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Acting differently around your partner...

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    #92
    chrissb8
    Registered Users Posts: 1,168 ✭✭✭chrissb8


    I think different aspects of who I am come out around different people. If I'm with my bestfriend I'll laugh loads, be controversial etc. but when I need stimulating intellectually stimulating convos I have another friend who I find is great to get into that with.

    With my girlfriend I show my insecurities, burdens and vulnerability around her. Having a good laugh too but understanding that yeah there are different versions of you. Mostly just different aspects coming out more so with different people.

    I know when I'm forcing it and trying to cater towards someone and generally get a feeling of shame and annoyance at myself for betraying the one rule I always swear by. Which is to be true to yourself.


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    #93
    Tell me how
    Registered Users Posts: 21,517 ✭✭✭✭Tell me how


    Pyr0 wrote: »
    That to me sounds kind of sinister or something? Like he's hiding away who he really is because she wouldn't like or tolerate him or would even hate him knowing.

    That's exactly what it was. He had a very dark sense of humour and would really enjoy that, like really laugh hard at examples of it, but he said she could never know.

    They seemed perfectly fine the couple times I saw them together and nothing would have indicated he was unhappy in the marriage but simply that this was something which he couldn't share.


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    #94
    pq0n1ct4ve8zf5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    Porklife wrote: »
    Exactly... and thank you so much :)
    I have self worth and am extremely confident. I'm being accused of acting for my bf because I don't think I'm good enough which is nonsense! I'm myself around him just a little less boisterous and I edit stories if needs be about my past that he probably wouldnt wanna hear the details of. That's it.. no big deal but to be on the safe side maybe I should go to therapy, read self help books and do a daily mantra in front of the mirror while fighting back the tears of low self worth... I AM WORTHY OF LOVE... I AM WORTHY OF LOVE.
    Oh and thats sarcasm Gimme a Pound in case you didn't realise

    That's a big walk back from "I alter my behaviour massively" around him and "I think he'd end it" if he saw you being "completely myself uncensored" to be fair.


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    #95
    Bigbagofcans
    Registered Users Posts: 1,164 ✭✭✭Bigbagofcans


    The Japanese say you have three faces.

    The first face, you show to the world.
    The second face, you show to your close friends, and your family.
    The third face, you never show anyone.


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    #96
    Tell me how
    Registered Users Posts: 21,517 ✭✭✭✭Tell me how


    Bigbagofcans wrote: »
    The Japanese say you have three faces.

    The first face, you show to the world.
    The second face, you show to your close friends, and your family.
    The third face, you never show anyone.

    And possibly a 4th which we don't even know ourselves what it looks like. Our unrealised self.

    (Maybe too deep for after hours mind ;) )


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    #97
    Gimme A Pound
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,482 ✭✭✭Gimme A Pound


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Not necessarily because we are all different.
    Nah we all modify our behaviour to some extent of course but the person you're closest to should obviously have a good idea of who you really are.
    Kenia Chubby Thunderstorm wrote: »
    That's a big walk back from "I alter my behaviour massively" around him and "I think he'd end it" if he saw you being "completely myself uncensored" to be fair.

    Shur she's constantly changing the goalposts.


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    #98
    Zorya
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,194 ✭✭✭Zorya


    Himself knows me the most.
    The children a fair bit, from living together and observation mostly I guess, though we do have very serious conversations sometimes. Still they have some fabricated versions of me to fit their mould of what is a mother.
    My brothers and sisters know a good deal about me, but again their skewed version of me sometimes surprises me. My mother knows me hardly at all, it seems!
    As for pals I have different aspects of me that are present with different people, some people cannot handle the truth :D. I have one perhaps two close friends who know me quite well, but even so, there are still no go zones.
    If himself died almost all the knowledge on this earth of who I really am would instantly evaporate. The same for him I suppose, if I died.
    It takes a long time to know someone. To any depth. And even then...

    I don't do laddish, loud behaviour or being 'mad' with people in pubs or anywhere. My madness is very stealthy, very quiet.


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    #99
    Deebles McBeebles
    Registered Users Posts: 5,748 ✭✭✭Deebles McBeebles


    Porklife wrote: »
    Exactly... and thank you so much :)
    I have self worth and am extremely confident. I'm being accused of acting for my bf because I don't think I'm good enough which is nonsense! I'm myself around him just a little less boisterous and I edit stories if needs be about my past that he probably wouldnt wanna hear the details of.

