Things you'd like to say to them

Cherry Blossom · 08-10-2012 2:49am

Dear Daddy,

Almost a full year has passed now since the worst day of my life. I have spent the last year taking 'things' out of their boxes dealing with them and putting them away for good. I don't need to switch things on and off, ignore my own crap or block stuff out any more. There are things that I never wanted you to know about and thanks to other people interfering in my life, I can't even be sure that you didn't know the things I didn't want you to. I guess I'll just have to let that go though because still, all I'm getting is silence and lies from everyone around me. I'm neither deaf nor stupid but if people want to act like idiots instead of coming clean or just telling the bloody truth that's their problem and not mine. I'm not indulging anyone in stupid mind games any more, it says more about them than it does me.

I never fully understood just how much you had to deal with until you were no longer here to deal with it and I have come to the realisation that I just cannot fill your place. I'm sorry everything went the way it did, I'm sorry I can't replace you and most of all I'm sorry I made promises to you that day that I may not be able to keep in the long term. I lied when I told you everything would be okay, in my defence, I thought it would be but I didn't fully understand the sheer size of the problems in this house until I made them all my problems. If it's even possible for them to be resolved, it's beyond my power to do it, you can take a horse to water etc. etc. Other people have made the last year so much harder than it should have been, I should have just left them to it but I made a conscious decision not to run anymore and I'm sticking to that.

Thank you for being such a positive influence on my life. I miss you every day but the fact that you are no longer here has allowed me to deal with things that I just couldn't have when you were. I got through it all to the other side, there is nothing more that life can throw at me that I can't deal with.

While I'm at it . . .

To my Granny,

Thank you for giving me such an amazing start in life and for being my constant source of inspiration. You are the one person I constantly compare myself to, even if there is absolutely no comparison to be made. What I missed most at the times I moved away were the letters from you that you weren't here to write. My biggest regret in life is that I didn't appreciate you more when you were here to benefit from it. Just for you I'm going to try very hard not to lose my temper so much because of other people making stupid digs due to insecurities in their own lives. It says more about them than it does me so perhaps all they need is a gentle reminder of that.

sarahbro · 08-10-2012 3:49am

Nanny,

I miss you so much. Tonight brought it all back.
Walking down hospital corridors to the lifts. I went into auto pilot, nearly went straight to them and hit 6 til I remembered we were going to see grandad. He's in the new part of the hospital.
We need you. He needs you.
He'll be joining you soon, we just don't know when. Make sure you've a pint waiting on him and fill him in on Emmerdale? He's going mad that there's no tv in his room

Love and Miss you forever xxxxxxx

fataltragedy · 09-10-2012 4:00pm

I wrote this to her some months back.

hey you..

time's still passing -
i thought maybe
it'd stop one day.
i guess it will, when
i take my last breath
just like you did in
July. but there are
other ways to feel
like you can't breathe -

sometimes, it's like
i'm drowning beneath
the impact of you
being dead slamming
against my denial.
breaking it down little
by little. it took my
heart a long time ago.

especially at night,
when it's dark and the
world is quiet, sleeping.
but you don't sleep
anymore - and i picture
you as you were before
they closed the lid on you
forever. and it
terrifies me. i'm glad you
have your teddy - i hate
the dark.

did you know that tears
burn? i guess maybe you
did. you cried when the
pain was really bad. i'm
glad you don't have pain
anymore. i always said
i'd gladly take it from you
but, i meant for you to
stay in this world if i did.

i miss you so damn
much. everyone does.
i wish you could come
home.

love, a lost little sister.

Whatsernamex33 · 11-10-2012 7:25pm

I'm not sure how to start this, nearly a whole year on and it's still very raw. I still can't really talk about it to anyone.

