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Ever being cheated on or done the cheating?

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13567

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    #62
    NotMyUsualName
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19 ✭NotMyUsualName


    Colser wrote: »
    Ever feel guilty about it(not judging just asking)?

    I don't but having said that I've no interest or urge to cheat again.


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    #63
    mikom
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,391 ✭✭✭✭mikom


    Cheat?
    Jaysus, I can barely keep one woman going, never mind two.


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    #64
    Colser
    Registered Users Posts: 5,572 ✭✭✭Colser


    mikom wrote: »
    Cheat?
    Jaysus, I can barely keep one woman going, never mind two.
    My ex used to trot that line out too..the low life dirty lying cheat:D:D:D


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    #65
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    In the "why go out for a hamburger when I have steak at home" camp.

    Would have thought it awful when I was young but some of my best friends cheat, regularly, and so learned not to judge it too harshly. Their business.


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    #66
    Elessar
    Registered Users Posts: 5,239 ✭✭✭Elessar


    Whisky Mac wrote: »
    Twaddle. Humans, in the whole, are designed to be monogamous.
    So called 'open' relationships always are doomed to failure with damage on both sides.
    Deciding that someone is 'for life' and sticking with that, enjoying that, is maturity IMO.

    Couldn't disagree with this more. Humans are not, and were never designed for monogamy. Much like the animal kingdom, we are designed to spread our seed far and wide. Monogamy is mostly a social/religious construct.

    I've never cheated per se, but I think far too much negativity is placed on it. When you are young and the "relationships" are fickle, absolutely go for it if you get the chance, man or woman. You only live once. If you're a bit older however and have agreed a monogamous relationship with someone, that's a different story.


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    #67
    Robsweezie
    Registered Users Posts: 3,434 ✭✭✭Robsweezie


    It wasn't me...


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    #68
    NotMyUsualName
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19 ✭NotMyUsualName


    Elessar wrote: »
    If you're a bit older however and have agreed a monogamous relationship with someone, that's a different story.

    I would have thought the same but I was 15 years married before it happened and until it did it was something I never even considered might


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    #69
    PandaPoo
    Registered Users Posts: 4,977 ✭✭✭PandaPoo


    NotMyUsualName wrote: »
    I would have thought the same but I was 15 years married before it happened and until it did it was something I never even considered might

    You must have considered it if you met her on dating or sex Site?


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    #70
    NotMyUsualName
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19 ✭NotMyUsualName


    PandaPoo wrote: »
    You must have considered it if you met her on dating or sex Site?

    It wasn't a dating or sex site, it was a chatroom related to a totally different topic.

    I also notice you've made a gender assumption


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    #71
    beks101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    I think people are complicated.

    I also think the "once a cheater always a cheater!!!" line of thought is just as emotionally immature as perhaps the act of cheating on a partner is in the first place.

    I don't think cheating is about "OMG SHE/HE'S SO HOT I CAN'T RESIST" or any of that. Maybe sometimes it is. But I'd say far more often it's more deep-seated and to do with that person's own insecurities and need for validation; perhaps some personal need for intimacy/bond/affection/physical and sexual contact that's not being fulfilled in a long-term relationship or marriage that they are locked into financially, emotionally, for family reasons.

    "I can't leave, it will destroy him/her" is one I've heard bandied about too. "It's just sex, it means nothing."


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    #72
    PandaPoo
    Registered Users Posts: 4,977 ✭✭✭PandaPoo


    NotMyUsualName wrote: »
    It wasn't a dating or sex site, it was a chatroom related to a totally different topic.

    I also notice you've made a gender assumption

    Vast majority of after hours posters are male.


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    #73
    NotMyUsualName
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19 ✭NotMyUsualName


    PandaPoo wrote: »
    Vast majority of after hours posters are male.

    Perhaps - but equally, just as the majority of relationships and affairs are probably heterosexual that doesn't mean they all are.........


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    #74
    Aidric
    Registered Users Posts: 13,589 ✭✭✭✭Aidric


    beks101 wrote: »
    I think people are complicated.

    I also think the "once a cheater always a cheater!!!" line of thought is just as emotionally immature as perhaps the act of cheating on a partner is in the first place.

    I don't think cheating is about "OMG SHE/HE'S SO HOT I CAN'T RESIST" or any of that. Maybe sometimes it is. But I'd say far more often it's more deep-seated and to do with that person's own insecurities and need for validation; perhaps some personal need for intimacy/bond/affection/physical and sexual contact that's not being fulfilled in a long-term relationship or marriage that they are locked into financially, emotionally, for family reasons.

    "I can't leave, it will destroy him/her" is one I've heard bandied about too. "It's just sex, it means nothing."

    Ah tbf sex is a disposable transaction. With all the best will in the world if a smoking bird approaches you when out you're not going to turn her down for the sake of the kids back home.