    We all do it, whether we know it or not. If my OH knew me in my early 20's she would not still around. And she would be right.
    Bigbagofcans wrote: »
    The Japanese say you have three faces.

    The first face, you show to the world.
    The second face, you show to your close friends, and your family.
    The third face, you never show anyone.

    I'm now slightly scared of the third face. What if its like James McAvoy's "The Beast" in Split?


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    #100
    Gimme A Pound
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,482 ✭✭✭Gimme A Pound


    Deebles McBeebles wrote: »
    We all do it, whether we know it or not.
    Of course we do. But it's a question of how much. And no we don't all put on an act as described in the opening post but for which there is backtracking now (again).

    "I alter my behaviour massively around him" - it's there in black and white.


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    #101
    beans
    Registered Users Posts: 1,885 ✭✭✭beans


    Bigbagofcans wrote: »
    The third face, you never show anyone.

    Good name and tagline for a horror flick.


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    #102
    begbysback
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,910 ✭✭✭begbysback


    Porklife wrote: »
    Was having a few pints with my flatmate last night who's also my best mate. We were having a laugh, chatting away freely about everything. Around him, especially if we're drinking, I'm completely myself uncensored. I'd tell him my worst stories for comic effect, use language like c*unt, act boisterous and generally have no filter. He knows me instead out.
    It got me thinking though, I'd never act that way in front of my boyfriend. I alter my behaviour massively around him. I act way more demure and for want of a better word, ladylike. I still curse and act the maggot but I dilute my wilder stories and tell them in a more coy way.
    I've noticed this with my friends too. The lads act one way around me but the minute their girlfriends arrive, they tone it down and reign in the lad talk (again for want of a better term!).
    Are you guys the same way and if so, does it mean your partner doesn't truly know you? Should we all be completely unfiltered and 100% ourselves around our partners /potential partners or is a bit of acting par for the course?
    I also act differently around guys I fancy. I become all sweet and demure but in reality I'm a bit of a brass tomboy. Maybe I'm just a schizophrenic :)

    Schizophrenic?

    What you are experiencing couldn’t be more normal, the word person, persona actually means “assumed character” or “mask” - to be a person is to assume a character.


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    #103
    Porklife
    Registered Users Posts: 1,681 ✭✭✭Porklife


    Kenia Chubby Thunderstorm wrote: »
    That's a big walk back from "I alter my behaviour massively" around him and "I think he'd end it" if he saw you being "completely myself uncensored" to be fair.

    Fair point but what I meant was, he'd probably hate to hear about my past sexual escapades for example but I'd talk openly to my friend about them. He'd also probably not like to hear about how wasted I got on a certain night or that I missed work because of a hangover. That's all I meant. I think he'd end it if I started saying last year before we met I had sex with a guy on a pooltable and it was awesome*. Hence why I would never tell him things like that.

    *didn't actually happen, is just an example ;)


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    #104
    Deebles McBeebles
    Registered Users Posts: 5,748 ✭✭✭Deebles McBeebles


    Brycen Black Refrigeration wrote: »
    Of course we do. But it's a question of how much. And no we don't all put on an act as described in the opening post but for which there is backtracking now (again).

    "I alter my behaviour massively around him" - it's there in black and white.

    Maybe the OP is fine and enjoys her relationship in a different way to yours. Maybe she doesn't and is living a lie. Either way you seem a bit too invested for someone who will never know her.


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    #105
    Porklife
    Registered Users Posts: 1,681 ✭✭✭Porklife


    Brycen Black Refrigeration wrote: »
    Of course we do. But it's a question of how much. And no we don't all put on an act as described in the opening post but for which there is backtracking now (again).

    "I alter my behaviour massively around him" - it's there in black and white.

    I am not backtracking... Jesus christ would you get off my case!! I do alter my behaviour massively around him. I don't tell him certain things I think he wouldn't want to hear and I'm not nearly as loud, those are big changes but it doesn't mean I'm not myself. I just tone it down a lot. What is so hard for you to understand?

    Christ, you have some vendetta against me. Can't we all just get along? It's Friday afterall :)


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    #106
    Gimme A Pound
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,482 ✭✭✭Gimme A Pound


    Feeling obliged to put on an act for a partner. Very unhealthy - and a bit concerning. Especially "I have to be a demure good little girl!" Ew....


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    #107
    Ariadne
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,149 ✭✭✭Ariadne


    Brycen Black Refrigeration wrote: »
    Feeling obliged to put on an act for a partner. Very unhealthy - and a bit concerning. Especially "I have to be a demure good little girl!" Ew....