Dear Daddy,
I love you. On Saturday, the 13th, you'll be a year away from me. I still can't come to terms with it at times. It's hard to have people asking you why I was so upset when you died, because you weren't much in my life. I mean, the last time I saw you full of life was five months before you left. I don't care what anyone says, you were and still are my dad and I love you to pieces. It's very raw to talk about, for one reason I would never be able to stop talking about you, but I don't think I've ever really accepted it. 2011 was probably the worst year of my life, between you dying and a relationship falling apart. This year has been more than generous, I just know you're looking down on me. One of the worries I have is if I ever get married, who's going to walk me down some stupid aisle. Yeah, I think about that a lot. Or that the fact you'll never meet your grandchildren, if it does happen. Anything I do these days, whether it be exams or anything, it's always for you. I want to make you proud, you're looking over me of course. A year on Saturday, wow. I'm 19, I never really considered you'd be taken so early in my life. You were far too young aswell, 51. This Saturday is going to be really hard. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you.
Please look after my big brother up there, I never had the pleasure of meeting him, but I think about him a lot too.
I love you,
Siobhán.

therealme · 08-11-2012 12:28am

Mam,
You should be celebrating your birthday today - not gone the past 5 years. Your sudden passing was such a hard blow - I still havn't accepted it.
You were a saint who helped ALL - even the ones you didn't know. You always had kind words, a sympathetic ear and home baking which was available to everybody. I really dont know how you worked non-stop, raised a family and dont know anybody so devoted to her family as you.
I hate that I have no "home" to go to nor your comforting words of wisdom anymore, I didn't in my wildest dreams think it would be remotely as hard as it really is to be without you.
I have so much to say but am gone blank - even though I cant cry, I miss you SO much, I love you and I couldn't have asked for a better/kinder/nicer Mother than you.
R.I.P. xxx

LegacyUser · 08-11-2012 9:26pm

Mum and Dad. I can't believe ye are both gone. Dad 8 months, Mum 6 months. I still can't get my head around how it all happened like that. I think about ye constantly. Everything reminds me of ye and I wish I had you both sitting here like we used to chatting and laughing or even fighting. I would do anything to go back and change things but it's one of those things that are out of my hands.

I wish I could have comforted you both more as ye each died in my arms, I tried not to let ye down but it was difficult to keep it together. Mum, when you turned to me that day and asked me if you were dying, I'm sorry I lied to you but the doctor thought it was best you didn't know. I'm so so sorry. Dad, all those hours I spent sitting next to you, I wish we could have discussed how you felt about your fate. We discussed everything but that.

Ye will never be gone from my heart. It breaks further everyday. It's only recently I realised ye will never come back and it tears me apart.

Rubberlegs · 09-11-2012 6:45pm

Two years yesterday , Dad

. RIP till we meet again.

battser · 11-11-2012 12:39am

A song cause its the only way I know how. May read sad and is I suppose.

I'll never forget, the day you left me.
When all I could think, who was gonna save me.
I couldn't fill my mind, with memories of you.
I was feelin guilty, thinking you'd thought I'd forget you.
As time moves on, strength you gave me it grows strong
I'm not a model son, but I still hope you are proud

The fall below, The fall below
The fall below...Never falling alone
The fall below.

A life, for a life well what could we say.
But this little bundle of Joy, he brightened up our darkest days!
And the light ten months on, and it shines one brighter.
Another super-ordinary, strong young fighter.

The fall below, Never falling alone
The fall below, Never falling alone
The fall below, Never falling alone

In the fall below

daenerysstormborn3 · 11-11-2012 11:14pm

Some days I'm not sure if I can get through this without you. The past year has been so hard on him. Send me a sign that it's all going to be okay. I miss you so much. I miss being able to talk to you about everything and you making everything okay.

Baybay · 12-11-2012 8:58am

I think about you most days, Dad.
But I don't miss you.

I just wish I'd known it wasn't all your fault.

Itssoeasy · 09-12-2012 10:04am

Granda,

It's nearly three years since you left us and it still hurts when I think about you and what you missed in those three years. I still go to the local and they still remember you which is hard for me as It brings it all back. I've kept the lotto going and we had a bit of a win. I lost my best friend not just a Granda the day you died, and I'm sorry that I've not been to the grave more. It's very hard to see your name on a headstone, it kind of makes it real.

