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A Cautionary Tale
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20-03-2019 2:18pm#1Back in the early eightees my girlfriend, now my wife gave birth to a baby girl in hollis street while studying Law in Trinity. We gave the baby up for adoption, the world was a very different place back then. A couple of years ago the baby now an adult of course made contact through the Agency who handled the adoption at the tome, a catholic organisation ai think. The Agency made contact with us and arranged a meeting. We arrived into the meeting with a positive feeling, we have 2 children, young adults both still in education so we were keen to get advice on how to handle this. To say the meeting did not go well is an understatment. The sticking points were their procedures. To make contact we would write a letter which would be delivered through the Agency. What we did not like was the Agency staff would reas the letter before passing it on, kind of like the censorship board. Now at this stage we are all Adults and there were allready guidelines as to what you do and do not include in the letter and we has no issues with this but why a third party needed to read a private correspondence was beyond us. The whole meeting then got stuck on procedural issues and did not end well. Now we have no idea what this Agency told our daughter, did they tell her we were not bothered or what. What do we do now, are there other avenues that might pay off as far as an initial contact goes. Advice.4
Comments
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My recent experience is as follows. My daughter showed an interest in me through social media, as in I could see she looked me up online ( a feature of LinkedIn ) it wasn't a contact as such but knowing that if I looked back she would be aware of it I waited a few days as I calmed my excitement and then looked, no message from me or anything else, then I contacted the agency and went to establish contact through the proper channels as I had no knowledge of my daughters intentions curiosity or otherwise. Eventually after over a year & staff changes in the agency office my second social worker (SW) made contact and two weeks later my daughter and her Mum & Dad visited the SW to see what the process would entail. Crucially as my daughter is now a young adult that meeting was only between my daughter and the SW. My letter was handed over then, I knew the SW would read it but that is par for the course they are there to advise and facilitate and it will be slow........very slow so slow it is very hard to handle expectations, did I mention it would be slow ;-).
The reasons for this are not all the SW fault my own letter took 3 months to write and 7 drafts but I have to say it was a masterpiece and not once did I mention to her my own children her siblings in the letter, I felt that would best be handled by the SW when the time was right but I did provide pictures to be shown as needed. I attached no blame to anyone in that letter only my own shortcomings and told her I was proud of her, who knew of her ect and wished her well with whatever decision she would make, ( a though one that). 1 week later I received a photo back through the SW and a year and a half later after more letter exchanges (the first letter back took a while, so long in fact I thought it wouldn't come), digital photo albums and Christmas cards between both families we finally get to meet. You have to remember your daughter is a woman with her own family too it is crucial to respect that.
Shortly after that first meeting my daughters phone number was given by the SW to me with the proviso that it would be up to her to call first, another wait and it can all seem so slow..... But then she called and we have chatted for hours, WhatsApp has been great for chatting, sharing humour, photos ect (we live in different countries). And then both she and her Mum and Dad came to visit for a few days it was all very relaxed and the siblings meet it was nothing short of awesome but crucially all this took nearly 4 years you need to accept the pace and respect her space for it to be a success. And don't forget humour it goes a long way.
Now I know I had social media to "stalk" my daughter with but trust me on this it's a double edged sword when the ground work isn't done.
Start again, no expectations, write the letter go slow, deep breaths... and you have every chance of avoiding a car crash.
On re reading you post I would say the agency are still awaiting your letter and their not tie only ones....put your frustration aside and get writing. Good luck.
Pat.0 -
If you are unhappy with the way SW is dealing with the case, take control back and do your own search, then write a letter to your daughter.
As you said you are both adults.
Adoption books are searchable in GRO werburge st dublin and roscommon.
also all BMD books.
Kathy0 -
My recent experience is as follows. My daughter showed an interest in me through social media, as in I could see she looked me up online ( a feature of LinkedIn ) it wasn't a contact as such but knowing that if I looked back she would be aware of it I waited a few days as I calmed my excitement and then looked, no message from me or anything else, then I contacted the agency and went to establish contact through the proper channels as I had no knowledge of my daughters intentions curiosity or otherwise. Eventually after over a year & staff changes in the agency office my second social worker (SW) made contact and two weeks later my daughter and her Mum & Dad visited the SW to see what the process would entail. Crucially as my daughter is now a young adult that meeting was only between my daughter and the SW. My letter was handed over then, I knew the SW would read it but that is par for the course they are there to advise and facilitate and it will be slow........very slow so slow it is very hard to handle expectations, did I mention it would be slow ;-).
The reasons for this are not all the SW fault my own letter took 3 months to write and 7 drafts but I have to say it was a masterpiece and not once did I mention to her my own children her siblings in the letter, I felt that would best be handled by the SW when the time was right but I did provide pictures to be shown as needed. I attached no blame to anyone in that letter only my own shortcomings and told her I was proud of her, who knew of her ect and wished her well with whatever decision she would make, ( a though one that). 1 week later I received a photo back through the SW and a year and a half later after more letter exchanges (the first letter back took a while, so long in fact I thought it wouldn't come), digital photo albums and Christmas cards between both families we finally get to meet. You have to remember your daughter is a woman with her own family too it is crucial to respect that.
Shortly after that first meeting my daughters phone number was given by the SW to me with the proviso that it would be up to her to call first, another wait and it can all seem so slow..... But then she called and we have chatted for hours, WhatsApp has been great for chatting, sharing humour, photos ect (we live in different countries). And then both she and her Mum and Dad came to visit for a few days it was all very relaxed and the siblings meet it was nothing short of awesome but crucially all this took nearly 4 years you need to accept the pace and respect her space for it to be a success. And don't forget humour it goes a long way.
Now I know I had social media to "stalk" my daughter with but trust me on this it's a double edged sword when the ground work isn't done.
Start again, no expectations, write the letter go slow, deep breaths... and you have every chance of avoiding a car crash.
On re reading you post I would say the agency are still awaiting your letter and their not tie only ones....put your frustration aside and get writing. Good luck.
Pat.
I love all this advice, it's perfect. As an adopted person I think you have captured everything here. That is why it seems to be working well for you. I hope the same for myself, it's early days. Positive stories like this give me hope. Thank you.0 -
My husband wrote the first letter as he initiated the search for his birth mother. I would assume this would be the case for your daughter and not the other way around. So he wrote the letter, knowing that it would be read by the social worker. His birth mother wrote back fairly quickly with her full name and address on the letter. I suppose the difference with his case was that I had found where his birth mother lived before meeting the social worker. So I'm not sure if the letter from his birth mother would have had the surname/address blocked out if we didn't already know that information. Go back to the agency and tell them you would be delighted to receive a letter from your daughter. Maybe she will put some contact details on it. And in the meantime you can also start your own search.0
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Has anyone seen the petition in uplift.ie and does anyone know about the organisation called Aitheantas?
It's to Give Identity Rights to Adoptees in Ireland and they have over 5000 signed so far.0 -
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