    If you do think that the OP has low self esteem then you aren't really helping by saying things like "ew".


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    #108
    Porklife
    Registered Users Posts: 1,681 ✭✭✭Porklife


    joe40 wrote: »
    I totally agree with the OP we all have different versions of ourselves depending on the situation we are in. Nobody ever reveals their true selves. Maybe the truth is that your "true self" for want of a better word can also vary day to day and definitely over time.

    On a slightly different note and apologies if this comes across as trying to pry but it seems the op has a really open, friendly relationship with her male friend. Is that possible without sexual attraction eventually getting in the way, for either gender.

    Are you sure your friend doesn't have feelings for you that go beyond friendship but doesn't want to risk the friendship by making this known. Obviously the friendship important to you both.

    I know it is an age old question, but I would be interested in the OP's perspective.

    By the way it is great to see people maintain close friendships even when in relationship. Jealousy and trust from the partner can get in the way. You're in a fortunate position

    To answer your question Joe40, years ago he told me he had a crush on me but he's since grown out of it. We've known each other a very long time and have been through the wars together. We've both lost family members and mutual friends. We've been through the wars and that changes the dynamic of your relationship. We are more like brother and sister now.

    I think men and women can have platonic relationships but it's rare.


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    #109
    joe40
    Registered Users Posts: 3,811 ✭✭✭joe40


    Porklife wrote: »
    Fair point but what I meant was, he'd probably hate to hear about my past sexual escapades for example but I'd talk openly to my friend about them. He'd also probably not like to hear about how wasted I got on a certain night or that I missed work because of a hangover. That's all I meant. I think he'd end it if I started saying last year before we met I had sex with a guy on a pooltable and it was awesome*. Hence why I would never tell him things like that.

    *didn't actually happen, is just an example ;)

    If your current boyfriend is getting serious and you are planning long term relationship with possibly kids marriage etc (if that is what you want) I think you should be able to tell them those things. Including things like the imaginary pool table.

    It is impossible to ever be totally yourself, we all hold something back, but stories from your past should not be in that category.
    If a potential partner couldn't take me for everything I have done then they wouldn't get me.


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    #110
    pq0n1ct4ve8zf5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    Porklife wrote: »
    Fair point but what I meant was, he'd probably hate to hear about my past sexual escapades for example but I'd talk openly to my friend about them. He'd also probably not like to hear about how wasted I got on a certain night or that I missed work because of a hangover. That's all I meant. I think he'd end it if I started saying last year before we met I had sex with a guy on a pooltable and it was awesome*. Hence why I would never tell him things like that.

    *didn't actually happen, is just an example ;)

    The sexual escapades, absolutely, I don't think many people would disagree with that. Stories about being locked or hungover though? The "must be demure for my man" thing does seem a bit immature to me, I can remember that self-effacing drive to please and not fondly.

    Honestly I'd say the strength of reaction you're getting is because most of us are older and can relate your views to our younger selves.

    The fading of that need for approval is great. Luckily the drive to condescend to young people about their self esteem swoops in to fill the gap :pac:


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    #111
    Porklife
    Registered Users Posts: 1,681 ✭✭✭Porklife


    joe40 wrote: »
    If your current boyfriend is getting serious and you are planning long term relationship with possibly kids marriage etc (if that is what you want) I think you should be able to tell them those things. Including things like the imaginary pool table.

    It is impossible to ever be totally yourself, we all hold something back, but stories from your past should not be in that category.
    If a potential partner couldn't take me for everything I have done then they wouldn't get me.

    But when it comes to sex and past relationships, I would hate for him to disclose details of that to me. I don't need to know that he had sex with Rosy down an alleyway when he was 21 much like he doesn't need to know about the.. *cough*.. imaginary pooltable incident. Those things are best kept to oneselves but everything else within reason, I agree. I think I don't tell him when I get really drunk out of shame but in reality, he probably wouldn't care.


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    #112
    Porklife
    Registered Users Posts: 1,681 ✭✭✭Porklife


    :)
    Kenia Chubby Thunderstorm wrote: »
    The sexual escapades, absolutely, I don't think many people would disagree with that. Stories about being locked or hungover though? The "must be demure for my man" thing does seem a bit immature to me, I can remember that self-effacing drive to please and not fondly.

    Honestly I'd say the strength of reaction you're getting is because most of us are older and can relate your views to our younger selves.

