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Lost my dad

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  • 03-03-2019 2:37pm
    #1
    completedit
    Registered Users Posts: 2,639 ✭✭✭


    27 years old and just lost my dad. My mum passed a few years back. I'm not young but I feel anchorless. My parents are too young not to be around, at the very least they could have had 15 more years and still been youngish when they passed. Nobody will ever get me or mesh as well with me as I did with my mum and dad. My dad had his bad side but he had a good heart and a playful sense of craic that I'll miss forever. My mum was just amazing.
    I was reading a book and in it a recently deceased man asks the first person he meets after dying how long have I been dead. The person replies "1 second, 1 year, 1000 years" the quote haunted me. Even if there is life after death, and I have some belief there is it would not be the same as the life here. I play the song drops of Jupiter and How it is the simple things that defines us and our relationships "imagine no love ,pride, deep fried chicken" whatever exists beyond this it will never be the same.

    I hope and pray my dad is with my mum again and all the ones that passed on. I'll never let that belief go. I don't care about death really but it's so unsettling to think that if there is nothing then we are just out on our own.


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    #2
    Water John
    Registered Users Posts: 21,113 ✭✭✭✭Water John


    Sorry on your loss. I'd suggest some bereavement counselling. If you have an aunt or uncle that you can engage with also or other older adult as that anchor is what you need most at this time.


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    #3
    completedit
    Registered Users Posts: 2,639 ✭✭✭completedit


    I feel strangely mentally strong. A little numb but I have cried. My legs feel like jelly though and I've no spring in my step. I think I really came to terms with death after my mum passed. I was in a position where I had a lot of time and did a lot of things where I could fully go through the grieving process. I think older people when they lose a parent have too much on their plate and maybe just push the sadness and loss down. Maybe anyway? That's just my way of looking at it.
    It doesn't feel real with my dad, it was just so routine or something. With my mum it was a huge overwhelming visceral loss and outpouring of emotion, this time it just sort of happened. It seems like a less poignant time


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    #4
    Roadtoad
    Registered Users Posts: 743 ✭✭✭Roadtoad


    In due course others may step into their shoes, aunts, uncles (thanks WJ), siblings etc., and beyond that lovers, spouse, children. Time doesn't cure, but it mellows the pain. Allow new people into your life, some will be keepers.


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    #5
    Cyclonius
    Registered Users Posts: 267 ✭✭Cyclonius


    I'm sorry for your loss completedit. As with the previous posters, hopefully you have some close family and/or friends that can help you at this difficult time. Bereavement counselling might also help you cope with your pain and loss in due course as well.


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    #6
    Noelmcgov28
    Registered Users Posts: 140 ✭✭Noelmcgov28


    Firstly, I want to express my deepest sympathies to you. 27 is a really young age to lose parents.

    What happens after we die that is anyone's guess it's scary we all think about it we all wonder and we may never know what is next for us.
    Ultimately though, I feel this life is all about leaving a mark on the time we have here.

    I never knew your parents but they come across as good and influential people. That in itself is leaving a mark on life as it has impacted you.

    For the time you have left try to live life with no regrets and do the things you always wanted to do whether that is to start a family, help the homeless, get the job you always desired etc.

    I know my words mean very little in the grand scheme of things but do know there are people to talk to and counsellors to visit if the mental pain becomes too much.

    Everyone's mental health is important and should be looked after the same way as our physical health.

    I hope you get through this dark time in your life. I'm really sorry for your loss. Keep strong. <3


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    #7
    completedit
    Registered Users Posts: 2,639 ✭✭✭completedit


    Roadtoad wrote: »
    In due course others may step into their shoes, aunts, uncles (thanks WJ), siblings etc., and beyond that lovers, spouse, children. Time doesn't cure, but it mellows the pain. Allow new people into your life, some will be keepers.

    Of course I cried more for my mum 5 years on than I did at the time but had come to accept the new reality. But this new reality is just too much. I feel I can manage fine buuut the thought that all the love and care that my parents had for me is just gone, the fact they never knew they were letting go and wouldn't be there to guide us again just haunts me. You can't look at death in a positive light from a personal perspective without the prospect of something else but like I say that leads to a whole load of other life and meaning questions.

    I think I'll find acceptance with my dad. I wish he had cut out some of the habits that led him dying too soon but that was in life and his likes and indulgences defined him. He wouldn't be my dad if he hadn't. He also had a good life but I feel so bad for him that he lost his love so young. I never even thought about this really until he passed and it just brought to light how young my mum was when she passed.


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    #8
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    I'm very sorry to hear that, completedit.

    I don't have much to say except mind yourself and take your time.


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    #9
    completedit
    Registered Users Posts: 2,639 ✭✭✭completedit


    wiggle16 wrote: »
    I'm very sorry to hear that, completedit.

    I don't have much to say except mind yourself and take your time.

    Thanks Wiggle


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    #10
    Lucuma
    Registered Users Posts: 1,356 ✭✭✭Lucuma


    completedit wrote: »
    Of course I cried more for my mum 5 years on than I did at the time but had come to accept the new reality. But this new reality is just too much. I feel I can manage fine buuut the thought that all the love and care that my parents had for me is just gone, the fact they never knew they were letting go and wouldn't be there to guide us again just haunts me. You can't look at death in a positive light from a personal perspective without the prospect of something else but like I say that leads to a whole load of other life and meaning questions.

    I think I'll find acceptance with my dad. I wish he had cut out some of the habits that led him dying too soon but that was in life and his likes and indulgences defined him. He wouldn't be my dad if he hadn't. He also had a good life but I feel so bad for him that he lost his love so young. I never even thought about this really until he passed and it just brought to light how young my mum was when she passed.

    A heartbreaking read Completedit :(
    After my Dad died I spent a lot of time contemplating life and death as well. It suddenly hit me that we are all going to die and that he was just my first major bereavement but I'm also going to have to watch my other parent, my siblings, maybe my partner, all my aunts and uncles, cousins, friends etc die.
    This is true of course but we never allow ourselves to think about it. For me, those thoughts eventually settled.

    I'd imagine you're a strong character for all you've been through already in your 20s. That will no doubt stand to you in life. We will all face the loss of our parents, it's just that you've had to do it earlier than most.

    My Dad also made some work and health choices which contributed to his demise, as you say we can't change that and we couldn't change it when they were alive either. As adults we all get to make that choice and they made theirs.

    I hope you find peace x


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