obviously with the chemo he wasn't strong enough for many visitors in those six months. I would have visited him more often but priority had to go to his immediate family and relatives (that's only right of course). I don't really like talking on the phone so I didn't ring him in that period at all. I texted him on and off though. When he told me he had cancer I was a bit thrown by it and it took me a while to work up the courage to visit him. I was also nervous and apprehensive going to meet him. I suffer a bit from social anxiety and I am not comfortable in situations like that. It seems ridiculous that you could be uncomfortable with a person you have known for twenty years but that's the nature of social anxiety.
    I also have very low self-esteem and I didn't feel good enough to be friends with this guy. He was a university lecturer with a Masters and Phd. I have a fairly good job and am educated to degree level but I don't own my own home and I am unmarried with no kids.
    I always felt a bit beneath him but I am certain he never viewed me in this way.
    My last meeting with him was two weeks before he died. When I was leaving the house I said goodbye and shook his hand. I was going to give him a hug but there were other people around and I decided not to. The time I met him before that I did give him a hug.
    I was sure I would see him again before he died but I should have known I wouldn't because he was very frail and weak. He slipped into a coma a week later and died at the end of the following week.
    I don't really like hugging people in general (or being hugged). I don't know why, it wasn't really something I experienced much from my parents or anyone else growing up. Even at the funeral I didn't like it when someone hugged me.
    I am devastated since my friend's death and haven't stopped thinking of it .It's the worst bereavement I've had in my life. I really regret not giving him a hug and it's been tearing me up ever since. I just have this terrible feeling that he went to his grave thinking I wan't too bothered that he died. Nothing could be further from the truth of course.
    I drove down to see him a week before he died but I got a call when I was a few miles away saying that he wasn't well enough for another visitor as he already had a few people to see him that day. I am not sure if he knew I tried to see him.
    It gets to me though that I didn't say a proper goodbye.


    i'm really sorry to hear about your friend. its a terrible loss for you. i'm sure he knew how you felt and i bet a handshake was your usual greeting so if it was your last physical contact then perhaps thats fitting in itself.


    you said he had 4 children, in a little while, when you feel the time is right, visit them and their mother, tell them a few stories about their dad, what a good guy he was and how he was a great friend to you.


    keep in touch with them and look out for them a little, honor your friendship in that way.


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    #3
    EdgeCase
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,471 ✭✭✭EdgeCase


    Always remember that friends understand each other's personalities, ways of thinking and quirks.
    You don't have to put on a show for a close friend. That's part of the essence of being a close friend. I would be very sure that he knew exactly how you felt and understood how you express your emotions and the subtleties of your personality.

    There's also no right or wrong way of expression emotions. Different people are different. That's what makes us unique and I think he appreciated you for being you. That's why you were friends.

    You were there for him in a lot of ways - by text, by calling in occasionally and by knowing when he needed space and when to stand back. He knew you were there and I am sure, if he needed you, he knew he could call. Sometimes you don't need to call al the time, but just knowing someone's there should you need to is a big deal. There's a quite comfort of knowing that you have a good friend and sometimes that's unspoken. It doesn't always need to be physically expressed. It's just known. You don't need to be in each others' pockets all the time, but you're there nonetheless.

    He obviously played a big part in your life and remember his legacy is in your memories too. Remember the good times and that he had a positive influence on you. Those memories and influences are part of who you are and it's one way in which people live on through those they encountered through their life.

    As the previous poster said, maybe share your memories with his family when you feel up to it and when you feel the time is right.

    I just lost my mum very suddenly a few weeks ago and I know that it's been an absolutely massive comfort to me to share some of those memories of her with some of her friends, several of whom I hardly ever met, but it was great to just take time to talk about her with them and hear about other aspects and eras of her life. I know that a large part of my mom's legacy is out there in the memories of those she encountered over the years and it was really good to hear all of those stories.


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    #4
    Oink
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 2,150 Mod ✭✭✭✭Oink


    It’s important to be as kind and understanding to yourself as you would to other people - you need it and deserve it just as much.

    He would have forgiven you, because he was clearly a good man, and a good friend. You need to forgive yourself for any perceived failing.

    In the end all that matters is the true friendship you had. The rest will fade away.

    I am sorry for your loss.


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    #5
    margo321
    Registered Users Posts: 185 ✭✭margo321


    terribly sad. I think you did say good bye properly. your friend knew you long enough to know you're not a hugger. We all have our own ways and accept friends especially long term friends as they are.


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    #6
    tayto lover
    Registered Users Posts: 51,485 ✭✭✭✭tayto lover


    You did all you could OP. Don't let your thoughts eat you up. Your friend understood how you felt.


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    #7
    wakka12
    Registered Users Posts: 9,786 ✭✭✭wakka12


    After twenty years of friendship he would know your personality very well, and know that even if you didn't hug, it doesnt mean anything , at all, its just how are you, you're not physically affectionate and thats totally fine.Im not particularly physical affectionate with my parents but they know that I love them dearly. Try not to think over the small things, Im sure he appreciated having you in his life so much, think about all the good times you had together ! Theres really no point in worrying, he's gone, thinking about this minute issue will do nothing but make you feel bad, when theres absolutely no reason to. So sorry for your loss, such a sad story, cancer taking the young is always so tragic and just so unfair


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    #8
    Baybay
    Registered Users Posts: 1,034 ✭✭✭Baybay


    The last thing father said to me before he died was for me to go home & not be annoying him. I know he loved me, that he was very ill & just didn’t want the worry of me travelling late. I have no negative feelings about his choice of words that day & if anything, find them amusing.
    I have little remembrance at all about my last words with my mother.
    My point is, there’s no right or wrong way to say goodbye just as there’s no right or wrong way to grieve.
    Be kind to yourself.


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    #9
    iamwhoiam
    Registered Users Posts: 16,072 ✭✭✭✭iamwhoiam


    I am sorry for your loss OP . You did say goodbye in the right way , the way that was you , the way you felt was right between you both . A visit means a lot to people and he will remember that you came and not whether it was a handshake or a hug . Mourn his loss , remember his friendship and don't fret . He knew you were a friend


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    #10
    GolfVI
    Registered Users Posts: 182 ✭✭GolfVI


    We often greet new people into our lives with a handshake so i think its perfectly fine to say goodbye that way too, not every goodbye needs to be hugs and tears. A simple handshake between two best friends is sometimes all it takes and im sure he knew it was enough


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    #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Sorry for the late reply, I was feeling a bit low when I posted the thread so I was actually a bit too embarrassed to look at it until now. Very sorry to EdgeCase on your mother's passing, especially as it was sudden.
    I suppose what you all have said is right and thanks to you all for taking the time to reply. Yeah I'd say he knew I wasn't much into emotional gestures so maybe he didn't think anything of it.
    He knew I was kind of nervous and quiet as well so he probably didn't read too much into what I did or didn't do in the last meetings(s) we had.
    I suppose when you are dying of cancer you have other things on your mind.
    I'd give anything to just have one last conversation with him though. But I bet a lot of people reading this thread could say the same about a person they have lost.
    Thanks again.


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