Christmas isn't the same and we haven't been in the house on Christmas night since you died, it just doesn't feel right without you. I haven't been in the house much recently and I'm sorry but I can't walk in there without remembering that morning. We all still have dinner together on Sunday which I know you liked us to do.

Sorry if that reads badly but that was hard to do.

[Deleted User] · 11-12-2012 3:38pm

I picked up the phone to tell you a stupid joke I heard, I was smiling.

I'd give anything to hear you answer the phone.

Just one more time.

Miss you.

not yet · 12-12-2012 3:23pm

Mam,

I know you were hard to live with but I should have accepted your
mental illness and not fought with you at every turn....

You did hurt me with the things you said, but the night I sat by your
bed and held your hand still brings a smile/tear to my face. If ever
one moment can erase all the **** of a lifetime it was when you
woke up and I seen a tear in your eye that said I love you, I'm
proud of you and I'm sorry....

RIP Mam never told you but I love you.

cuana · 08-02-2013 11:46pm

I miss you! I still pick up the phone with the intention of ringing you for a chat and there it is that sinking feeling I can't. I hate myself for not making time for you like you suggested you had persisted yet I had let the pace of life had swallow me up then it was too late you knew I was abroad if only you'd waited!! I found out to late & I hope you know that if I had know I'd have been on the first flight back maybe you planned it this way. I just hope you weren't angry with me.

I'm not bitter or angry towards you for choosing this for yourself & wonder will this come in time its been a couple of months now & I know I've not grieved at all denial perhaps. I loved & adored you I always talked of you & never let anyone forget how important you were to me we shared much you & I. God the memories eh many years of shared experiences the good, the great, the bad! We always kept that connection & I'm so grateful for this!!

As I write the tears come, as I write the anger comes!

banie01 · 11-02-2013 5:00pm

I miss you Kate

Its coming up to another St Valentines day without you...
It'll be my 6th and its not getting any easier babe...and 3 weeks after is the 17th anniversary of our 1st meeting

But this one I think will be the hardest yet!
On the one hand I'm missing you(as ever), us and everything we were and that we had

So much of me, of who I am, who I was and always will be, is shaped by you and learning to cope without you there as my conscience is an ongoing struggle but I'm learning babe

And on the other, I'm looking forward to the day with my new GF.
Which if I'm honest is something I never thought I would ever be looking forward to again.
But I'm left feeling totally conflicted babe...
I miss you, I love you and I know that it doesn't matter how strongly I feel either of those emotions it will never bring you back...

But now I'm at a stage where I feel like I'm cheating on you and betraying ''us'' by being happy again(Silly as that sounds!)
By telling someone other than you that I love them(whilst at the same time still being in love with you)...
And then I feel like I'm betraying her, by carrying so much of you with me still.
She loves me, and I love her with every piece of my heart that survived you....
Part of me feels as if I'm lying to her, or that I lied to you or that I'm lying to myself....
Sometimes it feels like a dream sequence from a ****e soap opera!(that you'd have made me watch and then buy the DVD boxset of!)
But I suppose all I can be at the end of the day is honest, and open and hope thats enough.

Anyways....
Just so you know....
I miss you!
I love you!
More today than yesterday

and always more than chips.....:p
We both do Kate!
Love me and the l'il monkey dude....

NeonCookies · 15-02-2013 4:22am

I'm sad I can't go to your funeral, nana. But I know you'd understand. I said goodbye to you before I left Ireland last year, knowing that it could be the last time. What makes it so hard is that I got so close to seeing you again...just a few weeks. The wake is happening now, with all the adult grandchildren and it's awful not being there - listening to the stories and memories, celebrating you. I feel so cut off. You were an amazing woman, and you left a wonderful legacy in your children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Love you x

SusieBlue · 26-02-2013 4:28am

Thank you for looking after me these last few weeks, Maisy. I know its you who is keeping me on the right track.