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    #75
    Cold War Kid
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,353 ✭✭✭Cold War Kid


    222233 wrote: »
    I have always wondered if people consider online romances cheating, phone sex etc?
    Most definitely IMO. The way I see it is, if it's something you know your partner would be unhappy about and which you would be unhappy about yourself if the tables were turned, then it's infidelity. Now I know people can get jealous about stupid stuff like being good friends with a member of the opposite sex or chatting affectionately with a member of the opposite sex at an event or whatever, and that of course is not infidelity, but when it's intimacy... the line is crossed.
    raze_them_all_ wrote: »
    this is ****e. And this attitude contributes to cheating. The amount of ex's that accused me of cheating when i wasn't is amusing so I went and cheated anyway, if you're going to get penalized for a foul you might aswell go commit the foul
    I think it's really sh-t that you were accused of cheating a lot when you didn't - that's well out of order - but to fulfill it kinda confirms their suspicions in a way. As I said earlier, I would be pretty openminded in relation to cheating, because people and life aren't black and white, and if a relationship is in a bad place and the person meets someone they're mad about and they become overwhelmed, it's not right to cheat but it sorta makes sense. However, why make a decision to do it just because of being told you're a cheat?
    Elessar wrote: »
    Couldn't disagree with this more. Humans are not, and were never designed for monogamy. Much like the animal kingdom, we are designed to spread our seed far and wide. Monogamy is mostly a social/religious construct.

    I've never cheated per se, but I think far too much negativity is placed on it. When you are young and the "relationships" are fickle, absolutely go for it if you get the chance, man or woman. You only live once. If you're a bit older however and have agreed a monogamous relationship with someone, that's a different story.
    Again, I don't agree with just cheating for the sake of it. That's pretty low IMO.


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    #76
    Smidge
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,541 ✭✭✭Smidge


    Colser wrote: »
    Why did ye marry so? Surely this was obvious beforehand :confused:

    That's not always the case though.
    Sometimes into a long relationship, things and people change.
    I wonder how many people who are with someone 15/20 years can say that the person they are with is the same as they were when they first met them?
    I know I'm a different person to some degree than I was back then.
    Marriages and LTR and people are ever changing imo.
    Sometimes the changes work out well, other times they dont and this is when things can happen.
    I'd say in a lot of cases, the person still loves their partner but needs more. Or even just needs to have their needs met, I guess.


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    #77
    Cold War Kid
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,353 ✭✭✭Cold War Kid


    Smidge wrote: »
    That's not always the case though.
    Sometimes into a long relationship, things and people change.
    I wonder how many people who are with someone 15/20 years can say that the person they are with is the same as they were when they first met them?
    I know I'm a different person to some degree than I was back then.
    Marriages and LTR and people are ever changing imo.
    Sometimes the changes work out well, other times they dont and this is when things can happen.
    I'd say in a lot of cases, the person still loves their partner but needs more. Or even just needs to have their needs met, I guess.
    I agree with a lot of that. I do think though that the ideal would be to break up if the cheating becomes long-term, or to end the affair. The idea of staying in the relationship but the cheating to be an indefinite thing is kinda grim, IMO - for all parties (unless someone is happy with it, but I find something very unpalatable about people who are happy for this to be the way things are indefinitely).

    Things aren't always so ideal though, for sure.


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    #78
    Junkyard Tom
    Registered Users Posts: 10,117 ✭✭✭✭Junkyard Tom


    Was cheated on. She kept coming back later and later each evening and became more aloof than ever. Got up one morning and she was gone - discovered she was living in the neighbour's house getting premium brand foods and all manner of toys. I'll never forget Miss Tiddles.


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    #79
    Colser
    Registered Users Posts: 5,572 ✭✭✭Colser


    Smidge wrote: »
    That's not always the case though.
    Sometimes into a long relationship, things and people change.
    I wonder how many people who are with someone 15/20 years can say that the person they are with is the same as they were when they first met them?
    I know I'm a different person to some degree than I was back then.
    Marriages and LTR and people are ever changing imo.
    Sometimes the changes work out well, other times they dont and this is when things can happen.
    I'd say in a lot of cases, the person still loves their partner but needs more. Or even just needs to have their needs met, I guess.
    Agreed but why not split up with your spouse/partner first ?


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    #80
    mfceiling
    Registered Users Posts: 12,774 ✭✭✭✭mfceiling


    Aidric wrote: »
    Ah tbf sex is a disposable transaction. With all the best will in the world if a smoking bird approaches you when out you're not going to turn her down for the sake of the kids back home.

    I have done a few times. I'm not the best looking lad in the world but I could talk for Ireland and can make most women laugh. Apparently this has made me attractive and I've been propositioned a few times by women. I've been flattered but it's not for me...herself and more importantlythe kids mean too much to me to throw it away for a casual ride.


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    #81
    Cold War Kid
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,353 ✭✭✭Cold War Kid


    Junkyard Cat wrote: »
    Was cheated on. She kept coming back later and later each evening and became more aloof than ever. Got up one morning and she was gone - discovered she was living in the neighbour's house getting premium brand foods and all manner of toys. I'll never forget Miss Tiddles.
    Not much sympathy tbh. Cats are cheating feckers - anyone who gets into a serious relationship with a cat and expects a level playing-field is one naive sausage.

