Death of my mother

Lisa2011 · 14-04-2018 9:16am #1

Hi all

My mother passed away on Easter Sunday from metastatic non small cell carcinoma of the lung.

It had spread long before we found out what it was. She had 5 weeks and 2 full days from finding out she had a shadow on her spine until she died.

She was very sick and in pain before being admitted to hospital. I am glad she is at peace.

Despite this when I do get upset I vomit. This happened twice since she died.

Has anyone else experienced this and what did you do to overcome it.

LushiousLips · 14-04-2018 5:14pm

Hi Lisa,

I'm new to this like you, my Dad passed away almost 3 weeks ago. But, I'd imagine you are probably still in shock at the sudden loss of your mam and your body is reacting.

I hope you have good support around you, its a tough time isn't it.

xxx

Stopped Clock · 14-04-2018 10:12pm

Hi Lisa
I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like shock to me too. 5 weeks is no time at all when it comes to processing such devastating news. In a way the funeral is the easy bit because it's a busy time and everything's a blur. Then once the coffin goes in the ground, life goes on. You're left trying to pick up the pieces and to get used to living a life without your mother in it.

My mum died nearly 2 years ago. It wasn't sudden for us; she had had early onset dementia for many years and in many ways I had already lost her. Still, it didn't matter one jot once she was finally gone. I started to grieve for her and it was very painful. So many places and objects reminded me of her. Even songs on the radio were like a knife into the heart. It's going to be much harder for you because your mother was a much more central part of your life. Trying to come to terms with that is going to take a lot of processing.

I never quite cried until I vomited but I have shed a LOT of tears. It got so bad this year that I was bawling my eyes out every single day. A few months ago I finally plucked up the courage to book an appointment with a counsellor. I'm lucky in that my job provides an Employee Assistance Service. I was so distressed on the phone just trying to book the appointment, I could barely even string a sentence together. The counselling has definitely helped and perhaps that is something you might consider at some stage. If your mum was in a hospice before she died, it's likely they have a bereavement counselling service. The Irish Cancer Society provide help too. I don't know enough about grief in the early days to advise you about what to do right now. Maybe ask and see what do they have to suggest.

Lisa2011 · 16-04-2018 8:17am

LushiousLips wrote: »

Hi Lisa,

I'm new to this like you, my Dad passed away almost 3 weeks ago. But, I'd imagine you are probably still in shock at the sudden loss of your mam and your body is reacting.

I hope you have good support around you, its a tough time isn't it.

xxx

Hello very sorry to hear of your loss. It's a tough time indeed. My mother was only 66 and it is difficult knowing she died in just over 5 week's after diagnosis.

I have family around me which is good but as you know the most important person is missing.

Lisa2011 · 16-04-2018 8:24am

Stopped Clock wrote: »

Hi Lisa
I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like shock to me too. 5 weeks is no time at all when it comes to processing such devastating news. In a way the funeral is the easy bit because it's a busy time and everything's a blur. Then once the coffin goes in the ground, life goes on. You're left trying to pick up the pieces and to get used to living a life without your mother in it.

My mum died nearly 2 years ago. It wasn't sudden for us; she had had early onset dementia for many years and in many ways I had already lost her. Still, it didn't matter one jot once she was finally gone. I started to grieve for her and it was very painful. So many places and objects reminded me of her. Even songs on the radio were like a knife into the heart. It's going to be much harder for you because your mother was a much more central part of your life. Trying to come to terms with that is going to take a lot of processing.

I never quite cried until I vomited but I have shed a LOT of tears. It got so bad this year that I was bawling my eyes out every single day. A few months ago I finally plucked up the courage to book an appointment with a counsellor. I'm lucky in that my job provides an Employee Assistance Service. I was so distressed on the phone just trying to book the appointment, I could barely even string a sentence together. The counselling has definitely helped and perhaps that is something you might consider at some stage. If your mum was in a hospice before she died, it's likely they have a bereavement counselling service. The Irish Cancer Society provide help too. I don't know enough about grief in the early days to advise you about what to do right now. Maybe ask and see what do they have to suggest.

It was Milford where she passed and yes they do have a counseling service. and I will contact them.

My mother was cremated and although it was her wish it was difficult knowing what was happening to her.

Condolences to you too.

maryk123 · 16-04-2018 9:22am

Hi Lisa 2011
I am so sorry to hear about your loss.
My mother died within 3 days coming up to a year ago she had a stroke.
The pain of her loss is so hard. I initially went for counselling not long after she died but I was too emotional and upset and I left it until recently and I find it great and we also do relaxation/meditation and I find it a great help.

People say it's time that will heal and unfortunately it's really true. Nothing can take away the emptiness of knowing nothing will be the same again.

I remember when mam died when I brushed my teeth I would gag for weeks after I don't know what it was but it stopped after a while and this will happen for you as well.