    The fading of that need for approval is great. Luckily the drive to condescend to young people about their self esteem swoops in to fill the gap
    :)


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    #113
    joe40
    Registered Users Posts: 3,811 ✭✭✭joe40


    Porklife wrote: »
    But when it comes to sex and past relationships, I would hate for him to disclose details of that to me. I don't need to know that he had sex with Rosy down an alleyway when he was 21 much like he doesn't need to know about the.. *cough*.. imaginary pooltable incident. Those things are best kept to oneselves but everything else within reason, I agree. I think I don't tell him when I get really drunk out of shame but in reality, he probably wouldn't care.

    Fair enough I take your point, I probably haven't told my wife all my past exploits (not that there is that much thrilling detail)


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    #114
    Bigbagofcans
    Registered Users Posts: 1,164 ✭✭✭Bigbagofcans


    Porklife wrote: »
    But when it comes to sex and past relationships, I would hate for him to disclose details of that to me. I don't need to know that he had sex with Rosy down an alleyway when he was 21 much like he doesn't need to know about the.. *cough*.. imaginary pooltable incident. Those things are best kept to oneselves but everything else within reason, I agree. I think I don't tell him when I get really drunk out of shame but in reality, he probably wouldn't care.

    But that's not the same as acting differently around your partner. I'd bet nearly everyone has stories from their past that they won't ever tell their partner. But if someone feels the need to act massively different around their partner then it's not a true relationship.


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    #115
    Gimme A Pound
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,482 ✭✭✭Gimme A Pound


    Kenia Chubby Thunderstorm wrote: »
    The sexual escapades, absolutely, I don't think many people would disagree with that. Stories about being locked or hungover though? The "must be demure for my man" thing does seem a bit immature to me, I can remember that self-effacing drive to please and not fondly.

    Honestly I'd say the strength of reaction you're getting is because most of us are older and can relate your views to our younger selves.

    The fading of that need for approval is great. Luckily the drive to condescend to young people about their self esteem swoops in to fill the gap :pac:
    She's in her 30s! And it's silly to break up with someone over them having sex on a pool table before they met, especially when they've had their own sexual escapades.

    Yeah I'd understand not regaling them with absolutely everything sexual - not much point anyway - but keeping everything schtumm doesn't reflect well on their partner.


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    #116
    Porklife
    Registered Users Posts: 1,681 ✭✭✭Porklife


    Bigbagofcans wrote: »
    But that's not the same as acting differently around your partner. I'd bet nearly everyone has stories from their past that they won't ever tell their partner. But if someone feels the need to act massively different around their partner then it's not a true relationship.

    Yeah, I agree. I think I phrased it incorrectly and have given people the wrong idea. I am myself around him but I definitely reign it in. I just noticed last night how casually I was throwing the word c*nt around and how brass I was being and I realised I'd never act that way if he was there. It's not a huge personality change I'm talking about, just my behaviour last night was a bit laddish and I don't tend to act laddish around him.


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    #117
    pq0n1ct4ve8zf5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    Brycen Black Refrigeration wrote: »
    She's in her 30s!

    Well that changes things.

    But you honestly do seem a bit overinvested and overinformed.


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    #118
    Zorya
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,194 ✭✭✭Zorya


    Kenia Chubby Thunderstorm wrote: »
    Well that changes things.

    But you honestly do seem a bit overinvested and overinformed.

    I think some of the over-informing was foisted on us to be honest. Though I must admit I had even forgotten the OPs username from that heady thread. I'd be useless as a spy.


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    #119
    Gimme A Pound
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,482 ✭✭✭Gimme A Pound


    Zorya wrote: »
    I think some of the over-informing was foisted on us to be honest.
    Ain't that the truth.


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    #120
    Porklife
    Registered Users Posts: 1,681 ✭✭✭Porklife


    Zorya wrote: »
    I think some of the over-informing was foisted on us to be honest. Though I must admit I had even forgotten the OPs username from that heady thread. I'd be useless as a spy.

    Heady thread :pac:


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    #121
    littlevillage
    Registered Users Posts: 2,835 ✭✭✭littlevillage


    Deebles McBeebles wrote: »
    Star wipe to 6 months down the line, OP ends up with flatmate. Ex-BF now understands why she was never really herself with him.

    My thoughts as well.... this sounds like the plot of a Rom-Com. :rolleyes:

    Is your house-mate gay by any chance ? Then you would have the essential plot of Will & Grace. :P


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