Adult children living back home with parents....

myinkisblue · 20-10-2010 3:25pm #1

I'd like to hear comments from people aged 25 + whom because of the recession or other factors have had to move back in with their parents. Clearly this isn't an ideal situation, so why do it? What's it like? How have your parents reacted to it? What are the positives and negatives and the effects on your dating and social life. How does your future look now?

Nate--IRL-- · 20-10-2010 3:32pm

Is that you Alison?

Nate

looksee · 20-10-2010 8:38pm

I'm tempted to add another thread called 'Parents whose adult children have moved back home', but I think this one will do the job. Maybe it would be more interesting (and less hijacking) to wait until we have heard about how difficult it is to have to move back home, but I am going to throw it out for consideration now.

This is very little about how parents and children feel about each other in terms of child/parent love presumably, more about the practical issues. In many cases parents are very happy to have children back, and wish they had never left. In other cases however, returning children are a bit of a bind.

One moment you have your house to yourself, tidy and organised and have just adjusted to a shopping for two routine, the next you find yourself having to wait to get into the bathroom again, wonder where the phone is, and ask someone to come and sort all the mugs and odd plates that have somehow found their way into the sink. Suddenly another body is deciding what to watch on the tv, sitting - quite reasonably - on the sofa, when you were just thinking it would be nice to put your feet up.

Its lovely to have the company, but if the company forgets that they have actually left home and come back with the idea that they can carry on where they left off at 18 then the loveliness fades a bit. By now you would think that, having lived alone, they would realise that toilets do not clean themselves, vacuum cleaners actually have to be let out and steered, washing needs to be moved out of the washing machine and those two pairs of shoes left at the bottom of the stairs are not going to take life and walk up on their own!

Its funny how, while your child is at home, you have to stay awake till they come in, listen sympathetically to every move of their thwarted romances, and understand how exhausted and put upon they are at work - or live with their anxiety over job applications and interviews. But when they are away, you do not know on a minute by minute basis what kind of social life they are leading (thank goodness) and you just get the summary of job hunting/working. And amazingly you don't worry about it. Not on a day by day basis anyway.

None of this means you love them any the less, or are less interested in what they are doing and whether they are happy, you just don't have to be totally immersed in it. And you (the parent) probably will not say anything as you are not really aware that it is happening.

I've had adult children come home a couple of times, and in each case I have suggested they come back, and been happy to have them. But its kinda peaceful when they go again

myinkisblue · 21-10-2010 9:33am

Hi Looksee, many thanks for that informative response, I enjoyed reading it and you raise some valid points. I am actually one of those adult kids who has returned home, hence my interest in the topic, so indeed, no need to start a new thread! Hopefully others like me will get involved in the discussion.

Reading your post made me realise that I haven't been giving too much consideration to the "routine" of my parents. I've found myself getting easily irritated by the fact that they're in the house so much, which I feel guilty for doing as really they're being great and making my transition back home very smooth by trying to give me as much space as possible. I just wish they'd get out more!

What has amazed me are the numbers of other adult children, or boomerang kids that have moved back home. I wonder if the numbers have increased since the recession or if it's that I am just noticing it more as I am personally affected by it. I am one of what seems to be a typical type of boomerang kid i.e: I lost my job, but wasn't very happy in it anyway, job dis-satisfaction teamed with poor employment opportunities are making a career change look favorable. Therefore, financially the only way to facilitate this is with a move back home. I have lots of friends (in their early 30's) who are going through the same thing.

It's interesting how you commented on being involved in your childs life again once they are back home and worrying about things that you ordinarily would not even be aware of. I get annoyed with the constant questions from my parents, "Where are you going? What time will you be back? Do you have your keys? Will you remember to turn off the lights before you go to bed?!!" Having lived away for the last 8 years, I find I have to bite my tongue when these stream of questions are raised! I'm 30, I can remember to turn off lights! Parents can't help being parents I suppose and I am grateful to them for everything they're doing.

It is hard for us boomerang kids, it's a great time of uncertainty, a life interrupted almost, our careers are stifled and on top of that we're living back home, missing our old independence and indeed our old salaries and wondering if all that college education was for nothing. We were the "we CAN have it all generation", now we're faced with the harsh reality of having to start from scratch. It's all how you look at it though, it can be seen as an exciting time too, that's what I try to focus on. I also try not to think about all the disposable income and freedom I used to have, that life is gone, it's time for a new chapter and like I said, it makes it all the easier when I realise how many of us adult children are back living at home and facing uncertainty.

I'm wondering what kind of effect living at home is going to have on my dating life, I recently signed up for internet dating (I'm 30 and keen to meet someone). Whilst filling in my personal stats I was asked "Who do you live with" and given a few options to choose from. I chose "Room-mate", which I guess isn't exactly accurate, but really I don't know who would be interested if I wrote in the "other" section...I live with my parents. Ahhhhhh!

bozd · 15-01-2012 2:24pm

new to forum and saw this topic, which looked interesting.

its the age of parents I think when the bomerang kids come back to stay with them that is an important factor. what I would like to know is, how many people are relieved when an adult child goes back to live with our parents when we are not available or want to be part of their daily lives - I am!

At first - 10 years ago (my 10 year younger then me) brother moved back in with my parents when he came home from abroad. at the time he stated it would be a short-time setup and he would be moving out quickly - well after a few years we realised this suited him and my father but my mother did grumble a little - even though he was her youngest and favourite(I know say it - sibling rivalry - wasnt just my perspective).

My fathers ill-health now has him in a permanent carehome now - our family setup is - my older sister is an alcoholic - another planet
young sister - in australia
I had a falling out with my old sis and mother (have not spoken in 3 years) - land of cold shoulder
brother - planet mammy

now it has fallen by default that my brother supports emotionally my mother - for this I am most grateful. Us older kids never really related to him - he was the last by a long margin - 10 years after the youngest of us when he was adopted (as we all were) but it was as if he was raised apart from us.

So guilt free I feel in saying he is there - it suits me and everyone else - that this is the status quo.

recedite · 11-02-2012 9:20pm

I think there is too much segregation of the generations in modern society.
Often an elderly couple live alone in a house and things are too quiet. Their adult sons get fed up with having to do all the oddjobs around the house when they go to visit, so they don't visit much. During the boom years some of these older people took on full time day care of the grandchildren, but that is really too much to ask of them.

Compare to 100 years ago, when people of a certain age gave up control of their house to the next generation. They lost some "power" but they could sit by a warm fire all day, with someone else chopping and carrying in the firewood. They could interact with the grandchildren, and vice versa. The intermediate generation could go about their daily tasks knowing someone else was helping to keep an eye on the kids.

JuliusCaesar · 11-02-2012 9:25pm

recedite wrote: »

Compare to 100 years ago, when people of a certain age gave up control of their house to the next generation.

I can't quite remember 100 years ago, but I seem to remember that there was very often issues between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. There wasn't much 'giving up control'!

recedite · 11-02-2012 10:20pm

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

issues between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law.

That was the sacrifice, generally outweighed by the rewards.

Gin Fizz · 11-04-2012 10:49pm

I think every parent would like to see their kids fly the nest and not come back except for visits etc. It's such a pity the economy doesn't allow for that right now in all cases

Adult children living back home with parents....

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