Things you'd like to say to them

CaraMay wrote: »

Banie you deserve two great loves as one was taken from you too soon. Glad all is going so well for you with your 'new' lady as I remember your posts leading up to you two getting together. Enjoy.

Agree with this. Maybe you just bring out the big softie in me banie but your posts always bring a tear to my eye but a smile as well. Wishing you all the best always.

jobyrne30 wrote: »

Just over five weeks since you passed, in that time our first born, our beautiful honey moon daughter has had her sixth birthday and tonight her first tooth fell out. She's so excited and I'm devastated that you aren't here to see her and her sister grow up, to witness these events which would have meant so much to you.

You are our Angel and my soul mate;- I miss you so very much. The void in my heart will never fill. You where too young to leave us, just thirty three. You are missed by so many, you where loved by so many. The girls will always know you, they'll never forget their beautiful mother who's smile could light up a room and who's hugs could warm the coldest of hearts.

Michelle I love you and always will.

I couldn't read your post and not leave a reply of some sort.
There's nothing I can say that will alleviate your loss or your pain and hearing people say "time heals" sounds empty and hollow when your whole world has collapsed......
Take strength from your kids, they''ll keep you going on the days you want to shut out the world.
Be mindful of yourself, and don't be afraid to lean on friends and family when the darkness,loneliness and fear wash over you.
Take it from someone who knows, there is only so long you can stay "strong".
Look after yourself.
And I'm sorry for your loss, sorry that you ever had to feel the pain of losing your hoped for future.

Funny how this week always seems bright and sunny....!
I really feel the one time I can accurately predict the weather is always this week.

7yrs ago the worst experience of my life kicked off when you collapsed...
I don't remember much of the time you spent in the hospital, its all a blur really
Apat from a conversation with your Dad, and us chasing the Donation coordinater to be sure some good could come of losing you....
Apart from hoping for a miracle!
I remember that!
The hope that every twitch brought, hope nearly killed me!

I do however remember the sun shining though whenever I walked outside the hospital.
Basking in brightness whilst our son's and my world was collapsing and wondering?
How?
How could the sun still shine?
How could the world keep turning?
Did the universe not know our light was going out?
How dare it be sunny....
It should've been dark! DARK!
Because I was facing blackness without you....!

Every year since the weather around now has been the same....
Bright, sunny, beautiful inspiring smiles and making people happy....
Like you.....

Now I don't begrudge the sun and the beautiful weather....
I like to think its you, helping show me that even in my darkest moments...
That there is always light, always hope and while you may not get your wished for outcome...
You will find the strength to cope if you just hold on.
Love and miss ya always Kate, xoxo

banie01 wrote: »

Kate, its been a really strange few weeks!
It would've/should've been the 18th anniversary of our 1st meeting last week
I miss you, I miss us....
All the time I was upset and heartsick I was being looked after, I was being minded and loved!
And for that...I am lucky and I hope that I can repay her in some small way the love I have been shown.
I won't lie that dichotomy of missing you, while being with someone I love and who loves me really is a headscratcher but I'll learn to deal with it, without feeling soul destroying guilt or as if I'm cheating on ye both....
Eventually

Then for a while I really did think that at least one of the writers for How I Met Your Mother is following me around!
Because when the ''Mother's'' How I met Your Father story episode was on, and how her little story arc paralleled ours...
The words she said to her friend's about love, about buying a lottery ticket and winning the jackpot and that surely there was no point in trying to find to love again because noone could be that lucky twice....
To the moment where she walked outside to talk to the sky and ask ''permission'' to try and move on.....
That whole episode left me heartbroken, it really did silly as that sounds

Then I remember something, Its not that I'm being followed or inspiring anyone to write ''my'' story.
Its that other people have loved and lost too, and so many of the experiences are common to us all.
I still find myself talking to you, and I always will....

Love ya more than chips Babe

Yknow I watched that finale too, and it got to me too - when Barney picks up his baby daughter I felt like I was seeing how much you, Dad, fell in love with me when I was born, how much you gave up for me, how much you were the best Dad I could have. I love you, I miss you and I'm grateful for you.

One for you dad.

We haven't seen each other for nearly 3 months now, and it's tough. Suddenly having my heart ripped out of my chest, away from you and mum. For such bad reasons. We all went through such a hard time. You gave up everything for me while I was growing up, into this woman I am now. I miss you every day, so badly. You were my best friend, and I still think of you all the time. Even though you're still living, only 30 miles away, I feel as if someone has died. Why we had to treat each other so badly, and break each others hearts, I really don't know. I loved you so much, and still do.