Its getting easier to think of you without feeling suffocating bitterness - I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing. I still mourn you every day, but lately I've found myself remembering happy times when I was pregnant, and smiling, and laughing, with no tears like before. I find myself reminiscing on the brief time I knew you existed with fondness as well as pain. I know this is you. Thank you.

Your daddy and I are trying to make a brother or sister for you. I hope you know that if we're lucky enough to be blessed with another baby, we'll never forget you or replace you. You'll always be our much wanted and loved first born and nothing will change that. Nothing could ever change the love we feel for you.

Your grandparents haven't taken the news very well, Maisy. They think we need more time to grieve. But we'll be grieving for the rest of our lives for you, whether we have another child tomorrow or in 10 years. Time will make it easier to deal with, but it won't take the pain away. I know you'll look after us, and I'm not afraid any more.

Lately I've found myself imagining what you'd be like if you were still with us. You'd be almost 2 years old now which is a scary thought! Would you look like me or daddy?

Something that has always bothered me since we lost you is that you never opened your eyes. You were too small, I know. But I dream about looking into your eyes, so I could show you how much I love you. I wonder what colour they would have been - Green like me, or brown like your daddy? I imagine they would have been hazel, a perfect mixture of both.

In the past, even having those thoughts would have given me a breakdown. I'm enjoying being able to think of you with happiness as well as pain, and I hope you know that this doesn't mean we are getting over your death. Because we never will, Maisy. But thinking of the happy times we had is making it more bearable, as is imagining how you'd be if you had lived.

I love you.

Mammy x

cuana · 06-04-2013 11:17pm

I miss you so much it hurts I can't bear it sometimes

DeltaWhite · 09-04-2013 6:51pm

N

I find this very strange because its been 5 and a half years since we spoke and I still feel like it was all a dream. We were totally different back then! I have definitely changed a lot and I know for a fact that I took on some of your traits after you died. You made me brave and I found strength that I didn't even know I had. Thank you for that.

Still never got answers to what happened that night but I thank god that you didn't survive sometimes as awful as it sounds, but you would have been destroyed like D. The burns she suffered are something I wish I never saw and that's probably why we don't see each other now. I can't look at her and she doesn't want me to look at her either. You were my bestest friend in the whole world and I never even realised how much you meant to me, and how much I needed you until after you died.

The most horrific night of my life, those hours waiting and waiting.. I knew deep down, I don't know how but I just knew you were gone and it was unbearable to try and function. On auto pilot for weeks.

Remember I used to always go to your grave and sit there chatting to you for some sort of comfort, I just wish you could know how sorry and guilty I feel for not going to your grave anymore

I just find it too hard.

I would love to know what you think of my life now, I miss our chats, our cackling laughing, our little cocktail sessions, our nights out, our bitching sessions about blokes haha! C is my best friend now

he's a cool dude and I love him so much, I hope you approve of him

I miss you everyday, and I can truly say, there hasn't been one single day go by when I haven't thought of you.
Miss you always and forever chick

banie01 · 17-04-2013 9:54am

Kate,
Yesterday was 6yrs since the day you died.
It has been a strange week, from being knocked sideways when someone linked the thread I opened here when I cleared out your wardrobe in the you feel, you lose thread.
To the messages and support from friends(and strangers) that always comes this time of year...
To being contacted on the back of some things I'd written and asked if I was interested in writing an article or even book outline on our journey since we lost you...
Im not going to write anything at all though, as while I dont mind posting where I do because its kind of anonymous....(granted its not too hard to crack)
But publishing something and attaching me and my family's privacy to an article or a book, well thats something I dont want to do..
And to be honest....I dont think I ever will!)

It might be a little weird but I love it when our friends get in touch and share a story or even all the folks who clicked like on the FB link to your In Memoriam...
Those stories are so so important for me and our little dude!
Because

I always worry that the only way our little dude will really ever know you is through his own all too few precious memories :-/
Along with the stories we can all share with him about you.
And yesterday, on your anniversary...
I got to show him how many of our friends clicked like on a status remembering you...
How many friends left us a comment, or the many many more who sent us a message privately sharing a happy story...
It shows him just how many people you touched in your all too short life and all those people have a happy memory or 2 to share.
I always want him to try and hold on to the happiness we had and the love that he comes from!
Rather than the pain of what we lost....
All those stories and thoughts shared by our friends and family, make doing that a lot easier....