My dad died in Milford too and I never went back I just wasn't able as I couldn't believe he was gone. I have heard they have great counselling out there so speak to someone there.

Be kind to yourself that's what everyone used to say to me and I couldn't understand what it meant for ages. It just means don't be too hard on yourself and allow the grief because it will come and it is absolutely exhausting.
If you ever need someone to chat to just mail.

Danny Donut · 16-04-2018 8:53pm

Oh thats good advice MaryK.

So sorry for your loss Lisa.

We lost My Mother-in-law died in 2016. She was a lovely, lovely woman and even on the periphery (of grief) I miss her dreadfully. Its been a tough time - I think we're coming through it, and I wish you all the very best.

Be kind to yourself and take whatever help is going

Lucuma · 22-04-2018 9:58pm

Hi Lisa, I'm so sorry for your devastating loss. It definitely sounds like shock, which is not surprising at all as you had less than 6 weeks to process that something was even wrong with your mother and then suddenly she's gone. I'm in the 3rd year now without my Dad and it does get easier, but for me anyway I didn't turn any bit of a corner til after 1 year at least. If you know anyone that has had a similar bereavement then try to talk to them. Someone who is further along on the grief journey can help you alot. Also they will not be the least bit shocked at some of your thoughts and the stuff that goes through your head. There are Facebook groups also for bereavement. And of course boards.

I don't cry every day anymore now but I still cry regularly. You realise that you have made slow progress without realising it. For example seeing the daffodils come out this year had no effect on me, whereas the first set of daffodils after his death nearly pushed me over the edge (i.e. how can the daffodils still come wihtout him, how can there be daffodils he's never seen etc) and another example, yesterday I was looking at a photo of us taken at a wedding at the weekend - my siblings and my Mam - and I just thought 'that's a nice photo of my family' there was no stab of grief that he's missing. Dont' know why it doesnt' bother me now and it would have made me bawl my eyes out before, but you just become numb to it over time and you get used to a new normal. You don't have to worry about when that will happen - just know that it will happen. You'll get through this.

Huge hugs to you xxxx

EdgeCase · 17-09-2018 5:30pm

Lisa, really sorry to hear about your loss. I've just been through a similar shock myself and I think it can be very physical.
My mum died very suddenly. She went from having brunch to gone in about 24 hours!

I still haven't really processed it, even though I have at a rational level, the emotions are all over the place.
For the first month I don't think I slept more than a few hours and I kept having flashbacks to the hospital and to the ambulance. I even had an absolutely blazing row with a 999 operator as the ambulance didn't turn up for nearly and hour in the middle of a city centre and I'm normally not an aggressive person. She got great care and access to technology in hospital but, unfortunately, it didn't work out at all and she passed away.

I still don't feel great a month on. I look rundown. My stomach's been off. My blood pressure is through the roof. A lot of stuff is still up in the air, but I guess it's just a case of having to ride it out until my brain/mind figures it all out.

I'm lucky enough to have good family (who are going through the same) and friends around me, but it's still not easy and I think it'll take me a long time to process.

I'm still going through cycles of being OK, then numb, then emotional and it just seems to be getting a little less extreme as the days go on.

All I could tell you is there's no right or wrong way to grieve and emotions are not something you can measure, time, judge or weigh. They're visceral, primitive but very real and they can definitely express themselves in terms of physical symptoms.

I think you just have to let them flow and I guess eventually you reconcile things, but also take care of yourself. Take time to relax. Talk to people and talk it out. I'm starting to find the gym and even just going on long walks (with friends) to be very helpful.

Take it easy and sending my best attempt at a boards.ie virtual platonic hug your way.

Lisa2011 · 10-01-2019 8:05am

I have had my good and not so good moments but I know my mother wouldn't want me down all the time.

We all have to keep living. We can't stop living because nobody wants that especially our parents .

What has helped me greatly is that my mother is no longer in pain.

There was just over 12 months between my mother and her older sister dying. My aunt first anniversary was March 22nd 2018 and my mother passed away 10 day's later.

Life hash been easy but we can't stop Living.

AndrewJRenko · 11-01-2019 10:21am

My mother is more than 20 years dead, but I still get all teary today listening to Springsteen on Broadway talking with such great love about his mother

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coChzQYJBPw

And then he sang "Mom, this one's for you"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wpcA2rfMfc

Clytus · 10-02-2019 7:40pm

My mother passed away 10 weeks ago. She was only 65, but had been in bad health for quite a while...but when she did pass away it was a terrible shock and left me numb. My siblings were estranged from my mum for over 25 years, so I was effectively on my own dealing with her illness and death.

Straight after her death I suffered from terrible bouts of feeling alone and missing her terribly. One thing that has given me a lot of comfort was to put a tea light in front of a picture I have of my mum. Its strange cause I'm not a spiritual or religious person, but just knowing and seeing the small candle light almost makes me feel like there's a part of her still in the room with me.

Death of my mother

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