    :pac:


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    #82
    KomradeBishop
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,981 ✭✭✭KomradeBishop


    beks101 wrote: »
    ...
    "I can't leave, it will destroy him/her" is one I've heard bandied about too.
    Ya this one I've encountered with someone recently - she is in a relationship with a person who she no longer wants to be in a relationship with - however, they enjoy being close and she wants to stay that close with the person, and trots the above line out when it comes to breaking up.

    It's a touch complicated too - as the person being lied to has trust issues, and gets really paranoid whenever his partner runs into ex's and the like.

    So, she is doing everything that screams 'cheating' short of the actual cheating (although who knows, could be lying about that too) - multiple phones, lying to partner about who they're out with so he won't get paranoid, multiple email accounts with different names etc..

    Had to just break contact with her, as I just wasn't comfortable with it - obviously is a huge breach of trust, and stupid/wrong in multiple ways; even though there's nothing definite to say she's cheating, has got me thinking she may just be a really shít person.


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    #83
    Smidge
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,541 ✭✭✭Smidge


    Colser wrote: »
    Agreed but why not split up with your spouse/partner first ?

    I suppose there are lots of reasons.
    Kids, mortgages, money and perhaps the most important one....that you still love them?

    Idk, I'm not saying I condone cheating by any manner of means but simply just playing devils advocate I guess :)


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    #84
    Smidge
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,541 ✭✭✭Smidge


    Cold War Kid wrote: »
    I agree with a lot of that. I do think though that the ideal would be to break up if the cheating becomes long-term, or to end the affair. The idea of staying in the relationship but the cheating to be an indefinite thing is kinda grim, IMO - for all parties (unless someone is happy with it, but I find something very unpalatable about people who are happy for this to be the way things are indefinitely).

    Things aren't always so ideal though, for sure.

    I agree. If it was the case that it wasnt just a once off(like the situation given by another poster here about them both being married and having an affair but none after), then you would really have to take a cold hard look at your relationship.


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    #85
    Aidric
    Registered Users Posts: 13,589 ✭✭✭✭Aidric


    mfceiling wrote: »
    I have done a few times. I'm not the best looking lad in the world but I could talk for Ireland and can make most women laugh. Apparently this has made me attractive and I've been propositioned a few times by women. I've been flattered but it's not for me...herself and more importantlythe kids mean too much to me to throw it away for a casual ride.

    Kids are the deciding factor for sure. If you're in a marriage with no kids then the collateral damage is minimal and totally worth the risk imo.


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    #86
    KomradeBishop
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,981 ✭✭✭KomradeBishop


    All of it goes back to something pretty simple: Breach of trust.

    If you're doing something you know your partner wouldn't be happy with, would regard as a breach of trust and may break up with you over, that's a form of cheating (which, what I described in my previous post would count as, despite me not calling it 'cheating') - it just may not have gone all the way to sex yet.


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    #87
    fergus1001
    Registered Users Posts: 2,625 ✭✭✭fergus1001


    Laoislion8383 wrote:
    obviating


    Must. Resist. Urge. To. Correct.

    OVULATING !!!!!

    Obviating must be a laois thing defined as the fear of winning a football match


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    #88
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Whisky Mac wrote: »
    So called 'open' relationships always are doomed to failure with damage on both sides.

    Always is a strong word in a world punctuated by counter examples. There are lots of people in Open Relationships who do just fine.
    Whisky Mac wrote: »
    Deciding that someone is 'for life' and sticking with that, enjoying that, is maturity IMO.

    I 100% agree. But what that actually entails might not be what you think. Life long commitment differs from person to person. What it entails differs. Yes the majority include concepts like fidelity and monogamy in that commitment. But many do not. But that makes their commitment no less real or valid. Just different.

    And that is a key in conversations like this one. People have a strong idea what commitment means for them. So strong that they rarely realise that commitment to other people means something else.


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    #89
    Colser
    Registered Users Posts: 5,572 ✭✭✭Colser


    Aidric wrote: »
    Kids are the deciding factor for sure. If you're in a marriage with no kids then the collateral damage is minimal and totally worth the risk imo.
    Are you serious? Why bother getting married or staying married if you want to cheat..why not stay single or split up? Youre not married or cheating on your kids so why bring them into it..what about their mother? Any commitment to her?


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    #90
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,072 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Never cheated, but have been the "other man" quite a few times. And very rarely felt guilty about it TBH.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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    #91
    KomradeBishop
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,981 ✭✭✭KomradeBishop


    ^^ I think that's one of the few things we've clashed on in all the time I've posted on Boards :) Personally, being the 'other guy' is something I view - morally - as being 'almost' (but not quite) as bad as cheating; I'd put the two very close, morally.


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