If wishes came through, you would be here always and forever!
But they don't

So I hope knowing that always and forever in our hearts and our thoughts is where you will be...forever loved and forever young

Love ya more than chips Babe!
Always and forever!

inlikeflynn86 · 17-04-2013 10:11am

Nan,

I dreamt of you last night, it was so real. I could even smell your scent. You were knitting your cardigans and blanket for bean and I cried, begging you not to leave. You were given out saying that you'll be here and when October comes you'll be with me the whole way.... When I woke up I felt so calm, also felt queasy as if baby bean was telling me he's still there and not going anywhere....
I'm so scared something will happen and I feel like I can't tell anyone

It kills me thinking your not here with us. I know you'd want to be involved in everything, from picking the pram to buying the baby grows even though we'd be arguing about everything, as usual

Not a day goes by when I don't think of you xxx

LegacyUser · 10-06-2013 8:50pm

Gran,
sometimes I feel really stupid still crying over you. It was your sister's 8th anniversary recently....which means it's less than six months to yours. Which means seven and a half years have gone past. I have missed you every day of those years and months and I'm really missing you today for some reason. I'd love to call round for a cuppa and some slightly burnt toast. (why did you never just turn the toaster down a notch?!) I'm crying now as I write this, and I don't know why!

You would have been the first one to console me, knowing how hard it is to lose someone you love so much. You buried your husband, son and grandson within five short years of one another. You re-trained as a bereavement counsellor to try and help others who'd lost people. You always reached out to people, and everything you did, you did from a place of caring, from a place of compassion, from a place of love. I try and remember that when I'm upset, because love is what gets us through
.
I wish you were here to see everyone. My first niece, your first great-granchild is going into secondary school, in the school you went to, and later taught in. She's amazing, so caring, so considerate-so like you, without her realising. Imagine, in a few months time, that glass corridor you walked through daily for several years, and where later your music room was, will have seen your daughters, your grandaughter and your great-grandaughter wander through them. It's funny how the little things can link generations.

When I was there, I hated our shared name. I was the only Ita out of 750 schoolmates, and could never do anything in school without being told what a wonderful a name I had, how lucky I was to have been named after such a wonderful woman. I would smile politely and mumble back something, hating the fact that I was always known, could never find the anonymity I wanted as a teenager. It's only as I've gotten older that I appreciate my name - your name - and the immediate warmth of others, when I mention my name and yours, who grab my arm, or with a smile and a gentle grasp of my hand, tell me how wonderful you were and how much you're missed. It's all I can do to keep smiling and say "I miss her too" without breaking down and bawling.

Some days i miss you more than others and I don't know why. Today is one of those days. I started counselling a while ago (another story for another time Gran) and my counselor suggested I write to you, because she felt I might have something left unsaid and that's why I'm still grieving for you. All I can think of is my uncertainty over you knowing just how much I loved you, and always will. I dread the day when Mum passes, because I've lost you and that broke my heart; I can't even begin to imagine how much it will hurt then.

I don't know what else to say Gran. I wish you were still here. Would you still burn the toast and scrape off the burnt parts? Would you still want scallions sliced through your sandwiches? Would you still make the most comforting cup of tea? Would you still stay up late watching random movies that caught your attention on tv? (I'll never forget you giving out to Dirty Harry for "not just shooting your man earlier in the street when he had the chance" so you'd have been able to go to bed early instead of staying up to watch that punk trying to remember how many bullets there were....!)