And one day, maybe we'll find our way back to each other.

I miss you so much that i cant even breathe naturally anymore. I have to remind myself to stop holding my breath, remind myself that i have no choice but to breathe. I am so alone without you sis. Nothing seems right everything is wrong. And that is the way it always will be. The pain consumes me and the guilt of being alive is too much. I wish i could have taken your place, i would have given my life for yours. I have known much loss but nothing has ce close to losing you. I miss you, i miss your smile, your fingers, your toes. I miss you, what you were and what you never had a chance to become. And i, i keep going in a world with no meaning. It's lonely grief.

I love you sweet girl, from your big sis xxx

7 years later..

It's madness how much better I feel 7 years later. That must sound awful, but I really do think I've dealt with it all now. Which is better than how I would have been 4 years ago. I was an emotional wreck every anniversary, unable to cope, unable to stop crying etc.

None of that carry on was going to bring you back anyway. I was so young back then, only 20 years of age and you were 19. It's amazing how so much has changed since. I feel at peace about your death now. You died in such a horrific, traumatic way, I honestly never thought I'd get over it. I had serious OCD for ages after it with all things to do with fire. I've slowly dropped most of those habits. Still a good thing to be though, alert about fires.

I believe that C helped me to pull my head out of the dark cloud I was under. Yeah, he may have been harsh sometimes with me, asking why I was crying etc. He may be a serious macho bloke, and doesn't really understand women and emotions, but they way he thought kind of turned on a light in my head. What was I playing at? Moping, crying, sobbing, still grief-stricken 5 YEARS later! I really wasn't dealing with it well. I needed someone to help me. Not a counsellor cos they just nod their heads in agreement at everything you say. They were not helpful at all, they never understood TRULY what I was going through, they just repeat all the textbook phrases to make me THINK they knew what was going on in my head. They weren't for me at all. In fact, they made me more angry. But that just goes to show just how badly I was dealing with your death! Rationale didn't even enter my head. It was just what I believed - was gospel.

I still feel so guilty about not visiting your parents. There is NO excuse for it, they live straight across the road. But that's one thing I have to say I dont think I will ever do, step foot in your house again, the smell, the look, everything about it would probably bring it all back, and I've come so far now. I just stay away. I always chat to them on the road and they seem better too. I nearly died when I saw them converting your room into an office. I couldnt let go, they were so strong and brave - much more so than I, and they were your parents. Just goes to show that you do need to move on to cope.

I still miss you of course, goes without saying. But I feel a huge amount of peace now? I have no idea why? I think I just got on with life, got with C, still kept your memories in my head. I must have truly left the bereavement behind. Thankfully because I really feel like I lost out on so much of life because I couldn't accept you were gone. The years I wasted being upset and depressed are years I wont get back. But I can look to the future now Still keep your memory alive always.

Ps... I wish I could hear your thoughts on last weekend most hilarious day ever, and I know you were with me the entire time.

Love you always

R x

My dear C.
I heard Cece Peniston singing "Finally" a while ago on the tv.
That song always reminds me of you.
22 years next month -where did that time go?

I've been incredibly lucky in my life, to have had a few unique and special friends ,who've given me memories to cherish forever.

I'm honoured that you were one of them.
Thank you.

Nana
i cant belive your not here anymore its only been 8 months and yet sometimes it feel like yesterday.my days are just not the same i felt i had a purpose in life caring for you and i know I prob gave out but it was never about caring for you it was more how the rest of your family left me to it once i moved in with your son. I was so lucky yo have you as my mother in law you gave me and my son a house to live in a place to call home there is not to many women in there seventys would do that . So now i really just want to say sorry sorry you died on your own i know i was in the bedroom beside you but i think i missed some sign when putting you to bed that night sorry i didnt hear you if you called out for me that night sorry if you were frighten. Im also sorry for enjoying life now to be able to go away on holidays oreven days out and not rush home fills me with guilt for enjoying them and i know you would want us to be doing theese things as we never done them while looking after you
Our home is not the same without you your two grandchildren miss you so much your son is devestated that your not here

I never told you but i grew to love you while looking after i was lucky to have you as my mother on law but you always be nana to me
Minds us all from heaven nana as i know you wil
Xxxx

I love and miss you both so much. You weren't perfect but you were brilliant, fun parents. I loved being yours. I hope you're together and happy wherever you are. Know that your children are happy and are busy making lovely families and grandchildren you would adore and be so proud of. Despite all the positives I have in my life, losing both parents is the loneliest feeling ever. x