I have that recording of you and Mum chatting, and sometimes, when I listen to it, I close my eyes and it feels like you're just in the corner of the room. I wish you were. I don't know what else to say. I'm so proud to have been your grandaughter and to have shared your name. I wish my faith was as strong as yours-when I listen to the Streets (you'd have hated the music, but liked some of the lyrics....) I think of you. Especially during the song "Never went to Church" because I never did when you were around.

The first weekend that I went back to work in England after you passed away, I went to mass. The priest was Irish, the seat I sat in was dedicated to St. Joseph (who your husband was named after) , the stained window read "Sancta Maria" (the name of the hotel you & your husband ran) and there was a girl with Downs Syndrome in front of me who sang along with hymns out of tune, just like my big sis does. Thanks for making it feel like it was the right thing to do. I miss you, I love you, I wish you were here. I hope I can live up to your name. Coladh samh Gran, gra mor,XxX

"I never went to church,
Just get on with work and sometimes things'll hurt,
But it's hit me since you left us,
And it's so hard not to search.

If you were still about,
I'd ask you what I'm supposed to do now,
I just get a bit scared,
Every now,
Hope I made you proud."

daenerysstormborn3 · 10-06-2013 11:26pm

I feel like you're so far away. It'll be two years in October. Two years already! You won't be here to see us get married, you won't be here to eventually see the grandchild that would've been a huge, significant, constant part of your life and you won't be here to see J graduate. I can't believe all the things you won't be here to share with us. I miss you so much everyday. I miss you good-naturedly making fun of me while at the same time always being a shoulder to cry on, literally. It's awful being without you.

sillymoo · 16-06-2013 10:19am

Happy father's day dad xxx

Rubberlegs · 16-06-2013 6:47pm

Happy Father's Day. Hope you have a huge box of Roses, and endless cups of tea:D

SusieBlue · 26-06-2013 7:44pm

You would have been 2 years old this month, Maisy. TWO! You'd be walking and talking and we'd probably be starting to think about potty training. You'd be a little girl and not the baby I always imagine in my mind. You'll always be a baby, to me.

I was dreading this month, truly, its just full of broken dreams, miserable grief and overwhelming sadness for me. I can't wait for Monday, July will be better.

We celebrated your birthday with a family barbecue. Your dad and I hadn't been getting along all too well in the last couple of months but I know you were watching over us, guiding us back together, where we belong. All of your aunties and uncles were there, your godparents and your cousins. You have a new little baby cousin called Sophie and I know your her guardian angel. She reminds me of you a lot when I look at her.

I miss you a lot. I was doing really well but then June sucker punched me in the heart and I feel like I'm falling again. Onwards and upwards though, I know its what you'd want. What little girl would want two miserable parents?

We're doing our best. I love you. x

girl_friday · 28-06-2013 6:53pm

Missing you a lot this last week. Think it was doing the garden that did it... Would love to have a proper chat with you. I thought I'd have forever to do that. I wish I'd told you I loved you that night, I'm so afraid that you died not knowing.

princess-lala · 02-07-2013 12:53am

Nanny I just want a hug and kiss from you! Miss you soooooo much

stop animal cruelty · 02-07-2013 1:37pm

grandad Joe,

I wish you were around for longer so we would have gotten to know eachother better. I know you were such a good decent man, even tho I was only 3 when you passed away I still really really really wish you were around

Im very proud you're my grandfather

x

EdenHazard · 03-07-2013 2:06am

I miss you mum, but I can't live my life missing you, you were too important and big an influence for me to spend the rest of my life wishing you were here. Its weird when you were here I would take about what happens when we die, all these life questions. I always thought 'nah, this is it' but then when you left this world it changed. I'm not sure where you have gone, but I trust you are still around I just hope wherever you are though isn't 'endlessly sitting around on clouds, it wouldn't really be you. You better still be as funny, ditzy, quirky and as cute as you were here. You are my best friend and I adore you but I'm sure I told u this enough while u were here so not a big surprise. I'll see u eventually, u better have those burgers u made waiting for me. thinking of you forever and always with a smile with maybe a hint of a tear. You are my everything. Hasta luego mi amigaaaaaa!

Things you'd like to say to them

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